I posted several months ago asking if I should tell my TBM family I no longer believe. I gots lots of good advice and counsel. Thank you all. I read the posts here regularly.
I'd like some input from people who have active kids in the home and an active spouse.
My unbelief became known when I refused a stake couple calling. I refused to tell the stake leader why. I discussed w/ husband and we have been trying to work thru w/ our marriage. I've listened to enough and read enough to know I won't change his stance, even though I've shared my feelings. I know he is just hoping I will come back. I have only shared my feelings w/ him. He has told the stake leaders and my missionary son who returns in 3 weeks. I have another son who leaves in 4 weeks.
Now to my question...my temple rec doesn't expire until 2019. Should I put my Gs back on and just fake it for my soon to be endowed son? My missionary has expressed how much he wants me at his wedding. He has no one in mind, but you know how fast things go after a mission. I don't want to hurt my kids or have them resent me. I also don't want to live a lie. I just feel like this is not a good time for these boys to "lose" their mom. I don't want a strained relationship w/ them since neither will be in my household for the next few years. My spouse would make me talk to SP before using my TR. What do you think?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2017 06:47AM by missionarymomma.

I'm not in your situation -- raised all my kids entirely outside of the morg.

I just wanted to comment on what a horrible situation the church puts you in.

Your two main options: be dishonest/fake with your kids, or be excluded from their lives and their love.

I wish I had an answer for you...I hope you find one that works for you.

Would they want you to live a lie? You now have a church-created culture clash in your home. TSCC did this, not you. I understand, you could keep the peace. You think family life should be all peace and love. The choice is between the easy road and the high road, so who are you, exactly?

The church has trained you to give up your power. You need to un-learn that. The truth is always in their best interest. They're not five anymore.

I don't want to come across as harsh. You need to understand that this LDS culture of self denial will cause more pain and heartache than what they'll face if you confront it head-on.

If you believe your kids came to Earth for a reason, and not to be fodder for a real estate empire using religion as a tax dodge, they need to finish developing as human beings. That won't happen in the cult. If you protect someone's restricted emotional development, you're sowing the wind.

The best thing you can do for your kids is disappoint them. That's the only way to unravel their unhealthy attachments.

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> The best thing you can do for your kids is
> disappoint them. That's the only way to unravel
> their unhealthy attachments.

This is so good I get chills.

We love our children so much, don't we? Oh, we love them. We hate to imagine we let them down. Even when we are being ourselves.

It's easier when they are babies, toddlers. Then the whitewater rises and we're in for our lives, paddling, hold, paddle left, paddle right, hold. Hoping not to taco and end up in a worm hole.

OP, you are in the crucible and I do not envy you at all. You can say to yourself, 'I can do this, I can go it alone' and still end up in a heap, sobbing on the bathroom floor.

I don't believe motherhood and true love requires dishonesty. But it kicks your ass. You may feel like you've lost everything if you are true to yourself and it may look like just that.

But from your post, I don't see you going back to fake. Or even 'normal'.

Know you are supported here no matter what.

Tell your son the quandary you are facing and ask for his understanding. Although it is a tough choice, Tell him at the end of the day, you want him to see your integrity more than you want to be there for him in the temple. If he's old enough to go on a mission, he should be old enough to start handling adult conversations. He also needs to see how afraid you are of losing him and how deep your love is.

If you do this, it will color his thinking as questions arise on his mission. No guarantees that would help, but your own mother seeing things in a new light has to make you stop and think a little I would hope.

I don't envy you. The cards are sorta stacked against you. I don't think it is a no win situation, I just think the win is going to be delayed a long time.

That is what came to mind for me anyway.

This is what I would do also. I'd be honest about my feelings but also absolutely claim that your worthiness is unchanged. You are still the same person, with a different point of view. But your actions, the way you treat people, etc, is unchanged. It's your personal integrity that makes you question the veracity of some things to do with the church, it's history and it's doctrines.

My daughter told me the only thing she wanted for her temple wedding was for me to be there. I decided I could pay tithing for a couple months, wear g's for a few days, go to church, and go get a temple recommend.

The condition was, I wouldn't lie to the bishop, and I didn't. I told him my situation--that I didn't believe but would do everything I could to get a TR for my daughter. He was at a quandary and had me meet with the SP. After much discussion, I was denied a TR since I didn't believe our church to be "the one true church".

I sat in the foyer for the wedding. No one asked me why I wasn't in the temple ceremony, everyone was kind and friendly to me as they came out of the wedding. Yes, it sucked because I knew I was more honest than a lot of people in the ceremony watching my daughter get married.

I have never regretted telling the truth, and four years later my relationship with my daughter is good. She respects my integrity.

I can't say what is right for you. I can only say what would be right for me.

Honesty and integrity first and foremost. Then let the chips fall where they may.

Show more love and affection towards your TBM family members while you learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe is true. But don't compromise your core belief that the church is not what it claims and that it is not true.

Tell your kids the truth.

When my spouse and I discovered the truth about "all this" after a near lifetime in TSCC, we called in our kids one by one and laid out before them what we had found. Five of the six were married (sealed) already, and we included spouses in those cases.

We advised them each that we understood their circumstances were all unique, as the married ones had done as we had led them to do and married in the temple (causing me great regret now, but that's another story).

Some left TSCC. Some stayed. One who left (and suffered a broken marriage soon thereafter) said something that I continue to greatly admire. It was something along the lines of "I could stay for the kids and live a lie, or I could leave and put an end to this cult here and now."

This guy had done EVERYTHING right. RM, Temple Marriage, outstanding education and career. We had flipped his world on end, but I think he did the right thing (again).

Your recommend is good, just show up for the endowment and hopefully the sealing.

Otherwise, live free and don't worry about it.

It is so very hard to advise anyone in a position such as the one you are in.

I can only say what I did.

I became a Christian at a very young age but was not grounded in Biblical knowledge or theology.

Around 12 or 13 I learned of the Mormon church through the Osmond family. I was so impressed with their values and intrigued by the claims of Mormonism that I was blinded to the faults of the cult. I learned everything I could about it and despite my parents objections set off for BYU at age 18. I was both enthralled and abhorred by Mormon culture. Something inside told me all was "not well" in Zion but I ignored what I knew to be true and plunged myself in even deeper. When I arrived back on campus for my sophomore year I was finding that my shelf was growing heavier and heavier. But I wanted to fit in so I ignored it. I then met my TBM RM fiance. I knew more about Mormon history and doctrine than many of my friends and I was fine with living the Mormon lifestyle-still I held out on being baptized-I used to get called a "dry Mormon" a lot. My fiance had no doubt that with a little bit more time I would convert. Thankfully a nevermo roomate gave me a copy of the Tanner's huge work, "Mormonism: Shadow or Reality". My shelf had begun to crack. I told my fiance I didn't ever think I could ever be a Mormon. He was angry but still hopeful. We married surrounded by my nevermo family in a Mormon Chapel on the east coast-no one from his family attended-they thought they'd witness our sealing when I converted.

Fast-forward about 4 years-we're married with a three year old and living in smalltown, UT. While DH remained mostly TBM we did not attend the Mormon church. I had been growing in my Christian faith and putting all the pieces together of what was wrong with Mormonism from a number of perspectives. Still, it remained a taboo subject between us. When I became pregnant with our second child I was extremely stressed out and felt my sanity was about to leave me. I had been stuffing way too much down inside-it's one thing for adults to handle living in a small town, small-minded, culture that demanded conformity but as my children grew I knew I could not tolerate subjecting them or possibly losing them to the same thing. I came to a crossroads: I could either continue stuffing everything I knew to be right and true or I could step up and face what I knew to be the truth.

The facts of Mormonism's history prove it to be false on a variety of levels. Historically, theologically and practically I knew Mormonism to be a sinking ship-full of rot and holes. I made the decision one day that pretending "all is well" while allowing my family to sail along on the doomed vessel was not only a bad thing to do-it was an unacceptable thing to do.

I decided that while I could not force my husband to see things my way, I also could not go on pretending that it was just fine to allow our lives to be sucked under by this cult. I began to pray and broach the subject with my husband in a calm and thoughtful manner.

He began to open up and eventually read a few things I brought home from the Tanner's bookstore. He became a Christian-that was 30+ years ago. A day doesn't go by that I don't thank God for allowing us to escape the grasp of the Mormon church.

I understand you may not be interested in Christianity. I do believe God worked a miracle for us. However, the principle is the same. Aside from a Christian theological standpoint, Mormonism still does not hold up under scrutiny. It is able to prove it "not true" merely by examining its history.

I can't say I know how you should proceed but I do know that sticking your head even further into the sand-living a lie, is NOT the answer. Find out the facts-know them well and then stand on them. You will not go wrong.

Approach your family with two things—love and truth—that is the only way to proceed.

I quit the Mormon church many years ago and will never return. I do take offense though at your labeling Mormons as not Christian. That is not true. They believe in Christ and believe they are following his teachings, just like other Christian religions. When I hear so-called "Christians" dissing other religions for not being as Christian as their Christian religion, I'm automatically turned off. So called "Christians" who put down other Christians are no better than other religions who expend so much energy and time telling others that they are wrong. If you truly are a Christian person you will focus on love and kindness, not pointing out the faults of other Christians because they don't believe quite the same as you do. You're no better than those you are belittling.

I converted to the Mormon church as a teenager. My best friend, who was not a Mormon, invited me to her church - a very popular and social Christian church in the area. Her Sunday school class focused on how the Mormon church was false. I was really shocked at the hatred in the room against Mormons, as all the Mormons I knew were very nice, good people. I also didn't understand how people claiming to be Christian devoted so much time in pointing out falsehoods in other religions instead of preaching love and kindness. It left me with a very bad feeling and more devoted to mormonism. Maybe it was unusual, but the ward I attended back in the 70s (not in the morridor), was full of kind people and I never heard then put down other religions. Although I am no longer a Mormon and sometimes think of joining another church, I will never set foot in a church that puts so much energy into proving other religions false or not as good, encouraging feelings of superiority and hate, like I experienced in my friend's very popular and well-attended church.

If your children are TBM, I'd be honest with them and tell them that you no longer believe. Telling them that Mormons are not Christian will most likely alienate you from them. If you dig deep enough, you will find fault with every Christian religion, so claiming that one is better than the other probably won't fly with your kids, especially the one on a mission.

True Christianity is about love and kindness - helping those in need and treating others as you would like to be treated. You don't need to attend a church to practice love and kindness.

Good luck to you.

It seems the issue of what is true Christianity instead of something else falsely claiming to be Christian comes up a lot here and there. For example one can find a "Statement of Faith" on various church web sites, and on the sites of "anti-cult" ministries. Often the theology on these will be conservative mainstream orthodox traditional theology, including things such as belief in the Trinity, the deity of Jesus, the inerrancy of the Bible, and salvation entirely through God's grace. Anyone or any organization straying very far from this formulation will likely be labeled as not being truly Christian.

On the other end of the spectrum are those who would say, for example, that anyone for whom Jesus is in some way central to their religious outlook is a Christian.

So in the end, I guess, one's determination as to who is or is not a Christian depends on one's definition of the term.

One often hears it said that so-and-so came out of Mormonism and became a Christian! From my perspective, they simply rejected one type of Christianity and embraced another type.

Dorthy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I quit the Mormon church many years ago and will
> never return. I do take offense though at your
> labeling Mormons as not Christian. That is not
> true.

Hello Dorothy. I understand your taking offense as all Mormons do. Your criteria for what constitutes a Christian is much different than mine and those who take the historical orthodox stance. The problem here is that using the name of Jesus does not make one a Christian. The Jesus of Mormonism is completely different from the Biblical Jesus. The Jesus the Bible describes is the second member of the Trinity. He existed eternally with the Father and is not a creature but the author of creation. He is not the brother of Lucifer as Mormonism claims. The Jesus of Mormonism is a created being who is not eternal. He is not eternally God as the Bible clearly teaches but progressed to Godhood by adhering to the tenets of the Mormon faith. Again, instead of being Lucifer's creator, the Mormon church makes him Lucifer's brother. I could go on and on as to how different Mormonism is from Biblical Christianity but the nature and character of Christ is at the very center.
>
> I also didn't understand how people
> claiming to be Christian devoted so much time in
> pointing out falsehoods in other religions instead
> of preaching love and kindness.
> Good luck to you.


I find this statement very telling. At first you very clearly express your anger to me for saying that Mormonism—a religion that is based on the claim that God Himself told JS that all others are wrong and corrupt; a religion that sends out missionaries with the message that all other churches are wrong and it is the only true church—is not Christianity. However, you then say that you don't understand how people can claim to be Christian when they have a Sunday school class pointing out the faults of Mormonism. So which is it?

Your protestations leave me with the idea that perhaps you have not really left the Mormon church. I too have sat in a Sunday school class where the errors of the Mormon cult have been pointed out. (In fact my husband and I have taught such a class). The purpose of the class was to compare Biblical theology with Mormon theology. And yes, people did occasionally laugh and show their scorn in some instances for the Mormon beliefs (mostly they were incredulous at some of the doctrine). However this was not to encourage hatred at all but understanding. And that it did. Just because someone points out where they think others are at fault that does not mean "hate" is encouraged.

Again, if you want to conclude that the church you visited was not "Christian" because it criticized Mormonism then your argument that "Mormons are Christian too" sort of falls flat.

There is a much larger problem looming for you than whether your kids are disappointed that you don't believe in Mormonism anymore or whether you can see your son married in the temple. You had a private conversation with your husband and he " shared it with stake leaders and your son"?. Really? Does that bother you? If not, why not? If your husband's first loyalty is to the stake leaders, your marriage is ......??? And any problems with your missionary son have been created by your husband sharing your conversation with him. I don't think you will be able to keep your unbelief a secret like you are contemplating....your husband will only go looking for more reinforcements in time and tell more people.

This is what I was thinking. The husband is already recruiting troops. I have seen this so many times. One spouse rallying support by telling everyone who will listen--no loyalty to their partner anymore. I consider it to be treason. The second your spouse is no longer number one, that is serious business.

I agree. The husband is the problem.

To the OP, in your shoes I would stand up to him. You have a valid temple recommend. If you wish to use it to support your sons, feel free to do so. And tell your husband that as the boys' mother, who gave birth to them, raised them, sat up with them when they were sick, if you wish to support them, you will. He is used to steamrolling you. It's time to tell him what's what.

BEING RIGHT vs Becoming Mature is a theme midstream among all marriages younger than (name something very old unless you're married to someone with the wisdom of god, to an old sage soul, or to a kin of the psi or You have the luck of leprechaun)

this lds not lds theme is just something to hang that O I AM SO RiGHT theme on. What is needed is maturity to love acts of love, love is a verb not just a word instead of lists from a book about what to say you think and how to look.

Communication strategies and skills training would enhance everything in a couple that loved each other which had a traumatic shock of identity that each, either one, or both partners found threatening.

Skills to de escalate hyper vigilant fight flight response enacted through a perceived threat to self or threat to identity as ego self--- that is what would help.

What we need are great teachers in community or online - learning skills to de escalate hypervigilent fear responses cascading miscalculated misplaced old skills from a lacking skill set forming a rotten bridge or a broken ladder like the husband flailing wandering everywhere speaking to friends as if that could change the hurt feelings or make someone who lives with him act and speak as he wanted her to. Broken skills. broken misapplied skill set. could be a a great guy a really fightened guy.

what we need is more teachers in de escalation and hyper vigilance step down skills set growth. What we need is more teachers, more community leaders, more online speakers, is de escalation, de intensifyication (is that a word) skills, and a un mystification of how fear generates defensive postures acts words speaking and communicates in defensive postures-
getting him past the fear is what the original poster needs to hear.

What links or you tubes or pod casts or books or scripts
exist-- teaching someone how to de escalate someone else's fear when they are frightened, when their ego identity is threatened

this is what we need to share. how do we find it?

Paintingnotloggedin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> What links or you tubes or pod casts or books or
> scripts
> exist-- teaching someone how to de escalate
> someone else's fear when they are frightened, when
> their ego identity is threatened
>
John Gray, Mars Venus daily broadcasts (free)

Byron Katie, The Work. 'I need your love. Is that true?' book. Free resources and work with certified facilitators around the world.

Jayson Gaddis, 'Smart Couple' podcast, Relationship School in Bolder, CO

Transcendental Meditation

Lewis Howes, 'The School of Greatness' podcasts, book

Yes, I was ticked about this sharing. I understand why he did, and he now knows not to. He felt he needed to explain to his leaders (and very close friends-as he was just released from SP 1 wk prior) why I would reject a calling. In his eyes, he is looking out for my salvation. It's kinda funny that I have always kinda worn the pants in our relationship except for church stuff.

missionarymomma Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yes, I was ticked about this sharing. I
> understand why he did, and he now knows not to.
> He felt he needed to explain to his leaders (and
> very close friends-as he was just released from SP
> 1 wk prior) why I would reject a calling. In his
> eyes, he is looking out for my salvation.

If he believes he is protecting your salvation, then he answers to a higher calling than your annoyance/pleasing his wife.

He'll do it again. It's the only way that LDS can 'love'. They'll justify anything.

If he doesn't understand integrity and loyalty, then no reprimand, 'he now knows not to' will count for anything!

You really think a full grown man with the head-trip of priesthood, head of family and SP is going to be schooled by his wife as to what he can't do? Ha!

^^^^

Totally. That's why OP must make peace with going it alone. Or just the concept, the idea of what that would feel like.

I HATE THE GOSSIPFEST OF MORMONISM! Anti-marriage, anti-families!

My dad always told us the truth, except for the time we had a very dangerous dog. Pop said a nice rancher took him. Uh, huh.

But he never went along with God, or Jesus, or Satan, or Boogie Man or anything he didn't believe. No matter what. I loved him for that!

My family once had a dog who really did go to live on a farm, owned by a family friend. It was a better situation for her and she had a lovely life.

Tell all children individually why and what. Then tell asshole husband if he ever breaks your confidences again you will tell both children why he is on the street..and SP will learn a few things about your husband your spouse may wish he hadn't

Gatorman
Aaarrgghh!!

Excellent advice! Thanks.

Thanks for all the advice. I know the right thing to do is speak to each child. I needed a push of confidence to do it. I almost fear (hope) that the one getting ready for mission will figure out the fallacies while serving and end up leaving. It will all be blamed on me of course.
I will have those conversations. Thanks for the push.

Well, of course, someone would have to be blamed. It isn't like your children couldn't possibly have their own concerns about Mormonism.

Given the numbers, some, if not all your children, will likely leave the church. Your leaving may or may not increase that likelihood, but if they do decide to leave, they know that at least one of their parents will understand. They won't have to walk around fearing what my mom are going to say or do as a result of their deciding to leave Mormonism.

You will be giving them a valuable gift. The freedom of knowing that you would understand.

I think that's a great question. Thing is whatever you DO say against the church (after raising them in it) can be a uh, contradiction. They may recall being in second grade or sixth grade or summers and now they're old teen agers- still active in the church. And finding uh an argument against themselves - it might hurt.

Well iffff you had a senior in high school whose been ditching seminary and avoiding callings sure you could say something without a scene and without messing with the identity, which you grew with them, and without messing with their confidence, without messing with their capacity to believe in life...because uh i think the original post mentioned someone so active lds they had made it through high school using Mormon coping routines and Mormon seminary hijinkx and were mormony to the point of going on a mission.

if its someone asking permission, still wanting approval, say; 'don't do it for me. do it for yourself not anybody else. i would still love you and approve of you - if you wanted to apprentice with a plumber this year or go to Harvard or be a marine I would love you very much and be very proud of you. I am your mom and I will be proud of you no matter what you do, no matter what I love you. Don't do this (mission) for me, I don't think it matters very much I trust the universe to work these things out. Please don't do anything you don't want to, don't actually want to, and don't do this for me."

When I look back in retrospect I think I wish I had had greater respect for my kids needs to fit in, and how they used or didn't use the lds church's rules and folks and young women's friends and stuff. If I had had my children first, rather than been immersed in my own drama, I might not have had such a happy easy going pagan on my hands - which though I am proud of, jumped into a large pagan clan to be parented in part, I think because of me over reacting again. I think telling that one straight out what I thought demolished their faith confidence because they had been acting for my parental approval, after which all hell broke loose, at least temporarily. I wish with that one, that I had said, I believe in love, I believe in gentleness, I believe in nurture, I believe in lessening lifes suffering, I believe in helping- I believe humanity is more than the forces of nature- because we can think and feel and create and be. I believe in acts of strength and the greatest strength is contributing, protecting, acts of self control over any inner animal rage given any provocation or moment of suffering. I wish i had found a neat podcast on philosophy with a dynamic presenter and we had watched it first. i am happy happy \\i am proud of how that one turned out -- i am uncomfortable with the cruelty of their married kin. thus says the Scilian raised among the mob now long dead kin. and I am uncomfortable with acts of cruelty, people communicating planning acts of cruelty, & grandma cursing throwing curses on the full moon with other Scilian grandmas. I, I wish life were more loving than this.

& a very pleasant extrememely literal protestant congregation stepped in and helped guide my beloved other teen literally caring for them, carrying them through their Senior year which they were just about entering when i had my lds/melt down. They (professionals) graciously mentored her welcomed her into their tiny senior year youth group midstream, allowing a merit scholar a home albeit temporarily. Launching her with their very best after a whole senior year youth group open house display like an eagle scout would get. They let her in. Then sent her to do puppet shows for JEsus in cocaine fields for the summer ( & I still have issues with that)

So be careful with what you ask for. My spouse was already mentally out far out of the LDS church. Just a great kinda guy who put on the suit now and then for me. Fortunately for me, caring responsible people picked up the community cards when I flung them far and threw down my deck cards flying everywhere uncaring strewn far and wide. And these my children, whom I had raised lds were flung flying gripping on the cards of them still caring for religios dogma behavioral cards tumbling social cue cards flung far. oh if only I could thank the caring community members for picking them up.

Both kids turned out absolutely great & me oh I did a secular and financial and physical nurture but it was other members of my community that polished them off for me.

I stood outside the temple during my children's marriages. For me, I'd rather my family knew that my personal values were not to lie or pretend about Mormonism's truth claims. We're only talking about a 30 minute ceremony.

However, this was my decision. You may decide that in attending you're showing love and support while giving the church the middle finger for not keeping you out.

Do what you feel best, but don't do it for your kids--do it for you. Very best wishes, I'm sorry that you and your family are experiencing stress over what should be a joyous event. Also remember being there for the marriage is different than showing up for a 30 minute ceremony. Hugs, The Boner.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2017 05:18PM by BYU Boner.

As a general rule, my opinion is NEVER, NEVER fake it (whatever "it" is,) for the kids.

In the short term, you may dodge a bullet. In the long term it will come back to haunt you--and will likely do more damage than if you'd been honest to begin with.

Faking it for the kids, in my opinion (generally) is more about being afraid to do the dirty work oneself than it is about "sparing" the kids anything.

Only if you are a TBM. Then you should fake your unbelief in the church until they are mature and capable of making their own informed decisions.

They would then owe you a sincere "Thank You" !

Living a lie to smooth things over is not the right course.

Tell your son leaving on a mission you will be there for him no matter what. Tell your son thinking he will be married soon to please have a ceremony for you and all the others who can't attend in the temple. Tell your husband he is a dirtbag.

I have always been honest with my children, and I agree with CateS, that this is a general rule for living. When I was in the process of leaving the cult, there were times when it seemed everyone (meaning all the Mormons in our family, and in our neighborhood ward) was forming a united front against me. At those times, I would follow my heart, and follow my general rules for right and wrong. Very often, the cult and its members would try to lead me into decisions and behaviors that I felt were wrong. I never wavered from being true to myself and true to my children. Though it seemed I was feeling around in the dark, my children and I came through to the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't begin to describe to you how great my children are, and how wonderful our life is, now that we are all out of the Mormon church! Because I was honest, our little family is strong, loving, and loyal. My children are successful in their careers, because they are trustworthy, hard-working, and have sincere motives. They are leaders, because they learned to think for themselves. They are independent, creative, funny, physically fit, and street-smart, which are qualities that the Mormons try to suppress.

You are feeling very uneasy with yourself. Many of us faced the same dilemma that you are facing: The choice between the Mormon church or your family. The good news is that this is a myth--another Mormon lie! This is the church's spin on things. Reality dictates that there are hundreds and hundreds of wise choices you can make! I made the choices I felt were best for me and my children, and our life is better than we ever could have imagined!

You be honest with your children. You make that choice, and act upon it. You want a good relationship with your children. (Your children will not find honesty among the Mormons.)

You give your children unconditional love. Contrary to what Mormons believe, there is such a thing as unconditional love, and that is the love a mother has for each of her children. (Your children will not find unconditional love in the Mormon church.)

What I really want to say to you, is that you are still in the clutches of the Mormon cult. Go back and read what you wrote. You seem to have the future all predicted for you! Your son returning from his mission, his quickly getting married in the temple before your temple recommend runs out, your next son leaving for his mission. As an outsider, formerly a BIC from a prominent GA family, this seems crazy. No one can predict the future! If your husband or any other Mormon priesthood holder says he can predict the future, that is a lie. Mormons can only attempt to manipulate the future.

Your son might fall in love with and marry a non-Mormon. He might agree with what you tell him, and say, "Mom, I don't believe in Mormonism, either."

Your son might get angry and not want you at his wedding at all, because you are living a lie.

Your son might want to go to school, or do something else with his life, first, and then get married after your recommend expires.

Your husband and the stake president might revoke your recommend, or have you excommunicated, so you wouldn't be able to go to any temple wedding.

You can't possibly foresee exactly how your son is going to react, or what is going to happen.

You have more power than your TBM husband and the others give you credit for having! You can make a difference in your children's lives! I took my children out of that cult, the instant I found out how bad it was. I could never have imagined throwing my kids under the bus, leaving them in there alone to deal with what I myself could not deal with--as a strong, independent adult.

Probably, you still believe that Mormonism "is a good way to raise kids," otherwise, you would try to rescue them.

Stand up for what you believe, and people will respect you for it. My husband left before our children and I did, and I always respected him for it, and after a year, we thanked him for it.

I'm sorry you are forcing you to make unnecessary sacrifices. A "common good" does exist, wherein all of you will be happy, including you, too. You will find it. Keep learning, and searching, and following your heart. (((hugs)))


I would like to add that Christianity does differ greatly from Mormonism, in many ways, but especially in the key fundamental issues of honesty and unconditional love. The Mormon General Authorities often speak out against these two Christ-like qualities. Mormons negate unconditional love, and negate the Atonement of Christ, by writing their own false scriptures that say that only Mormons may be saved, IF THEY EARN their salvation, through obedience to the laws (tithing) and ordinances of the Gospel.

Christians believe that ALL are saved.

Beautiful post, Breeze. Your experience is so valuable to moms who are in the process of leaving the Mormon church. I am glad that you continue to share it here.

I happen to agree with Breeze and those above who say that you should tell your kids. I also feel that you should feel free to use that temple recommend to support your kids until it expires or is revoked.

Thanks for your thoughts. I do not believe mormonism is a good way to raise kids. I had doubts about the church about 16 yrs ago and put everything on a shelf telling myself, it wasn't true, but it was good. I have recently realized all the damage it does. I would love to rescue my kids, but must tread lightly. My DH is super dooper TBM as is my robo missionary son. His MP is probably pegging him as a future leader. We have a family member who was recently called as an area authority and several members who serve in high callings through out the world-all on DH side. I risk losing my spouse and realize how mean and ugly he can be if he so chooses-which he will if I threaten his family. He has made it quite clear that the 2 most important things in his life are church and family. Unfortunately probably in that order. Hopefully with time, I will be able to expose my boys enough to and give the the courage and thought processes to think and look outside the box and they will come to their own conclusion. I am ready and willing to be the "devil" and the hated mom when and if needed.

While my DH's family were all TBM temple Mormons, at least there were no "royal types" in the bunch.

Of course they thought my DH was headed in that direction but thankfully that never happened.

I'm sorry, but if your husband is already threatening you, then it's time to be the evil mother now.

This ego/reputation above human beings--even your own wife--and calling it "family," is just the sort of gaslighting this cult thrives on. It's authoritarianism, not love or religion. It's not Christian. To claim it is Christian is just to use Jesus' name for your own aggrandizing purpose. That DH is high-status, and therefore, you must mind your p's and q's or face the consequences--that he will make sure gets delivered--is fascism. This is nothing to teach children.

Agree with the others, you should talk to the kids and break the news. They'll most likely do the cult thing and ask you to pray etc. to pressure you back into the cult. You can calmly inform them that's not going to happen.

Then ask them what they want. Your TR is valid; do they want you there anyway? If they do, then go for them. These things don't take all that long, and they'll appreciate you doing something for their sakes that makes you uncomfortable for a brief period. Since they'll know what's going on, you won't be lying or deceiving or faking anything.

As for your husband "making" you talk to the SP, how will he do that? Physically drag you? I doubt it. Suggest that he raise his right arm to the square and command you to go, to show that his priesthood is worthless.

I don't think you should talk to the SP, period. It's none of his business, and your TR is already good to go. The only reason to see the SP is to tell him what he wants to hear, and use that later to show your husband that SP has no power of discernment. But I personally would advise against even that.

Something to think about that came to my mind...not the answer to your entire question, but a piece.

The church says you are to make the decision when to wear your garments. Yes, there's the "day and night" thing, but there's also the statement that it's ultimately up to you. They read that during the temple interview process.

If you decide to stop wearing them--or wear them occasionally--that's up to you. And if your husband asks, you can assert your right to decide. Without explanation.

I wouldn't drop any bombs. Take some time to figure out what you want and need to do. Maybe talk about some of the essays...the church gave us a convenient way to bring up these topics in an "official" way.

Another poster mentioned something about some spouses caring more about "the church" than their own families. Not sure if that is the case with your husband. But better to take some time and be careful in case this is true with him. Best wishes.

Why benefit would you get from faking the cult or anything from your kids? I was uber LDS for 36 years. When I left I told my non-member family, I made a mistake. I was wrong. I apologized to them for offending them promoting the cult attitude and lifestyle that interfered in our relationship. I took responsibility and that allowed the air between us to clear up. Speak to a non-LDS marriage counselor privately for your own support network. You're in a difficult place. Take things slow.

apologized to my entire nevermo family for being responsible for making them attend our wedding in a Mormon chapel.

missionarymomma, family comes first. I am glad you created this thread because I wanted to meet a woman who doesn't believe and is married to a spouse who is TBM.

While I am not a mother, keep the garments on for just a little longer. Seeing your son getting married is a priority and a must.

False certainty is harmful, and in the church it abounds, but sincere, intellectually honest certainty is a precious and rare commodity, and an example of that is authenticity and honesty between you and your children. Don't stop cultivating it, don't corrupt their knowledge of reality by faking. Be honest and let them witness the fruits, for better or worse, in light of full disclosure.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2017 06:36AM by windyway.

Only you can be the one to decide whether you should or shouldn't. And I hope that decision is totally based on what you feel is best for your family. No two families are alike. I realize more and more how easy I had it that my leaving was a good thing for my immediate family. In the long run, the extended family isn't what matters, although it can cause a lot of turmoil.

I'm glad I wasn't put in that position of having a spouse or children who would have felt hurt by it. Other people do. But do not base your decision on feeling like a hypocrite or that there is some moral wrong in it. There isn't. The moral wrong is people who claim to love Christ and the church but treat people like trash. In fact, admitting that you are going through the motions for your family shows who really believes in "Families First."

The timing and manner you will reveal this to your family is really up to you. Sometimes that doesn't go as well as we hope it will in the beginning--that doesn't mean you give up on the relationships. I think most people regret something about how their "coming out" unfolded, and what we did. That's certainly true for me, but it's a very uncomfortable emotional place for us.

I think the most important thing is to be true to your convictions. In the rearview mirror (I've been out of the LDS Church 10 years now), the Mormon world doesn't look as big and scary as it does to you right now. It's really not a significant part of the whole of human experience.

You can't control how others react, but you can be kind, thoughtful, calm, and respectful of others. That will not fit with their expectations of "apostates."

Tell them. I am the product of not "telling them". My mom just disclosed that she was reading the 19th wise when she was baptized and has always known it was not "true".


Our lives, in so many ways would have been better with the truth.

She joined because she thought it would help with my dad's drinking and smoking and would be a clean livin' club.

It caused divorces, estrangements, depression, cognitive dissonance, bigotry, homophobia and waste in all of our lives.

Be ethical, protect your kids from that church. it may taste sweet, but make no mistake it is a poison.

No amount of lies ever will ever add up to what a drop of truth will in the quality of the lives your kids have.

I am resentful towards my parents for all the lies they have told me that were 'for my own good' and because of that I don't trust them very much. They rationalize any and all of their despicable, shady, manipulative behavior because they think it's justified for the cause. They are so deluded. I would respect them a hell of a lot more if they were just truthful.