I pay (the city) for a service in my community for people who live alone, to deliver meals to my door.

About a week ago, a neighbor from across the street knocked on my door, and told me he wasn't able to get to the door fast enough when they came to his house (he was predisposed, and the policy is never to leave meals on porches). (Volunteers bring the food.) He also said to me, "I'm hungry".

I told him he should keep frozen (or canned) meals in his house, for just such an occasion. (I asked if he had a freezer, and he said yes.) And, he lives only a block and 1/2 away from a grocery store--and as he walked fine to my house, it appears he could make it to the store, if he doesn't drive.) (Who doesn't keep a couple of cans of food in their cupboard, soup, or?)

Now I'm paying the price of guilt.

What do you think would have been the 'right' thing for me to do?

Sounds like he needs an alarm clock to remind him to sit by the door for the food delivery. He should set it 15 minutes early so that he can go to the bathroom before waiting by the door. Sending him away hungry is the right thing to do as he will obvious visit you for food again when he misses his next delivery.

You should of dropped everything and made him a 3 course meal fit for a king. Come on woman-why do you think god put you on earth?
Really, though, why did he come to your house, if he had to pass many others? Did he expect you to give him half of yours? I guess, if you're inclined, you could go ask him if he has any food or money from groceries. If not, maybe you could get him in touch with social services. Maybe his medications are off or something. People have to take care of themselves first. If you have extra, and want to share, that's your prerogative, but not your responsibility.

In the days following my little girl's botched open heart surgery, we encountered many homeless people on the streets of Toronto. My wife and I were just trying to wrap our heads around the idea of our six-month-old daughter living in a permanent vegetative state. Needless to say, it was an emotional roller-coaster.

A new emotion welled up inside my wife and me. We hated those beggars on street that had perfect control of their bodies. They had the ability to change their circumstances but my poor daughter would never have the chance. I had so much rage inside me walking to and from the hospital with these guys and their incessant approach. I wanted to kick the shit out of them. It was a real eye-opener.

As for your neighbor, give him a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. If he says that he doesn't have a can opener, tell him to rub the can on a rough surface such as a sidewalk and the can will eventually open on its own.

I have empathy for others and will freely give advice, but if a perfectly competent individual is in anything but a completely vegetative state and unable to provide for themselves, they can f#ck off!

A can of Chef Boyadree ravioli is under a dollar. Soup is often under a buck and a half.

Neither are difficult to warm up.

Teaching him to be prepared and self sufficient is the best thing you could have done.

It seems that your neighbor is picking on someone who is down. You depend on your meals, and they are intended for YOU. Nothing requires you to share them with a stranger.

Your resources are limited, and that puts you in a position of "survivor", and not of "rescuer." Give yourself credit for finding solutions to your problem, and being independent! Good for you!

How would your friends and family feel if you took on responsibility, or gave your food or money to someone they don't even know?

Learn to say "No." RFM gives some great advice on this subject. You might need to call the meals-on-wheels organization, or a relative of your neighbor--someone to help you say "No" to him.

When you are "limited," that means you can't give to someone else, without robbing yourself. There probably was a time when you were not in this situation. When (not if but when I get old or sick) I will stop giving time and money to charities, and won't feel guilty at all.

For every thing there is a season,
And a time for every purpose under Heaven.

I think I would have handled it in the same way ("I'm sorry, but I don't have any extra. Perhaps you can call for take-out.") There are plenty of restaurants that deliver. Or he could have gone to the grocery store, or kept items in his cupboard or freezer. Also nowadays the major grocery store chains are willing to deliver your order. I don't think that things have ever been better for people who are elderly or immobile. Your food can come to you!

Some people make their irresponsibility your problem. It would be different if I knew a neighbor really well and s/he was in a temporary bind.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2018 06:36PM by summer.

Hello Paisley,

I am SO sorry for your terrible time with your daughter. How are things now? My heart goes out to you.

Hello Pollythinks,

Guilt is not a pretty emotion. Please do stop feeling it when it is not necessary. You made what was a logical decision, and I feel you have every right to stand by it. Being kind is one thing, being used is another. You have done well to recognise the difference.

Fluhist,

My daughter passed away three years ago. Thanks for asking. I shouldn't bring it up on the forum anymore. I have a lot of anger because of it, so I end up venting here from time to time.

Most times I am not so angry in daily life, but at least once a week I get upset when I see parents yanking their arms of their little children around. You know, the parents that are mean to their little ones in public. It is difficult to witness. They don't know what they have until it is gone. I just wish that I had the chance to raise Kiara. Losing a little child really makes you think.

Some people have said that it shouldn't hurt so much losing a child, considering that I have five other children. Kiara was my youngest, my baby. The only baby that wouldn't stop trying to pull out my beard when I held her close. And her laugh was amazing. If she had not passed away, she would have been the most smiley child of the family with the greatest sense of humor.

Cheers.

Every time I see her name, it just reminds me again as I'm the one with a daughter named Kiara. She is 32. She just arrived from Tennessee late last night and will be gone to Alaska in 3-1/2 weeks. We've had our problems since she went back to the lds church and I am going to make sure I do everything I can to not have any problems with her anymore as I am the lucky one, I know, to still have her with me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what it is like.

Yes, Kiara is a rare name. Once I saw the name, it became my instant favorite!

They said WHAT? Can I get in line to punch them in the face? Do they actually think children are, just, replaceable?

I'm so sorry about what happened to Kiara.

Is it possible he has dementia? Maybe he was just confused, or lonely, or going to the grocery store didn't even occur to him. This actually happens. If this is a neighbor you know, being neighborly seems like the thing to do. He sounds like he is not coping very well.

Of course, it's not always easy to make a decision on the spot when a situation crops up like that out of the blue. I would guess that is why you are second guessing yourself and feeling guilty. I'd suggest making him a PB&J or giving him a can of soup next time (enough to keep body and soul together, but not enough to warrant making a habit of dropping by your place), and asking how he is doing.

Why can't he leave the door open for the meal deliverers? Also,walking to the store is good for him.

Of course, he may also be lonesome and just wanted to visit with you. That's always a tough situation for people who are a bit on the introverted side lol .

Polly, if you live alone, he may see you as an easy mark.

He could leave a note for them saying that it takes him a few minutes to get to the door.

Tell him he needs to take it up with the Meals on Wheels people.

I hope if i ever get old, hungry, or poor i will have more compassionate neighbors than the responses i have just read.

You asked what you should have done so I’ll give you my opinion. You should have helped the least of your brothers to the best of your ability. And you should have done it cheerfully and without judgement.

Hopefully if the same happens to you or a loved one some day, there’ll be someone kind and compassionate out there to help you.

I am very shocked by the mean spiritedness in this thread.

Better yet, she should give the neighbor the missionaries or Ward mission leader's phone number. The neighbor gets a meal and new support group and the ward gets a convert baptism. Win-win.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2018 11:28PM by chipace.

So am I!

Thanks CateS - I'm taken aback by the negativity too.

When I've felt guilty I look at the deed I've done and see if there was a better way I could have handled it.

We cannot live without each other. Who stocks our shelves, grows the food we eat, makes the clothes we wear and paves our streets and highways? People do. Who comforts us, cares about our well-being and hopes for our successes? People do.

I'm not saying we should allow others to take advantage as that hurts the other person more than it hurts us. Who knows what the man is going through...is he widowed, ill, maybe he's not thinking ahead but the best thing we can do is to be of real service to people who for whatever reasons cannot do something for themselves. I'm not saying we must be someone's constant life-line but please, help where you can and use wisdom.

If the man has, say, $3 to spend on Meals on Wheels (Polly says that she pays for her meals,) along with the capacity to walk across the street to her house, then he can take that very same $3 to the grocery store that is a block and a half away to get something to eat. Every grocery store has some type of prepared meals these days.

Yes, even poor people can take advantage of you. I see it every working day. Parents will refuse to buy their children pencils and markers (because they know I will buy them,) but *will* supply them with fancy phones and upscale sneakers.

I had a very infirm 90-year old neighbor for a year. From the beginning, it felt like she was being dumped on us. Her needs were overwhelming. I don't mind, say, bringing groceries in or clearing off the car for a neighbor in need. But I am not assisted living. Eventually she along with her family saw the light, and at first got her a part time aide, and eventually into assisted living.

Sometimes you need to set limits. IMO this is likely just such a case.

CateS Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hope if i ever get old, hungry, or poor i will
> have more compassionate neighbors than the
> responses i have just read.
>
> You asked what you should have done so I’ll give
> you my opinion. You should have helped the least
> of your brothers to the best of your ability. And
> you should have done it cheerfully and without
> judgement.
>
> Hopefully if the same happens to you or a loved
> one some day, there’ll be someone kind and
> compassionate out there to help you.
>
> I am very shocked by the mean spiritedness in this
> thread.


This happened to me 6 years ago. This couple moved into the same apt.complex I lived in at the time. On my way to my car one evening the woman asked me for money. I gave her a five. Then every evening they would situate themselves where people had to pass to get to cars and they continued with sad sack stories and asking for food money etc. One night as I was getting out of my car they were there to meet me asking for a ride. I told them I was getting in from work and I dont give rides. Before i could get out they were trying to force their way in. I fought back and pulled the door on the womans arm, got the door shut to leave and call the police. Come to find out they had warrants already. Thats why I suggest that you have them call a government agency and have them take care of these matters. Someone could have called meals on wheels or had him call. I have more stories about how trying to help can blow up in your face. I'll spare you details. However I cant help but notice that people who do this prey mostly on women. Its a safety thing. After I read The Gift of Fear I no longer felt guilty for saying no and about defending myself. If you consiser that mean so be it. Maybe you dont live where I live.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2018 06:13AM by Aquarius123.

“The Gift of Fear” is the best book one might ever read.

Ghe Gift of Fear is a very good book to read; I liked his (Gavin de Becker) Protecting the Gift even better. I think all women, and all people with children, and all teens, especially girls, should read it.

CateS Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hope if i ever get old, hungry, or poor i will
> have more compassionate neighbors than the
> responses i have just read.

++++++++++++++++++++

Well, it’s commonly not good to do for people what they can do for themselves because it’s bad for them. Unless you’re in a relationship and you take turns.

Under the circumstances, I’d ignore the guilt because you’re programmed for it. If it was a test, it would repeat, and just watch. It won’t.

Although that’s cultural programming too. In some cultures your neighbor would be fed no questions asked. So it really comes down to how you feel. Is it your heart or your head? What kind of world do you want? But it’s not worth being neurotic about.

There are a lot of mentally ill people around who lack the foresight to stock up for a rainy day. I have met some of those in my day. Normal people tend to keep things in stock in case of emergencies. Many mentally ill people seem be be lacking in that common sense part of the brain. I remember the days when such people were kept in hospital or group homes, but now they are in our neighborhoods.

I likely would have given him a small something to hold him over, then sent him on his way.

I opened the door for a “needy” neighbor once. He started telling me how much he loved me. My dog went into an uncharacteristic rage. The neighbor left. The next day my dog disappeared.

Don’t be a victim, Polly.

He can put a note on his door "Please wait it takes me a while to get to the door. Thank you!"

He can call the place instead of walking to you and say that they missed his delivery. If the mailman doesn't leave the package at the door we would hunt down the package and eventually find it at a post office or will have a re delivery scheduled.

He should teach the volunteers to wait for him at the door or sit at the door waiting on the food. Take a chair and a book a blanket a glass of water and wait by the door for his food. Not that hard easier than walking to your door.

Maybe he can ask the company to text him or call him 15 min prior food delivery so he can be ready. Maybe he needs a louder door bell.

Thank you-all helpful RfM people. Your advise and comments are much appreciated.

Like you say, I don't want it to become a habit, but I shall work on doing it "once", with a "once only warning".

Even so, I don't keep much 'back-up' food in my house (it grows old in a hurry), but have a couple of cans of something in my cupboards, and something in my small freezer. Plus, I have 2 grown children living within a 20-35 min. drive to my house I can depend on, if need be.

Also, I still have my wits about me--which, I know, sometimes becomes a problem for some people.

And, to let you know I'm not all stingy or bad, I have a big, wonderful backyard orange tree which I harvest (in season), and keep some in my kitchen to give to door-to-door workers who come to my house legitimately (such as my trash-can pick-up man, who came this morning, and to my mailman. (How often do trash men get given big, juicy, oranges?--a plesant surprise.)

But this takes time and effort to harvest, and I didn't think fast enough about this at the time.

Thanks again for your help,
P

I deliver meals on wheels. It is the policy to not leave food if no one answers the door. This is because of the danger of spoilage and ptomaine poisoning. All the people I deliver to are aware of the time I usually arrive and they allow for fluctuation.
The recipient has to do their part. You did more than yours

Well...are you sure his intent was to mooch off of you, Polly - is this a neighbor that you know well? Perhaps he's more lonely than hungry, and was simply trying out an excuse to visit with you. :)

+1

What about getting an inexpensive basket, filling it with a variety of canned goods, and leaving it on his porch?