Posted by:
Battered Heart
(
)
Date: January 03, 2018 09:27AM
Having suffered a similar loss in 2003, I know that we can do no more than surround you, bear witness to your devastation, and try to comfort you as your knees buckle.
We are here, we are real people, and most of us would give much to stand next to you, be there with you as you struggle through each hour.
I also thought of the cement pillars along the highway, how simple it would be. There was no single reason I chose to survive, but I think the strongest was that I was too angry, too stubborn to allow the illness that took her to claim me as a victim also. I don't think I thought of it as disrespect to her at the time, but I agree now that you are correct. It would have been the ultimate insult.
Having her ripped so unfairly, so wrongly, from my life was a constant stream of self-blame, unrimitting flux of rage, pain and the vacuum the illness left behind. There was no note, no reason, nothing but the wish that I had that moment to live over, to be there, to stop her.
With the passage of time, reason slowly re-awakened in my brain, and I realized that most importantly, whatever my loss, her suffering was no more, and it had been her choice to end her constant pain, pain I could not take from her. That's difficult to balance against all the possibility, all the hope I had for her life, but those visions were not the reality of her life. I also realized that even if I had a do-over, would I, for my own selfish reasons, ask her to stay, knowing that her pain brought my comfort? That was such a difficult question, because there still lives in me the illusion that I could - would - somehow, find a "solution" to her pain.
She inadvertently had found one for me. For the rest of my life, I will carry the pain. I told her many times that I would take it from her if I could, and though I had no hand in her choice, she unintentionally made a way to let me carry it. I don't think that she knew what she was doing, but it was done none the less.
And I will. I will carry this. I will get my butt up every day, and stand witness to the beauty of her, the joy I found in her, and the gravity of her loss. The price has been very high, but I now see it as a cost I will bear, because she chose it. Over the years, my muscles have developed.
I have never written it out like this, so I apologize for any clumsiness. I wanted to share the burden we each carry, for our beloved children.
My heart is with you.