Posted by:
goldrose
(
)
Date: March 08, 2018 01:37AM
This is a very uneasy post for me. But I need to write about it. And since most people in the real world don't get this, I want to share it here. Today I was asked about why I'm so bitter towards the mormon church and its members. This is a great example...
If I was ever close to marriage while at BYU, it was with this boy. We met when I did my internship in Europe. He was a missionary. Nothing happened. We stayed friends after he returned back home and occasionally texted each other.Then I didn't see him for about 2 years.We randomly took a class together at BYU. This is when our friendship truly started. Soon I realized he was on my mind all day long, and before I could process those feelings, he told me he fell in love with me. Per BYU dating fashion, we became official shortly after. I shared it here couple of time, but I was a true nonbeliever before I even started BYU. I was stupid and went there, as my parents promised to pay for my education, only if I went to BYU. So I did... My experience was miserable, and partially it was the pressure. Once I was in a relationship, I felt another pressure. Pressure of being married. He was raised on the East Coast, so he wasn't really the typical Utah, BYU type. Even though, I told him that I really don't want to be like some of the BYU students (fast marriage), marriage talks still came up. It terrified me. I realized I was dating someone devoted to the mormon church. I knew I had only couple of options, such as pretending my whole life, raising children in church I don't believe, or admit that I don't believe right away and potentially lose him. I was really torn. I went back and forth, but then things got even more complicated...
After he got back from his mission, he was diagnosed with anti-immune disease. Things got pretty bad at one point, and his parents decided to put him through a treatment on the East Coast. Honestly, it was such a horrible time and I was so worried about him. We didn't break up, but understandably our love life wasn't his priority. We talked every day, then every other day...then twice a week. Again, understandable. Part of me was relieved that we didn't talk about the future or marriage. That's when I realized that no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I love him, I don't want to live in a lie, I don't want to raise my kids in this faith. I flew to see him over a long weekend and I knew this was my chance to tell him. I told him how I felt about the church. I told him how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't pretend anymore. He told me he cared about me and appreciated my honesty, but for him the church is the most important thing. It was a calm breakup. But at the same time I had to completely delete him from my life, otherwise I'd go crazy.
Now fast forward to summer 2017. My last semester at BYU. I attended a wedding reception of a former coworker. And there he is...my ex boyfriend. Even though I felt fully recovered from that break up and realized it was for the best, it hurt a little bit. We talked about our plans, I told him I was going to NYC for job. He said that his work sends him there often, and he suggested a lunch in New York.
He went to NYC last November and we had a lunch. It was really lovely and familiar. I noticed he looked the whole time he wanted to talk about something. I didn't pressure him tho. Then he calls me and long story short...he tells me about how he doesn't believe in JS, TBOM or anything really. I was in disbelief. He said he doesnt go to church and he wants to remove his name. He came to NYC in January and we had the best time. We got coffee, drinks, we watched "bad movies"...and we had sex. And that changed everything for me. My feelings came back, my love for him was back. I guess it never went away. After he left we talked to each other all the time. He even said he's going to put his transfer to new york in. I was so happy. It almost sounded like a story about "it was a bad timing, but eventually it all worked out." Well, almost...almost a happy story.
Once his parents found out their son was inactive and he kinda had a GF, the bullying started....His mom called me multiple times a day. Yes, I picked up. She said ugly things. She said I was the reason why her son abandoned the church, why he stopped wearing garments and why he is a sinner. My explanation didn't matter to her. She asked me to stay away from him. He tried telling her that I had nothing to do with it.
About a week later I get a text from him about his transfer being denied. Couple of days later he started acting pretty cold. He said nothing was going on, but I knew what I felt.
Fast forward to two days ago. I'm in SLC for a training. We went to a dinner and at the end he announced to me that the whole time he was wrong about his doubts. He wants to go back to church and repent. He admitted that there's a new girl. When him and I broke up, and he went back to BYU, he met this girl. They didn't date and she got married soon after. Now this girl is getting divorce and my ex and her are already dating. And he even admitted that they may get married soon. I was shocked. I didn't care about any of his excuses and apologies. But he said something interesting...he said that since she got married in the temple, they wouldn't be able to get married there now. they'll get married civilly, and he can still keep his "good name" and people won't ever find out about his inactive period. And he ended with "my mom was right that you're not the right person for me...I need someone who's active..."
So this is why I'm bitter towards the church. Yes, his mom is right. I'm not the right person for him. And he's one of the most dishonest people I know. Our problems started because of the church and they never went away because of the church. His family see me as this evil person. My family told me that I could have been married and with children, if I stayed in the church, so I created this problem on my own. I saw how happy he was WITHOUT the church. I heard him saying some bad stuff about mormons. I know he doesn't believe. But he probably realized the price he would pay.
So here's my story. Congratulations if you read the whole thing haha
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2018 01:40AM by goldrose.