Posted by:
laurad
(
)
Date: October 25, 2016 01:17PM
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's not because she's a TBM, although it may have some small thing to do with it. But since I don't know her or the full situation, take it with a grain of salt.
Anyway...
For many, many years I thought I was a horrible person because I didn't have the same relationship with my mother as I saw others brag about: my mother is my best friend, she's my hero, she's always been there for me, etc. And then there was this nagging feeling that I never bonded with her. I had a shitty childhood. We blamed everything on my dad who kinda deserved the blame, but it has taken me a long, long time to realize, my mother was to blame for things as well. While my father was physically and verbally abusive, my mother was covert: critical, judgmental, and created a bunch of co-dependents along the way. Yay for me. In my effort to find that one gaping wound that never seemed to heal no matter how hard I tried to fix it, I finally stumbled upon a couple of books that really spoke to me and my feelings toward my mother. Here they are:
The Emotionally Absent Mother
https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Absent-Mother-Self-Healing-Getting/dp/1615190287/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1477414511&sr=1-1&keywords=the+emotionally+absent+motherAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=6WWS7SK748HFJ4R97DKCYou may not recognize yourself in these books, but if it might shed some light on those weird feelings you have, I hope you at least check them out of the library.
The first book finally put a name to what I had been feeling. My mother was always there physically but she was so checked out (for whatever reason) that I never really could connect with her. When I brought up my problems or asked questions or tried to get close, she pushed me away with her mood, a look, or just brushed me off completely. I'm not sure if she did this with the rest of her kids or not, but I suspect they felt it too. We are all walking wounded. The one thing that made me think it might be my mother was when one of my brothers commented that he always thought our mom was depressed. She denied it, of course, as she denied any emotion, but it was that moment I realized my hunches were right.
The second book I recommended is much better than the first, at least for me.
I've been through the wringer over the past few years as I worked through childhood issues. I'm in a much better place because of that work. If you need distance from your mother, take it, but don't write her off completely unless you feel you just can't deal with anything she dishes out. Take care of you first. Put your emotional growth first.
I love my parents. They're deeply flawed humans who put their needs above the needs of their kids. But I realize now that they were just living what they were taught. I've decided I'm much better than the version of me they saw. I gave their pain back to them and only carry my own now. It's still a struggle some days, but I know I deserve to be happy.
My mother apologized for being a bad mother. I forgave her the second she said it. We'll never have that Hallmark card relationship, but I'll give to myself what she was incapable of.
My father still justifies his behavior. I don't expect him to apologize. I don't need him to anymore.
Whoa, that was long-winded of me. Anyway, I hope you explore those books or the concept of emotional absent parents. It was a healing discovery for me and I can't help but feel I have to spread that knowledge around to someone who might need it. Good luck and take care of you first.