Maybe my life would have been easier. I think about this kind of stuff when things get hard. Maybe i would have had mormon jesus on my side through life and appear like one of them with a fake smile on my face running a ponzi scheme for income right now off of other people. Maybe i should have played pretend.

I had to pretend that I had so called friends in the church when they were nowhere to be seen when times got rough. I had to pretend that both harmful and hurtful words from leaders were for my own good. My TBM mom knew that their actions were wrong and un-christlike, but the "they mean well" bandaid didn't stop the bleeding. I was continually told to forgive and forget. I was told to stop finding fault in oh leaders.

I have had a big issues with the leaders for as long as i can remember.

You’ve got too much integrity and honesty to just pretend. But, Badass, I’ve, too, wondered how things might have turned out if I never got out.

I had to go to a sacrament meeting last week. I was bored to death. I successfully fought the urge to yell no fuckin’ way during the talks.

After I got out of my suit and put my jeans on, I realized how lucky I was to figure it out when I did.

Stay strong, Bro. You’re fuckin’ loved here!

Thanks boner i am too d@mn honest even with the government i am. It might be a strength in the long run who knows? You are a better man than me to dress up and sit in a sacrament meeting.

Adam, probably all of us play the "What IF?" game on occasion. Could you have played along and have been happy? Only you know the answer to that.

I dont think i would have been happy to be honest, in my heart i know it isnt real, even as a kid i knew something was off. Would it be nice to play pretend and everybody see me as a god for a day after i did the handshakes and get sealed, i dont think so. I feel i have the advantage in life to not be in that closed fake bubble. Even though my life is hard i dont think it will always be.

I would have had to declare bankruptcy by now.

I doubt it.

The lives of mormons (true-believing or faking it) aren't any easier than the lives of non-mormons.

Mormons are just better at dishonestly putting on a public face that makes it *look* like their lives are easy, "blessed," perfect.

It's an act. And it's fake.

Yes it is an act, a false front and i have to remember that. I was way more miserable in the church then now believe it or not. It didnt help me at all, i wasnt healed by anybody or anything while i was active. It was very disappointing to say the least. I have made good progress since being out even though i face surgery and kind of a financial problem but i am getting it figured out.

You can always go back and play pretend. I doubt that you will say it's better, but at first it could be wonderful as everyone welcomes you back to the fold and is so happy. At least you will know that it was a conscious decision and can try to convince yourself that it's better and you're happier. And maybe you will be. No, you won't be a believer, but you won't be the only pretender sitting in the congregation.

Based on what I know of my wife's first marriage and of the lives of my Mormon in-laws, I can safely say that Mormons do not have an easier go of life.

Most of the Mormons I know are converts, and I see their conversion to Mormonism as just one in a series of poor choices; but they are faithfully "enduring to the end" with the consequences of those choices. The few that are BIC are faithfully following the particular and collective pathologies of their families; and they, too, are dealing with the consequences of choices forced (or coerced) upon them by the church and faithful family members.

I believe that you are better off in the long run cutting your own path in life, forgiving yourself of any stray paths and dead ends you find yourself on, and readjusting your route as you continue to where you ultimately want to go.

Mormonism is an annoying backseat driver who constantly berates you for every wrong turn you make.

Yes an annoying backseat driver is a great name for it.

I also was treated poorly by leaders. I was my parent's most devout child and, although they were disillusioned with mormonism, argued about whose fault it was I left. I still have people tell me, "But you did it all right and look what happened to your life." When I took a quiz on facebook, it said I would have been a "nun" in another life. You can't believe how many people thought that was hilarious as that was me.

All my friends were out sleeping around, etc., and they all found their one and only when they were like 19 and 20, and here I was 27 and not married. I couldn't figure it out. Imagine my SHOCK when I found out the first mormon who had ever really dated me much was gay. This was a test. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What a test.

My life turned into a total disaster. I left the church. My life isn't perfect, but it is a hell of a lot better than it was while I tried to be the perfect little mormon girl. I ask myself what if, too. I could have married 3 nonmormons before my gay husband came along. I had started dating my roommate's brother and my boyfriend/husband was sure I'd marry him, so he asked me to marry him. I "know" I would have ended up with the other guy (an ex-druggie, then active mormon).

But one thing I can tell you for sure is that my life is MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better outside of mormonism than it was in mormonism. My therapist (exmo) tells me that he and I both tested mormonism to its very limits and it failed us.

Oh, and yesterday I was just wasting time while in Brigham City. I drove by the old office of R. Dean Udy. He was really handsome and had an insurance business I believe. Had a big house with tennis courts, etc. He is in prison. He was a stake president and maybe even a regional representative. Look him up on google.

Pardon the o/t response, but your post reminded me of the expectations placed upon me growing up in a very Catholic family.

I had issues with the Catholic Church, and religions in general, from a young age, but I played along and properly regurgitated everything I was taught in catechism. I was an alter boy in my early teens before becoming a regular lector, often pulling double or triple masses when other lectors couldn't make it.

Everybody thought I was the perfect Catholic boy, destined to become a priest like two of my uncles. Family and local priests put the full-court press on me to go to the seminary after graduating from high school.

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth when I moved out of the house and, no longer subject to my parents' rules, stopped having anything to do with any religion whatsoever. The family eventually got over it.

I don't think pretending is in you, Adam.

D@mn it no it is not haha. I could not pull it off even when i tried my best and i thought jesus was the chief commander of the church haha.

No, I don't think pretend is a good idea.
Take for example the human lifestyle, it isn't the same nowadays than in 16th century because we have evolved as a society mostly because our tools and ideas have evolved too.
So why would you do the same things that you used to do when you didn't know the truth that you know now?.
IMHO Adam, you have to evolve too. It will take you time but now you have the opportunity to know yourself better than ever and find your way to happiness.
Be positive, now you know the truth and you are free from the chains of the cult.

I do have to evolve and i cant stay in the glory days of the 1990's anymore haha. God i miss those days.

You could stay for the love bombing, then leave again.

Thats what i was thinking of doing. Build up my self esteem a little bit.