I'm looking for some advice with this post. So I'm "Mormon" to my family. They think I'm the perfect Mormon 17/18 year old. In reality I'm really not and I believe the church is a cult. So me and this girl recently hooked up and lost our virginity and I considered it my act of parting the church (lol) and I feel like I should admit to my very Mormon mother that I just hit a girl up so I can just get an excuse to become "inactive" and before shit plays out on its own, which it somehow always does. Any advice on how I can just get this over with?

I hardly know where to start.

I'll assume that you're still a minor, and I'm leaning toward you being still under 17.

Do you know that you will have somewhere to live if your mom kicks you out? Is your dad in the picture?

Are you saying that you slept with someone just so you could have an excuse for your family to leave the church?

Adults don't say, "hit a girl up." The way you are using language doesn't lead me to believe that you are prepared to support yourself if needed, nor the consequences of a possible pregnancy.

Your options are much more broad than either letting "shit play out on its own," or "just get this over with."

You sound like a pretty normal 14 year old, so I would focus on studies, and start making a list of the things you'll need to break away from Mormonism when the time comes. Use that list to figure out how you'll get the things on that list.

I apologize if you are actually 17, but someone needs to tell you that you still think like a a very young teenager. That's not likely to be your fault, but for right now, what you need most is to HONESTLY accept that, and start doing something about it. You clearly have a decent brain, but still need to learn how to use it.

Ask us about that. There are many more factors that would play into how you choose to leave the church, and upon which your decisions will be based. Whether or not you will consider those things is up to you.

Before you think that I'm "talking down to you," I'd like you to know that I wish that I had had someone to clue me in at your age. My folks did the opposite of teach me how to be an adult, and many years of my life were wasted in the school of hard knocks because of it.

You need to learn how to plan the life you want, instead of being one of those people who have "shit" raining down on them, and doesn't know why. Since no one has taught you this, I'd like to let you know that there are many people willing to help you learn.

What do you want right now?

What kind of life do you want, down the road?

How do you get those things?

I think they dont teach people how to be an adult on purpose especially in the mormon church i thought about this a lot over the years as ive struggled. i learned a ton of things the hard way and still am and ive realized its way easier to control an adult that still thinks like a teenager or a child. I see how children are being controlled and manipulated from a different viewpoint these days and i see exactly how it was done to me.

you tell your mother and she'll have you in front of the bishop 'confessing' before you know it, followed by regular 'interviews' for the next few years to see if you have repented 'enough' to have the topic shelved temporarily, but regularly discussed 'in private' at ward council meetings and any time the bishop talks to your folks.

Yeah, that'll help you break away from the cult. (sarcasm, in case you didn't notice)

If the girl was a member too you will be forced to name names and she'll be in the same about of trouble, if not more. If she is a member and 'confesses' before you do this trouble will come find you.

Really; you need to learn to think things through a bit better and not let your little underpant friend do your thinking for you.

I'm going to talk to you as a nevermo (someone who was never a momon.) Do NOT talk to your parents about your sex life, ever. Your sex life is your business. Not your parents' business, not your friends' business, and certainly not the bishop's or SP's business. Keep your mouth closed. This is between you and the girl only. Make sure that she realizes this as well. You don't want her going on a guilt trip and running to the bishop. When you have sex, you are moving into the adult world. Part of being an adult is not running your mouth to any interested party about your sex life. It is between you and your partner *only*. It is a private activity.

Beyond that, make sure that you are using a condom and that the girl is using something as well (perhaps foam, or whatever else is available.) If both of you are using birth control, the chances of a baby coming into the picture are greatly diminished. You don't want a baby coming into the picture at your age. That would have consequences, including serious and crippling financial consequences, for the next couple of decades.

Regarding the Mormon church, your biggest area of concern right now will be declining (or pretending to delay) a mission. That should be the focus of any talk that that you have with your mom. For instance, you could tell her that you don't feel ready, and that you want to get some schooling under your belt first.

Your biggest focus should be on preparing yourself for the world of work. What are your plans in this regard? Are you planning for college, trade school, the military, or other training? Just getting any old job won't cut it. You will need to have the knowledge and training to get a job that pays well.

Make sure that you have part time employment right now. The money will have to go into a custodial account until you are 18, but on your 18th birthday, you can switch it over to your own account. This money will provide a nest egg for either your education or for moving out of your parents' home at some point.

Please come back to us as often as you need to.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2017 09:44AM by summer.

Wise advice, Summer.

I totally agree with this. Never discuss your sex life with your parents. Be safe, sensible and kind, whatever you do.

I'm also a nevermo, with three adult children (who have never involved me in their sex lives ;-). I have read enough here over the years to understand that your situation is very different from my children's. However, this could turn bad if you rebel too openly. More cunning and a bit more patience may be required.

Tom in Paris



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2017 10:20AM by Soft Machine.

From a female perspective do not talk about your sex life. Its between you and her! Do not involve your parents, or the bishop, or the stake president.

You want to leave the church? Church history gives plenty of reasons. My over 60 year old mother who teaches seminary had never heard about polyandry!

I know the feeling. You feel like the church has such a strong grip on you that you need to exercise the nuclear option. Don't hit that button just yet. Your mom might not deserve it, plus you're well inside the blast radius.

Your job until you're 18 is to pretend you're a good Mormon. I'll admit it kinda sucks, but trust me, as jobs go it could suck a lot more. Mormons are the greatest pretenders. Read the CES letter and Mormonthink. The more you know about church history, the more entertaining your meetings will be. The correlated dogma is boring compared to what actually went down. You could really spice up the discussion. Have fun while getting a reputation. They'll be happy to see you go.

If you have sex with a girl, do it because you love her and make sure both of you are over 17 or it will be illegal. You could be branded for life as a sex offender. Also, while love doesn't last forever, child support lasts 18 years. Condoms are cheaper.

Oh wow, Kendrick or Lamar...or whatever your name is, you need so much advice I don't know where to start. Maybe by recommending that you don't give so many clues as to who you are in your post name.

I can't begin to tell you how dangerous it is for you to have casual sex at your age. Pregnancy will ruin your life. No car, no school, no fun. Just a job and either family expenses or child support...for nearly 20 years. This is just how it effects you. For the young lady involved it will be even worse. You have already shown your selfishness by using this girl for your own rationalization to quit the church. If you lied to her and said what she wanted to hear just to " hit her up", you're a jerk and have a lot to learn. If she was in on your little plan, she's got her own issues. Her life will never be the same in case of pregnancy.

You have already read some good advice about schooling, getting a job and saving money for your future independent life. Do these things and be independent before you tell your mom you're not going to be in church. You're not ready to take care of yourself yet and wait till you are before quitting.

@bobofitz
I was thinking the same thing. Someone on this thread said,"Your sex life is none of your parents business". If you are a minor, sorry, it is their business. If you have a kid, you will need your parents money and time (a lot of each). The whole general sex thing is a different topic, I'm sure we could all chime in.
My advice, try to pull your head out of your $ss. I know its hard at this age but first try some honesty.

Thanks for the reply's. I just want to make a few things clear. I didn't have sex just to leave the church. That wasn't even on my mind until later when I realized that I've "sinned one of the greatest sins." I'm 18 in a few days so that's why I put 17/18. I'm currently starting my first semester in collage and am working on my collage housing situation but I just started a job with commission so it will be a bit until I get pretty good money. Both me and this girl are in love and both used birth control and protection. Once again I'm didn't use it as just some way to leave the church. I really appreciate the reply's. Thank you once again!

It sounds like you are on track. Going to college and having your own housing will help you to start leading your own life. Lots of young people use college as an opportunity to explore how they want to live life independently of their parents (if you need to toe the line for home visits, so be it.)

Seriously, don't worry about the sex. Kids your age have sex. Just use protection.

You have some good resources for birth control and STD advice at hand. College health clinics will help you without batting an eye. That's what they are there for. Planned Parenthood is another resource. Your college health clinic is also a good resource for short term mental health counseling should you ever need it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2017 05:00PM by summer.

Hey! I know you feel like you are trapped and under so much control. However you probably only have a year left, or even 9 or 10 months. Finish school, use protection, move out and go to college. You have a year till you can move out, go ahead and play by the rules but make plans to go. Research how to budget, get basic things (or set aside money) for a dorm or apartment. If you feel the need to break the news, do it later after you don't live with your mom and you're not a minor. <3

Just say, "I'm no longer a believer," and let they play out on its own.

I agree with a lot of the other posts here although I think it's possible that the relationship with your girlfriend/lover (we don't know which) might be being misinterpreted because of the casual way you referenced it.

I think it's possible that it's someone you are serious with and care about and that you didn't have sex just to piss off your mom and have an excuse to get out of the cult. It's likely in my mind that you lost your virginity for other reasons (maybe it just happened, or you weren't concerned about losing it since you didn't believe in the cult's teachings which I think is fair enough), but since it happened you feel it's a good reason to give your mom to get you out.

I personally don't think having sex as a teen is 'wrong' and I doubt others here are trying to judge you for that. I think they are just trying to help you understand the responsibility level involved which based on your post they feel you might not understand. And I agree that's a possibility here. we are hoping you had protected sex and are not about to end up a father prematurely in your life. And hopefully you treat your friend with more respect than you are showing her in your post.

I'm going to assume that you just don't really know how to talk about it all and as a result are referring to everything really casually as a way to cope. Which is totally understandable given the tough spot you are in.

I don't want to stress as others have that your sex life is NOT your parents business (it would only become so if you were not a minor and your girlfriend was since that can be viewed as statutory rape, so be very very careful who you get involved with if you are 18!), nor anyone at church's business. And you really really don't want it to become their business!!! That should NOT be the reason you give for leaving.

There are a million very valid reasons you can give your mom for you desire to no longer attend church and without involving another person (you shouldn't be using your friend here btw, not fair to her).. Do enough research here and on other sites and learn in what ways the 'church' is a fraud.

I know others have said tough it out until you can be independent from family.. I know I had to, because in my family not going was not an option, or it didn't felt that way to me. My family was and is scary hard core true believers and we kids knew what was expected of us. Unrealistic expectations of course as they always are in the cult. So we all learned to lie to our parents. However looking back I wonder if it would have been better had I the courage to speak out and let them know how I felt. BUT I actually still mostly believed in high school so mine was a different story. What I can tell you is that I messed around with my new convert mormon BF and we ended up feeling we had to confess to the bishop and I can tell you none of that was fun at all, was pretty traumatizing. So you really could end up in a forced confession situation if you tell your mom anything.

So I really don't know. If you think you could tell her how you feel about the 'church' and not get kicked out of the house than I think that might be wise. It's really hard to live a lie and to feel your only option is pretending and lying is really not good for one's own psyche. You get into bad habits it may be hard to break later on. But being honest doesn't mean you have to tell anything about your private life. That is not the same as lying and pretending, it's just your own private business. But Mormons don't understand boundaries and likely you haven't been taught healthy boundaries either so that's one of the many things you'll need to learn that you were denied teaching of, once you are safely free of the cult.

Good luck to you, I know it's really rough. But do take care of yourself, consider fully the consequences of what approach you choose to take. Don't just react/ act on your emotions in the heat of the moment (which is very easy to do, as you are justifiably likely very angry and bitter and you probably feel very controlled and trapped), think of how it will affect you and your friend especially. From what another poster said, you have to consider that you will be in the blast zone if you explode.

Take care.

I agree with Shapeshifter about checking the statutory rape laws for your state in light of the fact that you are turning 18 within a few days. You want to make sure that you are complying with the law in that regard. I think you will be fine, but do check.

This post has been really helpful. You are right about me being a bit vague on the situation. I do love this girl and we have been together for some time. And about the legal issues... it's her that has to worry, not me lol.

While I agree one has to be careful, especially in terms of safe sex, unwanted pregnancies, and under-age sex, I would never tell anyone that casual sex is bad, or that pre-marital sex is wrong. Since there is no such thing as "sin," and I would never allow LDS leaders to dictate to me what sin is, I argue that pre-marital sex is NOT wrong. One should have sex and plenty of it, rather than going into marriage as a virgin. I curse myself for going on a mission and buying into the whole "law of chastity" thing, and not having sex with girlfriends who wanted to have sex with me. It's not like the girls were all over me, but there were some three to four who indicated they'd have sex. One of the first girls I went out with at BYU right after I came back from my mission wanted to have sex with me one night, and I refused. I was an idiot. Later on she had sex with one of my good friends, also an RM, and I was pretty jealous, but still steadfast in my idiocy about the "law of chastity." That friend--still a friend, incidentally--was in my student ward, and ended up having sex with several of the girls in my ward. So that no one is confused about my premise, I would like to point out again that I was an idiot.

And don't use sex as way to escape mormonism. I hope you used reliable birth control and considered the possibility of sexually transmitted disease. If you're old enough for sex, you need to mature enough to be responsible.

If you're the same young man that posted on the 'LDS Racism in Black & White' thread about walking out of seminary over the unanswered "blacks and the priesthood" questions, I'd say it should be fairly easy to tell your mother that the mormon church is, and always has been, racist in its writings and doctrine, from its roots in the 19th Century, and no matter what they say now, there's no way a "never-changing" God would act that way.

Having sex is not the way to go about quitting the church.

Just my 2 cents.

Agreed sex is not the answer for rebellion against the church trust me they really dont care and might even laugh that you thought that would be your ticket out it just hurts you more in the end.

Thanks for the reply's. I just want to make a few things clear. I didn't have sex just to leave the church. That wasn't even on my mind until later when I realized that I've "sinned one of the greatest sins." I'm 18 in a few days so that's why I put 17/18. I'm currently starting my first semester in collage and am working on my collage housing situation but I just started a job with commission so it will be a bit until I get pretty good money. Both me and this girl are in love and both used birth control and protection. Once again I'm didn't use it as just some way to leave the church. I really appreciate the reply's. Thank you once again!!

Keep your sex life to yourself, the same goes for your religious views.
It's no one's business and adults don't owe anyone any explanations about either.

Since you will be away at college anyway, why open this can of worms with your family?
Just gradually detach from Mormonism, no one can force you to go.
Enjoy your life.

Just remember, however, that if you're not reporting back that you're going to a college ward and hanging out at the Institute of Religion all the time, the mishies may be sic'ed on you.

First, do not move on with anything doing with the church. Just read my post on here titled "How to tell your parents you dont want to go on a mission". Yep perfect example of what happens when you fake it till you somewhat make it. Don't confess anything. Don't agree to go on a mission. Simple as that, your parents should not need a reason why. If they do tell them you dont feel it's right for you. Get a job imidiately. Save save save. You want to be able to live on your own if needed. Other than that, the rest is up to you. Again, read my post to see what a mess it becomes when you fake it the whole time. Trust me you DO NOT want to do what I did under any circumstance.