Posted by:
Scrooge's MIL
(
)
Date: December 15, 2017 03:33AM
Please help! I don't know how to respond to our famly "Scrooge."
My son's wife does not attend our family parties and activities. My son enjoys us, and he shows up alone, saying his wife is sick or has to work, etc. Later, we find out on Fakebook that she was out drinking or hanging out with her sister. She has a very checkered past, and my son is her 4th husband. She has lived with numerous other men. She gets fired from her jobs, because of her nasty temper and bad attitude. My son had never been married before, never lived with anyone, either.
Everyone is afraid of this daughter-in-law. She is quick to take offense, and in response to someone's innocent words, will suddenly clam up, and stomp out of the room, and not speak to that person for many months. She has gone 6 months, without speaking to me, and for 6 years, then 2 years without speaking to her own mother (who seems to be a nice person, and who has helped her financially). She bullies my son, and is a compulsive gambler. My son is very unhappy. He knows she doesn't love him. My son's friends and his brother think DIL is after my son's money. She got him to add her name as owner of his house. She bullied him into buying her a $65,000 Mercedes, and when she wrecked it (her fault), made him buy another one, only this year's model.
My son and his wife keep pestering me about my Will, and also pestering my other children about it. This is very disturbing to my other children. What do I do about that?
Every year, my son and his wife dictate to the rest of us (10 of us) what time I should have my Christmas family celebration. My other children and grandchildren have their own in-laws and extended family to juggle into the mix, according to all of their schedules. Their families are bigger, so it is simpler for us to accommodate them. My son with the bad wife have no kids, and only her mother and sister.
I have been informed by my son and wife that they are coming over to our house at 10:30 and leave at 12:00 on Christmas morning. In previous years, people have been late, because a baby needed feeding and changing, or they needed to spend extra time with their other grandmother, or they had to drive from Bountiful, etc--very legitimate reasons. My son and wife blow up at these late-comers, and throw the gifts around and say, "Open this. Let's hurry up get this show on the road! We have other shit to do today." My other son wanted to punch their lights out. DIL loves drama.
Usually, she sits in the chair nearest the door, keeps her coat on, scowls, never eats anything with the rest of us, and texts the whole time. Occasionally, she throws out a rude remark: "So Slow Sam built a tower--brilliant--my nephew could build an entire city out of leggos when he was two." "Little Miss Clumsy fell down again, Ha-ha." "Does Horsie-Girl (this is what DIL calls one of my other daughters-in-law) have to go to a family birthday party for their chicken?" She lives to put down other people.
She and my son love to criticize restaurants on a restaurant website. We went out to eat with them, and were shocked at the cruel way my son's wife treated the waitress. My other son sneaked back and gave the waitress extra tip money. It seems like my daughter-in-law hates everybody. My daughter had a new baby, five months ago, and the DIL still has not seen the baby. She never even texted or called to congratulate my daughter, or to see how the baby is getting along. This hurts my daughter's feelings. This DIL and my son live one block away from my daughter and from me. This is not the way a loving family behaves. DIL's family is dysfunctional, and I'm afraid it is rubbing off onto my son, and onto the rest of us, by making us angry and upset--all that negativity!
I wonder if she is trying to split up the family, or at least separate my son from our family support, so she can continue to bully him.
We don't intrude or drop in at their house, because we know we are not welcome. We give them appropriate gifts for their birthdays. We are very careful of what we say and do, to not offend anyone. It is against our principles to gossip and bad-mouth people (I'm doing this to you on RFM anonymously, because it's the last straw, and a cry for help). We didn't even know about DIL's past until recently, because they hid it from us. We have let the DIL's behavior slide, thus allowing her to get away with her rudeness.
Today, the DIL and son declared via text that the brothers and sisters and other adults are NOT allowed to exchange Christmas gifts, and we can't even draw names, either. Only the children will receive gifts. The trouble is, that most of us have finished our Christmas shopping, and have already bought gifts for all the adults. DIL and son always try to get out of giving gifts, yet my son wants to join in and take charge of our Christmas, and play with the kids. My son makes plenty of money, and they give DIL's mother and sister very expensive gifts, like a fancy gas barbecue and a cruise to the Carribean. They gave us each a pair of socks last year, and that was fine with everyone. No complaints.
So--do all of us return the (medium-priced) gifts we have already thoughtfully picked out and purchased for my DIL and son?
So--do we follow their orders to not give EACH OTHER adult gifts, so the son and DIL don't "feel bad" and because they didn't get us anything? We will surely make them angry that we didn't follow their orders.
My other children, and the grandchildren can't get to my house as early as 10:30. As head of my household, I have tried in past Christmasses to set the time at sometime after 12:00, to be more flexible and relaxed, to please the majority, but DIL and son ignored me. DIL and son came at 10:30, regardless, and complained that no one was here yet. After everyone rushed to get here, and we started opening the gifts (they insist on opening them together) DIL stood up, in the middle of what we were doing, and looked at her watch, and announced that it was time for her and my son to leave. My son looked at her in surprise, and said, "We don't have to be anywhere." She blew up at him, made a disgusting spectacle, and packed up all their gifts, and made him leave with her. Everyone was upset.
We don't deserve this for Christmas, or in our life.
I don't want anyone fighting on Christmas. I don't want anyone insulting me and my family members behind our back or to our face. We don't want someone judging and criticizing our Christmas. That's why we are afraid to be confrontational. Confrontation only adds fuel to the fire, and makes DIL more unpleasant.
Also, I'm tired of trying to second-guess my DIL, and sitting all alone, afraid to mention it, and going back over things I might have said, that might have made her angry. Maybe she is in the middle of a 2-year spell of not speaking to me or my daughter, for some specific reason we will never know. Or, is she just being rude in general.... I'm worn out. I have tried everything.
Can our family rise about this dysfunctional DIL? Is there a wise, loving Christmas-spirited response to rude people like this?