I just came to a pathetic realization the other day: my whole life has always revolved around making my mom happy.

She can either be really nice or really mean. And I've realized now that she's only nice to me when I'm falling in line and acting interested in the Church. If I talk to her about gospel topics, she's energetic and pleasant.

But, as soon as I express my doubts, she calls me selfish, lazy, unspiritual, pathetic, etc and won't talk to me for days or threatens to kick me out.

I've had to put on this face for the past few years while I finish college and get a better paying job so I can get out of here (preferably out of state), but I've realized that I can't keep faking this forever.

It's really hard, but for the sake of my own sanity, I'll probably have to just come out and say that I can't do Mormonism anymore and just want to live my own life. But, I'm scared to because I don't want to be cut off. I'm already really depressed and lonely, so if I can't even have a parent to talk to anymore, I don't know what I'd do.

Anyone else deal with this?

I've never dealt with it but have a brother-in-law who does. She sounds controlling at the very least, but more likely narcissistic, toxic, and possibly either Cluster B or borderline personality disorder (keeping in mind that a person cannot be reliably diagnosed by a description transmitted over the Internet). you will only have peace when you set your terms and your boundaries and you stick to them. If you wish to be happy, she can be in your life according to your terms or not in your life at all.

How much longer do you have before finishing college? As painful as it might be, you may be wise to play the game until you have your degree if you're at least halfway through. Think of feigning interest in the church as a job that you don't particularly enjoy, much like flipping burgers. It's a means to an end.

If you're an underclassman, you might want to think seriously about increasing your student loans or looking into the possibility of bunking with other relatives.

Please don’t suggest op takes more student loans without knowing anything about the op’s economic situation, course of study, or employment opportunities post graduation.

You may not be familiar with the student loan scam but its nearly as bad as payday lenders, totals 1.3b billion in outstanding debt, and can’t be written off in a bankruptcy and by law the terms can’t be renegotiated. Even if op is in first semester fresh year , if mama will pay he should avoid student loans like the plague.
Op should swallow his dignity and have mama pay. If he gets caught in the student loan scam it could ruin him. Forever.

Correction:

Total student loan debt is 1.3 trillion. As in

1,300,000,000,000 dollars.

Which is 1300 billion, or over a million millions.

You are right, it is a scam.

Few young people know what they are getting into - easy to sign up for all the "free" money.

If it was your dad abusing you, we wouldn't be calling it a personality disorder. He would be called evil and abusive. That is your mom.

Personally, I have a hard time rewarding abusers, and would be out of there tomorrow.

You can leave without dying. Kids have done that forever, at younger ages.

Who told you that you have to go to college now? That is part of the indoctrination - every kid must go to college, even if they don't know why. The education industry pushes that, with help of government which throws endless money at education, driving up tuition, and making it easy for kids to get in debt.

You can drop out and get a full-time job and valuable experience and an apartment or house you share with others. Save up some money. Figure out where you want to head in life.

You can go to school part-time at a community college which is cheaper. You can get general courses done, or learn trades.

As mentioned above, college is oversold and is a bit of a scam. I know several young people, including my daughters, with debt from degrees they don't use.

I took the wrong path getting my advanced degree - was trying to be what I was told. Take time to see what you're interested in.

And besides, if you wanted to be an engineer, doing mechanic or construction work first helps you know what you're designing. My daughter married and engineer that she had to teach how to change a tire. Real world experience is valuable.

And all that money is making college worse. Making the customer happy means everyone gets an ‘A’. It devalues accreditation. Professors make less money than they used to. Many adjunct professors, with PhDs, can’t afford to live on what they’re paid. Meanwhile, administrators pull down CEO salaries. It’s like warlords building fiefdoms. The easy money is tribute.

CateS Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Please don’t suggest op takes more student loans
> without knowing anything about the op’s economic
> situation, course of study, or employment
> opportunities post graduation.
>
> You may not be familiar with the student loan scam
> but its nearly as bad as payday lenders, totals
> 1.3b billion in outstanding debt, and can’t be
> written off in a bankruptcy and by law the terms
> can’t be renegotiated. Even if op is in first
> semester fresh year , if mama will pay he should
> avoid student loans like the plague.
> Op should swallow his dignity and have mama pay.
> If he gets caught in the student loan scam it
> could ruin him. Forever.


A student has to br careful in obtaining student loans, but there are fields of education for which it is safe to go into debt.

There will be other answers coming, but right now what I would consider most important is that, regardless of the other things you have mentioned...

...NOT getting kicked out of your mother's home until you are capable of financially supporting yourself should be your first priority.

You need a safe (and stable) place to land for as long as you are in your initial transition efforts.

I do know that everyone here can empathize with what you are going through, and wishing you all the best in every way...because everyone here knows how difficult your situation really is.

I would quit discussing church with your mom. If she asks what happened in class, then tell her, but take your lack of belief off the table as a topic of discussion. If mom asks about your belief, just have something ready to say such as, "Well, I'm attending church, aren't I?" A good technique is to turn a question around on the person asking. "Tell me about YOUR belief. In what ways has it been meaningful to you?" etc.

A really great way to refocus a discussion with your mom is to ask her about when she was young. Ask her to share childhood and school experiences with you. Ask her to talk about her parents and grandparents. Ask her to tell about in detail how she met your dad. Even if you've heard these stories before, your mom will enjoy retelling them. And you can always learn new things.

Figure out what historical events your mom would remember, and ask her about her reactions to them -- the Kennedy assassination, the space race and men walking on the moon, the goofy fashions of the 80s, the rise of the internet, or whatever.

In other words, try your best to make your relationship about something other than church.

Finally, consider -- this too will pass. One day you will get your degree, get a solid job, and be living on your own. Until then, try to make it work the best you are able.

I was living away from my overly controlling mom by the time I was 17 - displaced and homeless in fact.

She went A-wall from the church after I had left home. Hooked up with her jack Mormon boyfriend, moved in with him with my little brother, and started back her tobacco habit she'd quit years earlier after converting to moism after marrying my dad.

She wouldn't let me pierce my ears as a teenager before I was 16. Dad let me at age 15, and mom was super pissed off at him for doing that because it was against her religion.

They divorced the next year (not for that but a cumulation of things.) Following their divorce and after moving in with her boyfriend she pierced her ears not once in each ear, but 3-4 piercings each one. She did everything contrary to her Mormon values she preached to us growing up after her and dad's divorce. Go figure.

Your mom isn't going to change because of your beliefs. What you need to do is let her know you love her but cannot live a lie. Let her know you need to explore other religions or ideologies because you are having a faith crisis and no longer can live off her "testimony." You need to find your own way now. She should respect that as long as you don't go off the deep end in asserting your independence.

Respect the house rules.

Since you're in college already seek out a school counselor or private counselor. They are invaluable in assisting getting your priorities straight. :)

You need some support system breaking free. It's okay to ask for help. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/09/2018 05:02PM by Amyjo.

Being authentic about it only makes her treat you badly. Tell her you're not going to discuss church with her because you want her to deal with it in her own way. Then stop doing it.

"Sorry, mom. That subject is off limits."

"No, mom. My views on that topic are my own."

If you say goodbye, and leave or hang up the phone after, she'll eventually get the message. It will be hard, but you can do it.

You might have to tone it down until you're on your own. I lived at home in college and it was hell. Still, I had to get along as well as I could. I decided I'd move out as soon as I graduated and started working. That's what you might have to do. Bite your tongue and change the subject often. Say you have to study and walk out. Just sit and let her talk without much comment. Smile and nod but don't pay much attention to the words. Stay in your room or go to the library as much as possible.

This won't last forever. Try to be patient.

Feeling isolated also won't last forever. Be friendly and get out among people when you can. In time you'll find your way. Good luck.

There are several ways parents control their children. One way is through bullying. That’s what you’re experiencing. My Mom bullied me. Eventually, you have to stand up to a bully. But, as Tevai noted, do it when you’re settled in your own place with stable income.

Best wishes!

Does he live there, too, or would you be able to move in with him?

I was a single mother, so I know dads aren't always around.

I wish there was somewhere else you could go live.

Ok...number 1 issue here - it is NOT YOUR JOB to make your mother (or anyone else) happy. Her happiness is HER responsibility. If she is looking for you to make her happy then she will never be happy because the moment she becomes happy you will probably stop doing what she wants.

This is a fundamental problem in your relationship with your mom. It sounds to me like your mother may be dealing with some sort of personality disorder and I'm not a health care professional so I can't say.

I suspect that your mom's greatest fear is abandonment. She is worried that you will leave her and she is using the church (and everything else she can) to keep you under her thumb. I know it may not appear that way because she threatens to kick you out but that is a hollow threat and probably one she uses on you because it works.

If there is any way possible please seek the help of a professional counselor. Your school may be able to provide one. There are some tools you can use to protect yourself and your sanity while you are living with your mom. Good luck!

It seems to me the more important change has to be in your own mind. You can't control how your mother feels, but it sounds like you're letting her control how you feel.

Figure out what you need to do in terms of church participation and living arrangements, but more importantly, start taking control of your own thoughts and emotions. It's okay to make an effort to get along, and there's no reason to intentionally hurt her. Just stop thinking that you're responsible for her happiness and start taking ownership of your own.

I hear you. I couldn't take it in my teens.

I was your mother.

A real live beast when my daughter didn't want to live the LDS standards. There's only one word to describe the way I behaved: Inhumane.

My daughter responded to me in the most amazing, miraculous way -- she told me "I love you Mom, you're the best Mom in the whole wide world." She said this daily.

OMG! She used reverse psychology on me!

It worked!

All my children left the church and I shortly followed.

Be patient, you never know how things could change, people wake up and the power of "Fake" love can move mountains.

But no one can count on that outcome. Unfortunately, such cases are not common.

This is so inspiring.

Of course, results are never guaranteed.

I think this shows the power of love. So many people, especially parents, are driven by fear. Religion preys on fear.

How beautiful that your daughter was able to overcome your fear with love and reassurance. You must have done something right.

I'm not inspired.

You have a toxic mother.
The faster and further you can get away from her the better.

Put a lot of time and distance between you because the chances of her changing are practically nil.

I wouldn't rock the boat. You've got too much to lose. However, you might want to walk around your house with a rock in your hat. It could be very faith promoting to bury your face in the hat then loudly announce what time dinner will be served.

My mother wasn't Mormon, but she was controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive in the ways you describe. I'm now a college professor.

If you want to move out of this toxic situation, you need funding and housing. Here's what to do:

1. Get yourself to a financial aid counselor ASAP -- this week if you can. They can discuss all your options with you and help you decide what's best for your situation.

2. Apply for as many scholarships as you can: multi-cultural, first-generation student, low-income, major-related, academic... there are hundreds available. The financial aid webpage should have links, or you can ask your aid counselor. Sometimes there are even housing scholarships.

3. Investigate housing options. You can often pick up other people's contracts cheaply mid-year or mid-semester. Try ULoop, social media, and the campus housing office.

While you're still living at home, set boundaries.

1. Anytime she becomes verbally abusive, you have the right to end the conversation and walk away.

2. Use the broken record technique: memorize a vague response and keep repeating it until she stop. Ex: "Well, I'm pondering and studying about that and plan to continue doing so." Don't engage in church discussions with her.

3. Spend more time on campus and as little as possible at home.

You deserve an abuse-free environment, right now, and you have options to help you get funding and housing for the rest of your college experience. Good luck -- you can do this.

That was the first step. After that, I went to work for a Federal agency that has offices all over the country. Within a few months, I applied for a bilingual opening at an office in Denver, about a thousand miles away from dear old Mom.

From then until she died, I never lived within reasonable commuting distance of her.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Hey!
I think I kind of get where you're coming from. Mostly. Both of my parents are hardcore Mormons, and I have made many, many decisions in my life according to what they would like me to do most, from schooling, to church, to callings and how I spent my free time. Everything in my life is planned out. I'm supposed to go on a mission in a month, yet, I don't want to go, because I no longer believe in the church.

There are many things that Mormons reach that the Bible doesn't even HINT towards, and information about the truth of the church's latter day history is ignored and covered up by the church. They try very hard to hide up undesirable things (like any human), and this hit me very hard when I started to do research. A lot of things didn't make any sense, and a lot of things had no basis to them.

Now, I don't believe anyone is inherently bad, and I do think a lot of things that the LDS faith teaches can make a good impact on the lives of people; but, so can things that most of the religions of the world teach.

I'm leaving Tuesday. I've been saving up from my job, and I'm planning on moving out west to avoid the stigma I would receive from everyone I know for leaving the church. I will tell my mother in the morning that I don't believe it anymore, and that in order to ease the strain of that on our relationship, I'm moving out. I do love her, so it will be immensely hard to do this, but I know that it's the right thing for me to do in order for me to make my own decisions without feeling pressure to be the good little Mormon girl I am, anymore.

I do highly suggest making sure oh can support purse for at least 6 months before you leave, if you do. If you're in school, and you desperately need to get out of your situation (like me, since I was only going to school for my parents anyway), then drop out and explore career ideas by just reading and taking to people while you work for a living.

And, if you need someone to talk to, we're all here- and so are many other forums and chats. Okay?

Best of luck, OP