How common is it for adults in relationships to have affairs? Is it justifiable if you're in a sexless marriage? Is it ok and perfectly normal to go one's adult life never really having a normal sex life? I think this has to be a fairly common problem in mormon marriages or marriages where at least one partner is mormon. How do people stay married when there is sexual dysfunction?

Back in the day when I was an active member,mormon women NEVER discussed their marital problems with each other. We just kept things to ourselves. We all had to put on the show of eternal bliss, don't you know. I never knew how dysfunctional my marriage was because I had NOTHING to compare it to.

Fast forward to now....I have found out that over half of my immediate and extended family have dysfynctional marriages and some are getting divorced. Now, I do not know if extramarital affairs have had anything to do with any of the divorces, but it is quite stunning to me that so many temple marriages are breaking up and the stigma from 40-50 years ago to separate seems to be waning. I even had a relative tell me that though they hate to see anyone divorce, they said in one instance it was the best thing that could have happened. That really surprised me because I thought they would be very critical of the break-up.

What I DO see in the non mormon community is that more and more people are opting to live together, sometimes for years and not get married. When I got engaged to my never-mo guy, I thought my grown kids would really be upset that we bought a house together. But, it seems they are ok with the arrangement. It's going on 7 years now.

>>What I DO see in the non mormon community is that more and more people are opting to live together, sometimes for years and not get married.

Among socially liberal nevermos, it's been that way for decades now. It doesn't totally prevent sexual mismatches, but it goes a long way toward addressing them.

To the OP, affairs are not generally considered acceptable in American culture, even among nevermos. That is not to say that they don't happen. As for being justifiable, ultimately the only person you need to answer to in that regard is your spouse. Some spouses will turn a blind eye. Others will head straight to the divorce lawyer should you get found out.

I would say it's NOT normal to have a sexless marriage. But it does happen.

I would have loved to live with my girlfriend for a couple of years and work out some kinks before getting married "for time and all eternity." For "time and all eternity" is asking a lot for pimply faced kids who have only known each other for a couple of months and have been hustled off to the temple by anxious parents.

people must care about other people more than they care about sex, many people don't want to live alone, so they settle. Is Sex actually that important to anyone?

Sex is not everything, but if your spouse is the only person you're allowed to have sex with, your sexual relationship really should work.

No thanks

IMO, an affair is not justifiable, even in a sexless marriage. I also don't think that a sexless marriage is common in tbm marriages. What is justifiable is divorce.

If she doesn't make any effort to satisfy your needs, then she has no business in how you satisfy your needs. (At least that is what I am starting to believe.)

She? It's not always her that's bring on the problem. Some people with sexless marriages need to look in the mirror.

Sexless or near-sexless marriages in my opinion are quite common. As someone in a previous comment said, the companionship may be more important than the sex - especially as years go by.

One friend remarked, "Interest wanes as soon as the ink is dry on the marriage license."

While stats are difficult to garner and gauge, high estimates for affairs are frequently reported.

And as some say, "If the sex is good, it's 10% of the marriage. If it's not, it's 90%."

Interesting article on this subject.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html?utm_term=.1e0309b6ec7e



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/15/2017 01:02AM by auntsukey.

I don't think it is okay or perfectly normal to never have a sex life. I personally do not feel it is okay to cheat on your spouse. If you mutually ageee on having an open relationship that is between the two of you. That would not work for me personally, but I'm not going to judge what might work for others. If that is not okay with her, I think you have to decide if it is a deal breaker. I do think it is a valid reason for divorce. I think it would be better to divorce her before you pursue other sexual relationships.

At least in my two decades of marriage, most as TBMs, we have maintained a satisfying and frequent sex life. My female LDS friends who talked about it mostly had sex at least once a week. There were a coupe who had no interest, but did it out of duty occasionally. They both had other problems in the relationship so not sure what came first. The rest of us suggested they go to their doctor to see if there was some medical reason they had no sex drive.

"In a 2006 paper Smith reported: “The best estimates are that about 3% to 4% of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year and about 15% to 18% of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married.”

This is a far cry from the claims of some sex researchers like Sherry Hite, who has posited that 70% of women who have been married for five years or more are having affairs.

According to Smith, the proportion of Americans who have ever had an affair rises from 13% among 18- to 29-year-olds to 20% among those in the mid-life-crisis years, from ages 40 to 49. Then the level drops off."

http://www.forbes.com/2009/06/28/sanford-ensign-affair-opinions-columnists-extramarital-sex.html

As far as the "moral" side of it...

I think if there's little to no sex in a marriage, the couple needs to figure out what they want to do. If one of the two wants sex and the other doesn't, they can decide to allow that one to have sex outside the marriage and stay together, or they can decide to part ways. Neither choice, IMHO, is "immoral."

What I would consider "immoral" is "cheating." Sneaking around having sex with other people and hiding it from your spouse. If you're not satisfied, say so and figure out what to do WITH your spouse. "Man up," so to speak. "Cheating" is just being a dishonest weasel.

I'm not sure it's as simple as you suggest. If there is no sex, there is likely no intimacy. If there is no intimacy, it's unlikely there could be a frank discussion about the needs of each partner.

Though I have no way of knowing, I suspect that the "uninterested" partner may suspect the cheating but turn a blind eye rather than confront the situation, turning lives upside down and losing the benefits of the marriage - be they monetary, familial, societal, etc.

People stay together for all kinds of reasons, not all of them sexual.

auntsukey Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm not sure it's as simple as you suggest. If
> there is no sex, there is likely no intimacy. If
> there is no intimacy, it's unlikely there could be
> a frank discussion about the needs of each
> partner.

I have 'frank' discussions with people I'm not intimate with all the time...
But anyway, sure. I didn't suggest it was "simple," though. I simply stated what I thought was the best course of action. Nobody has to abide by what I consider the best course of action but me.

Wow did you ever open up a can of worms with me!!! I will do a cliff note version of my story.

I went on a mission after one semester at Ricks College. I served the whole 2 years and after being home one year I got married to my first wife the day after she graduated high school in 1979. Yep. I know you don't have to tell me. I was young and horny and a virgin determined to keep it that way until I got married. Why? Brainwashing by the morg.

So it turned out that all that petting and necking while we were dating were all she was up to because once we were married she discovered that she felt like sex was dirty and wrong. This is a very long story so I will shorten it to I stayed with her for 30 years, somehow we had 4 kids, and I say somehow because in 30 years we were intimate no more than 15 times. No I am not exaggerating.

I told her I wanted a divorce in January of 2006 and she asked me to try to work things out and in July of 2007 after a nasty argument because she was acting just like she did before we decided to work things out and I told her our marriage was finished that it was just a matter of time before I left.

Up to this point I had never cheated on her with anyone ever. I still stayed with her until August of 2009 when I finally said I was finished. My youngest had just turned 18 so my obligation to my kids was completed so I started looking for someone. I was not divorced but we had been sleeping in separate bedrooms since July of 2007 so technically I did cheat when I met my present wife but the marriage was over I just had not moved out and done the paperwork yet.

Yes it is possible for people to go a lifetime without intimacy and not cheat, I did it. The good news is that I got a second chance at life and my new life I am making up for all those lost years. My wife is 20 years younger than I am and we are like young newly weds after 7 years of marriage we are still as passionate and in love as the first day, in fact we are way more in love now than when we first fell in love. It is amazing and I am so glad I waited for my wife that I am with now!!!!

Side note:My youngest son who I waited to turn 18 still lives with me and my wife and my mother. He is 25 now but he lost his hand when he was 15 and that is another very long story so I won't go into it now. Just interesting that his mother lives less than a mile from me but my son has always lived with me since the divorce.

I'm really happy about your happy ending!

"How common is it for adults in relationships to have affairs?"

According to this article on NPR.org, about 20% of married people admit to having affairs. Another almost 10% did not answer, so the number could be as high as one-third.
http://www.npr.org/2015/07/26/426434619/sorting-through-the-numbers-on-infidelity


"Is it justifiable if you're in a sexless marriage?"
You can justify anything you want to justify. Personally, my moral code would say either get counseling or get divorced. I cannot justify infidelity IF that is the relationship agreement. I cannot also abide a sexless relationship IF sex was on the table at the start of the relationship agreement. I can say, sure, maybe the relationship agreements should be revisited. That can and probably should happen periodically.


"Is it ok and perfectly normal to go one's adult life never really having a normal sex life?"

I don't think that's okay nor perfectly normal. That said, normal is a setting on a washing machine. Everyone defines "normal" differently. I also think if the sex life is healthy, it's not that big a deal in a relationship. If it is not, then it's the ONLY deal. It's huge.

"I think this has to be a fairly common problem in mormon marriages or marriages where at least one partner is mormon."

Correlation does not equal causation.


"How do people stay married when there is sexual dysfunction?"

Sex therapists? Renegotiating the relationship agreement to open the relationship? I don't know. This is why I so strongly advocate for sex prior to marriage. Then you know what you're getting and you can determine BEFORE the contract is signed in blood if you are incompatible. That said, relationships change.

Extramarital affairs should never happen unless you are alone or with somebody

How is it that you can withhold sex, then accuse your spouse of cheating?

I say the withholding is cheating already. Or is sex optional? Why don't the wedding vows specify offering sex?

Seems there should be more shaming for withholding sex, like there is for looking at porn. Maybe spread the word around the ward that your spouse doesn't put out.

Sure you can get a divorce, but there are penalties to pay if you do. Which is why more and more are avoiding marriage and commitment. Of course, guys are shamed to "man up" and sacrifice for others, like their needs don't matter.

Last year a lady on another forum made the comment that sex was dirty and disgusting. Which made me wonder how many others felt that way. I did a search on "I hate sex" and came across this thread, which is a real eye opener.


http://forums.webmd.com/3/sex-and-relationships-exchange/forum/9407?pg=1



Lots of people discussing how they hate sex and shouldn't have to enjoy it. This post caught my eye:

"Thank you for this informed post. I agree that the majority of married women I talk to (privately) that they would be happy if they never had to have sex again. They go through the motions for their husbands and those that don't, get divorced."

I think that part of the problem is that Mormon men aren't taught to please women in any way. I was labeled a slut for wanting sex with my TBM ex, but he said I should love blow jobs and hand jobs (which would be fine with me of course but not if not reciprocated). He thought female pleasure was superfluous. Not necessary at all because they should only want to become moms.

I was in a sexless marriage and I am a woman. I was the good girl and waited to have sex with my TBM husband on our wedding night.

It was not his first time. He wanted to start our family during our first time and I asked him to wait. He thought it was wrong that I wanted to be on birth control for a year or two. I was very young and scared about being so new at sex.

There was never any lovemaking. Our couplings were merely moments for his satisfaction and to try to conceive. I would cry often by myself because I waited so long for that? He pushed the babymaking and I said that I did not want to have a family with him if there was no love between us...ie tender caring, loving and affection. Kissing, hand holding, and seeing how my pleasure could be explored.

Heaven forbid. I got labeled a nympho in later years, because I was actually interested in having sex with my husband. The one I saved myself for.

I his opinion, If we weren't focused on babymaking, then we didn't need to be trying so hard in the bedroom. He call orgasms gifts. It was clearly supposed to be my role as a wife to please him, but pleasing me was like a charity gift.

We did have children, but our marriage never grew and bonded. We never grew in emotional or sexual intimacy. One day he told me he never found me sexually attractive, he just wanted to marry a good woman, a virgin, and do what God wanted. Everything was about pleasing him, the church, and proving to his parents that he was not gay.

I tried to change his perspective on healthy sex in marriage. I tried all sorts of things to spice it up (I was raised with a healthy attitude on sex, I just chose to save it for one person...stupid, stupid, stupid.)

Lingerie, toys, massages, role play, etc. You know what it got me? I was labeled a nympho. He said he never wanted sex again with anyone since having kids was done. Yet, when we went into therapy before finally calling it quits..he complained that I never initiated sex. My exhusband is a classic narcissist by the way. He never allowed anyone to see him as anything other than a virile stud...and I became the frigid wife in his eyes. He kissed me ONLY for photos or in front of his parents.

I was painfully lonely. He started to abuse me verbally. Telling me that how without the church and him, I would be a slut and how the LDS church was helping me not give into my sins. Later he was the one to cheat on me...with a married woman. When I found out why he was doing it....he said he wasn't having sex with her, it was because she was a good woman married to a Non Member like him and he "felt for her" situation.

Later the abuse became physical. I found my breaking point and called it quits. Fast forward a few years and the first time I was with someone else (whom I was only dating) I went thru a myriad of emotions including breaking down and crying. I was touched and kissed in a way that I thought I would never experience again. I freaked my bf out at the time. We did not last very long.

Ive had a few serious relationships, which included sexuality without emotional connection. All of them without marriage. I do not think I ever want to be married again. Im scared that I will find myself trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage.

As hard as it is to admit this...I am involved with a married man right now. Sexless marriage for decades now. I am not going to defend my position in this relationship, but I see what having a sexless marriage has done to him. He cried the first time he kissed me. He was even more broken than I was in my marriage.

I have no desire for him to end his marriage. I am fine with the way things are. I don't need or desire "my own husband" ie public relationship/status. Yes he feels guilty. Yes I feel guilty I am part of this situation.

My point is this-when you withdraw all affection from the one person who committed to save that for only you...you break them. You really can not blame them for wanting that from someone else. Divorce sucks! But why would you want to marry someone who wants sex when you don't?

Crawling back under rock now.

I don't know exactly what to say, except that I'm so sorry you have been abused in such a humiliating way. You gave your all, and got abuse in return. You deserve to be loved and cherished and I don't feel inclined to judge you. Don't go under a rock!

I think it's very sad that our society has evolved in such a way as to make extramarital affairs so common. Contrary to popular belief, monogamy is a relatively new phenomenon; humans were originally far more polyamorous and there was no shame or disgust about it. But polyamory has been scorned for centuries now, to the point where anyone who lives in such a relationship is deemed "sinful" or "slutty." We've strayed too far from the natural order of things, IMO. Thankfully it's beginning to change.

And I fully expect to be flamed for this post, since ol' Joe's polygamy is such a trigger to so many people on this forum. Have at it.

I had a miserable sex life with my RM when we married. He had no sexual experience (I did). He was embarrassed, and told me I was a whore for wanting to touch him, give him oral, and show him what I found pleasurable.

Hubby #2 (never mo) and I have an active sex life even after 25 years of marriage. I would have a hard time staying in a marriage that included sex only 15 times in 30 years. I would probably stray if we couldn't work it out. After all, I am a pretty good dog but if you don't pet or play with me, I might get off of the porch! ;)