Posted by:
snowball
(
)
Date: August 10, 2017 01:18PM
I came back like a car that still had a quarter tank of Mormon spirit left. I was still going strong, but my sense that my life and own thoughts were in tension with the LDS Church grew in this period--to the point where 3 years after returning my belief in Mormonism was essentially exhausted.
At the same time, I came back to my life back home, which was basically stalled in place. My friends who had stayed home were juniors or seniors in college. I would be going back to college a sophomore (at least I was at BYU, so didn't feel off schedule). My non-Mormon friends were extremely generous in helping me reacclimatize to real life. We went to go see "Cast Away," which was appropriate because I might as well have been stranded on an island for 2 years and come home.
Ironically, people want your life to move a pace in such a way as if you had stayed home and been focused on getting your career and personal life established anyway. Because, suddenly is everyone (at least all the Mormon everyones) is egging you on to get married and start a family--of course with no practical advice or help on how to make that actually work (other than perhaps trying to line you up with someone ill-suited to you). At this point, this was not very important to me, so this was an early point of tension with the Church and the culture that surrounds it.
Even so, I was dedicated to get on with the program, and planned to live my life as a Mormon. But like others mentioned, I was carrying a few emotional burdens from my missionary experience. I was in Germany. Only one person we taught was baptized, and he did not attend the branch after we left the area. I was assigned to be a branch president for 6 months without much training and support. I didn't think I did a very good job of it, but at the same time, I didn't think that I got a lot of help to be successful. You just get a manual (written as if you were running a fully staffed ward in the corridor), and a visit with a high councilor every month. So, I was carrying a burden wondering what I should have done better. Of course, the problem is not us, but the organization we were working for.
Continuing a bad habit from my missionary days, I questioned my ability to discern the spirit to an almost weirdly obsessive level. This is a really strange way of thinking, in which one begins to believe that one needs to have a spiritual revelation that will help you choose the "right" spouse, "right" major, "right" career. Of course, when that inspiration doesn't really come, one can't feel totally satisfied about making the best decision you can with the information available and just enjoy the ride of life--realizing it will be necessary to modify and adapt life decisions based on external realities. In a sense, I think I was frozen before I finally left the LDS Church. Sure, I was able to accomplish some things, but never felt confident of my ability to make independent decisions. I guess it's what happens when you spend 2 years doing what you are told to do.
As blind mule observed, a mission can have the benefit of introducing you to other kinds of people, and ways of living. I did have a broadened perspective, and appreciated many aspects of life in Germany. For instance, people were more protective of their leisure time than Americans, and less consumed with consumption of stuff--more focused on good life experience (ok and beer!). My studies of secular subjects at BYU, and considering what the implications of those ideas were for "the gospel" also led down some interesting and unexpected paths.
After being home for 2-3 years my testimony diminished, and for all intents and purposes was exhausted when I graduated from BYU. At BYU, I served in a lot of leadership callings, and spent a lot of time at meetings, and other church activities. Some of this involved teaching gospel doctrine or gospel principles classes that raised a lot of questions for me. I began to realize that if I wanted to continue doing all this the rest of my life, I need to sort out my biggest concerns with the LDS Church and decide whether this is true or not.
Going down that road led me to have concerns and doubts, I never knew about.
I walked on that stage realizing that I would probably not live out my days as a Mormon. That was true, but it would be about 2 and a half years later before I officially resigned.