Ok so I've gotten some shit on here about my views of BDSM which to most is a "lifestyle" choice defending it with the fervor of the hated Mormons. Ok let's be real I was a sub at some points with some very abusive dickwads. To say that they never abuse their subs is unrealistic at best, dangerous at worst. Safe words are a big piece of shit, are you supposed to remember words like "basilisk" "apple" or "catapult" in moments of extreme pain? No. Sometimes the pain leaks out at inopportune moments as well such as being slapped in public for saying something "wrong" or having your genitalia damaged to the point of being scarred in places for months. To assume every Dom is a great upstanding person is just as naive as anything a Mormon could say. Most I've met and been with have no respect for the sub at all. Continued brutally as well can lead to health problems I still have scars on places their shouldn't be mentally and physically. So to say that5 is some fucked up shit to be blunt...disappointed much.

If you didn't like it, why were you doing it?

Most people here will defend consensual acts, but I doubt you're going to find anyone who would condone non-consensual ones.

There are words for non-consensual sex acts: assault, abuse and rape.

Heard good things about it from friends so I went ahead. I was afraid to leave, he had knives and shit, and knew where I lived.

East Coast Exmo Wrote:
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> If you didn't like it, why were you doing it?
>


If you don't like being murdered, why were you?

That is the logic of your question. The OP clearly stated (for most readers) that many "submissivives" are actually abuse victims, with the abusers using the "dom" label as an excuse.

Nice way to blame a person so severely abused as to carry lifetime scars. Thanks for the insight to your thinking.

And this is exactly the point. The OP is railing against BDSM and similar lifestyles, but was apparently an abuse victim. It's like criticizing people who like to cook because someone once tried to poison you.

Yes, it is clear that Princess Telestia is a victim of abuse. In her post a little way down she admits that she has self-esteem issues: "And kept getting these kind of guys... for fear no one else would want me." She would probably benefit from counseling.

The fundamental issue here is that if you keep telling people "yes" when you really want to say "no", you are going to have problems.

To be blunt wasn't once was multiple times and when people tell me it's "healthy" I have to question their sanity. That's what started it....

And kept getting these kind of guys (although I'm bi can't say I've had a dominatrix) for fear no one else would want me.....so I agreed and every time was thrown away.

By telling me people who do it are "healthier" sexually was kind of jerky. They aren't or at least I've never met any.....

Just what the research reports. Facts are not jerky. It sounds like you were involved in abusive relationships, not consensual acts. People have all kinds of preferences and as long as it's safe, sane, and consensual, it's fine. I'm sorry that you were abused over and over, it's not ok to be put through that, but that doesn't mean people in the scene are always abusive or mentally/emotionally ill.

At the risk of bringing more pain to you, did you and your exes ever sit down and discuss a scene and what you were willing to do and not do before engaging in one? Because if a Dom isn't doing that, they don't know what they're doing or maybe they really do and just want to hurt someone. People who are new or unfamiliar with the scene and the rules are usually easy prey to abusive wannabe doms.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=people%20in%20bdsm%20have%20the%20healthiest%20sex%20lives



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2016 06:03PM by Itzpapalotl.

Not really they told me what to do not letting me talk....at all.

The first rule, especially when playing with someone new, is to sit down and have a chat about what will go on in the scene, what's acceptable, what's pushing the limits, and what's completely off the table. Most experienced Doms will not even engage with someone who's had a drink because they don't want to risk it.

A scene is supposed to play out with all parties explaining what they want to do before engaging. Not all people in the BDSM scene enjoy all that much pain either. Sometimes it's just about certain sensations that titillate a person, like stroking with a one of those flagellation tool or one of those metal claws without leaving marks. Others like it somewhere in the middle with red marks and light bruises, and others like it very, very rough, leaving permanent marks, but they still make that choice. It sounds like you didn't have any choice or a voice and that's abuse, not what BDSM is about.

Like I said, there are all kinds of people in every scene and it sounds like you were targeted by the scumbags. FB friends that are involved in the scene talk about some of the wannabe doms that are just assholes and they would be assholes no matter what sub-culture they were involved.

Again. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but being both a future sex researcher and a person who has been in abusive relationships, too, let me tell you that abusers seek out vulnerable people that are easy marks (that's not victim blaming) and push the limits over and over until the victim is literally and/or figuratively beaten into the ground. Sex is supposed to be with enthusiastic consent, whatever someone is into. It should not involve coercion, force, or lying.

I don't know.....I've never met any practitioners of BDSM that were happy I guess is why I doubt it. The doms were but the subs usually weren't.....I just hate the marks on me, they make me embarrassed of my past so even when my current boyfriend saw I lied and said cat did it. He's skeptical but I won't let him ask, that part of my past needed to die in my eyes.

But painting an entire sub-culture as abusive isn't going to make your pain and trauma disappear and it stigmatizes people expressing their sexuality in a healthy and consensual manner.

It's horrible you were put through that, but I can tell you that abuse frequently happens outside of the BDSM scene, too.

Have you been in or considered therapy? Or a support group for abuse survivors?

Both....they both sucked. So I learned to deal with it on my own. Therapists up here are crap I've learned. The only abuse survivor one was LDS based so we all know how that went.

You mentioned you are bisexual, so this might be relatable for you.

Bisexuals are often painted as greedy, promiscuous, confused, cheaters, in denial, and for the women, attention seeking. Thanks to the media and the prejudice against bis in both mainstream and LGBTQ+ communities, bis are often stigmatized, no matter how many bis that don't fit those narratives exist.

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

What happened to you was not safe, nor sane, and most definitely NOT consensual. I'm not saying go out and jump back in a scene and the BDSM scene should do a better job of policing itself in these cases. I'm trying to foster an understanding that what happened was abusive and the result of abusive predators under the guise and cover of the BDSM sub-culture.

It is especially difficult when you don't have someone who can objectively help you process this trauma. I hope you can find a way to reconcile what you went through, because it sounds terrible. The past doesn't always die, sometimes it festers into sores that need to be lanced and compressed before they become infected.

Never fully worked through it and maybe I would've been more comfortable if the people weren't so abusive, actually listened to the safe words they told me, and maybe gave me a bit of affection after...even after the scarring and bruises the worst part was their lack of affection after and the fact they didn't care how I felt...it was all about them. Or the fact they never let me into public with them, because they were afraid of being laughed at for having ugly me as their anything....I just can't even see love in it I guess, and that's what I thought a relationship was is love of some kind whether it be friends or romance or whatever. That's why I have a tough time accepting it's ever safe, happy, or fulfilling, maybe there's some but I've never seen it with friends who were into it, my own experiences, or whatever.

That is really sad and my heart breaks for you. Did you negotiate beforehand or have a contract? I always negotiated aftercare and found a great deal of affection and love in my BDSM relationships. Much more closeness than in my vanilla ones.

Abuse is abuse no matter where and when it occurs. IMO if you have self-esteem issues then exotic sexual practices are not for you.

ruh roh !

Rape, threats, violence abuse are *NOT* BDSM.

They are exactly that: abuse.

I've been in BDSM relationships that were not abusive. I've also been in vanilla relationships that were.

There are abusers into BDSM, but they are not inherently connected. And all the research shows they aren't correlated, and those who practice BDSM are actually quite emotionally healthy on the whole. I'm sorry you had those abusive experiences, but what you're describing factually is not BDSM. It is abuse.

If you couldn't remember your safe words, you were not in a safe space or were being pushed too hard. I did some highly extreme scenes and never forgot my safe word. The people you're with should also watch for signs of issues you may be having with or without a safe word. And if you were being forced to do things you didn't want, that was abuse, not BDSM. I never enjoyed humiliation and various other things and nobody ever once tried them with me. We always had negotiations beforehand and I was never injured. If someone injured me, that would have been irresponsible and/or abusive on their part.

I understand why you would be upset due to your trauma, but isn't it just as fucked up to insinuate that someone else isn't healthy because you had an abusive experience? You don't know their story or what kind of BDSM experiences they had.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 12/07/2016 04:37PM by Loyalexmo.