My wife passed a week ago from ALS. We buried her Monday in a cemetery in Ogden, Utah. It was a brutal way to die. Especially the last 5 days of her life.

I left the next day and could not wait to leave Utah. I had all sorts of questions and found little comfort in LDS teachings. She passed away a week ago Thursday so on Fast Sunday I got up to thank the ward for their support towards my wife and her son and daughter-in-law and their family. The ward was great. Hospice was great. The Bishop started the meeting testifying how he knew this was true and that was true, etc. In a moment of grief and honesty I said at the beginning of my remarks, I used to be able to say that. Now I can't anymore. I told the people that I struggle to understand the Plan of Salvation as my wife went thru this process. I thanked them. Told I knew that we had a creator and there is a purpose bigger purpose to life than we know. I do not know what it is.

NOT THE THINGS TO SAY. Not sure why I said what I did. At the service on Monday, people came to the viewing and said they were praying for me. Beware of Satan. Oh don't fall away from the Church.

In my remarks I did say that unlike their Bishop, my Bishop never visited my wife or I for the two years. Unlike your Relief Society president, our Relief Society President told me last Oct., in two weeks they could not supply anymore help for my wife in the home. That was when I had to bring her to her sons place in Utah. I told them our ward dropped from 200 to 80 people in the past 6 months, and when I go back it will be 79 as I will attend another ward.

I did have several people say that their husbands were touched by what I said. One sister said they went home and talked about my words. She said that her husband said, "There is a man with integrity." Another said her husband was so touched by what I said.

I found at the viewing LDS people really do not know how to respond to a person who is grieving.

Many of the people wanted me to move into their ward.

I found at the graveside after it was over people did not know what to do. Okay I did hired a person to play the bag pipes when the removed the casket from the Hearst to the grave. Then at the end the person played the bag pipes walking towards the grave and then away and disappearing while playing "How Great Thou Art." Maybe it was poem I read and then doing a yoga Namaste saluted to the casket and saying "Namaste." (We are one) Maybe they thought I was a Buddhist Monk instead of a HP We did have a prayer to dedicate the site. Whatever.

I finally went around and shook everyone hands and thanked them for being her at graveside. It was like they did not know what to say when I did that. I tried small talk. Nothing. I guess it was what I said Sunday and it did not fit the mold.

I am so sorry, SEcular Priest...

I am immensely sorry for your loss, and sorry that your wife went through so much pain and discomfort during her transition. I wish that her passing had been much smoother and easier than it was.

I think that your choices after your wife's death may be reverberating in the lives of those who were there to experience them for a very long time...and very possibly in their offspring's lives as well.

Sometimes people feel (and are!!!) inadequate to the challenges of life...and sometimes they just have never learned that there are choices outside of the few they have accepted for themselves.

Now they know...and they know because of you.

I wish you comfort as soon as is possible, and I wish your wife well (and I do believe that she continues to exist on some level that we do not yet understand).

I am sorry for you loss!!!

Sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss, SEcular Priest.

What I found when both of my parents died (separately) is that most people really have no clue what to say. It's not just Mormons. People can be awkward and uncomfortable around death. They are sympathetic, but at a complete loss. The only people who will truly understand are those who have also lost spouses, parents, or children.

You might consider cutting your own RS a break. It sounds like they helped your wife out for a certain amount of time, but could do no more. In fairness, the women of your home ward are not home health aides or nurses. They can't substitute for medical professionals. There was only so much they could do.

So sorry to hear of your loss.

SEcular Priest, I'm so sorry.
You will be in my thoughts.

Pain extends in many directions and defense mechanisms are numerous and as individual as we all are. Someone else's death reminds us of our own eventual departure. I trust in a moment of late night clarity you will find both the peace of knowing your wife is clearly no longer suffering and that people both LDS and non-LDS made statements of support just by just being there although words may never convey....Blessings to you in your grief, your support of your bride and words you spoke...I for one have taken them to heart....

Gatorman



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2016 05:44PM by gatorman.

Peace and comfort to you in this difficult and very sad time.

Secular Priest. You and your family are in my thoughts. Peace to you and yours.

I am so sorry you lost your wife. Yes, it sounds like she was a very lucky woman.

Ditto to Kathleen's comment.

Condolences to you. She is lucky to have had you in her life.

I know the good memories (not related to the church) will overtake the grief in the years to come.

Reading this makes me more certain that I do not want a funeral. I realize my passing will be of little consequence and I would like to just keep fading away. I do not want people to be uncomfortable when I go. Religion causes people to be irrational when it comes to the dying experience. They don't understand that all that really can be done, doesn't really require words. Most sermons at funerals make me want to up chuck.

One of the nicest funerals I attended was not Mormon. His sister led the service and after sharing a few heart warming memories, people who came, stood one at a time and shared some of their fondest and most favorite memories about the deceased. The funeral lasted just a shade over 1/2 hour. They sang 'Home on the Range' at the end. No suits, ties, or fancy apparel. It was about celebrating the interactions they had enjoyed with the deceased. Nothing morbid or maudlin.

Everyone grieves in their own way. While I do my grieving in private others are very demonstrative in their grieving. Not saying one way is better than another. I don't have to be at a funeral to say my goodbyes. When my best friend passed away, I sat in my car, outside the church and did my grieving.

I am sorry for your loss. Regardless of one's faith, it is hard to lose someone you love. Some people do not know what say to the one grieving because they too are suffering the loss of a friend or someone they also loved. .

I am 65 and just lost a friend to death. His wife is a very close friend to my wife. Unfortunately, he made no preparation for his death and his wife ended up paying out over $10,000 for his funeral.

I decided that I was not going to have that happen to my wife. I went to local funeral home and prepaid for my exit. For about $1200, I go in the cheapest box I could get and then it is off to the National Cemetery for burial. I asked him if I could be put in a cardboard box to save money, but he said they were required to put me in a plywood box. I have so hated attending funerals that I am not even going to attend my own in the box. There will be no memorial service. I want people remember me in their best memories of me. I don't want them to have to go to some building while someone drones on about what wonderful human being I was.

SEcular Pries, I am so sad to hear this news. i hope that you and your family are well during such turmoil.

I justwanted to say a word about these prepaid funeral plans, and hope i am not out of line for including this thought. Please read all the fine print in your pre paid funeral thing. my BIL prepaid all his expenses, but after his funeral we were all saddled with close to $10,000 of additional expenses that mysteriously appeared from nowhere.

with your closest teaching hospital and see if you could donate your body. They are usually in need of bodies to teach with, and they will transport you and take care of everything for free.
I think cremation is the final result, but that would be at no cost to the family.
A great option for those who don't mind cremation.

I like your perspective dejavue .

I had two relatives recently who passed away.

One had a very big Mormon funeral.

The second was non-Mormon and had a funeral more like you describe as best.

I felt like the first was somehow empty.

The second felt right in a way, and special because he was special. The second didn't have to be big and important. He just had to be himself, and that was more than good enough.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2016 10:06PM by raiku.

I am so sorry for your loss mate. My heart goes out to you and your wife, I am so sorry she had to suffer so.

Take care of you, as you have been doing SO admirably! Your incredible honesty will be part of many people's thinking from now on, and for you the honestly will help to make things easier in the long run.

I send a BIG hug! and my love.

I am so sorry for your loss, SEcular Priest. May you find some peace in the days ahead.

Sincere condolences....I cannot begin to imagine your loss.

RB

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the ordeal of your wife's illness. A dear friend of mine recently died of ALS.

It seems to me that you found EXACTLY the right things to say, at the right times. You are awesome.

You will find your way back to "one-ness," in your own way. I left the cult right about the time my mother died, and I felt--and still feel--that she and my deceased father never really left me. I actually felt better, knowing that the unfair, elitist Mormon CK doesn't exist! What an awful place that would be. How horrible it was to believe (for a while) that my loved ones and I would NOT be reunited in the hereafter, and only the temple Mormons would. I feel that my mother and father never left me, so we won't need "reuniting" or shuffling and sorting through all the Mormon microfilmed temple gobble-dee-good record-keeping.

The Mormons don't own God or Christ. You can go on believing the important things that your wife believed, and be together in that. Love is true!

God bless you and your family.

Namaste--

I'm so sorry to hear of this heartbreaking loss, SEcular Priest. I wish you and your family a good recovery. As for Mormons not knowing how to respond, I think it's a simple extension of Mormons always being so willfully insular, and not really knowing how to do anything that involves interaction with others or reacting with normal emotions in any of life's major events. They practically have to be told by leaders how to react, and what is allowed and what is considered by the stake president or The Brethren as "inappropriate." And then there's the issue with death in general, people in general not knowing quite what do say.

I hope you keep in touch.

I am so sorry. I agree with what others have said, she was lucky to have you in her life. Keeping you in our thoughts.

Secular Priest,

I am sorry to hear of your wife's difficult passing. I am sorry that you are dealing with loss.

When a few weeks have elapsed, contact a funeral home or the local hospice group and find out where you can go to join a grief support group. People there have lost spouses like you. They can related. Every situation is different, but you will find understanding and comfort there.

However, you will also find some of those in grief will have returned to the Christianity of their youth and are gripping tight. Treat it like a cafeteria - take what you want and can use, try to overlook the religious stuff that isn't your style.

May peace and acceptance find you in due time,

I'm so sorry. Anything I could say would be meaningless, but if I could, I would give you comfort.

SEcular Priest,
My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved wife. Your words have touched my heart, my friend. I hope we meet someday.
Most sincerely, -edzachery

My condolences. My best friend has ALS, and I know the suffering that you are referring too. I think you handled the entire situation w/ class, dignity, and diplomacy. Well done sir.

Secular Priest, I am so very sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts.

So sorry you lost your wife. Take good care of yourself.

Our spouses aren't just friends, or companions, or intimate physical partners. They are the best parts of us.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can remember what she did to make you a better person, and keep that in mind as you move on.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. She was very lucky to have you in her life. Your comments in testimony meeting were kind, honest and considerate, and I'm happy you were able to receive some support from your son's ward. Please take good care of yourself.

My thoughts and heart go out to you. I've always admired your comments on this forum and you have helped so many here.

Maybe just knowing you are so well thought of and respected will help during this time of transition.

Your words during this time to the ward were perfect. You will be appreciated by those who understood what you said at that time as they reflect on your message.

Take care and know you are in the thoughts of so many you've never even met on this forum, but who have lives you have touch. I am sorry for your loss.

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Please accept my condolences. I have always felt ALS is the cruelest of diseases. :-( At least your poor wife had a loving and supportive husband as she endured her suffering.

I am so saddened by the heartbreaking passing of your wife and the circumstances of her illness. I admire your dignity in the face of it all. Peace to you in the days to come.

Thanks

My condolences on your loss. I know ALS can be very difficult. I've posted her off-and-on about what a toxic stew my family was. Well, my best friend's mom, who was like a mother to me, suffered with ALS for several years too. My friend nursed her right up until the end. She was virtually a prisoner in her own body. Fortunately, she was able to continue to write until the end, so she didn't lose the ability to communicate, but the last months were very difficult. In the end, I think it was truly a blessing for her to be able to move on.

Don't fret about other people's inability to communicate or interact in meaningful ways. You do what's best for you!!

You have my deepest sympathies.

My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. I'm sorry she had to suffer. I hope you find comfort and peace in the good memories of your life together.

May your memories of your wife sustain you through this time of mourning and recovery.

May these memories be cherised, treasured and held close to your heart for the rest of your life.

Peace and love to you.

Condolences for your loss. Hang in there.

Condolences for your loss. It is not just Mormon's the average person has no idea what to say at a funeral. You said what you were feeling, that is what you needed to do. Hugs!

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. For those I have lost, only time provided any healing. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Illness & suffering & the end of life is not easy. I too, admire what you were able to communicate with the Utah ward. Well done.
I also recommend finding a grief recovery group. I found one at our local Presbyterian hospital years ago........Reverend Julie was a true believer but she was able to walk us thru our losses with a gentle loving touch.
I bonded with others in that group and continue to be involved in their lives.........

Grieving is not a 5 step process........it's a continuous part of our lives.....
Wishing you loving memories and joyous moments.

exmo-k@juno.com
North Orange County CA exmormons

SP- :)

Tears are on my cheeks. Thank you sharing this with us. I don't pretend to feel your pain, but I care. Your words tell me you are a good man. My heart is reaching out to you. Wish more than anything to give you a hug. Be well, my friend...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. You sound like you and your family were put through the ringer with her illness.

Glad you had family in Ogden to help take care of her when your resources ran dry. That's an incredible drop in the ward size in only six months, from 200 down to 80. It sounds like the church is hemorrhaging members faster than they are passing away!

I have relatives buried in at least two Ogden cemeteries that I know of. Was there this past May to put flowers on my mom's grave and grandparents, and even a great (great) grandparents. It's grown up a lot since I was there last, but was still able to find my way around where I needed to go.

Best wishes to you on this journey of life and self-discovery.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2016 10:03AM by Amyjo.