Posted by:
steve benson
(
)
Date: May 31, 2011 02:17AM
From the Mormon God to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith himself, 'tis true for those of you sailing the ocean blue: Water Kills The Wicked.
Read it here in Mormonism's foggy, soggy scriptures, the "Doctrine and Covenants," Section 61, verses 4-6, 14-20:
". . . [T]here are many dangers upon the waters, and more especially hereafter; For I, the Lord, have decreed in mine anger many destructions upon the waters; yea, and especially upon these waters. Nevertheless, all flesh is in mine hand, and he that is faithful among you shall not perish by the waters. . . . Behold, I, the Lord, in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters. Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh shall be safe upon the waters. And it shall be said in days to come that none is able to go up to the land of Zion upon the waters, but he that is upright in heart. And, as I, the Lord, in the beginning cursed the land, even so in the last days have I blessed it, in its time, for the use of my saints, that they may partake the fatness thereof. And now I give unto you a commandment that what I say unto one I say unto all, that you shall forewarn your brethren concerning these waters, that they come not in journeying upon them, lest their faith fail and they are caught in snares; I, the Lord, have decreed, and the destroyer rideth upon the face thereof, and I revoke not the decree. I, the Lord, was angry with you yesterday, but today mine anger is turned away. "
Trouble is that the above scriptures are so silly-soaked that even Mormon apostles have been unwilling to throw Elohim a lifeline to rescue such rib-tickling writ from ridicule.
Special Lifeguard for Christ, Neal A. Maxwell, in a question and answer session during a missionary zone conference, reportedly pooh-poohed the idea of God cursing the waters, in explaining why LDS missionaries weren't being allowed into the surf:
"[I]t [the ban on water sports by Mormon missionaries] has nothing to do with Satan having power over the waters, and everything to do with some [LDS missionaries] not knowing how to swim. It is just safer to cut out all water activities than to have [them] horsing around in water and perhaps having a missionary who was not a good swimmer get into trouble."
Also failing to invoke the God-revealed notion that Satan rules the waves is Mormon Church spokesman Scott Trotter, who doesn't say a lick about Lucifer lurking over the lakes:
"The [LDS] Church takes any necessary precautions to ensure the safety of its missionaries from natural disaster, public health threats or other potentially harmful situations. As a precaution, missionaries are advised not to swim during their missions."
Could it be that Joseph Smith, Mormonism's founder, had himself in the water floundered and thereafter received a "revelation" blaming his life-imperiling experience on the Devil?
In his diary entry of 11 August 1831, he records:
"On the 9th, in company with 10 Elders, I left Independence landing for Kirtland. We started down the river in canoes, and went the first day as far as Fort Osage, where we had an excellent wild turkey for supper.
"Nothing very important occurred till the third day, when many of the dangers so common upon the western waters, manifested themselves; and after we had encamped upon the bank of the river, at McIlwaine's Bend, Brother Phelps, in open vision by daylight, saw the destroyer in his most horrible power, ride upon the face of the waters; others heard the noise, but saw not the vision."
"The next morning after prayer, I received . . . [D&C 61]."
("History of the Church," vol. 1, pp. 202-03.)
What exactly occurred on that river trip that caused Joe to flip?
According to LDS Church historian B. H. Roberts, it may have come down to a wicked combination of in-fighting and slow-boating:
"During the three days upon the river some disagreements and ill feeling had developed among the brethren and explanations and reconciliations had become necessary; it had also been discovered that progress on their journey by the river in canoes was slow, and hence it became necessary for [them] to find a more expeditious means of travel than by the canoes.
"The greater part of the night at McIlwaine's Bend was devoted to these matters. The brethren became reconciled to each other, and those whose affairs more especially cried haste started overland the next morning for St. Louis, and the rest of the company continued the journey via the river."
("Comprehensive History of the Church," vol. 1, pp. 262-63)
Ezra Booth offers a similar explanation, recording that during an on-the-water hissy fit, the traveling party's watercraft nearly sunk and almost fatally dunked Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon.
Well, who'd-a-thunk?:
" . . . Booth related that on the morning of the departure from Independence, there was animosity and discord among the travelers. On the third day, some of the men became so disgruntled that they refused to use the paddles and some of the canoes nearly capsized. Joseph and Sydney's canoe hit a snag and turned over, nearly drowning the two men. Booth claimed the Smith and Rigdon were then very timid about entering the water again. Some of the other elders chastised Joseph and Sydney about their 'cowardice.'
Member of the Quorum of the Twelve Hyrum M. Smith and co-author Janne M. Sjodahl (who later became an editor for the LDS Church magazine the "Improvement Era") note on p. 366 of their faithfully oft-cited "Doctrine & Covenants Commentary" (a book first published in Liverpool, England, with Mormon Church approval) that, curiously enough, devout Mormons believed Lucifer only has limited jurisdiction over the water: meaning he controls natural water routes, but not artificially-constructed ones:
"There were several canals. Some took the travelers around the rapids in the large rivers; others connected navigable rivers. The instruction not to journey on the river did not include such artificial waterways."
Yet, as one thinker has taken note, this notion just won't float:
"Last I checked, . . . the drowning properties of water in an artificial waterway are exactly the same as those in a natural waterway. Though it may be more difficult for Satan to bring out the waverunners on a smaller artificial waterway."
("Why Can't LDS Mormon Missionaries Swim? Water, Water, Everywhere But Not a Drop to Swim In," and Annalise Shumway, "LDS Believe Satan Is Real, But the Stories Aren't Always," in "Salt Lake Tribune, " 2 July 2005")
Even today, faithful Mormons are convinced that Lucifer reigns supreme over the water and that, therefore, it is not advisable to risk a sink or swim.
Just ask self-described Mormon Answer Man "Gramps," who on his website declares:
" . . . [N]ot only is swimming prohibited [for Mormon missionaries], but also other activities that may be either dangerous or not within the spirit of their calling. Missionaries should be particularly circumspect about activities 'on the waters,' as there is indeed both scriptural and historic precedent for avoiding unnecessary exposure."
("Is Our World the Most Wicked? Does Satan Rule Water?, at "ask at: "Ask Gramps")
Indeed, according to so-called "Mormon physics" as outlined in modern-day Mormon scriptures, the Mormon God "has cursed water and turned it over to Satan to control. Satan controls bodies of water, especially rivers."
("Mormon Science and Space Doctrines")
Yet another faithful Mormon attempts to calm the waters of skepticism over LDS belief in Satan, Lord of the Surf, by assuring readers that water is really only dangerous if you are caught sinning while swimming.
One inquiring mind asked:
"My uncle told me when I was young and was allowed to swim by my parents but, my cousins weren't, it's because Lucifer had control over the water on Sunday or something like that. I seemed to be the only one in charge of the pool that day. I even looked around and the only one I saw in there was myself. My cousins looked sad because they couldn't swim too."
This LDS expounder of the eternal explains the doctrine of death by spiritually unsupervised drowning:
"Now, the important thing about this that many people miss is that we, as LDS, do not believe the water to be inherently evil or that swimming/bathing is dangerous.
"Instead, it is directly related to one's obedience to Heavenly Father and the Savior. If you are in the act of rebellion while in the water, you are more susceptible to Satan's power. But that goes pretty much at anytime. When you are disobedient to the commandments of God, you are more likely to be influenced/affected by Satan.
"Your uncle probably felt that swimming on Sunday was not keeping the Sabbath day holy. In that respect, he would be right to keep his children out of the water, as he would have felt for them to swim would be sinful and therefore placing them directly in Satan's path. He was not lying to his children, he was trying to protect them.
"As to whether or not swimming is breaking the Sabbath, you must decide for yourself. But I will leave with you a quote from Bruce R. McConkie that I think implies that it is breaking the Sabbath to swim that day:
"'Sunday being the Lord's Day, it is a day on which men should do the Lord's work, and do it exclusively. There should be no unnecessary work of a temporal nature, no recreation, no unnecessary travel, no joy riding and the like. The Sabbath is a day for affirmative spiritual worship, aside from which "though shalt do none other thing, only let thy food be prepared with singleness of heart." (D&C 59:13)'"
("Resolved Question: Mormons (LDS), Is It True That It Is Against the Rules to Go Swimming on Sunday? Why?")
In the end, Mormons should fervently and constantly remind themselves that in the eternal scheme of things, "the workings of Satan" can readily be detected in certain realms of reality, as explained thusly by one LDS missionary (accompanied by a beautiful audio backdrop of Mormon hymnal piano-playing):
" . . . [A]s we're all taught from our parents, Satan has control of three things: the water, flat tires and the Chinese."
("The Three Nephites," in "Elder Gandy: Mormon Missionary")
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/31/2011 02:18AM by steve benson.