I had met since divorcing my abusive non-Mormon ex.
Most of the Mormon guys I had met tended to be long-faced and pious. While DH was (and remains) a true believer, he is full of love, kindness, laughter, and mischief. And the tenderest, gentlest soul I have ever met.
Twenty-six years and counting, and I love him more very day. We are just about the happiest couple I know.
We know about - and make plenty of room for - each other's quirks. And we have our share of them. He doesn't usually like BBC productions, and I love them, so when he is out for errands or to see the occasional client for counseling, I get out the BBC stuff I have, brew up some tea, and have a lap cat. (The cats swap out laps partway through, or rotate if I extend the foot rests on my sofa. One cat has her spot on my lap; the other prefers my shins.
Religion - could not tolerate being thought of as "lacking something," while I might be thinking the same about a partner. It would be an issue without mutual respect, but I would not want to be *always* second just because it's Sunday, and I wouldn't mind occasionally attending a moderate church. Sharing the time would be important.
Finances - not as important as:
Character - must enjoy learning, exploring, be as honest and forthright as I am, accepting and respectful for other's peoples' choices and states of being. Never, ever any "angry" touching. Likes nature and has respect for planet and other living things. Self-awareness, deals honestly with others and life.
Family conflicts - Flexible, but primary relationship and loyalty is partner for both. Any "nuts" on either side kept at bay by that partner, as a responsibility to the primary relationship. Family "emergencies" would be "real," not drama. Each partner generally supportive of and work required to maintain healthy family relationships.
Enjoy doing some stuff together, some stuff with other people. Laughter sought and earned. Christmas is any day of the year. I'll surprise you, you surprise me.
Sometimes quietly read books in bed, while parts occassionaly brush, somewhere aware of her/his breathing.
Theme parks, boats, parks, flea markets, dogs.
Live.
Any of this sound anything remotely like it would involve dicpics? If it's live, you don't need pics, which is really a sad substitute.
GNPE Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > What are your biggest Red Flags about choosing a (new) partner? > > -Religion ? Generally not very important (but no mormons, JWs or SDA).
> -Finances ? Not important.
> - Personality/ character issues ? (specifically, please) She must have a good sense of humour and to be neither egoist nor controlling.
> - Family conflicts/ expectations ? Family conflicts: Not important Expectations:she must have realistic expectations.
I did some time in the Mormon singles, and this question would come up, all the time. The men wanted someone "physically fit", and the women wanted someone tall, with a good job.
The bottom line is that no one mentioned "honesty."
If I had been looking for integrity, I would not have been conned by a man after my money, who had beaten his sister and assaulted his neighbors. I would not have been conned by a serial cheater, who cheated when we were dated, and on our honeymoon, and when I was in the hospital having our children. I didn't know who they were, because they lied.
Number Two on my list is "sanity." No psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, bi-polar, shitzophrenics, or murderous thugs.
Abuse: Controlling and/or manipulative behavior fits into this category. Whether it's toward me or someone else, the minute I see a pattern of abusive behavior, I nope right the fuck outta there.
Adultery: Now I'm all for open and/or poly relationships. What I mean by "adultery" is "going outside the relationship agreements without discussing it first." THAT's cheating.
Addiction: I'm all for drinking and smoking a little weed. People can be addicted to coffee and nicotine. I'm talking about obvious, interferes-with-your-life addiction problems.
Religiosity: Nope. Just won't do it. Even people who claim to be "spiritual but not religious," IMO, tend to be more religious than they claim. Any indication of belief in an invisible diety, I'm not having it. I just don't roll that way.
Poor fitness: I work out and work really hard to take care of my body. I don't feel "equally yoked" with someone who is a total couch potato and who refuses to even go for a walk with me and the dog. Not requiring a bodybuilder/gym rat by any means, but shouldn't be allergic to exercise and should eat healthy food for the most part. Lives on beer and pizza while playing video games on the couch all night? Nope.
Finances: The only thing I'm concerned about is does this person bring in enough money to pay his bills and feed himself? Don't need a rich guy, not interested in his money. But I'm not carrying a freeloader on my back either. I don't care who makes more and I don't care if he's freelance/hustling or whatever. As long as he's not worried about where his next meal is coming from and is looking to me to provide it. Should be able to afford date nights -- because I can and would like to switch off who pays for dates.
Family: No small children. Teenagers/college age/adult children, fine. I am not playing stepmommy. There's reasons I didn't have kids and I'm not going to partner up with someone who expects me to step into a pseudo-parental role.
Interests: Must love dogs. Must love music. If I can't talk to him about music, I have no idea what to talk about all day. Bonus points if he's into movies and art as well. Marriage material if he's into Indy cars or is a gearhead/loves racing.
Emotional Awareness: Can he express himself using his words? Will he tell me what's bothering him or will he pout and sulk and not communicate? Does he respect me as a person and is he concerned with my needs? Can he listen or does he want to problem-solve without really listening? Does he understand the concept of emotional labor or will I have to do all that too?
Important: Character, integrity, authenticity. Is he honest, can I trust him? Is he who he presents himself to be? Can he be relied upon to keep his word?
Last guy I dated claimed spiritual but not religious. So I couldn't understand why he objected whenever I used Jesus Christ as a cuss. If you're not religious, then why the fuck do you care? Then it came out. He was "studying" this cult called A Course In Miracles. Cue eye rolling. I go on the Google to find out about this "spirituality." I find it's just another cult designed to separate suckers from their money.
I don't need that judgy shit; GTFO of my life. Dude is gone. It's a miracle! LOL
Depends on your age and gender. I've been divorced over 20 years. Probably the first 10 years I really wanted to be in a relationship and dated a lot. I realize now that I dodged some bullets because things that I didn't see as red flags, should have been. I think I wanted someone to take care of me. And now, the biggest red flag is someone who acts like they need to take care of me.
Because intelligence, ability to think for oneself, independence, sense of humor, responsibility in physical relationships, etc. are what attracts me now, it pretty naturally weeds out fundamental religious people and those whose main goal is finding a wife. And I dont' have to worry much about red flags because those kind of guys are not attracted to me. We figure each other out real fast. I love this part of my life.
I hope your good memories will sustain you. A loving spouse is irreplaceable. May you find love and companionship within your family and circle of friends. ((hugs))
It is tiring reading all the requirements. Odds of finding someone meeting the specifications is slim. Why bother?
And besides, people can fake it while dating, and act nice, or act like they're interested in what you like. Then if you get married or get committed, the real person comes out. At which time you can be taken to the cleaners if you divorce or split.
That's why you date for a couple years before you get married. IF you get married at all. That is not one of the requirements. I worry about being taken to the cleaners as well, because I tend to date guys who have no money and either no job or a lousy one. Nobody wants to have to carry their partner on their back all the time. That's not a partner; that's just a burden.
But for the most part, it sounds like most people just wanted to be treated with basic respect and thoughtful consideration. That doesn't seem like such a strict "requirement" to me. If you don't fit all the requirements, then you're probably not a good match for that person. And vice versa.
What are your biggest Red Flags about choosing a (new) partner?
-Religion ? Ive dated Christian, Catholic, Pagan and Atheist. I don't CARE what they have been, as long as A-they know who they are and accept my beliefs as my own and don't feel the need to convert me and B-do not feel their way is the only right way.
-Finances ? Honesty and fairness. I've had boyfriends who were well off, and some that were poor. I could care less, but lying to me about your financial reality is a deal breaker. Expecting me to be a sugarmama or thinking I can be bought (or $ being a substitute for sincerity) is a deal breaker.
- Personality/ character issues ? (specifically, please) No addictions. That can be anything that is not healthy or balanced. Dishonesty and emotionally shutting down/going non verbal really bore me and cause distance. Narcissistic ego maniacs need not apply. I love down to earth and relationship focused with someone who has their adult life balanced and well rounded.
- Family conflicts/ expectations ? I don't introduce my kids unless a serious relationship develops. No one has made it this far yet, because so far all Ive met are dudes who want a meaningful overnight relationship. Once I figure out what their goal is...I move on.
-Job History...seriously, someone who cant keep a consistent job is a red flag for me. It is not so much what someone does for a living, but if they cant keep a job more than a few months..Im going to question their ability to be consistent. Another red flag is someone who works too much. I declined to date a guy who admitted he works 80+ Hrs a week. Why? because seeking someone every two weeks for a few hours is never going to amount to much connection
-Talking about the ex(es) all the time. Are they still hung up on them? Still blame them? Still wondering what they are up to or how they are to blame? Please do yourself a favor and move on. This person is not ready for someone new in their life or they take no personal accountability for their part in the break up.
-My date has no affection of any kind. I mean hand holding, a kiss, a hug. SOMETHING. I am "touchy feely" and I do give hugs a lot (I ask first) and if someone is obviously very cold about a simple greeting like that, I know it wont work at all. Nothing wrong with someone who is more reserved, but that does not work in a partnership with me. I also enjoy my own sexuality in a committed relationship. If I date someone who is too prudish or too focused on sexuality before bond..I tell them why. If the conversation is disrespected...Im out.
I also have issues with partners who are VERY affectionate in private, but cold in public. Im not taking about huge displays of PDA, but someone who acts like they don't know me and keeps an arms length away in public, but talks to me in private like Im his personal love slave...yep, dealbreaker.
In a nutshell, honesty, sincerity, affection, communication and physically and emotionally in good health.
No wonder Im single eh? :) But, I would rather have myself in happy solitude than in a dysfunctional relationship. RMM
Its a dam miracle anyone gets married...and another if they stay married...the term fools rush in I'm sure describes young folks getting hitched...people change...things change...the only guarantee is you'll have a front row seat...old joke...you know why divorce is so expensive ....it's worth it...by the time you've got any answers...the questions wont matter