have a friend who is returning from his mission soon. Just wanna be prepared for what to expect, I hear a lot of different things. So go wild. literally anything.

ex) what did you feel upon coming home from your mission? was there anything in particular you really wanted to do? what state was your testimony in on coming home?

Everyone is different. I came home devastated and depressed. I lost much of my life's ambition thinking since I was a failure as a missionary I would be a failure in life. I experienced zero converts in Finland. That was good for the Finns, not so good for my self esteem. I burned my missionary journal in a sauna a month before my mission ended. It was filled with self loathing for the lack of success. I was gullible to believe the visiting GAs bull shit.

I believe it had affected me negatively for many years after the mission. Putting an introvert into high pressure sales for 2 years with no success is cruel. It took a long time for me to accept it was the church not me. When I was a young mens leader I passively discouraged the teens to not go on missions. The mission program should be scrapped. There is too much damage done and 2 precious years wasted.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2017 07:08AM by Eric K.

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I also came home depressed, even though I had success on my mission. The funny thing is, my new demeanor came across to my family as deeper humility and spirituality because I no longer displayed “light mindedness”. They thought, “Look at how he has grown and matured spiritually”, but the truth was that joy, youth and life had been sucked out of me, most of it never to return.

I too think I was depressed. I also wonder about PTSD given the nightmares, etc.

A half generation later, in one of my last discussions with a stake president, I told him there was no way I would encourage my children to serve missions. His jaw hit the floor.

This guy had been a mission president. The ability of such people to ignore the harm that may missionaries suffer continues to amaze me. He was definitely old school: it was the church that counted, irrespective of the needs of individuals.

Lot's Wife, however, loves her children.

Mission Presidents are like some Generals commanding trench warfare from hundreds of miles away. Simply out of touch and only concerned with winning a battle with no regard for the soldiers who were deemed necessarily expendable.

I have read so many instances of MP douchebaggery than I can stand. And their wives refusing medical attention to the mishies in other experiences I have read. It is all sickening.

The above is the feeling I always got from my MP. When we were all back in the SLC valley, we were all invited to a party at the MP's new house. It turned out to be a landscaping event to "thank him and his wife." We were handed shovels and sod and bushes to plant. I didn't even get a cookie.

Many young people are damaged severely by the experience of the mission. Interesting that the "back on the mission" dreams fall into the nightmare category. I always woke up screaming.

My testimony was less in tact than when I left but I didn't know it yet. Seeing the real world with real people wasn't what I was told it was going to be and my point of view in general had changed. I had several companions that made me prefer the "heathen locals" to them. Everything about the country and the people had felt wonderful. Everything about the mission had been "off" somehow but I just accepted it as the Lord's mysterious way and that I did not understand. I had been a perfect candidate for the brainwashing, but my natural personality was the wrong candidate for being a salesman. Very ill fit.

Beyond that, I was in some kind of stupor and on automatic pilot just looking to do whatever was expected of me next. I was a favorite speaker in sacrament meetings in the stake and was even invited to other counties. I only spoke from the Bible but for no conscious reason. I had no clue who I was. Perfect Mormon in other words.

If your friend was out of the country, they may want to do a lot of really American things--food especially and catch up on movies. Mostly the simple things are what are missed most.

If you have conversations about the mission with your friend, they will most likely tell you what they think they are supposed to say. Read between the lines. Get to know them again by the little things they say. Let the stupor wear off for a while. Let the need to be seen as a conquering hero wear off. Then they may be your friend again. (I was the opposite of Eric K. I burned my journal years later when I read it and realized I had tried so hard to make myself sound like a great, wise, spiritual giant for the Lord. I was sickened at myself. I should have been sickened at the brainwashing instead.)

I came back tired of mormonism, strict rules, and idiotic "priesthood leaders" using their church office as an excuse to be horrible human beings. I was longing for some freedom, longing to be just a normal person, longing to hold a girl's hand (and some other parts), longing to not have to put on a show to some random guy I got stuck with 24 hours a day to pretend I was full of faith and holy and oh-so-perfectly mormon.

So I got back, did my RM speech at the ward, and promptly stopped going to church. I started living and exploring and learning instead of being a mindless drone. And three months after I got back, I told the church I was leaving never to return.

I'm not typical, though. Some of my fellow missionaries doubled down on the obedience and ignorance upon their return. They parlayed their status as sanctified returned missionaries into more church power, into the perfect way to get any mormon girl they wanted, into high status at BYU, and more. They considered their missions an investment into church ego and power that they were then going to collect the returns on, and they did.

I considered it a lesson in stupidity and cult mentality, and a waste of 2 years of my life.

I don't know what your friend is going to consider it.
Good luck.

I was weird, insufferable, and alienated from anything and everything interesting in the world. I was also alienated from myself and it took a long time to fix.

Be patient and get your friend into the real world in ways that doesn't make their head explode from the dissonance.

Don't judge and give them time to decompress.

Each person adapts to freedom in their own way.

Let them lead the way and be supportive.

Some need validation they did not waste their lives. Accent the positive if possible. Did they learn a new language? Did they visit a far off land? What did they learn?

After a bit they'll find their place. Then they may need help leaving the narrow box of a mission and stepping into the real world.

Please be wary if their local leaders give them a checklist of things to do. Some wards have a "retention" program. Does tremendous harm. Let them know they now choose their path.

Good luck

On return I soon began to realise that mentioning any negative experiences about my mission was a no-no in all circumstances. This made me feel like my mission might have been wrong somehow and not fully valid and so I didn’t talk about any negatives even if they weren’t directly about me, in fact no RMs I knew seemed to have a bad word to say about their experiences.

I particularly hated having to give my account to the stake presidency. There was a golden-boy who went in before me and the stake presidency had little interest in my mission but were certainly telling me about his mission!

Anyway, a kind of odd event happened soon after I came back. I was at a fireside held at the Hyde Park chapel at which the patriarch of the church was speaking. The event was introduced by the London Mission President, who seemed to be great friends of the patriarch and his wife. Anyway the MP said that people must wonder how all the missionaries get up at 6.30 every day, do two hours of study etc and went on to say that the answer was because they were in the true church and they had the holy ghost. On hearing this I straight away knew he was lying, there’s huge disobedience of the handbook in all missions. but I didn’t do anything it was just a blip that didn’t make any sense, something that just needed to be ignored.

For me there followed lots of other similar blips with reality often clashing with a fantasy reality. So in answer to your question, on return I had some feelings of isolation and of perhaps knowing things I shouldn’t speak about, had I failed? but I couldn’t help what I’d seen and knew so I had a feeling of slight confusion. Such thoughts are not particularly inducing to happiness, so I ignored them. Ten years later it was necessary for me to re-examine many many things about TSCC, this was a difficult experience and now years ago and I’m now free.

" . . .mentioning any negative experiences about my mission was a no-no in all circumstances."

The pressure is still on when you come back. I knew very well I HAD to say it was "the best two years of my life." And I did. In my coming home sacrament talk. It was almost like the congregation was waiting the whole time for that one statement and then they could let out a sigh. There was still a game to play. The mission isn't over for a while even after you get back.

My biggest suggestion would be to do things alone with your friend. If there are more than a few people involved he/she will likely not feel comfortable confiding anything about the mission. Just keep it simple and relaxed and see if he/she says anything.

When I got home from my mission it felt like everyone was looking at me. Then again I was an early return and was outed by my mission president to my family. So my experiences may be a little out of the norm.

It felt as if everyone had somehow changed. Im sure everyone felt the same about me.

I found most comfort with my alone time and alone time with 1 or 2 friends.

I retained my sense of humor. I shared funny stories and many people thanked me personally for keeping them awake during SM. Nobody attempted to censor my thoughts.

When I got back I definitely thought I was a little better than everyone else. I "obviously" was closer to god with how much I had worked for him. If he knows you aren't in with the church anymore he might try to "bring you back into the fold". I'd say be patient with him. I was gung-ho about converting my Brother in Law when I got home. I was excited for my little brother to leave. I was very upset that my other brother had come out gay and my family was starting to be ok with it.

And that was 5 years ago and I'm totally out now. And no one could have convinced me back then. It was growing just a little bit more mature and seeing the church for what it really is. The internet has become the number 1 tool for discovering the falseness that is inside the church and younger people are leaving the church in droves as they discover it. Give him time, don't pressure him. He will see it or he won't but it's his choice

I came back fine. But I also left fine...I didn't take myself too seriously and kept my sense of rebellion during my mission. But, yes, I've heard about a lot of guys coming back very self-righteous and superior.

I was somewhere in the middle: Believing but rational and not going to let anyone tell me what to do. I think that kept me from going mad OR going too deep into the morg.

I felt like I was essentially the same person. Maybe more confident in being older and some greater experience talking with people. But definitely not like some of the stories I've heard about other returned missionaries.

I'm a little sad today because my son entered the MTC. I don't think he wants to but he did. His mother has remarried and has an a**hole husband who kept asking and pressuring him to go. I can only hope he decides to leave soon but he's a sweet soul and wants to please. I've reassured him that it's his choice and he's a volunteer so don't take sh*t from anyone. We will see.

His stepdad really is an a-hole. My sense from my daughters is that even my ex knows this. Too bad, her choice.

My secret pleasure is that he served a mission in Laos. He knows (maybe remembers??) the Lao language. That's OK but really, living in Utah, when would he even use it? I dated a Lao woman here in Texas and went to a Lao new year and was blessed by a monk...very cool, but nothing compared to knowing Spanish like I do. The only blessing from my mission.

The best blessing is that I've dated and known very intimately two Asian women (China and Vietnam)...and he probably has/had a hard on for those beautiful women. Sorry--you are stuck with a white-bread blond that I dumped.

I'm terrible for thinking these things, I know. But I'm very happy and it feels good to tell someone! A long and strange sequitur, for sure, but this site is a catharsis.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2017 02:06AM by txrancher.

Pissed off. Really pissed off. I came home at the height of the sexual revolution, and even at BYU everyone I knew had been having sex. In fact, my former roommate from my first year at BYU had sex with a young Mexican girl on his mission, and got sent home. He was reinstated later, and went back to BYU, where he kept trying to get into the pants of all the girls in the 35th Ward. I was the lone man out. I went out with a girl in the 35th Ward who tried to get me into bed with her, but I declined, because I was still new off my mission and still trying to be good. My returned missionary friend Time said that was too bad. He had sex with her, and it was the best he had had so far.

I really missed out. I missed two years of education, entered the job market two years late, retired two years later than most, and went unnecessarily into marriage in a virginal state.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2017 01:23PM by cludgie.

I came back pretty damn happy, I didn't have any real luck or success on my mission. I did have a pretty great time on my mission and met wonderful people that gave me a career direction. Mark Twain wrote: “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. I never drank the kool-aid of the militant minded power aspiring missionaries that i worked with. My model was "be the gray" and it worked wonderfully. Your buddy just spent two years following rules, going through a chain of command and could probably use a good break. Go do stuff that you did prior to his leaving on his mission, he will thank you for it.

I felt total relief when it was all over and that my identity had - more or less - survived. It was obvious to me from the start at the MTC the reprogramming the whole mission set up was trying to do to us. I kept my head down and refused to turn into some of the robots that I saw being created around me.

I came back like a car that still had a quarter tank of Mormon spirit left. I was still going strong, but my sense that my life and own thoughts were in tension with the LDS Church grew in this period--to the point where 3 years after returning my belief in Mormonism was essentially exhausted.

At the same time, I came back to my life back home, which was basically stalled in place. My friends who had stayed home were juniors or seniors in college. I would be going back to college a sophomore (at least I was at BYU, so didn't feel off schedule). My non-Mormon friends were extremely generous in helping me reacclimatize to real life. We went to go see "Cast Away," which was appropriate because I might as well have been stranded on an island for 2 years and come home.

Ironically, people want your life to move a pace in such a way as if you had stayed home and been focused on getting your career and personal life established anyway. Because, suddenly is everyone (at least all the Mormon everyones) is egging you on to get married and start a family--of course with no practical advice or help on how to make that actually work (other than perhaps trying to line you up with someone ill-suited to you). At this point, this was not very important to me, so this was an early point of tension with the Church and the culture that surrounds it.

Even so, I was dedicated to get on with the program, and planned to live my life as a Mormon. But like others mentioned, I was carrying a few emotional burdens from my missionary experience. I was in Germany. Only one person we taught was baptized, and he did not attend the branch after we left the area. I was assigned to be a branch president for 6 months without much training and support. I didn't think I did a very good job of it, but at the same time, I didn't think that I got a lot of help to be successful. You just get a manual (written as if you were running a fully staffed ward in the corridor), and a visit with a high councilor every month. So, I was carrying a burden wondering what I should have done better. Of course, the problem is not us, but the organization we were working for.

Continuing a bad habit from my missionary days, I questioned my ability to discern the spirit to an almost weirdly obsessive level. This is a really strange way of thinking, in which one begins to believe that one needs to have a spiritual revelation that will help you choose the "right" spouse, "right" major, "right" career. Of course, when that inspiration doesn't really come, one can't feel totally satisfied about making the best decision you can with the information available and just enjoy the ride of life--realizing it will be necessary to modify and adapt life decisions based on external realities. In a sense, I think I was frozen before I finally left the LDS Church. Sure, I was able to accomplish some things, but never felt confident of my ability to make independent decisions. I guess it's what happens when you spend 2 years doing what you are told to do.

As blind mule observed, a mission can have the benefit of introducing you to other kinds of people, and ways of living. I did have a broadened perspective, and appreciated many aspects of life in Germany. For instance, people were more protective of their leisure time than Americans, and less consumed with consumption of stuff--more focused on good life experience (ok and beer!). My studies of secular subjects at BYU, and considering what the implications of those ideas were for "the gospel" also led down some interesting and unexpected paths.

After being home for 2-3 years my testimony diminished, and for all intents and purposes was exhausted when I graduated from BYU. At BYU, I served in a lot of leadership callings, and spent a lot of time at meetings, and other church activities. Some of this involved teaching gospel doctrine or gospel principles classes that raised a lot of questions for me. I began to realize that if I wanted to continue doing all this the rest of my life, I need to sort out my biggest concerns with the LDS Church and decide whether this is true or not.

Going down that road led me to have concerns and doubts, I never knew about.

I walked on that stage realizing that I would probably not live out my days as a Mormon. That was true, but it would be about 2 and a half years later before I officially resigned.