I feel kind of isolated sometimes, here in this little microcosm of Mormonism, in a highly LDS town, in the white bread basket of I-da-ho.

One of my lifelines to sanity after happily exiting "the" church has been my habit of listening to an Ex-Mo podcast every night for my storytime while I am falling asleep. John Dehlin's Mormon Stories have been like manna from heaven for me.

My favorite so far is the 4 part interview John Dehlin did with Grant Palmer in 2006. I didn't discover the podcast until 2012. I wish I had listened to it sooner.

Grant Palmer's fabulous book, An Insider's View of Mormon Origins, was the nail in the coffin for me as I found the courage to exit the church in 2005.

I love the song that is used for the introduction to the Grant Palmer interviews. A prelude is played at the start of each interview, and the first words to the song are simply:

"I watched it sinking down."

Then, at the conclusion of each interview the song is played in it's entirety.

The song is by an artist named David Wilcox. Title: "Let it Go." There is a version you can listen to on Youtube. The gist of the song is watching a treasure sinking down, and letting it go.

I found myself weeping uncontrollably each time I listened to the song. At first I couldn't figure out why I was crying, but later I spent some time with my raw feelings, and identified why I wept... But it was a good cry, a cleansing cry.

I have had some things that I have watched sinking down, in my journey out of Mormonism.

What I visualized as I listened to the words to the song was all of the teachings of Mormonism that I thought were such treasures, sinking into the deep blue ocean. The Book of Mormon, a fraud; the Book of Abraham, another fraud; and most hurtful to me, the campaign promises used by the Mormon Missionaries to get me to join the church were based on a fraud as well.

I was only 15 when I took the Missionary Lessons. What does a 15 year old girl want more than anything else? Just to be loved.

The Missionaries held up a picture of a pretty temple, with a green lawn, and a beautiful bride and handsome groom staring deep into each other's eyes.

The missionaries told me that 2 + 2 = 4.

Marry a returned missionary in the temple, and you will have happiness in this life, and eternal joy in the world to come.

I bought the cookies. I drank the Kool-aid. And I liked it.

I was baptized, and, as embarassing as it is to admit, one of my main motivating factors was to have that wonderful Temple Marriage that I was told about. Time and All Eternity with your own True Love.

Lessons in Young Womens, Sunday School, Seminary and later Relief Society all echoed the same mathematical formula.

2 + 2 = 4.

Marry. A returned missionary. In the temple. You will have happiness in this life, and eternal joy in the world to come.

And more pictures. Of joyful couples. Outside of palatial temples. Happy couples. People who love each other.

I was a good girl. I lived the law of chastity until it hurt.

I married. A returned missionary. In the temple.

The abuse began on the honeymoon, and lasted for 25 years.

When, after being beaten down, and beaten down, and beaten down: physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, and spiritually by my now ex-husband, I discovered the church was not true...

Well, "I watched it sinking down."

My dream of that happy temple marriage was never going to come true. It was all an illusion.

If I could, I would love to get my hands on one of the pictures of a happy bride and groom in front of a temple, that was used in the propaganda to get me to join the church, and to keep hoping and hoping that the mathematical formula would finally work...

2 + 2 = 4. Right?

But, I had married a returned missionary in the temple. And I was doing everything right...

Why was he abusing me? And my kids? And neglecting both myself and our children. Why?

Why did he have to dash my dreams of a happy temple marriage?

I tried so hard. I gave so much power to that pathetic little man.

What a relief now.

I KNOW the church is not true. Joseph Lied.

If anyone is reading this who is good with visual images, please create a picture for me of a cute couple in front of an LDS temple, with the wedding photo sinking down into the deep blue sea, like the words of the David Wilcox song.

"I watched it sinking down... I had to let it go."

I am now 11 years free of Mormonism. And 10 years free of the shackles that constituted my marriage.

Once I discovered the church was not true, and I told my now ex-husband about my research, he divorced me.

The divorce was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Of course, those of you who have studied the stages of grief are well aware of the typical order: Denial, Anger, Blaming, Depression, and Acceptance.

So interesting, for me to look back and see that it has taken me roughly 10 years to let go of the grief of the dream of the temple marriage that never came true.

Goodbye dream.

Goodbye 2 + 2 = 4.

The whole "celestial marriage" concept was dreamed up by Joseph Smith, a pathological liar, to cover his adulterous affair with Fanny Alger, in addition to the 30 plus other women who later became his victims. Those poor women, and even young girls who were manipulated by that Master Manipulator, masquerading as a Prophet of God.

Just makes me shake my head with sadness for those women who believed Joseph's lies.

If only I could have been stronger. When the missionaries, young women's teachers, Seminary Teachers, etc. held up those pictures of lovers in front of temples.

If I had only been strong enough to say, "I don't want your cookies, and I am not thirsty for your Kool-aid."

If only I had known that women are just as important as men, and that you dont' really need that Temple Marriage to get to heaven...

Oh, well.

Sometimes Grief is not about Forgiving others.

Sometimes Grief is about accepting what happened, and moving on.

My Returned Missionary husband tried to only give me bruises on parts of my body that were covered by the Garment. I had my Last Bishop take pictures of the Last Bruises my Returned Missionary husband gave me.

My Returned Missionary husband would never dream of looking at porn, and yet he constantly asked me to wear pantyhose and skirts or dresses when he came home from work because he said it was hard for him to keeps his thoughts clean at work because all the women there wore skirts and pantyhose, and he just couldn't keep his thoughts clean.

My Returned Missionary husband constantly criticized me: my hair, my chubby thighs, my cooking. I was never good enough for him.

My Returned Missionary husband felt that since he had a penis, and the Priesthood, that his spirituality trumped mine every time we got different answers to prayer. This also included our couples prayers asking God when it was time to have another child. His answers to prayer trumped mine. After all, as my ex-husband liked to remind me, he was the Senior Companion in our marriage.

My Returned Missioanry husband financially abused me by keeping me on a very tight budget, and yet telling me I could not work outside the home. Stating that my place was at home with the kids. He did not want me to get a marketable degree in college, again, because he stated that my place was in the home.

My Returned Missionary husband took his stress out on me, and our children, when things weren't going well for him at work. If he came home and there were dirty dishes in the sink, he would occasionally throw a dish on the floor to break it, to punish me, all the while yelling at me for not having the house clean for him when he came home from work.

My Returned Missionary husband punched holes in the drywall of our home, in anger, when he did not get his way. He also kicked holes in the drywall of one of our homes when his authority was questioned.

My Returned Missionary husband made my life a living hell on earth, rather than heaven.

Meanwhile, my Returned Misionary husband served as Elder's Quorum president in 3 different wards, and in Bishoprics in 3 different wards.

One of my adult daughters recently confided in me that it was so hard for her to sit in the congregation in various wards, and look up at her Dad sitting on the stand, knowing that her Dad had abused me, or one of the kids that week, and was now smiling on the stand in the Bishopric.

Unfortunately, for the majority of our marriage, I was so beat down emotionally by my Ex, I didn't have the strength to stand up to him, in his verbal and physical attacks against me.

I did; however, have the strength to fight to protect my kids. Many times I placed myself as a human barricade between my Ex and one of my cowering children, trying to calm him down so that he would not hurt someone again.

And of course, those of you who have studied the Abuse Cycle will be aware of the Honeymoon phase, in which the abuser is sweet, and apologetic, and promises to never hurt anyone, or their feelings again.

During the entire course of our marriage, My Returned Missionary husband ALWAYS had a current Temple Recommend.

My Returned Missionary husband. Hmmmmph.

Thank God, or Jesus Christ, or Allah, or Buddha, or the Great Spirit, or whoever is on call up there (is anyone on call up there?) that the Miserable Marriage I was trapped in, is OVER.

And today, I said my my final goodbyes to the dream of that happy temple marraige that was desecrated by my Returned Missionary Husband.

The location?

Anyone from the Twin Falls area that was LDS in the 1970's will remember the LDS bookstore that was in the upstairs balcony area of the Crowley Pharmacy on Mainstreet in the old downtown area.

It was the only LDS bookstore for at least a 50 mile radius. "The LDS Book Nook" on the balcony of the Crowley Drug Store, and soda fountain.

Today, the Crowly Pharmacy and LDS bookstore is now called the "Twin Bean." I suppose a play on words for the name of the town, Twin Falls?

The Twin Bean now sells delicious coffee, lattes, etc. And they also sell beer and wine.

A quite fitting ending for a place that used to sell books to perpetuate Joseph's Myth.

I sat at a small table, alone on the mezzanie, and sipped my Latte. And I said goodbye to the dream of that happy temple marriage. In the same room where I loved looking at books about happy temple marriages.

And I thought again of the words to the David Wilcox song, to paraphase:

I watched it sinking down. The treasure I had almost found was lost. I had to let it go.

~~Anon in Idaho

Am up late where I live. Since retiring two weeks ago sleep erratic and fretful. There are things I am " letting go of.."

Your post has helped me this very early morning. I sincerely hope relationship happiness and trust comes your way... Blessings

Gatorman

Thank you for writing this even though it has been so painful. I will archive this as a pdf file so many can read it over the coming years. I am sure it will help others. It was time well spent in writing.

I am sorry the cult so thoroughly affected you. Please write as much as you wish. You are talented in expressing yourself.

Anon,

Thank you for sharing your bittersweet story. May new treasures find you.

-therbi

I'm sorry you had to go through so much. I remember all the treasures Mormonism offered me. Plastic junk, all of it. Well, except for the gilded turds. Best to let it sink and hope the fish don't choke on it.

You have a treasure greater than Mormonism can imagine, and that treasure is your life free of Mormonism. When you break the chains and allow you to truly love you without limits, you will understand that life is a wonderful gift.

I love this place. I love the pain, the heartache, the hard path, because it reminds me that I'm alive in this love paradise. I need this place to destroy me, and when it does I'll be back for more.

What a journey! So glad you have found your freedom and piece of mind. "Let it go" - three simple words that are profound and loaded with volumes of understanding. I salute you....

I realized the church was not true in 2001 but I stuck with it for a few years after that. I left in 2005 as well. I too was in an abusive relationship with a borderline-personality-disordered wife. It was tough and I'm glad that is over. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Your husband didn't give you the gift of divorce - that is something you did for yourself! I did the same.

I always used to wonder why I wasn't happy. I did all the right stuff but I was married to an unquenchable happiness drain. Getting married right after my mission left me married with a psycho.

At least my kids are out of the cult. "Saving" myself for marriage was one of my biggest regrets. I entered into this huge relationship with someone I didn't really know because of it. Had I lived with her for a year I would have found out she was crazy and I would have left. Instead I figured it was my lot in life and life is painful. Asking for a divorce was a high-point in my life. I finally had the strength to call it quits and retain what was left of my sanity. Good for you for doing the same! Even if you husband "gave" it to you - it was really something you needed and could have taken for yourself.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a gift, you are an excellent writer. Thank you for sharing your story. You deserve a beautiful life and I hope you experience it every day for the rest of your life. Sending you big hugs from this MexMom.

To MexMom, and all of the others who responded so kindly to my wall of text, my sincere thanks.

In a way, I just wanted to post my story as a way to find closure to the divorce, and to vent to those who could possibly understand the loss of not only my marraige, but of my dreams of a happily ever after Temple Marriage.

The kind words, encouragement, and sage advice shared by each of you who have responded to my post are so encouraging to me.

In a way, you are all "my people." I may not have family or friends who understand why I left Mormonism, and why I had to get out of my abusive marriage.

But, strangers have responded to my story in the middle of the night, and in the early morning hours...

I remember the words of a stranger once, a make-up artist at one of those free make-over stations in a department store such as Macys or Dillards.

At the suggestion of a friend, I went to the Clinque counter in a mall, during the time period I was off and on, separated, and then not separated, from my now Ex-husband, as the bitter divorce was playing out. My friend told me she thought it would help my self-esteem to have someone teach me how to put on make-up.

As mentioned in my previous post, for the most part my Ex had been successful in only giving me bruises on parts of my body covered by the garment.

This time around, he slipped by a few inches.

A couple of days prior to my makeover at the mall, my Ex-husband had been trying to talk some sense into me. As usual, he tried to emphasize his words by hurting me physically at the same time. He grabbed me by the upper arms, squeezing my arms hard, and shook me to make a point while he lectured me.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, he left a thumbprint bruise on each inner, upper arm, and left four fingerprint bruises on the upper outer aspect of my arms.

I was making small talk with the cosmetologist who was doing my makeup, when she noticed the bruises on my upper arms, not quite covered by my garments, and T-shirt top.

"Is someone hurting you?" she asked.

I could not lie, and melted in a puddle of tears, washing off all the make-up she had just applied.

Sometimes the kindness of a stranger is the only kindness someone has.

A stranger at a make-up counter at the mall gave me the courage to tell someone I was being abused. The next morning I reached out to my Last Bishop to take the pictures of the Last Bruises.

Again, sending my thanks to my online friends at RfM. We never know when we share kind words with a stranger how much he or she may really need the kindness.

~~anon in Idaho

I agree with MexMom -- you are an excellent writer. I am so glad that you are free of that abuse. The Mormon church tried to sell you happiness, but that happiness was your birthright all along.

Summer,

You are right. Happiness was my birthright all along.

The Mormon Church used my vulnerability, and my sincere desire simply be loved, to manipulate me into thinking that a Temple Marriage was the only way to happiness, and the only way to heaven.

What a crock.

Thank you for your insight.

anon in I-da-ho

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that you did. I felt a lot of guilt from my family when I married outside of the temple. The funny thing is that our reception hall had a view of the Lds temple off in the distance against the mountain. I am very happily married, but just like a brainwashed Mormon there have been times where I have wondered if I would have been happier had I stayed Mormon and naive and married someone just as naive to stay in the church even tho it's so obviously a scam, a scam that gives people a fake sense of happiness. Now when I look at my ex crushes and boyfriends who are TBMs, I won't wonder if I would have been happier staying in a church that I know is wrong, just to have the ever so sacred temple marriage. Thank you for sharing the truth.

Bless you, Anoninidaho. (((hugs)))

Your writing moved me to tears. I'm so sorry you had to endure 25 years of that Hell.

I was conned into marrying a returned missionary in the temple, too, and the abuse began on the wedding day. Before that, he was completely phony, and had everyone fooled. He got me to the temple altar quickly, before I had a chance to meet his parents and sister. Turned out, that the sister had to be removed from their house, because my returned missionary was beating her so brutally. He assaulted several neighbors, and killed their pets. But no one told me or my family about any of this. My ex was a close relative of a very important GA, I met him at an Ivy League grad school, where he was on a scholarship, and he had been an All American football player in high school, and was the highest missionary leader on his mission--all the credentials we were taught in YW, to look for in a future husband.

I'd had two other great young men to choose between--and I dearly loved them both, consecutively, one in high school, who became an atheist, and one in college, who left the Mormon church and decided he didn't want children. Disappointed and heartbroken, I
held out for the promise of a perfect temple marriage to a Mormon returned missionary. Well, I got one.

When my ex-husband was beating me, he would scream quotes of the D & C at me, along with frightening obscenities. More than once, he strangled me so badly, that I lost consciousness. I thought I had died! Sometimes I wanted to die, and have the pain go away. This thug blamed me for everything, even though I was working and putting him through grad school. He used to tell me that according to the cult, I was his possession, and he could do whatever he wanted to me. He told me that for the first time, as soon as the marriage ceremony was over.

My mother had made a beautiful garden luncheon for us at her house, for after the temple ceremony, because everyone was hungry after getting up at 5:00 am to travel to the temple. My parents had shared the same dream of a happy temple marriage. Instead of driving to the luncheon, my new temple husband drove me to the motel and raped me. Of course, I was too naive to understand there was such a thing as spousal rape. I was a true virgin, and had been pure with my other two loves, and it meant a lot to me to be able to wear a white wedding dress and proudly walk down the stairs into the reception on my father's arm. That had been my dream all my life! Now, this sweaty bully was forcing me, and saying he was the boss of me, and I was nothing but a piece of property, and that he could divorce me for not giving him sex, etc. I was feeling ill. I begged him to wait until after the wedding was over, and we had had our official send-off from family and friends. But he forced me, and the injuries were not the usual first-time injuries. I could hardly walk at the reception! My ex-Mormon boyfriend and his brother were at the reception, and I felt like grabbing onto them and saying, "Help me!" But I gave myself over to my abuser, and his cult, and he took me on a honeymoon in a foreign country where his father was the mission president. I got a bad infection from my injuries, and my husband laughed at my pain, like he was some sort of dominating manly man, tearing me apart with his brute strength, and he had a right to, and he didn't wait for me to heal.

The day of my temple marriage was the worst day of my life. It happened back in the days of the blood oaths and naked touching. I clearly felt the presence of evil in the temple.

You must always concentrate on your children, who came out of your marriage. I'm so proud of you for defending them! You were very brave to leave your husband, because statistics show that a abuser is most likely to severely maim or kill his wife, when she tries to leave him. Remember that you are valuable to others and to your own self. You saved yourself, so love yourself for that. I hope you have been able to get therapy.

I still have trouble with some of the physical injuries, but I never have recovered from having been "murdered." I escaped, but he got away with 14 months of beating me--unpunished. I have PTSD, and triggers like church, the temple, Provo, large football players, violent movies, etc. cause flashbacks and nightmares. Therapy helped, and I was able to get married again, down the road, and have children.

It didn't help my recovery to have the Mormon leaders tell me that I would always be sealed to that wife beater for eternity, and also to his two other temple wives that he also beat. When the Mormons told me that my beloved children were automatically sealed to my temple husband--I decided to put an end to it! I resigned from the cult, and declared my temple marriage null and void. That was the only way out, the only cure, and it worked. I'm happy today!

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Breeze,

Oh. My. God.

I am so sorry.

I am so glad you had the courage to get out from under the hands of your abuser after 14 months.

It sounds like your Returned Missionary was even more abusive than mine.

may you continue on your path of healing, following that horrific experience. You deserve better.

~~ anon in Idaho

What a terrible experience and I feel awful you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing these stories because it will help others.

I too have a spouse (rm, tBm) who told me, the day after our wedding, that now that we were sealed in the temple I had to do everything he said and there was nothing I could do about it because we were sealed for eternity and I promised God. I definitely did not see that attitude coming.

Unfortunately the culture created from the teachings of this church is really supportive of abusers and abusive behaviours.

That was a triumphant read. One I needed to see. Thank you.

Thank you fo sharing what was obviously a dark and difficult journey. I had a sense from your story that you now have some peace. I hope that is so xxx

Your post brought back memories of my own disappointment in never achieving that happy temple marriage. I spent years mourning the loss of it. So happy now, many years later that I did what I did, and never went to the temple...instead of losing a gold ring, I dodged a bullet!

I am proud of you for standing up for your children. I too had to save my kids from a horribly abusive situation, and I'm very proud of myself for having the strength to do it. You should be proud of yourself. My mother did not stand up for me...and nothing hurts more than KNOWING, bottom line, that my mother didn't love me, not even up to the end. I will never never never make my kids feel that way, and i'm happy to see that you won't either.

Wish I was there to clink coffee mugs with you! I'm drinking my coffee, making up for 19 years of not having any. Coffee drinking is my daily F U to mormonism.

Wishing you love and happiness in the future! applesauce

anoninidaho Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If anyone is reading this who is good with visual
> images, please create a picture for me of a cute
> couple in front of an LDS temple, with the wedding
> photo sinking down into the deep blue sea, like
> the words of the David Wilcox song.

The imagery was just too compelling, I had to do it:

http://imgur.com/a/esdBt

Hang in there.

ificouldhietokolob Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The imagery was just too compelling, I had to do
> it:
>
> http://imgur.com/a/esdBt
>
> Hang in there.

Oh, Wow!!!

That is one of the most visually compelling, symbolic messages I have ever seen...

Incredibly great work, Hie!!!

Wow!!!

:) :) :)

Hi, Hie to Kolob,

I don't even know how to say thank you for a gift so sacred.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, and dripping off my chin. Once again, a good cleansing cry. A healing cry.

The image you created is exactly as I visualized it. And symbolizes perfectly my loss and pain.

The stormy sky, the famous SLC temple, the young and naive couple... And that deep, blue sea.

Thank you.

~~anon in Idaho

If it helps you heal, it was more than worth it.
You're not the only one to feel this way. Please remember that. We share your pain, and we understand you.

Love & internet hugs...

Hie,

Thank you for your kind words. I am so grateful to know that I have found a community that is willing to share my pain, and offer me encouragement along my journey.

I am a long time lurker, but haven't ever made a lot of posts of my own.

I am a very visual person, and, believe it or not, the photo you created for me will be something I will treasure for the rest of my life. The picture represents to me those 25 years of my life spent in the "Temple Marriage."

They say one picture is worth 1000 words. In this case, the saying is very true.

Better than years of therapy.

Until later,
~~ anon in Idaho

--in a GOOD way.

:=]

Right back at 'ya. :)

You have put it into words in a very amazing way. Thank you!

I'm a man who, like Praydude, was married to a violent borderline. At one point I posted about that and PD offered great empathy and comfort. I am still in the process of divorce; it has been nearly two years and there is no end in sight. But people further down the road tell me there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

Anoninidaho, I read your post late last night and found it deeply moving. I think that the image of an eternal marriage and eternal family is like glue. I grew up in a family that was dysfunctional and hence married badly. Then, like you, I was stuck in the glue, bound by the idea of celestial marriage, something better than I'd had. This vision was so compelling that I could not give up my violent relationship for many, many, many years. Perhaps there is a little of the 15-year-old girl in all of us.

The problem is obviously that domestic violence is like the frog in boiling water: it happens gradually and is interspersed with promises of improvement. Over time the abused person gets used to it, starts to empathize with the abuser, starts to blame him or herself for much of the problem, and then fears the effects of divorce on the children. But of course that is misguided since the kids see the emotional and physical abuse and, eventually, get hit too. In the boiling water, it is enormously difficult to know when to stop "working on" the marriage and climb out of the pot. The instability is such that one is always reeling, trying to solve the immediate crisis, trying to get back to a place where rational thought is possible. But you never really get there.

Then comes some random event--in my case a beating after which I realized emotionally, not rationally, that I was done. Or when someone notices the bruises and says, "that's not right" and you realize, finally, obviously, stupidly, that she is right. And you call the police or some other authority figure and the process begins, a process that you aren't in control of. On the one hand the "system" is offering some protection by dismantling your marriage, on the other you are still being acted upon rather than acting yourself. You are still a victim. So begins the therapy, as the abused person starts dismantling all the co-dependent habits and thinking that developed over the years.

Someone once said that forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past. Your post brought that to mind. it isn't so much forgiving the abuser as it is forgiving oneself for having taken the abuse, for having blamed oneself for the abuse, for having subjected one's children to it. Forgiving yourself for having been infatuated with the image of a couple in front of a temple, the image of a great and loving marriage. I wish I'd had such a past. I wish you had, too. And I hope that we all get a second chance at happiness and a good, loving, healthy relationship.

Thank you for your post.

There were some powerful material shared about experiences. It illustrates so much that the LDS is façade to both the non-Mormon and the people coming of age in the LDS corporation. The façade portrays wonderful and beautiful things. Unfortunately, behind the façade lies a rotting structure where monsters lurk. Time and time again, I have read about RM abusing their wives. They never learned real love and were taught to be on a power trip over women. It is so heartbreaking to hear such stories. It is monstrous!

I remember thinking, each time it happened, that it would never happen again if I could just be good enough, or pray enough. That I could stop him from hurting my children by getting between them somehow.
There was that celestial promise and crystal chandeliers, white dresses and sacred music. We were promised and lead to believe - as if we would be wearing pearls as we greet him and he'll treat us as Jesus would. But it didn't work out like that, did it?
They should stop teaching the girls to be so sweet, so trusting. I remember how my temple husband would laugh as he swung and struck us. My bishop asked me not to tell anyone. It might hurt their faith. That was all long ago. My children don't understand how I allowed them to suffer like they did. I can't forgive myself. I did get out, but only after the damage had been done to them. No one should tolerate abuse. Get out if you can.

Marilee,

I am so sorry to read your story. I feel sad that you still carry a burden of not protecting your children more.

I was not always able to protect my kids, even though I tried my best.

There were times that my Ex-husband would roar at my kids like a Lion. These angry outbursts were unpredicable, and at times uncontrollable.

I was unable to protect my children from sudden, angry verbal outbursts, as my emotionally immature Ex would vent on my poor kids.

Then, there were the times my ex called me a Bitch in front of my children, for some minor infraction of the rules on my part. I was unable to control the emotional damage this inflicted upon my innocent children.

Then, also, there were times I would try to protect one of my children and my ex would yell at me about how I was undermining his authority. How I was interfering with his parenting.

I am not sure of your family dynamics, but given the extreme power and control of the stereotype Mormon Male in the "Father Knows Best" era, perhaps you had to deal with similar dynamics.

It was always my Ex-husband's goal to retain ultimate control in the home, and I imagine that may have been your Ex-husband's goal as well. If you were to interfere and protect your children, that may have been perceived as a threat by your Ex. Just guessing.

At any rate, my heart goes out to you.

Best wishes to you as you find the best path for you, post Mormonism.

~~anon in Idaho

marilee Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There was that celestial promise and crystal
> chandeliers, white dresses and sacred music. We
> were promised and lead to believe - as if we would
> be wearing pearls as we greet him and he'll treat
> us as Jesus would. But it didn't work out like
> that, did it?

Marilee, what a poignant phrase "celestial promise and crystal chandeliers, white dresses and sacred music..."

I have vivid memories of all of these. And, yet, as you stated so clearly, it didn't work out like we had been told it would.

Thanks again for your response to my story. I am finally finding peace, roughly 10 years after the divorce was final. Part of finding my peace has been knowing that there are others out there who have shared a similar sadness, and have survived.

sending warm regards your way,
~~anon in Idaho

I had to let go of ever being pregnant. At 28 I had a hysterectomy. Every now and again, I wish there was a mini me to watch have first experiences with, but disease made me let it go. That's the mormon's favorite thing to throw in my face btw.

And how the mormons have treated you over this issue. Things we never expect to happen in our lives that do.

I read these accounts and I feel lucky to have married my gay husband. We have the "happily ever after." We are best friends NOW and he has his boyfriend and I have mine. We've come SO FAR. There was emotional abuse along the way during the years we were coming to terms with the end of our marriage, but he is one of my best friends.

I held out for the dream and SO DID MY EX. He dreamed of the same thing and prayed all his life for someone like me to come into his life and make it possible. I gave up several other opportunities to marry outside the temple and have now been in a relationship with my nonmo boyfriend from age 20 for 11 years (I'm 59).

I'm sorry for all that you others have been through.

Your post really touched me...today I watched the photos on facebook of a friend's daughter getting married in the Salt Lake Temple - a man she has known for about 5 months. Makes me so sad, but I hope he is a good guy.

My other friend's daughter married in the Salt Lake temple last December - I went to help make the day special because I love this family - but I refused to go to the temple. I was their 'Girl Friday' and ran errands and got everything ready for the reception - which was a blast!

I have hit the age where my LDS Friends' children are marrying - so far all in the temple. I wish I had a way to share your post with them...I hope they are strong enough to escape if the marriages aren't what they should be!