Old memories have been flooding me of the traumas I suffered over many years of being a Mormon. I am so embarrassed over my stupidity in this religion (running back to the same toxicity over and over, thinking it's going to be different this time) that I won't talk to my therapist about it. I'm very busy in therapy talking about my very abusive parents destroying my childhood and young adulthood. But such a childhood is why I ran into the arms of a toxic church in the first place. I actually thought they were going to help me! Instead they denigrated me for having such a bad attitude towards my wonderful, self-sacrificing mother (she was narcissistic). There was a reason why God chose to put me in my family in the first place. There was pre-existence...

I had originally sought out a Baptist church for help, where there was a pastoral counselor. I was 15 and was desperately in need of counseling. But my mother found out I was going there and soon grabbed the pastor's attentions for herself. I knew that she wanted nothing to do with Mormons, so I decided to try them next. Besides, they were right at my door.

They never gave me any counseling, but they did give lots of bad advice. Following some of that bad advice ruined my life. It took me 40 years to shake them off permanently. In my bad emotional state, I did become afraid that God would punish me for leaving his "only true church". I had read somewhere that once you have the light, you can't deny or leave that light or you will be right in the hands of Satan. And Satan will ruin your life!

Such fear seems so silly now. If I hadn't come from such a miserable background, I would not have been attracted to Mormonism and would not have been trapped in their clutches. Before the internet age, someone tried to enlighten me with anti-Mormon lit. They said it was documented! But I refused to have anything to do with it. It was Satanic! Now I realize how silly that was. I'm glad there is a big exodus going on now.

It was difficult but you did it and I'm proud of you.

You've taken a big step posting your story here. Tell it to the therapist if and when you're ready.

The past is done and the future looks bright.

Yes, the future is bright. But every now and then, I wake up with terrible memories. I almost left the church at thirty, but found myself snaggled back in again. "I'll make it all better this time". It never works that way. This time I know it's permanent, because I have no fear! And I have stayed away the longest. I have even found another church, though I'm holding off from joining for a while. I have to build trust slowly.

The Mormon church didn't try to make family ties stronger in my family. Cult leaders in my local ward did all in their power to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.

It's very deceptive in its outward appearance.

Toxic is an understatement for what I've been through with the local bastards.

^^^^

Yes, yes, this. Totally.

I know exactly what you're talking about I still get surprised what arises in my counseling sessions they drilled some shit deep in you without you knowing it.

Yes, and that's what makes it so difficult to leave permanently! But I finally did.

Yep I'm still battling but it's not as intense my problem these days is feeling like myself again and feeling like I'm a part of the world again.

Don't blame yourself for being 'sucked in' in the first place. We all know that tscc finds people at their most vulnerable.You were 15 and having a difficult time at home, so it's perfectly understandable.

The important thing is that you found your way to leave their toxic influence in your life. That is reason to celebrate you!

Do they really teach to prey on the vulnerable? If so then that's f*cked up. Like do they straight out teach that in the mission field go after the vulnerable?

They think those who are ill, bereaved, lonely, or financially needy will be likely to join or reactivate.

I was 39 years old, divorced less than a week after 17 years of an abusive marriage. The abusive ex had left me drowning in depression, so deeply that I was no longer functional. (I found myself at work one day, looking at a page of the operations manual, and it might as well have been written in Sanskrit. I couldn't decode letters. Me, one of the most ardent readers ever. My mind was THAT scrambled.) I so admitted myself to a local psych hospital, spent two months there, and came back better and a little bit stronger.

THEN, the husband told me I could have the divorce that I had wanted for YEARS, but that because I was now demonstrably "insane,", HE would have full custody of our son, and if I consulted an attorney, even once, he would see to it that my medical records were "released into public record." I didn't think he could do that, but I was still so emotionally fragile - and didn't dare consult an attorney - so I couldn't know for sure.

The real hell of it was that I could not understand why he wanted custody of our son, who was 11 at that time. Husband had refused to care for him in any way - never once changed a diaper, prepared a bottle, transported him to day care or to the doctor. I was essentially a single mom. So why the sudden interest??

DH the current explained to me: The ex didn't want to have to pay child support. Bingo. There it was. MONEY was the primary deity worshipped by the ex. He spent lavishly on lifestyle and girlfriend. He literally could not afford child support.

But at the time the mishies found me, I had just moved into a new place by myself, had not yet adopted the kittens who would become "foster children" for me, and was drowning in loneliness, guilt, and confusion. And my son had been taken from me when I had been I had been his only real parent.

The divorce judge - who knew me and my son from church - looked straight at me and asked, "Are all parties in agreement on this?" I couldn't return his direct look. I closed my eyes to keep from crying, and nodded. (Later, I would tell him and his wife - who was a good friend - the REAL story. He said that I should have advised him. My ex's attorney told me that I must not approach the judge directly if I did not have an attorney, so I had not dared.)

So this was the mess I was in when the mishies found me.

I had just gotten home from work on a nasty, rainy day, and had put a kettle on for tea, when there was a knock at the door. And there were these two adorable mishies.

I didn't need a new religion. I desperately needed human warmth and caring. Those mishies, appearing when they did, probably saved my life.

God damn it actually makes sense when I look back at certain things even I think I was targeted and retargeted when I was more vulnerable like after surgeries.

Yes!
I've even had missionaries tell me that their MP's told them to look for people in crisis.

After my family signed on, the missionaries of course asked us for names of other people they could teach. They told us that people who were having a hard time, divorce, death, loneliness, etc. were the best people to teach.

I remember feeling very uncomfortable with that.

Very interesting

I'm sure not all aspects of the LDS church was bad. It benefited you in many ways. Think about the things you are grateful from your experience as an LDS member and brush off the deceitful aspects of it. Other than that, I am glad you are making peace. You most certainly deserve it and you owe it to yourself.

Unless you are a mind reader. If it did have benefits, that's fine but those are no longer helping her, so it's good she's out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2017 05:45PM by Cheryl.

I do remember some good and helpful individuals along the way.

He's the perfect person to talk about this with as he gets it. One of the things he told me is "You and I tested mormonism to its very limits and it failed us."

I married someone gay on the advice of many leaders, but in reality, I married him for many other reasons. One was to get the damn leaders out of my life. They were extremely voyeuristic, etc., and they were destroying me.

I stuck it out all my life as I was raised that way no matter how horribly I was treated. I look back now and ask myself WHY!?!? I'll be 60 in a few months. I stayed in until age 38, though I was going inactive when I met my husband and I needed to save him.

My dad used to often ask me if I knew he was gay when I married him. I'd ignore his questioning. I was told NOT to tell my parents my future husband was gay. I should have. I finally told my dad that the leaders told me I had to save him. My dad was FURIOUS. He told me, "Gays are born that way." My dad, after that, started telling me all his problems with the lds church. He died less than a year after that conversation, as did my mother.

My ex often tells our TBM daughter, "Your mother was never happy as a mormon." I didn't realize it until he told me. I'm just so glad to be out. I went inactive over 20 years ago and I did go back to a few meetings, but never went back to full activity. It has been years since I went to a church meeting.

My therapist has been INVALUABLE in helping me deal with my issues with toxicity from mormonism.

I think that learning how to trust your own opinion is a valuable skill in life. I listen to religious and spiritual leaders, but then I make up my own mind. I also feel free to change my mind as I gather new information over time.

It is a heathy thing to distance yourself from toxic people and toxic associations. You are moving in a good direction.

In those early years, the LDS leaders in my ward treated me like like I was sinful and morally wanting when I moved away from my toxic mother. The BP believed that mothers were sacred above all else in life and you weren't supposed to leave except to get married. He was along in years, but still he should have known that the 70's weren't the same as the 19th century. He set the stage for a lot of depression and anxiety that came to me from fearing that God disapproved of me for not staying with an abusive and narcissistic parent. I should have left the church right at that point.

Brigid, my mom sounds a lot like your mom. We came of age during the same era.

I'd go to my church leaders to express how unfit she was (after my parents divorce and I was stuck living with her, not that my dad was much better.)

They would tell me everything was fine, and my place was right there where I was. They didn't see the Jekyll and Hyde side of my mom that I knew.

Within months I was homeless in Ogden. If not for an aunt and uncle who sponsored me to finish high school in Palo Alto, don't know what might have befallen me.

Meanwhile, mom had moved in with her jack Mormon boyfriend. They shacked up for a few years before getting hitched in Vegas. She did a complete 180 degree switcharoo on her temple vows.

After she died, her eccentric looney husband would call me and ramble on and on about their lives together. I let him talk because it was the only time he had really opened up to me. He told me how Jekyll and Hyde my mom was with him. I smiled knowingly, because you'd have to live with her up close and personal to be able to discern that.

No one from the cult had the foresight to see what hell she subjected her own children to.

Yet, I loved her. Even after separating from there. I tried to maintain contact over the years. When I became an adult I finally got to where I could accept her for her shortcomings and human flaws. They were many. We actually became better friends after I became more accepting of mom, than when was younger. I even felt sorry for her because she was consigned to a bad marriage out of fear. She was afraid to live on her own, that she'd end up in a welfare hotel or something akin to that.

So she stayed with her man who was as nutty as mom was. And somehow despite her excuses she really loved him in her way. May she R.I.P. I miss her every day.

Unfortunately, my mother's behavior got even worse and I had to keep my kids away from her. There was never reconciliation. But Mormons have a way of making you feel like you can "fix" it, that somehow it's your fault after all.

"I had read somewhere that once you have the light, you can't deny or leave that light or you will be right in the hands of Satan. And Satan will ruin your life!"

I think Joseph Smith said this while he was humping another man's wife. Or maybe it was Brigham Young while he was genociding the Timpanogas people.

Yeah, what light? Filthy lies is the best they've got.

You are not here to "live the gospel". You're here to treat yourself like a human being.