Posted by:
Mother Who Knows
(
)
Date: October 06, 2019 02:56AM
Lazylizard, does your abusive brother go to the Sunday dinners?
If he's there, this changes everything!
My brother was the neighborhood bully, and he was 6 years older than I. My parents always said that they couldn't control him, so they allowed him to do anything he wanted to me, whenever he felt like it. I always had bruises, a black eye, a bloody nose, from his assaults. He broke my toys and bicycles. He frightened my friends and, later my boyfriends. I dated some boys I really liked, and my brother used to walk into the living room where we were talking, and he would be wearing nothing but his temple garments--and I could never live down the humiliation. When I got bigger, I could out-run him, and climb a tree or jump the high fence in our back yard, to escape. I also wore oxford shoes, as part of my school uniform, and learned to kick--hard. Whenever I would defend myself, or scream in pain, my parents punished ME! I can't believe your parents did the same thing to you. My parents said I was "making a fuss" and they blamed me for provoking him. No child in their right mind would deliberately provoke a monster like my brother.
My brother lived at home, and was always there, every day, and for every family dinner, every holiday. I left home the day after high school graduation, never to return. I visited on vacations, and it was torture. When I had children, my brother started abusing them--and that was unacceptable. I invited my parents to come and see me at my house, instead. We had a family cabin, and my brother would show up, uninvited, and my children and I would just go home, and it would be the end of our vacation. I stopped going to family reunions, because my brother would corner me in a hallway or in the woods, and put his hands all over my body, then run away, before I could kick him. Nasty!
If by going to Sunday dinner, you are putting yourself in harm's way, with your brother, then you have a right to stay away. Invite your parents to your home, or to meet you for lunch, without your brother. If you do go to dinner, stay at the table, where it is safe, then do the dishes in the kitchen with your mother, and immediately leave. Say you have to get home early to prepare for Monday. Everyone needs to prepare for Mondays!
If your family is normal, then once a month seems reasonable. I'm a mother and grandmother, and like some of these posters, love to have my family over for dinner, but I don't have them on Sundays, because my children's in-laws live in town, and they seem to "own" Sundays. We also do something fun once a month, like ski or hike, etc. About once a month, I go over to each one of their houses, to babysit, or to play with the grandchildren, and give the parents a bit of a break from their kids. Sometimes I take the kids out to the park, or to McDonald's, etc. They each see me about twice a month, which gives them distance and freedom. I get to see kids almost once a week, altogether. Plus, I go to their games and performances, and help out at their birthday parties, etc.
You could invite your parents to something YOU do, or to a movie, or something, instead of dinner. It doesn't always have to be Sundays, or always for dinner at their house.
Casually say you'd like to mix it up a bit. I like the idea of making another date, each time you turn them down. "I won't be at dinner next Sunday, but I'll be there the Sunday after that."
Be casual, like it's no big deal.