I come from a large family (12 children) so you can imagine the circus that was everyday. Anyway, we all were expected to help with the household chores. Even my Dad (who was the bishop for most of my teenage years) helped when he could. I learned how to do the dishes, mop floors, clean the bathrooms appropriately, do the laundry...

Anyway, my wife and I clean the house together. We don't keep track of who does more because sometimes one of us has less time available from other responsibilities. I have learned quite unintentionally that there are some men in our neighborhood (which is mostly LDS) who don't help at all with household chores. It disgusts me that in 2017 there are still some men who won't condescend to help around the house.

Men: Do you help with household chores?

Women: Does your husband help with household chores?

I have an aunt who married a man from Jordon. I stayed at their house once, and what an experience that was. I was watching a movie when I heard my aunt wanted help taking the trash out. I instinctively stood up to go help when, to my surprise, my uncle came over and asked if I liked the movie. I replied that I did, at which point he insisted that I stay and watch the movie while my sister and cousin (girl) took the trash out. I felt so uncomfortable that to this day I insist on doing my part with all chores. Besides that, my wife would throw a fit if I made her do all the chores.

So many variables, which spouse did house hold work interChangeably based on who had which Work schedules , lay offs , shift changes , travel time to work, length of commute, strength vs illness , recovery , coaching sports , or coaching academic teams, chauffeured drs apts biopsies , taught night school, had second job ,

Caring for home and kids between surgeries and health scares raising our family became frenzied keeping insurance and work contracts. Ultimately husbands engineered logical spatial awareness and routine utilization of power tools created flow ... flow along routine routes whether it was clothes placement, or special study station pre ,a,p testing. He always built a path or a pantry, or a closet dedicated to something somebody needed. So he applied his skills to me and our family. It was obvious obviously. even when he may not have expressed hysterical empathy say between wrestling coaching sessions, he demonstrated that he was "in" caring not apathy despite service in the community. For instance he might nap passed out flat on his back on the beige living room carpet when we had children doing homework. If they had a question he would wake up politely. If he falls asleep after work he's always slumped back legs akimbo with his face pointed across the room so he can ,"hear" speech read . Now that's comforting and motivating I think it showed our children how deeply their father cared about them and to never ever give up. Why I recall the entire family searched for his hearing aide when it turns out a mouse had carried it away. (It was after the young merit scholar was secretly rescuing mice off her dads carefully set sticky traps and releasing them underneath the living room piano)

Some outdoors chores have always been beyond me, for instance the time the ground squirrels dug holes and lived under our driveway and garage then at the edge of a field...

Except we needed to learn places for everything, especially when interchanging roles or chores with flowing roles, for instance to be agreed on where kitchenware is...


Except always deferring respectfully to team ----- individual members agreed upon great strengths, no competition. Hes great using his breadnan bread machine but won't make cinnamon rolls unless I set the parts up. He's pretty awful on the sewing machine but mend he will. He repairs rebuilds sewing machines for me basically but suffered recently sewing on our ancient light industrial 2300 stitch a minute steering unsteadily on a rolled hem unpinned straight seam on a checker jacquard table cloth. ;) suddenly he had a new respect. Sharing chores jobs roles meant wondering and wandering between comprehending the others skills. I prefer bulk buying identical pattern style size socks to avoid sorting while he has attention to detail and persistence for instance, He darns socks with a needle and thread. However he won't crochet or knit with me. He will try to participate in any leather project I start he's great at riviting hardware on bags... hes vacuumed but never swept, done laundry but rarely sorted loads, he's ironed everyone's clothes. He puts clothes on hangers whenever he meets a stack of giean clothes but rarely puts them into closets. ..he hangs clothes on hangers on doors near rooms closets they belong in. It somehow on the route. He grills the best steaks I always hand him the red meat or better yet request he select it himself as I'm driving home Friday's and give him my estimated arrival time. He grates great cheese instantly magic chef hands strength no matter what. He always makes one great weekend breakfast he's a tremendous weekend morning short order chef visiting grand kids or at home. He's never opened a can of chili, soup, peppers or cooked anything out of a can... he's more of a salad bag from the market meat fried eggs bacon and pancake kinda cook. Coffee he grinds great coffee.

He has never ever stewed stew made any flavor of home made soup made a pie from scratch made frosting ... he buys French bread he never bakes french bread he bakes breadnan machine white bread instead. He rarely makes his favorite food which is rice. He likes my rice.

I hesitate to state or imagine any part of house care my husband hadn't taken on routinely somehow along since 198- I hesitate to imagine ah there's one part of household care he's never ever given up regardless of when I had fewer work hours ...changing the ceiling air filter with the metal hinged grate that swings down and is like to hit you in the face. I clean the kitchen , floors, rest rooms and do laundry now I am home full time but he changes the air filter... rivets leather, rebuilds sewing machines, makes a great weekend breakfast, grills great steak...

Sadly for me if a virtuous wife or one deserving of appreciation must do all of the household chores throughout a marriage simultaneously with contracted salaried full time work outside that home then I have been a wretchedly unvirtuous wife, find it amazing how being a valued member of a team feels and how sharing everything neither limited me nor made me , less valued.

I enjoy serving my spouse coffee. My husband enjoys grinding coffee and serving me coffee in bed. Years ago I enjoyed serving my husband steak dinner and soda while he was bathing ,( you know some people read in a long leisurely bath wasn't there a movie with food served at toman baths or something,?)

I still like sewing duvets and blankets more than folding them. He still likes draping blankets. And folding a blanket across an Otto an or end of the couch. But it's both about the blankets who really cares who sews who drapes or folds Blankets... he's always trying to tuck a blanket around my back near some scar like he got when a tree caught his grapple cat . And I'm always pulling a blanket back across his scarred back with room for his feet to move uncovered.

I AM household chores. Who do you think mops the hardwood, vacuums upstairs, does the toilets, cuts the grass, cooks the food? Don't say "Your wife?," because I'll beat you silly with my Hand-vac.

Yes, I help with the housework. Do you fix leaking toilets, replace the baseboards that the guinea pig ate, build shelves in the garage for the kids' sports equipment...?

I am a feminist. I am male. I also believe in recognition of men as equal partners in a marriage.

I live alone so yes. I wash, wax and detail my car. I mow the grass, pull the weeds, trim the hedges and trees. I fix leaky toilets. I couldn't find the right size vent covers, so I made some with a miter saw and some crown moulding. I made a couple tables in my house. I refinish furniture.

My dad wouldn't let me get my driver's license until I demonstrated that I could change a tire by myself, replace all the fluids, and could steer out of a skid on ice. There were no gendered chores in our house. When the inside housework is done, go outside and get to work on that stuff.

Most of our actual cleaning is done during the day when I'm not home by a cleaning service we pay to take care of it for us, but I do the dishes, tidy up after the babies, and help with child care when I'm home.

Every relationship is different.

One thing I have noticed however...

It's not enough that a man does half of the chores, it's only enough when he does half of "her" chores when she is present after he's done with his.

Thus, a man must do his 50% of the chores, then do 25% of hers when she is present to witness it... that's part of the key to a happy marriage.

If you don't like it men, then too bad. Cowboy up and take it like a man.

So men, plan on doing your half, then helping her with her half... it's just the way it is.

I was a work-at-home "househusband" for a number of years. When our now 2 year-old was born, my wife went to her job, and I took care of the baby, did all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. In addition to actually working at home.

After 25 years, we've got a nice settled routine that's very flexible. We both cook (we both like to), we both clean, we both do yard work, we both do laundry. The kid takes out the trash :)

My husband works and is in school right now, while I stay home with the kids. Since I'm home all day, I definitely do a majority of the household chores and yard work, (which I think I should), but he's the cook and is always more than willing to help with the kids and other chores. I actually prefer that he doesn't help with some things, cause it's never done as good as I would do.
I am proud of him though, cause when we go to have dinner at his parent's house, he almost always helps clean up after, while his other brothers just bounce. I told him we need to be better about teaching our boys to help out, cause I don't want them ending up like his brothers.
I think in these days, chores shouldn't be gender based. In a lot of households, both parents work, so both should have to help with the chores.

We've also been pretty flexible. My husband can fry eggs, make rice, and is great with BBQ. I love to cook and I've always made our dinners from scratch. He also does home projects himself and I help him. Guaranteed that no other female in our neighborhood has ever handled a pick axe, but I have; especially when we replaced our front and back sod twice now because our next door neighbors insist on spreading the wealth with their weed farm! We have replaced our fencing ourselves, and our two youngest kids wanted to help us when we replaced our roof, so they went up on the roof and removed the old shingles-we didn't ask them to help; they just wanted to do it. My husband went to Home Depot and listened to his friend who works there for 2 hours on how to replace a deck. He came home, and he, our son-in-law, and myself knocked out the old deck and replaced it stairs and all in 2 days. This is large deck that goes from one end of the house to the other. Lots of projects and this while both of us working full-time, and also for a time when my husband was finishing up his schooling, in his forties, and raising 4 kids. We both take out the garbage, and do laundry. Recently we hired someone to mow our lawn twice/month.

No. If you live in a house, you are not HELPing with chores. This is like saying that dads are babysitting when they are caring for their children.

If you have to be told or asked to care for your home and do the chores, then you are still not a responsible adult. Nobody "helps" with the chores. You just do them. Because adults take care of their homes and yards and cars.

I will fight you over this. Come at me.

+ a billion. Never been put better.

Especially thank you for saying this: "This is like saying that dads are babysitting when they are caring for their children."

I agree, Dogzilla.

Please don't fight me ;-)

yep

My husband doesn't do household chores. The only bathroom he's ever cleaned is the church bathroom.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, and 99% of the yard work. There have been many disagreements about this over the years. It drives me batty that he can walk by a full garbage can a dozen times and never think he should take it out. He makes the bed a couple of times a year, but it takes everything that I have not to remake it because it looks like a three-year-old made it.

In fairness, my husband grew up in a messy house and never learned to clean. A disorganized, messy house doesn't bother him at all. He also has a stressful job and often works a lot of hours and I'm a SAHM. I feel like I should do more work around the house just because I'm there more, but an offer of help would be nice once in a while.

Are you kidding?

I did all the yard work, until we finally got a gardener.

I did all the inside housework, even though I had a part-time job 3-days a week (3:00pm-midnight, plus the drive home at that hour, and even when worked later). Not that this schedule bothered me.

I chose the p.m job so when my husband got home from work he could watch the kids and we would only need to pay a sitter from 3:00-6:00pm.-ish.

Big deal, he had to get dinner on those three days (which didn't make me feel bad). Canned or frozen stuff works swell when needed.

Those were the days when women did the household work, regardless...(at least in my family). I was naive to take all this on myself.

Childcare, and house work, and ironing, and yard work are no problem--when someone else is doing it all.
Finally acknowledging this now, makes me--delayed--angry now.

On the other end of this spectrum, I still work full-time, come home agitated, and always find DW half laying, half sitting in her dent on the couch, reading. She reads, and reads, and reads some more. She is incredibly well-read, to be sure, and spends hours in the library. I cannot compete with that. When I don't find her reading, I find her asleep with an open book on her chest. But often, she has her hair up in rollers. And sometimes she sees or hears me drive up, and when I come in, I see her moving around in a blur, taking her hair down, moving a rag around, pretending that she's been doing stuff. But she knows that I know that she has done nothing but read all day long. The new rule is that she does all the shopping and cooking now. There is no reason for me to do anything when I come home, because she's had the entire day to herself. I've also quit doing laundry, which is like the easiest job in the world, and she has plenty of time to wash, dry, and fold. One should be ashamed to have laundry in the hamper all day in this brave new world of automatic washers and driers.

What a silly idea to suggest that we could ever possibly have time to do household chores? There are so many church-related responsibilities to fulfill which makes it impossible to ever seriously think about doing household chores. What works best, even in your typical small Mormon family of just 8-10 children not yet teenagers, is to hire a maid to clean the house while we go clean the temples and chapels so Heavenly Father can save money on hiring janitors. This makes it possible for the Brethren to have bigger bank accounts to build the Kingdom :)

Help with chores? [I create the work so I must (sometimes) clean up before I play (I've sometimes even referred to [my] work as play - its all in how you look at it)]

It all depends on many things. Who spends time in the house? Who is able to do what? What are each inhabitant's fortes, talents, etc.? What do those who go away - and come back - bring back to benefit others? What else others are doing (to benefit others) at home: working at home, taking care of animals/ children/ others, art, crafts, hobbies, home improvements, gardening, reading, learning/ schooling, playing music for others enjoyment, decorating/ beautifying/ straightening up, etc. or laying around/ being lazy, etc.?

When people love (like?) each other they will do many things to show it [or not]. Not sit around when another is/ others are WORKING.

agree with Dogzilla, there are things to be done, just do them, whoever has the energy/interest goes first, usually it evens out over time, but, yeah, you don't babysit your own kids, and you don't 'help' out around your own house.

My brother is old school: A women's work is in the home. It drives me crazy when I visit him to see him lounging on the couch while his wife waits on him and her kids.

I recently visited him and went on a three day driving trip with him, his wife and daughter. When we returned home, my brother went straight for the couch to take a nap. The teenaged daughter went straight to her computer. My sister-in-law was left to haul in the luggage, cooler, etc. She recently had shoulder surgery after injuring herself doing heavy lifting (laundry) and housework. I helped her unload the car - she told me not to help but I did anyway. She then made her teenaged daughter a sandwich, tiptoed into her room so as not to disturb her, and placed it gently on her bedside table - like a servant.

I blame the mother for waiting on the family from the beginning of their marriage. She acts like everyone's servant. When her children were young, she'd bring them their breakfast to their bedrooms and rub their backs while they ate in bed. She was docile, subservient, obedient, and spoke with the Mormon child voice - the perfect TBM wife.

To be fair, she loves taking care of everyone. My brother has gotten used to being waited on and isn't about to start helping out. They have a good marriage with nice children. I guess that's all that matters, until the poor wife is worn out and someone will need to take care of her. They won't know what to do.

He'll have a hard time replacing her when she's worn out and of no use.

Men: do you help with household chores? Hmm. so you admit that household chores are not a man's job?

Absolutely!!! DW and I are getting older and we help each other out of love and respect.

My husband and I both have health issues that make it difficult. We do what we can and share the work.

He does most of the cooking because he is a wonderful cook. Me... not so much.

His mother taught him well. She said, in her Bronx accent: "Ya wife is not ya servant!" I love and miss her.

I, however, do all the computer maintenance and repair. I built our last two desktops. It was fun.

Way more fun than cooking! As a TY for the computer he made me his super-yummity-yum baked chicken!

I don't "help" with household chores. I perform the majority of them. I do laundry (all of it), vacuum floors, mow, take out the garbage bins, make the bed, manage the finanaces, care for the cars, do all utility repairs and maintenance, etc. My wife and I both have full-time careers and I make just slightly more money per year than she does.

i grew up on the traditional patriarchal household where my father did almost nothing around the house, and worked full time. My mother had a part time job but cared for everything household related.


The idea that I will likely die first and my wife is more than capable of doing everything I do, and vice versa is truly empowering for both of us. We are interdependent, and not co-dependent. Our flourishing marriage reflects, at least for us, how well this works.

HH =)

While working my job, I used to occasionally pop in at home for something, and would find my wife in the craft room with several church friends fooling around. Somehow nobody complains about that, and why she wasn't out "helping" me earn a living. When I suggested she did that, boy did she get mad. The kids were in school and older.

Then I recall one weekend I was working overtime while she took the kids to go see her mom to play around. She came home and I had not done the dishes. She sat me down and said maybe we should get divorced, because it was obvious by the dirty house that I didn't care about her. I told her she could leave, but she changed her mind.

Anyway, I get tired of women being perpetual victims and being supposedly short-changed on everything. Guess we should keep score on everything - dollars earned, temperature outside and calories burned while mowing the grass or out farming or logging or doing construction vs inside doing dishes, etc, etc, and make sure nobody is victimized. Make sure all suffering is exactly equal.

Ironic you say that Free Man, because you always sound like you think you're the victim. I mean, every single post is about how women are awful and how you're forced to suffer them. Constantly.

Why do you continue to let her victimize you, NotSoFreeMan?

For a minute, I thought you meant me. LOL

Then I realized you asked a very good question that's been on my mind for a while now. We teach people how to treat us. If you put up with controlling or manipulative behavior from people, they will learn that you'll accept that. That becomes the normal in the relationship.

Oh, now I see how that could have been misunderstood. I meant why does Freeman continue to allow his wife (and seemingly all women in his life) to victimize him? It's a consistent theme is his posts.

Perhaps that way he has something other than politics to rant about?
I'm just guessing...

Yes.....

I can cook, clean, and bring home the bacon.

I was a SAHM. I planned on heading to the work world when I turned 40. Nature had other ideas.

So, I've been home tending to the majority of the home and garden things while hubby climbed the corporate ladder. He's going to retire in a year.

He's in for some big surprises. I've been trying to gently break him in, but I still think he's going to be shocked at just how much I do.

Things I expect him to start doing once he's home every day.

Get up and make coffee and a small breakfast(i'm AM impaired:)
Do at least half the cooking and shopping. How this will be divided has yet to be worked out.
Either hire a house keeper, or learn how to REALLY clean. He's great at picking up after himself. I couldn't ask for better. But when it comes to actually cleaning dirt, he suddenly goes blind.
I've always done the majority of yard work because I love it. He's always done the mowing and edging. I'm to the point where I can't do what I've always done. He's either going to have to pitch in, or hire help.

Our house is relatively new so there hasn't been a ton of maintenance issues. That will be changing at about the 10 year mark. He's going to have to be more involved in how we're going to make this all happen.

We have ton of things we're going to have to work through. We've been married for almost 30 years, but have never really lived together on a daily basis. It will be interesting to see how it will all work out.

I have great hope for him :) One thing I know about him is that he's totally capable of doing it all. Willing? We will see.

"Things I expect him to start doing once he's home every day."

What if he's been working a lot more than you for all of these years? It could happen.

Does he get a break? Or he has to jump in and carry half the load?

I'll give a bit of a break. I'm not that mean :)

His first year will probably be spent fishing and playing around with his vintage car, and taking a cooking class or two.

I have told him he's going to have to eventually do half the cooking and cleaning. I have a lot of physical issues, and its difficult to take care of just myself sometimes.

I'm not too worried that he's working too hard with his job. Especially the last 15 years. His job has mostly been dining at the best places and entertaining customers on fishing trips and the golf course. He's been quite spoiled and i'm sure he's going to miss all of the fun things he's been doing. Not that he still can't, just not in the style he's become accustomed to. Going first class and staying at the Ritz Carlton won't be in the budget.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2017 06:04PM by janis.

You seem to have extremely vengeful, passive-aggressive feelings toward him, and no respect for what he's been doing to support you both for all of these years in the style to which you've become accustomed.

Feel better -- the statistics suggest he'll kick the bucket years before you do, and you won't need to tolerate his presence around your home.

Being gay, both the men do household chores.

I am gay, so there is not much choice for men not to do the chores.

Yes. Always have. Been cooking for 40+ years. I was farming and my wife was working in the city so I cooked and cleaned.

We both help as we can depending on time and circumstances.

This mindset of men 'helping' with household chores irritates me no end. Do you eat the food? Then why is it 'helping' for you to do the dishes? Do you wear the clothes? Then why is it 'helping' for you to do the laundry? Do you walk on the floor? Then why is it 'helping' for you to sweep? This whole idea of household chores being a woman's responsibility and any contribution a man makes being helping out of the goodness of his heart seems to me to harken back-to the 1950s.

He did not help with household chores. After he retired and was still farming, he bought him a bar stool he could lean on to do dishes (they didn't have a dishwasher and he had bad knees) and started helping around the house.

When the setup is like this--everybody works their ass off. My mother also helped on the farm, hoeing beets, hauling hay, hauling potatoes and picking up potatoes. The list goes on and on.

We would work on the farm and then go home to a list of chores around the house.

I work full time plus right now. I used to clean my boyfriend's house, too, besides mine. I mow my lawn and do the yard work. I do a lot of yard work at my boyfriend's, too. I've had to give up doing all this as I just don't have the energy. I had shingles for a year and it has taken a toll. If my boyfriend's house gets cleaned, it is me who does it. His daughter came to visit and cleaned it and told him to get a housekeeper.

I just hired the 2 kids next door to mow my front lawn. I enjoy mowing lawn, so I'll keep the back to myself.

Yes. It's our home. She works in the yard with me, too. We consider it to be bonding. I enjoy my wife's company, love and respect her. She's my best friend. No one keeps score. We just do what has to be done. I cherish her wisdom and I get to hear it often when we are working. Then we go fishing together or just sit and talk next to the backyard creek or fire ring. Why be married to anyone who isn't your best friend?

Didn't learn it from my dad. Instinct told me. Was married before. She couldn't grasp the concept of best friends. She left. Awesome. Did I mention that I love my wife????...

And intimacy is truly intimate...

My husband usually takes out the trash. I'm mainly a housewife, so he takes care of me and I take care of all cooking, cleaning, bill paying,and errands. I wouldn't expect my husband to do any housework unless I worked full time,

Yes.

I am single so there is not much choice but to do all the chores myself.

I lived alone for all of my adult life except college roommates and five years of marriage. That would be 53 years. So, yeah, I "help" with household chores.

Apparently some of you object to my using the word "help" in the OP. Sorry. I don't think of that word as condescending in any way. My wife and I help each other. We both own the responsibilities.

Treat all your servants equally and give them an hour off every other Sunday.

I am a household chore... and the help... and I'm single [vs. double], but even then. I clean (and dirty), design, build, cook, decorate, beautify and live in the home and see little, if any, difference between a man or woman's chores when there is love - I mean life - in (and around) the home.

M@t