I don't know if this is a feeling that only a large Mormon family member can appreciate, or anyone from a large family understands, but here goes....

My mother is elderly but her mind and memory work great. I'm ashamed to say I blew up at her today. It's the firs time I've done this in my entire life. Here's the story.

I'm the youngest in my family. I'm the youngest child, youngest cousin. I've been called "the baby" since I was old enough to breath outside the womb. For this reason I had to wear the hand-me-downs of my older siblings and cousins year after year after year and since my grandmother would make matching outfits it made me look to my school friends like I never got new clothes, ever. Even to this day my mother gives me her castoffs which are usually very nice things. I appreciate Mom thinking of me first. I refuse to take things from my sisters any more even though they always offer things. Here's the rub.

My mother and sister's see me wearing one of their old pieces of clothing and in public and announce for all to hear "Isn't that my old coat, shirt, dress, etc?"

I'm not wealthy and I've always appreciated getting nice clothes for no money from them because we are basically the same size and these things fit me nicely but I've had it. I feel ashamed that I'm wearing their old clothes and that the people who give them to me humiliate me in public when they see me wearing them. If they could just say, "That shirt looks so nice on you" I would happily say in return, "Yes, I agree. It's the one you gave me and I love it." But NOOOOOO. They have to point at me and always ask if it is something they used to have and gave to me. I feel like an idiot. I've asked them privately not to do this when we are in public because it embarrasses me and they deny doing it. I've decided, FINALLY, that I'd rather go around in rags than take one more charity item from my family and then get my nose rubbed in it later. I'm going through all my clothes tonight and giving away everything I did not buy for myself. You are probably saying, "About time".

Am I an ungrateful jerk or just an overly sensitive nut?

Signed: Taking back my dignity

You are not an ungrateful jerk and you are not an overly sensitive nut.

But if this situation is truly bothering you, there is only one solution: Stop wearing hand-me-downs.

I myself am a younger member of a very large family.

My wardrobe was hand-me-downs, hand-me-downs and more hand-me-downs.

Now I refuse to wear anything that I didn't buy new, just for me.

Don't have many clothes, but I love the feeling that no one but me has lived in these clothes.

If the clothes you are wearing make you feel ashamed, you are wearing the wrong clothes.

It's not about the clothes; it's about the power they think that the clothes carry to disrepect your wishes.

If the clothes aren't there, they'll find some other way to demean you. Test it. Box the clothes up, deny them the opportunity. They will pick on something else.

After that, rationality demands that you keep the clothes and ditch those who refuse to respect your wishes.

I think you would see that the clothes were never "free." They came with a huge price-tag to your self-esteem. They use the clothes to maintain superiority over you.

The clothes make you feel good, the people do not. Why throw away the clothes? It will have no effect on the people. Keeping and wearing the clothes without them around will remind you of your victory - your ability to grow beyond keeping toxic people in your life.



And, I'm unsure why you would want to exclude men from responding, even if you could. There are very fine men here, and many of them bat it out of the park when asked to help, "female" situation or not. They love, understand and listen to women. To try to shut them out is only hurting your chances for great opinions and advice.

I don't think I realized until today just how much this bothers me. It sort of came to a head all at once. I told my mother before that I didn't like her always pointing out everything she gave me second hand when I was wearing it but she just cannot resist. Her life now basically revolves around her wardrobe. She has nothing much else to do with herself at her age. I know she didn't mean anything by the comment but I've just got to accept that she and my sisters aren't hearing me. This will greatly reduce my nicer pieces of clothing because Mom has great taste and buys quality things I just cannot afford. But I refuse to confront her on this again. I'm just going to wear clothes I've purchased myself. I feel so strongly about this I doubt I'll even wear anything they might give me new as a gift for birthday or Christmas. They've basically ruined any joy I ever got out of their gifts of clothing.

I should have mentioned this -

If you are getting rid of the clothes, give them to a women's shelter. Abused women often arrive with nothing to their name, and need to get a job, go to court, etc. Something nice to wear can make a huge difference to them, and you can feel good about it.

Maybe you can not wear them qhen your family is around.

This is usually what I do but today I was wearing a shirt that Mom has commented on so many times by saying "Isn't that one of my old shirts?" that I thought she would give it a miss today. How many times does she have to ask this when I nicely requested she not do it? If she had dementia or early signs of age related memory loss I'd probably let it go but my mother has a mind like a steel trap. She remembers names, dates, and numbers better than I do. She probably remembers the very day she bought the shirt as well as the store clerk that helped her! If she can remember all that, why does she have to ask? And if she can remember all that, why can't she remember my simple repeated request that she not keep rubbing my nose it the fact that I'm wearing her hand-me-downs?

I like the advice from JustEve. I think my sister truly is exerting power. With Mom I think she just wants to be thanked over and over and over so she can be certain I'm truly grateful for all she does for me. I am grateful but how many times does it have to be said? And why do I have to grovel in front of others? Isn't it enough to grovel just to her?

When I got mad at her I pointed out that she couldn't possibly understand my feelings as she is the oldest in her family and has never in her life had to wear somebody else's castoffs. She admitted that I was right about that and she could not understand how I felt. That was something anyway. Then I pointed to every item of clothing I was wearing, including my underwear and bra, and told her that they were all things I had purchased for myself so she didn't have to ask. I then told her I wouldn't be wearing any more of her castoffs since she could not refrain from commenting on every item I wore every time I wore it. She still didn't get it.

This thanking and rethanking-- in my head I often say, I can't thank you enough...can I?!

Good one Dorothy!
Repetitious questions are seldom a sign of anything good.
Herewith, some effective responses:

"oh no - did you forget what I told you last time you asked?
Maybe we should write down your question and my answer so it doesn't make you feel so anxious you have to ask it again and again!"

"Oh dear, we've discussed this so often. If you're having memory issues I'd be happy to make a neurology appointment for you"

"we just discussed this recently. Do you remember what I said?
(Usually the socially inept person will indicate they do).
You then say "if you remember what I told you then, what good reason is there to ask me again?"

Don't let the presence of spectators cause you to lose confidence during these exchanges. Address the audience directly with comments such as: "I've thanked her so often for the lovely clothes, yet she still brings it up" - said with expression of bemusement

This sounds like a "FIRST WORLD PROBLEM"


You like the clothing, they are quality items and of good use to you - I would think, then, it's worth it to you to swallow your pride and accept them with a spirit of love and gratitude.

When your mother and sisters point out the clothing items you are wearing, simply gush out an overt, gracious "thank you, I love this outfit you gave me!" They will feel that their efforts are truly appreciated. They will, likely, give you even more!

Have a gratitude attitude!

I have always accepted my family's gifts with a spirit of gratitude and I am truly grateful. I also recognize there are many, many people in the world that have next to nothing to wear. But even the poorest of the poor, once they are removed from their grinding poverty, would probably prefer not to be reminded regularly of their indebtedness to others. This is why I am thinking of donating these nice things to others who have so much less than I. I also plan on donating them with no strings attached. Nobody needs to thank me. They are gifts of love and even if I knew for certain that someone was wearing an item I donated I would rather eat dirt than force that person to acknowledge that they were a recipient of my charity.

I have received my gifts with a grateful and loving heart but I question whether they were GIVEN with a loving spirit. I propose they were more likely given by those who are in need of constant reassurance of what good and wonderful people they are. Neediness gets wearisome after awhile. Time for me to let others partake of the joy in receiving these gifts. My gifts are without strings and without a need to be praised and adored forever, and ever, and ever....... Swallowing one's pride is not so bad the first time but being forced to do it repeatedly for the same gift makes the gift much less of a gift and eventually more of a burden.

Are you sure your real name isn't Pollyanna?
Do you have any familiarity with how annoying others find the Pollyanna personality?

Telling DM she's at fault due to insufficient gratitude for her family's social ineptitude and unkindness is not helpful.

Daisy Mae, You are missing the bigger picture here. You have your mom still. Mine has been gone 21 years. Life is toooo short to squibble with your elderly mom. Let her say what she wants and go on with life. You might be a little sensitive about the clothes. Enjoy every minute with your mom while you still have her. Some day you will miss her digs about clothes. When shes gone, that's it! Enjoy the clothes. I miss my mom everyday, still.

Very true, cutekitty. I lost my mother just last month. I miss her terribly!

I am sorry you lost the mothers you loved so much. I lost mine too, in fact all of my nuclear family has died, and I miss them terribly.
And none of my loss or yours makes it okay for Daisy Mae's family to make hurtful comments after she has asked them not to.

Here's another suggestion for handling the adult bullying her
family's been dishing out:


Each time she accepts nice clothing and thanks them for it, she should then say "do you think we've discussed this enough? Because if I hear any more about it I will donate it the battered women's charity. It's not worth spending our precious time together saying the same thing over and over."

I like the comment about: "gushing over" all the neat clothes you acquired without spending a penny! There is a whole new level of power when we are grateful and thankful and appreciative.
And the best part? They feel good, you feel good and everyone is doing someone nice for someone else.

Secondly, I could not ever imagine getting even remotely upset at my mother when she was older. Not a chance. I can only have imaginary talks with my mom as she has been gone since May of 1984.

Oh, and I was the oldest but I did not have "new" clothes very often. I remember standing in my panties and undershirt to have a hand-me-down dress fitted to me! Also, my maternal grandmother often made clothes for me. There was no such thing as Brand name clothes or a certain kind of jeans that "everyone" wore.
Yes, I know. Different times.

I can't stress enough how much more enjoyable life has become since I began remembering an "attitude of gratitude."

Try it. You might like it! :-)

Guess you haven't been reading my replies. I love my mother and the rest of my family very dearly. I'm a little hurt that so many of you are assuming that I do not love them and am not appreciative of their gifts and have not already repeatedly expressed that gratitude. And I will, most certainly, miss my mother when she is gone. But I'm sorry. I will NOT miss the digs. I'm just getting a bit worn down with the number of times I must show my appreciation and that I must do it in front of complete strangers. If it's prideful of me to get weary of repeating this ritual over and over then I plead guilty. I'm glad there is a special place in heaven for those of you who have so much more humility than I. Shame on me. You are obviously much more saintly people than I. Guess I'll be in that lower kingdom shining your shoes.

I just couldn't leave this thread without supporting you, Daisy Mae! I think you have thought this through very carefully, and should be admired for having the emotional strength at this point to do so. There are VERY hidden motives by your sisters and your mother. You have identified the ones regarding your mother, but not so much the rest of your family. You have been and are being emotionally abused. At some level they know they are humiliating you, and you will be so much happier without continuing to receive these "gifts". You are the "baby" of the family, and as the mother of 7 myself, I have watched the dynamics with my youngest child and his older siblings. Nothing like this, but my guess is that your mother has dominated all of you, and your older sisters can't stand up to her, so you get the brunt of their frustration, and yes (shock!) negative feelings about your mother. I support your decision totally and think you are on your way to feeling much better about yourself. Reaching across the web to give you a big hug and wish you all the strength you will need to stand up to the other ways they can find to make you feel "less than". Don't expect them to "go away" quietly. Usually when a family dynamic changes at the strong "line in the sand" finally drawn by one of them, the actions get even more oppressive for awhile. That is a well-known psychological principle. Don't give in when that happens. Memorize a couple of statements that you can fall back on when the pressure or put-downs get obnoxious. You were strong to even talk about this here.

DaisyMae
WHOA..hold up....
I read every single word. It is not about who loves whom, or the most, or who got what and why and when, or about humility or shame, or saintly, not at all. Don't know about some lower kingdom either.

I don't know where you got those ideas from, but they were not from me. I do know this: they won't bring you any peace or happiness or joy though! :-)

I'm talking about taking a completely different tactic.
I'm suggesting a different attitude. One of appreciation and gratitude. That's all. It will change everything.
When you change your attitude, a lot will change with it.

It's up to you. You choose how you are going to deal with your loved ones. If you want to think about doing things differently, it's possible. Depends on you and what you want.

Best wishes.

My mom didn't give me clothes, take me clothes shopping but rarely, and I didn't have sisters to give me their hand me downs. If not for some cousins who lived nearby who gave me some of their hand me downs occasionally, I would've been more poorly dressed than I was.

Being the only girl in the family you'd think I'd have been spoiled rotten. My brothers were mama's boys. I was a daddy's girl. He didn't take me shopping either.

Be happy you still have your mom around, yes.

I'd be gracious too, but still it's time for you to have your own wardrobe. You can find nice things on your own without spending a lot of money, and that way you can own what you wear. When someone asks you if that's what they gave you you can smile back and say what gave you that idea?

It will also help you to define your own style if indeed you have one separate from your mom and sisters by now. I bet you'll find that you do.

Surprisingly my mom was the recipient of her mother's largesse, and every now and then she got inundated with grandma's cool leftovers. It must've skipped a generation from her to me. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2017 11:32PM by Amyjo.

I do understand your frustration, but you have told them how you feel and why and you have made an effort not to wear clothes they have given you in front of them.It hasnt worked. Other than repeating yourself over and over or getting into a big argument, I dont know what else you can do. It is annoying and a sensitive thing,I.get that, but sometimes we need to accept what we cant change.My mother did some things that got under my skin too. Most mothers do



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2017 11:56PM by bona dea.

Agreed. I admit defeat. Today was a bad day and very, very hot and uncomfortable. I had to do a lot of cooking for my mother because she is a picky eater and will stop eating if I do not fix her special meals. As I said before, I'm ashamed I got angry but sometimes there is that last straw that .... well you know what I mean.

I love my mother dearly. We were immediately back on good terms after my rant. I have given up trying to get her to understand. She did, at least, admit that she had never in her life ever worn a hand-me-down clothing item. That's something.

Guess I was just hoping to find a tiny bit of understanding from women who might have possibly been in my shoes. I truly do not expect anything to change one bit with the family. I accept and love them as they are and realize that the only person I can expect to change is myself.

And to those of you who just think I'm a whiney ingrate, I hear you too.

My mom's best friend had a daughter two years older. Our elementary school had over 300 kids, so we seldom interacted there. Once, and only once, she came across the playground and said, in front of many people "that used to be my skirt."
I remembered her comment every time I wore anything that she'd grown out of. That was the last year I wore her old clothes, although they were nice.
Everything I grew out of went to younger cousins who each lived in different cities.
You can bet I never said anything to them when they wore what I'd grown out of.

i'll be honest and say I think you might be slightly overreacting.

wear yr hand-me-downs/charity-store-bought items with pride girl. my sisters/mom point out im wearing their old clothes all the time. best response is to strike a pose, look em dead in the eyes with a smile and say, "mmhmm, and they look damn good on me too". end of discussion, and cat-walk strut out the door for dramatic effect. wahlah

I love hand-me-downs, and I still take them from a family member on occasion. Maybe the difference is that I didn't need them when I was a young girl. When I had my very first office job in New York, a coworker discovered that I liked hand-me-downs and brought in three big bags full of designer clothes. I wore almost all of the items that she gave me, some of them for years.

I don't think your family members are asking out of meanness. In my opinion they have weak self-esteem (no matter their outward appearance) and need the validation. The same people will also often do that with gifts that they have given you for birthdays or Christmas (i.e., "Didn't I give you that blouse?" or, "Didn't I give you those teacups?")

There are different ways that you can handle the situation. You can box up the items and store them for a few years until the original owner forgets that they were ever hers! You can sell them at a consignment shop and use the money to buy other things. Or maybe you can work out a trading system with a friend of a similar size.

Given your feelings, you certainly deserve some things of your own. You can get nice things at consignment shops and thrift stores if you keep an eye out. Stores like Marshall's, T.J. Maxx, Burlington, etc. are also good resources.

Thanks Summer. Those are some excellent insights and ideas.

I didn't think for a moment my mother was trying to be mean to me. She was just clueless how she was making me feel even though I had explained it to her repeatedly. I think it's just one of those mother daughter things that will always exist.

I know all mothers like to tell stories about us when we were children and did embarrassing things like wet our pants or stuck a bean up our nose. That's to be expected. They get a kick out of watching us blush in public. Mom just likes being thanked again and again when she has done something nice. And I truly don't mind thanking her repeatedly unless it involves being called out in public and being made to look ungrateful. I just have to accept that if I don't want it to happen again I'll have to stop wearing her gifts. It's making me feel bad about myself.

For the record, I don't think it's "normal" for family members to embarrass us in public by rehashing our embarrassing moments as children. I don't do it, and I am acutely uncomfortable when someone else does. To me it seems cruel, like rubbing the nose of the person in their failures.

That may be a symptom of my own "stuff"---thinking you have to be "perfect" or you are a dismal, hell-bound failure.

But yeah, I really hate it when someone recounts how someone sure got in trouble for .... and isn't that funny. Or how someone did something embarrassing and let's all laugh at that person again now. sheesh.

It's really not about the clothes. The roots of the discomfort are about something else---shame, probably.

So if the clothes are a problem, give them away to a worthy cause--one of those women's resource centers where they help women prepare for job interviews and build a working wardrobe---

buy what you like, and enjoy it. Don't worry about it.

I would not ascribe motives one way or another to my family members: not maliciousness, not lack of caring about you; if anything, consider the possibility as suggested above that maybe for your mom it is actually a way of simply sharing what she enjoys with you, her daughter whom she enjoys.

All the same, if it makes you uncomfortable, do what makes you feel good about yourself. And determine to let the feelings about it go---be free and be you.

Really, this is bothering you way too much and you have to stop wearing these things. If you cannot afford some of the things you like you would be amazed at some of the things you can find at Goodwill, Garage Sales etc. Plus a few items on sale and you will feel great. Put a stop to this. If you have said this to your family as often as you think it's something else and you need to stop it.
Good Luck, honey

I think that's exactly what I've been saying. I'm not going to wear other people's clothes one more day. We are totally in agreement here.

Honestly, I'm not so vain as to need designer clothes anyway. I'm perfectly happy in T-shirts from Wal-Mart and a pair of jeans. I probably look better in nicer clothes but I'm far from a clothes horse and will be fine wearing the clothes I've purchased for myself.

I'm not sure I explained that I agree with you. This has gone on way too long and you have made comments and people are ignoring you, especially your mom.
I think I spoke too quickly. If it was me I would start packing up the clothes the next time and say it's just not looking right on you. Thank them and why not give them a few things of yours and see if they wear them. Just say "it" was a bit too large for you.
julie

As a man, I have no fashion sense, and no shame whatsoever. I'll wear anything that fits. This may be callous of me, but I agree with those who say "buck up" and just deal with it.

Think of these free clothes as a raise-in-pay that you don't have to declare to the IRS! That's part of a larger, more important point: every economy and act of thrift you do (such as planting a garden or changing your car's oil yourself) is indirect "income" to your advantage--and not the taxpersonman's.

Last thought: you might dye or alter some items in some way to make them more distinctly "yours."

Hey DaisyMae - I didn't intent to come across as insensitive to your situation. In fact, I understand your frustration more than you know. I am the youngest of nine children. Money was always tight for my parents so we were not "gifted" hand-me-downs, no, we were required to wear hand-me-downs because there was nothing else to wear. Most of the clothes were so worn by the time I received them that they often had multiple holes and patches.

We were also required to start working for "family income" at a very young age in any one of the many "family businesses" that my dad would arrange. If we didn't work, we didn't eat. Now, I don't mind working, however, every aspect of our lives was based on this communal concept. We had no privacy, no individuality, and rarely anything that we personally owned. My dearest "possessions" were beautiful rocks and drift wood, stray cats, a guinea pig, a chicken, and a salamander that I found.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in the big scheme of things, what you wear really doesn't matter all that much. Wear what makes you feel comfortable and confident. If wearing hand-me-downs from controlling family members breaks your self confidence, then simply stop accepting their clothes. As a child, you may not have had a choice. However, as an adult, you do have a choice.

Wishing you the very best.

As a child I was taught never to comment on an article of used clothing you have given to someone when you see them wearing it. That it was socially clueless to do something like that.

Having grown up impoverished myself I don't know why something like that stuck with me all these years but it has. Nor did the hand me downs I was given ever draw such a comment by the donor, thankfully. It surely would have bothered me if they had.

If you gift someone an article of clothing or donate items to charity where you later see your donation on someone else, great. Just don't comment on it as having ever been owned by yourself to the other person.

It was Etiquette 101, even for novices like me.

Although if I buy something brand new for my children and they look great in it I may find myself complimenting them on mom's good taste. Maybe because I went without so much as a child my children were some of the best dressed kids growing up at school and church. Clothes didn't seem as important to them as a result of having enough as they did to me, for my having been deprived as a kid.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> As a child I was taught never to comment on an
> article of used clothing you have given to someone
> when you see them wearing it. That it was socially
> clueless to do something like that.
>
> Having grown up impoverished myself I don't know
> why something like that stuck with me all these
> years but it has. Nor did the hand me downs I was
> given ever draw such a comment by the donor,
> thankfully. It surely would have bothered me if
> they had.
>
> If you gift someone an article of clothing or
> donate items to charity where you later see your
> donation on someone else, great. Just don't
> comment on it as having ever been owned by
> yourself to the other person.
>
> It was Etiquette 101, even for novices like me.
>

Scott's wife (A FEMALE) here:

Amyjo, I was taught the same thing. I didn't have older female cousins from among the relatives who might have passed items of clothing on to me, but my mom passed my clothing down to younger cousins. I was told not even to look at the clothing as though I recognized it if I ever saw one of my cousins wearing any article of clothing formerly owned by me. "Etiquette 101" sums it up perfectly. I'm somewhat appalled by DaisyMae's relatives being so insensitive.

Their cluelessness notwithstanding, they probably mean nothing by it, but that doesn't make it easier to swallow. I would continue to accept their "gifts" as long as the gifts are beneficial to you, but try to wear something else in their presence.

Regarding having blown up at your mom, you're human. Don't beat yourself up over what has already been done. My mom is 51, so she's not technically considered elderly yet and isn't necessarily entitled to quite the same deference an elderly mom would receive, and still I've exploded at her a couple of times.
I try to watch my words, and I've done considerably better as I've aged and matured a bit, but I'll probably go on to say something else to her in the future that I'll also regret. All I can do after it happens is apologize and move on. Lest anyone think I'm a spoiled and ungrateful daughter, my mom has said more regrettable things to me than I have to her. We're both hot-tempered Cubans, and we let down our guard most with each other. It's the nature of our relationship.

Moms usually understand these things more than we would expect them to understand.

My twin sister and I wore hand-me-downs, but unfortunately they were from our brother. Mom forgot it was school picture day, and there's me and my sister in second-grade class photo wearing jeans and flannel shirts.

School rule was girls could only wear dresses. That meant nothing to mom. She wasn't about to let us get cold. So there we were--flannel shirts and little blue jeans!

She was wonderful! :)

kathleen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My twin sister and I wore hand-me-downs, but
> unfortunately they were from our brother. Mom
> forgot it was school picture day, and there's me
> and my sister in second-grade class photo wearing
> jeans and flannel shirts.
>
> School rule was girls could only wear dresses.
> That meant nothing to mom. She wasn't about to
> let us get cold. So there we were--flannel shirts
> and little blue jeans!
>
> She was wonderful! :)

I like your mom, Kathleen.

Any woman who enters motherhood without expecting that at some time she will be called a bitch by her daughters, not to mention being "blown up" upon, is very naive.

Let it go. You're human. And as the others have said, stop wearing hand-me-downs.

I had to wear a lot of hand me downs when I was a kid, so I know how that feels. :(

If you really like a particular item your mother gave you, and she says, "Isn't that my old (whatever)?" You can always look puzzled and say something like, "Oh, did you have one like this? Huh. I can't seem to keep track of what clothes I got as a gift and what I have bought for myself." In effect, you're not answering. If she persists, you can always say something like, "Well, maybe it is--if so, thanks! But either way, you have to admit it looks good on me."

If it's just your mother doing it now, it should be easier, if you're done accepting things from your sisters. But it might work with them, too. :)

You don't have to wear them. You are free to invent your own style. Time to learn how to sew. Make alterations to make them new for you. You may get some satisfaction when they ask what the hell did you do to my favorite jacket, and you can say, you mean my jacket.

Do what makes you feel healthy and yourself. Don't second guess youself. And you are allowed to learn, grow, maybe someday change your mind--or not. Doesn't matter. What does matter is that you feel good about yourself and what you are doing. Period.

I'm going to start a new thread about "the should-box." Your post about the hand-me-downs reminded me what a powerful idea this is.

I like this last advice.

You do what makes you comfortable.
You don't have to justify yourself to us, or to your mother or sister, or to anyone else.

I am one who HAS been in your shoes. I think Susie Q has, too, and several other posters. Most of my clothes were hand-made, and hand-me-downs.

You might feel better if you go back and look at things from your mother's perspective. You wrote that your mother's wardrobe is very important to her! Clothes could potentially be a shared interest between the two of you--something you have in common. Yes, I agree that she has a need to be appreciated (people need more of that as they get older), plus she is reaching out to you, because she cares about you. You could help her choose her clothes, because you will be wearing them, someday. Take an honest look at yourself. Could you be a bit resentful that your mother spends so much time and money on her wardrobe, and you have less than she?

I think it's important to consider the fact that you look good in the clothes! Your mother wants you to look good, and you admit that looks are more important to her than they are to you.

Maybe your sisters are jealous, because they would want to wear those nice clothes, and either can't (they don't fit, or they don't look good in them, etc.) or your mother doesn't offer any clothes to them. Your sisters might resent the attention your mother gives to you, and not to them.

The hand-me-downs I wore were fabulous! Some were designer outfits, and much finer than I or my parents could ever afford. Most of them came from a friend of mine who is a celebrity, from a wealthy family in our neighborhood. You would know her name, if I told you. When I mentioned to her how much I appreciated all those lovely formals, back when, she laughed. I asked her what was so funny, and she said that the formals were hand-me-downs to her, originating from another friend of ours, who was two years older. I forwarded the formals to a friend who went to different schools, so the outfits weren't seen by the same people. I was excited to give my wedding dress to my cousin.

These lovely ensembles made me feel good, not bad. It was all fun! If someone made a comment, I would answer with, "Yes, it's vintage. I'm enjoying wearing it!" Appreciation was my genuine response. I think it's a mindset, that's all.

My very favorite dresses were the ones my mother made for me, and I still have some of them, that I saved. I never bothered to save the store-bought stuff.

Shame is such a useless emotion. There's no point in it. At all.

I'm the youngest of 7, so 90% of my clothes were hand-me-downs as I was growing up. I don't recall ever being humiliated by that EXCEPT when my StepMonster refused to buy us new school clothes, saying that her daughters had left a bunch of clothing at her house and we could just wear that stuff. Except her youngest daughter was 10 years older than me, so (this was in the 80s) we were forced to wear stuff that was a decade out of style. Which made middle school very rough for me. I was bullied and picked on because I was a decade out of style, but I was humiliated because I thought we were poor, not because I had to wear the hand-me-downs.

Then I realized much, much later that my Dad and StepMonster weren't really poor, just solidly middle class and my StepMonster didn't seem to want any of her money to go toward anything that wasn't a life necessity. I could get new gym shoes if they were required for class, but there was no just getting new shoes because.

Anyway, as an adult, I've participated many times in clothes exchanges and taken many hand-me-downs from friends. I'm tiny, so when people get rid of stuff they "outgrew" years ago, it tends to be offered to me. Which means, it's difficult for me to find someone who is tiny enough that my castoffs would fit them. I lost about 40 pounds a few years ago, so I had a lot of clothes that were at least two sizes too big for me. I gave away as much as I could, but the vast majority of it ended up at Goodwill.

All this to say: I gave some work dresses to a friend. One was a rather fancy party dress that she wore on a cruise for the formal dinner. The only thing I would and have ever said to anyone who was wearing clothes that used to be mine was: "I'm so glad you're wearing that. It looks so much better on you than it did on me."

I don't think the OP is ungrateful or overly sensitive. I think the person saying these things to her is shitty. That's someone who is actively trying to humiliate her for whatever reason. OP, I would drop anyone who behaved like that toward me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2017 09:49AM by dogzilla.

Down the street from my old office was a second-hand store. On Mondays we would go there on our lunch hour and find some artical of clothing that we would wear to the Supervision Staff Meeting on Tuesday. So much fun!

We'd say, "Hey, is that the thing you bought at the Junk-O-Rama?"

Do both, Daisy! Buy new lovely things and also enjoy the hand-me-downs. But, if you don't want to be reminded of the used stuff, just tell them that you don't want any more of it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/12/2017 06:56AM by kathleen.

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry gets a suit he doesn't want from Kenny Bania. Kenny won't stop talking about how great the suit is until finally he asks Jerry if he's worn it yet and Jerry says, "Yeah. I put it on last night and I slept in it!"

It's just my opinion, but it seems like the simplest solution would be to say, when they ask if you're wearing something they gave you, "I don't really remember where I got this."

Just another case of bishop syndrome...they have the power you give them ....refuse to answer....an odd look says volumes...ignoring can be more powerful than words...refuse to take the bait....as bait it is it seems...some families just never miss a chance to rub your nose in it...don't let em...I might be male but I could tell you stories about wearing odd duds...teased mercilessly at school..I had short hair during the hippy days...old school pics make it easy to see why...it gave me an early lesson in not giving a shit what others said or thought...still hurt...but never let em See ya sweat

Your story about short hair in hippy days made me revisit my sadness over my brother. He was a very handsome adult, but hit that awkward puberty stage right during the early 70s. My TBM dad gave him a violent haircut. I remember my brother sobbing. Boys certainly have it rough as well. I think a lot of men get over it better than women. Tell me I'm correct. My brother still had a sad, hard, short life.