Is it wrong to just keep pretending?

In the Matrix, Morpheus says, "After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth."

I keep asking a question that was posed later in the story, "Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?"

If you could reinsert yourself into the Mormon Matrix and unknow all of the truths that pulled you away, would you?

I find myself asking if it would be wrong to keep pretending and just take zoloft (I'm not sure what color it is, but the analogy is fascinating.)

I really want to do the right thing.

What questions should I ask myself?

I think everyone has a different tolerance level.

Some are able to comfortably manage living with one foot in and one foot out (essentially pretending to be TBM but not really drinking the kool-aid)

Others cannot tolerate even mild association with the church once "their eyes are opened", so they make a very clean break.

Still others have many other situational variables to consider, spouses, kids, financial impacts, etc. And they make various compromises to suit them.

The right answer is what's right for you. But if you require antidepressants to function inside the church, I'd suggest that's not healthy and for you some level of truth-telling separation would be in order.

I would never want to unknow it all. You also can't, you've kinda already at least taken a light purple pill. But no, it's not wrong to keep on pretending if you see that as the better option for YOU, your life and your family. The Matrix is a good analogy. There is no turning back with mormons, your family, etc. once you come out. But if you try the pretend route, turning around and taking the blue pill is still always an option. It's good to ask for opinions and what worked for other people. But we are not you. Weigh your options.

Prop up 'yer shelf!

Only if you can afford the monthly payment and feel special giving 10 percent of your income to the Corporation of the President for them to do as they want.

I can't pretend anymore that's all i know. No more hiding on the internet.

OhWellian Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you could reinsert yourself into the Mormon
> Matrix and unknow all of the truths that pulled
> you away, would you?

Not a chance.
An honest, inquisitive life offers far richer rewards than the fake "happiness" in the mormon matrix.

> I find myself asking if it would be wrong to keep
> pretending and just take zoloft (I'm not sure what
> color it is, but the analogy is fascinating.)

Only you can decide that. If you can lie to yourself and others with ease, if you can pretend to be "happy" when you're really miserable, and if you want to medicate yourself into a "stupor of thought" the rest of your life, then maybe it's "right" for you.

It's not right for me.

> I really want to do the right thing.
> What questions should I ask myself?

See above :)

Im so glad I took the red pill.

I like reality. Not fantasy

Reality is the better road in the end. The fantasy road is dangerous.

> What questions should I ask myself? >

1) Why am I asking this question?

2) Why am I not getting answers?

For the record, the generic to Zoloft is a light blue.

I can't pretend. Not for anyone. Call me selfish, or call me honest, you choose. The truth is, a pretend life is also a limiting one.

My thought process is this: if I choose to make an exception to being honest with myself on this one key point (religion), then where else will I justify dishonesty with myself, and others?

That's the REAL slippery slope in my mind.

But you are you. I have a brother who plays the TBM part for what he calls his sanity. My other brother already left the church because playing the part was making him LOSE his sanity.

Different strokes for different folks.

Zion-Loft ?

This goes against my ethics. I am (was) well known in the community as a community activist. Most people also knew me as "Mormon", a title I no longer claim.

Also, perhaps I am/was watched more closely than most might be, to see if I drank coffee, or not (etc.). So I don't do any pretending.

I don't go to church at all now, and don't care what people make of that. If they ask me ("How come we don't see you at church anymore?"), I respond with, "Are you sure you want to know?".

That usually shuts them up (with one exception). A close friend who lives more than an hour away from me now, said she didn't fear loosing her testimony by anything I could tell her. But, this little game got old, as she would just tell me, no matter what I told her, "Nope, that doesn't make me loose my testimony".

She has an inactive son living near by her, who side-tracts her attempts as to "why?", in a similar manner (per what she reports to me reg. him)--but still wonders why he is inactive.

So, as it appears, we both (her son and I) just 'live and let live', rather than go into a detailed debate--of which she is unable to accept the results. Instead, she just says, "Nope...that doesn't convince me otherwise", with a simple happy smile on her face.

It's depressing knowingly living a lie.

When it seemed true based on naivete and not knowing any better, can at least pass it off to ignorance, brainwashing, overly trusting, etc.

You can't "go back again," once you've unlearned the cult teachings unless you are willing to pretend and feign ignorance about your knowledge.

That's too much to ask of anyone in the name of transparency and being honest with yourself.

Some people can live the lie - believing they'll reconcile the incongruity once they cross over. I feel it isn't worth it to wait that long, and cannot reconcile that with who I am today.

The cult instilled in me basic tenets as a child of being honest, virtuous, and having integrity. Now that I'm an adult I am practicing what I was taught to the degree that my honesty and integrity led me out from a cult into the light of day.

Who wants to return to a dungeon once you've tasted freedom?

It belies reason.

What will my children think of me if I fail to follow the dictates of my conscience.

Exactly, Koriwhore.

Responsible parents owe their children the truth. Children need to know reality, in order to deal with reality. They need to learn how to function in the REAL WORLD.

Studies have shown, that children of hypocritical parents, who put on pretenses for social or religious reasons, have very CONFUSED children.

You teach others by example, and by pretending, you would be teaching them to be dishonest. They will lose trust in YOU. They will lose respect for you.

Not to mention what pretending does to your self-esteem, and your own sense of identity. I tried to pretend for a while, and it ate away at me. When my children were abused by the priesthood leaders, I refused to condone or excuse that. Abuse was unacceptable, and unwelcome in our home and in our life! My children respected me for standing up to groups of men. I demonstrated to my kids that I put them first. I would protect and nurture them, always. Leaving the cult together brought us closer together.

You can't pretend that bullying and physically assaulting children is OK. You can't pretend that polygamy is OK. You can't pretend that pedophilia is OK. Taking 10% of people's incomes, and telling them it's "God's money," and then spending it on malls and resorts and real estate--can you pretend that's OK, too? I don't care who you are, or what your reason for "pretending", by doing so, you are only supporting the Mormon cult. The cult is perfectly fine with you just going through the motions!

My last years as a TBM, I tried to delude myself into believing that the cult was "a good way to raise children." I tried faking that I enjoyed stuff that was boring and tedious. I tried relating to teachings by old-man polygamous prophets, which had no benefit in my present life. I tried making friends with people who marginalized me for being divorced and single. I tried having something in common with Mormon mothers who didn't work outside the home. It was especially hard to smile at Mormon racist and sexist comments. I lost friends, when I couldn't let the slurs go, without saying anything.

Really, I don't know HOW someone can keep pretending. It was impossible for me.

Into the cool of the evening strolls the pretender.
Who started out so young and strong, only to surrender.

Nice reference.

It makes me think about what was in my head when I joined the mormon church. I thought that I found the truth and that I was going to be with my family forever while making the world a better place. I was young and strong. When did I surrender?

I surrendered the first time I allowed my opinions, beliefs, and judgement to be overridden by the dogma of the church.

The first time that someone told me not to question I should have known.

I'm not willing to live my life so others can be comfortable living a lie. I'm not capable of that. If they shun me for living my truth instead of their lie, so be it.

Pretending is only a temporary fix. Eventually it is necessary to take baby steps towards backing out. DH and I started by changing the way we paid tithing. We started paying according to what we figured was our surplus. We made a very conservative estimate at first, then gradually started keeping more of our own money. I was terrified the roof would cave in if we stopped suddenly! After about a year, we just stopped paying tithing altogether. But we paid a fast offering for about another year. Gradually we started skipping meetings. I am now out altogether, and refuse to darken the door ever again. My husband still goes occasionally, to see old friends. But those occasions are getting less and less.

We are making new friends, and have even found another church to attend.

Some people have to taper from Mormonism more slowly than we did. But even the slightest effort gives you hope for the future, a sense of daring a little more, and joy at the prospect of eventual freedom.

OhWellian Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you could reinsert yourself into the Mormon
> Matrix and unknow all of the truths that pulled
> you away, would you?

For me it wasn't a matter of learning the truth about the church. It was a mater of realizing the truth about myself: I was actually an atheist.

So, if I could go back? I'd listen more to my atheist side instead of trying to beat it into submission.

I realize that there are people who leave Mormonism and accept a different church. I left the church after realizing that I was not convinced of the existence of the Christian god that I believed in before joining the LDS church.

Once I realized that, evaluating Mormon claims got easier. It's not that I used one to support the other. Instead, I started to question everything.

Only if you're Santa clause.

I wasn't offered pills.

I could either flap my arms back to the top of the Empire State building or continue my fall.

OP Wrote:

"What questions should I ask myself?"


That is simple, Human.


For whom did you root? Neo, Cypher, or Me?

To you?

How would one (but you) know?

M@t

"To thine own self be true"

Shakespeare gets it right in my opinion.

If you are faking it to save family, friendships, job, career, reputation, that's one thing. But, you can still stay true to yourself, to some extent.

If you are trying to fool yourself you are on a sad quest. Trying to say right is wrong, black is actually white, down is up, will bring you nothing but grief. If you really want to deny truth then you are someone I truly pity and never hope to meet.

I think that's a question only you can answer. We've heard from a lot of exmos that they tried to keep going to church, but simply couldn't tolerate the lies one minute longer. Others continue to go to maintain family or community relationships. Sometimes those people dial back their church participation in terms of declining callings, attending SM only, not tithing, etc.

Ask yourself..

WHY do I need/want to pretend?

Only you can answer this for yourself.

For me, I was in an abusive marriage and abusive church relationship. I avoided confrontation. I wanted to tow the line and fly under the radar...no matter how unhappy I was.

Eventually, the pain just gets to be too much. I was medicated on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds for years. During and post Mormonism during my recovery. I haven't needed Anti depressants in 10 years. I need anti anxiety meds 1-2 times a year as opposed to twice daily during my LDS years.

This is by no means a ding to anyone who needs meds to get thru life. But if all they do is sugarcoat the issue, maybe its time to ask yourself..why do I feel the need to hold on to the bitter part of my life?

RMM

Josh Weed finally answered the question...

Yes, to those who it affects most like spouse or significant other or kids, yes. Again yes. How much you go into it is where I think you use judgement in terms of how much the other person can process. I think a statement like “I am deeply troubled by the church polygamy in Nauvoo essay and this makes it hard for me to accept that JS could have been called of God. If he wasn’t then where does that leave me.” This world be a completely true statement and maybe not result in other person going into a crisis mode.

The other conundrum is to figuring out how to participate without lying to others in callings etc.

IMHO.

Your points are well considered. I have spent years finding a way to point out to my spouse the lies and lunacy of the church without being confrontational. However, am I sending a message of approval to her and everyone else just by attending?

Yes

If you leave, that serves as a positive example to others in your former ward. I left after my younger brother did. I am very grateful for his courage.
Just another reason to make a clean break.

Not if you want to be you

M@t

moremany Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> [I mean] NO, unless you want to be YOU
>
> M@t

It is miserable to be fake.