We all know Mormons know no boundaries, but I'm labeling this O/T because the people I'm going to describe are not Mormons.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I'm wrong or overreacting.

My wife passed away a few months ago. We managed to keep her illness off Facebook for the whole time she was sick (and she wanted it that way in part because the TBMs in our lives are so obnoxious and don't respect boundaries, etc).

When she died, we were up all night, coordinating with the hospice folks, mortuary, etc. Afterwards, I thought I'd go ahead and post something on Facebook, since it's a good place to widely disseminate information. When I logged on, a dozen of her friends and colleagues had already posted about her death, and messages about her. I felt sort of cheated. But worse, my own family found out about her death by the posts of people who are strangers to them. And I knew they did, because they then made posts of their own. I didn't even get to tell my own family.

Fast forward a few months. I maintain a little tribute website, with an obituary and a blog in which I periodically reminisce, and share thoughts and memories. The other day I posted a link to the most recent post on FB. Ten people "like" it, no comments. My brother-in-law posts a link to the same, gets 22 likes, and multiple comments thanking HIM for the post! He didn't "share" my post, so I get no "credit," and he gets copious thanks! Then, my mother-in-law shares HIS post and gets 62 likes, and heaps of praise for what a great son she has, because he posted a link to MY blog post, which I had already posted (and they can see because I set the visibility to friends of friends too).

One of the dozen posters from that last night posts frequently about losing her "best friend," and how difficult it is, how much she's grieving, etc. Many likes, copious comments, even from my mother-in-law who thanks her and admonishes her to "never forget" my wife. Here's the thing: my wife loathed this woman! She drove my wife crazy with nagging and constant complaining and gripes about everything under the sun.

My wife was a wonderful person and had many friends and grateful colleagues. I don't begrudge them the right to grieve too, but it seems to me at times, that they overstep bounds a little, and I'm forgotten along the way.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

There is no right or wrong when one is grieving. Mormon or otherwise.

Death brings out, or amplifies, behaviors, for good or ill.

Do what you need to do. If you post publicly, know that there are risks to that.

For me, after the death of my mother, I was stunned at the reactions of my siblings. I still am.
I write in a journal, the reminiscing, the musings, but it's private. Occasionally I will post something on FB, but I know I take a risk at doing so.

So,just think before you write, at least when it comes to what kind of reaction you may or may not be open to, and adjust accordingly

Your family is treating you like you are wallpaper, and you think that your feelings might be "wrong?" No, you are not wrong. They are your feelings, and you are entitled to them and have ample justification for them.

I would give some of these people a 30-day vacation from your Facebook feed (FB now allows that option.) Perhaps give them two or tree 30-day vacations. And I would either set your blog to private for a while or take a long break from it.

Don't be afraid to take actions to protect yourself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2018 05:46AM by summer.

I wish you well and thank you this post.

Over the years I have learned weddings and funerals (deaths) bring out the worst In Mormons

Gatorman

I have never been a fan of FB. It's creation and existence has propelled me into taking much more caution. I have un-followed several family members and friends/acquaints.

I only look at FB to see/hear music or musical performances.

If you want chaos in your life, get hooked on FB. JMHO

Get off FB for awhile and save yourself the comparing of who has more likes and who commented what, etc.

Mormons and other boundary-crossers like to hijack your life. In a way, people can sometimes "use" a death to draw themselves closer to others, and (like that woman your wife loathed) show-off to others how compassionate and important they are. It's a form of "emotional theft."

You are correct in feeling uncomfortable about all this. These people are taking away your personal, private mourning of your wife.

Take a vacation from Fakebook--that's good advice! Do this for yourself. Your wife would not have wanted for anything to make you unhappy--especially now. Take note of how much better you feel, during your FB break, and if you feel relief, then extend the break, as suggested.

You owe these people nothing. Your loss is greater than theirs. Some of them might even offer you a bit of comfort, individually, but not as a large group. (64 likes--what is that?) If some of them want to interact with you, they can visit your tribute website or call you personally. Post on your tribute website that you will check in once a week, or whenever, so you don't have to deal with it every single day.

((((Sorry for your loss))))

Very good advice from Exminion.

Be gentle with yourself at this time. So sorry for their deep insensitivity.