Posted by:
Adult of god
(
)
Date: May 06, 2011 11:36AM
all of which are based on empirical data from his decades-long research into relationships. Pay particular attention to what he has to say about problems: there are two kinds, solvable problems and unsolvable problems (perpetual problems). On average 69% of the problems a couple will run into are of the perpetual type! No matter who you are with!
Perpetual problems spring from the deeply-held values that the individuals have developed over their lives; it's how life seems right to them. These areas can include religion, parenting, handling money, what kinds of vacations to take, how much you want your in-laws involved, ad infinitum.
For example, my daughter-in-law (and her three little sisters and mom) were abandoned financially by their father/husband. They had to go on welfare, eat government cheese, and pick up cans along the road for spending money. My daughter-in-law graduated with a master's, with no student loans (she hates debt), no help from her family, and with $10,000 in the bank! She marries my son, whose idea of handling money is experience and adventure. For years they fought over the other not being like themselves, until they really got that if they had married someone just like themselves (which they were trying to get the other to be), well, my daughter-in-law would live in the same house all her life, never take vacation, etc. and sock it all away. My son, married to someone like himself, would be off in Zimbabwe with nothing in the bank, but he would own Great Gear!
When they finally understood why the other is the way they are, they could compromise and talk, not fight. And they realized that together they do have assets AND adventure, although not quite as much as each would like.
They know Gottman's concepts and bring them into their life.
However, perpetual problems don't end!! EVER!
I got a call a couple of nights ago from my daughter-in-law who said she had a marital problem: my son had come home with an expensive bottle of wine ($23) and a package of Oreo's. It was the unnecessay expenditure of the Oreos that really ticked her off. "He's just going to eat them; they'll be gone in two days!" Of course he's been buying and eating Oreo's for about 35 years now, including the entire length of their relationship. It will bug her when she's 80. ;)
Seek out Gottman!