Posted by:
Pariah
(
)
Date: January 06, 2017 06:13PM
I'm so sorry you had to live through those rough times. I'm even more sad that you are still enmeshed in some of it.
There's nothing anyone can say or do to talk you out of your sadness. You are the one who lived all of this.
You probably have thought of therapy, but don't have the money to pay for it.
It does help to DO something. Start small. Take a shower. Walk outside and take deep breaths. Start moving your arms. Small actions lead to larger actions.
Go ahead and accept the help of your well-meaning friend. No one is perfect. Your friend might not have had many terrible experiences--but she can still observe that you are in pain, right?
I was in an abusive marriage, too. My Mormon temple husband would beat me almost every day, and I had to go to the hospital several times. I was so suicidal and ashamed, that I didn't tell anyone. Finally, to save my life, I escaped him, all on my own, and got divorced. Fortunately we didn't have any children--I used the pill, plus a diaphragm, plus spermicide, to make sure no child would be brought into that violent situation. I would advise you to do the same. Carefully plan your exit, because an abusive spouse becomes the most violent, when the partner tries to leave him/her.
When I was all alone and being beaten, I was too terrified to ask anyone's advice, so I went to the library, and read all about spousal abuse, psychopaths, divorce laws, etc. The book "Learning to Leave" was useful.
I almost committed suicide--over a nasty, violent thug. No one is worth killing yourself over! There's a suicide hotline at the top of this page. Please get help!
I don't know what it would be like to never have known your parents. OMG! My parents are dead, and my siblings are out of my life, because they tried to steal from me and my brother (who is now deceased). So, no family now. I also lost all--virtually ALL--of my Mormon fake-friends, when I left the church.
But--there is love in the world, all around you. It is easiest to find it in nature, at first. Please get help--even from people who feel awkward and who struggle for the right words. I hope I didn't make you feel worse. (((hugs)))