I sometimes have days where I am very down. For the most part, I can keep it together but sometimes I just can't.

Recently a friend of mine was trying to make me feel better by pointing out situations that are "worse" than mine, in an attempt to give me a better perspective so that I can feel better. That does not work. As a result, said friend insisted on having me explain so they can understand me better. Here is what I wrote:


"Try understanding, pain so severe you wished you didn't have to live anymore. Try wondering if your biological mother gave you up because she didn't want you or if she just couldn't keep you. Try wondering if the adoption was already in mind or if your adoptive mother just went to the hospital to find a vulnerable woman. Try wondering if your life was conceived in a marriage, a one-night stand, or a rape. Try wondering what your biological family looks like. Try knowing you have a sibling out there, but you don't know them. Try wondering if any are alive or dead. Try wondering if they'd want to see you or not, thinking if it's worth it to try to seek them out, not knowing how you feel about it. Try thinking about going through life not knowing a single human that looks like you. Try thinking about knowing you've hit rock bottom in your life. Try wondering if you are crazy. Try wondering if anyone would ever want to be with you, because you're so undesirable. Try feeling completely at the mercy of someone else, with very little resources to work with. Try losing your entire social network because you no longer believe in a church. Try realizing your entire life was based on a lie. Try realizing the way you saw everything in the entire universe was wrong. Try being afraid to anger your spouse after they continually threaten you with taking children away and leaving you on the street, then out of sheer fear allow them to have their way with you. Try feeling physically aroused and at the same time screaming internally because you want them to stop but you can't speak or move. Try knowing your body was used like an object for their pleasure, and that you were discarded like a candy wrapper afterwards. Try sleeping next to them as they sleep soundly, while you lay there, slowly dying inside. Try feeling disgust at residing within yourself, loathing your body, hating yourself. Try listening to someone tell you, "Well, look on the bright side, you could be living in Afghanistan but you don't."

Having a bad day reliving my life.

I am sorry you are going through this, Invictus...

Although it is probably not going to help, remember that we do care for you and for your welfare and happiness, and we are always behind you---no matter what.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Depression is horribly difficult and it's made even harder by well meaning people who don't understand what you're going through. They may mean well, but comparing your pain to another's ultimately makes your pain worse. It invalidates what you're going through. Just because someone else's life is difficult doesn't mean that what you're going through isn't valid as well.

Depression isn't something that someone just gets over. You have very real, very valid reasons for feeling the way that you're feeling, it can be a very difficult process to work through all of those emotions, especially if you are living with a major source of your emotional pain.

I hope that you can untangle yourself from this. Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

It's never helpful to compare problems others face with whatever a depressed person is experiencing.

Many posters and lurkers are reading and learning your message. They're also sending you support and good thoughts this very minute.

Take care.

I'm so sorry you had to live through those rough times. I'm even more sad that you are still enmeshed in some of it.

There's nothing anyone can say or do to talk you out of your sadness. You are the one who lived all of this.

You probably have thought of therapy, but don't have the money to pay for it.

It does help to DO something. Start small. Take a shower. Walk outside and take deep breaths. Start moving your arms. Small actions lead to larger actions.

Go ahead and accept the help of your well-meaning friend. No one is perfect. Your friend might not have had many terrible experiences--but she can still observe that you are in pain, right?

I was in an abusive marriage, too. My Mormon temple husband would beat me almost every day, and I had to go to the hospital several times. I was so suicidal and ashamed, that I didn't tell anyone. Finally, to save my life, I escaped him, all on my own, and got divorced. Fortunately we didn't have any children--I used the pill, plus a diaphragm, plus spermicide, to make sure no child would be brought into that violent situation. I would advise you to do the same. Carefully plan your exit, because an abusive spouse becomes the most violent, when the partner tries to leave him/her.

When I was all alone and being beaten, I was too terrified to ask anyone's advice, so I went to the library, and read all about spousal abuse, psychopaths, divorce laws, etc. The book "Learning to Leave" was useful.

I almost committed suicide--over a nasty, violent thug. No one is worth killing yourself over! There's a suicide hotline at the top of this page. Please get help!

I don't know what it would be like to never have known your parents. OMG! My parents are dead, and my siblings are out of my life, because they tried to steal from me and my brother (who is now deceased). So, no family now. I also lost all--virtually ALL--of my Mormon fake-friends, when I left the church.

But--there is love in the world, all around you. It is easiest to find it in nature, at first. Please get help--even from people who feel awkward and who struggle for the right words. I hope I didn't make you feel worse. (((hugs)))

Thank you for sharing. He actually apologized to me for being superficial. I know he means well. I'm glad I took the time to spell it out for him. I was pretty upset but now that he understands me better we can get over it together and move on.

That's very good news. I'm glad you were able to communicate and he was able to really hear you.

I'm lucky to have him. He's a gentle soul and so much wants to see me happy.

I'm so happy for you!

Thanks. I actually have RfM to thank for bringing us together :-)

Really?! That's awesome!!! I love it when you can hook up with someone who gets the back story with regards to mormonism.

I know the pain of depression. I'm not going to write about that. I am going to write about being an adoptive parent. Every day I honor my children's birth parents. A day never goes by without me remembering my greatest happiness rose from another's greatest pain, loss, and sorrow, and the sacrifices made to ensure their child would have a better chance in life. My children knew I loved their birth mother because they were part of her so she must be a good and wonderful and beautiful person. (Young children tend to focus on the loss of their birth mother. Dads come later.) My children have always known that when they turned 18 I would help them search for their respective birth parents. They have no interest in searching. As men in their 30s it is statistically unlikely they will change their minds. I suspect they would not mind being found. It would be very difficult to find their parents and they come from a culture where a reunion most likely would cause the parents more pain than joy. Not every search ends well. I respect their decision although I wish I could tell their birth parents the children are healthy and loved and treasured and are men they can be very proud of. There is no scenario of how the children came to be that would make me or their recently deceased father love the children less. This is my long winded way of telling you that you have always been loved and deserving of love and how you came into being is of far less importance than who you are and can be. I do not mean this to be a cure to your depression. It doesn't work that way. Our brains are different, be it a chemical imbalance (or whatever) and the depression is often triggered by stress. (This comes from my doctors at Princeton University, they said it much more intelligently.) IMO you would benefit from medication and talk therapy. Think about. I hope things get better soon. If you've read this far, thanks for listening.

Thank you for sharing. It helps somehow, even though my own parents have never given me any of those assurances.

If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, the lethargy, the hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for them when they come though the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.

— Stephen Fry, comedian, actor, writer, and bipolar

"You're obsessed with your mental illness."

..."I know, right? It's almost like it impacts every part of my
...life."

"It's all in your head."

..."I know, it's almost like it's a MENTAL illness."

"Why do you let it affect you and stop you from being able to
do things?"

..."I know, right? It's almost like it's an ACTUAL ILLNESS."

>>Recently a friend of mine was trying to make me feel better by pointing out situations that are "worse" than mine...

People wouldn't do that for any other illness, would they? They would just empathize with whatever is afflicting you.

Sending you hugs from afar.

"Why can't you just get over it, and cheer up??"

(To a person trapped in a hideous job and with an abusive spouse.)

Fortunately, this formerly depressed person survived until retirement, divorced the abuser, and married the most wonderful, understanding spouse ever.

Fortunately for me, most of the abuse has subsided but my poor kids are starting to feel the pain of having to live with someone who is immature, lacks empathy, and has a reality problem.

It's been 3 years since I came out as a non believer and I was punished for it. During these years, I've been building a career for myself that will be able to support myself and my kids. Had I left right away, things would have been very difficult financially. The church is of course 2 faced by saying they encourage women to be educated but we know that's a lie. They want women to be dependent in every way on their tbm husbands and the church. To have too many kids to allow them to work. No finished degree or marketable skills because they get married at age 20 after a few months of dating and start having babies. When a tbm woman realizes the church is a lie and she's married to a narcissist, an abuser, or an immature prick it is a tall order for her to get a divorce.


In any case, I've bided my time and will soon be able to file in the upcoming months. And it also helps that I've found my soul-mate, a sweet and gentle man who loves me completely.

Depression lies. Don't listen to it.

The most insidious thing about depression is being able to realize there is light at the end of the tunnel, because depression does everything it can to shutter that light.

I would say for most people comparing ones problems to others who have it worse is quite valuable. Quite plainly humans are psychological creatures who's good feelings are based on what we called "self esteem" It's selfish, it's egotistical, it's natural, but that's where humans derive their sense of worth.

The male ego is based on three things: How much money we make, what we can bench, and how big our sex drive is. All these things are in comparison to everyone else.

If I was to guess about the females ego I would say it is based on how big their knockers are, what a dish their boyfriend is, and how much money can they spend at the mall.

Okay, poopstone, that last bit about "female's" ego isn't just bullshit, that actually hurts my feelings. I am hurt.

I have tiny boobs. I do not wrap my self-esteem around them. I don't wrap my self-esteem or identity around a boyfriend/husband/partner/whathaveyou, either because I have been single my entire adult life. I rarely have a boyfriend.

And I don't spend a bunch of money at the mall because the malls are overpriced and it's a poor economic decision.

So, #1, I fail to see how your post is relevant to supporting depressed people and #2 your post just depresses me even more. I will obviously die single because I'd rather do that than hook up with some man who thinks all I care about is getting my gold-digging claws into his money. (And if that's who I am, then I'd have done that decades ago.)

I don't derive my self-worth from comparing to other people. Any time I've ever tried that, I find I come up short. I am mediocre in just about every way possible.

I derive my self worth from who I am and what I can do. I am kind and sensitive and empathetic. I love to fuss over people I care about, feed them and whatnot. I am funny and engaging. I am smart and talented. I am a dancer, an editor, and a rescuer of dogs. I don't need anyone else to project myself on to in order to feel good about myself and what hurts me about your statements, is I don't really know any women at all who are wholly focused on their boobs, their boyfriends, and spending money at the mall. I don't even know anyone who goes to the damn mall.

Why do you think all women are just silly 16-year-old girls? Haven't you met any?

Wow... just wow... I really feel sorry for anyone in your life that you attempt to "cheer-up" with that nonsense.

So, men's ego's are based on what they can do... Women's are superficial... How wrong you are. I feel bad for the women in your life if that's what you truly feel.

Actual research into emotion, depression, and mental health shows pretty clearly that comparisons do not help. They hurt. There is always someone better and always someone worse, you can't win in that and it leads down a dark and dangerous road.

Finally Free! Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Actual research into emotion, depression, and
> mental health shows pretty clearly that
> comparisons do not help. They hurt. There is
> always someone better and always someone worse,
> you can't win in that and it leads down a dark and
> dangerous road.

I know when I'm depressed I often find myself thinking that I shouldn't be because on paper my life is so much better than most of the planet.

It definitely doesn't help. It just makes me more depressed because I "shouldn't" be feeling depressed...

"C'mon, just suck it up and stop limping."

"You just have the flu to draw attention to yourself."

"Just because you're undergoing chemotherapy, doesn't mean you
can't be more outgoing, and cheerful."

"Why don't you pull yourself together and stop being in that
Wheelchair."