after leaving tscc? I'm rather socially inept and (this sounds so pathetic) but church provided me with people who were obligated to be friendly to me. Now that that's over with, it's up to me to find some real friends and build a healthy sense of social fulfillment. And I live in Utah. Any advice?

The church was the hole in my social life. I was never accepted or incorporated into that culture. And some of that is my fault too. But it remains the church wasn't my community. Losing the church gave me more time for my community.

Go do what you like to do. Hike? then join a hiking club. Or similar for whatever it is you do enjoy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2018 02:11PM by dogblogger.

Friendships can be found through work, your neighborhood, activities, and interest groups. If you like someone, ask if they would like to get together some time to go out to eat, go to the movies, shop, hike, go to a museum, etc. People will not think less of you for offering an invitation even if they are not looking to make a new friend.

As a single person, I've had my best success with fellow singles and divorced women.

Try Google meet ups. We moved about a year ago and joined:
-Monthly wine tasting meetup (yes, even in Utah)
-Weekly Drone flying (went out and bought cheap drone)
-Monthly astronomy club
It will take a bit to find some friends but put yourself out there.

Smudge Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> after leaving tscc? I'm rather socially inept and
> (this sounds so pathetic) but church provided me
> with people who were obligated to be friendly to
> me. Now that that's over with, it's up to me to
> find some real friends and build a healthy sense
> of social fulfillment. And I live in Utah. Any
> advice?
I adopted Buddhist detachment from social needs and focussed more on fulfilling peak needs, like learning, developing skills, and deriving authentic meaning from real life, and self actualization and transcendence.

koriwhore Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I adopted Buddhist detachment from social needs
> and focussed more on fulfilling peak needs, like
> learning, developing skills, and deriving
> authentic meaning from real life, and self
> actualization and transcendence.

I like this. Thank you.

I am a political activists, and converse with one of my long-standing friends along this line, and am friends with several neighbors (one of which--a female--I go out to lunch with on a simi-regular basis, two of which (who live on either side of me), have been courting me--but with whom I have NO INTEREST in whatever.

Also, I am fortunate to have a fairly large family close by, with whom I celebrate special occasions, and go out to dinner with, and go to their house for dinner (one of which--my eldest son, takes me out to lunch on a regular basis).

I have a wonderful Rel.Soc. teacher friend that never fails to come to my house, and when she does, brings me a treat of some kind. (A couple days ago--surprise--I even went to the R.S. b'day party at the Ward with her, and spoke with a lot of old friends.)

I also have a wonderful orange tree (I live in So. Calif.), with whom I share my oranges--including with the mailman (we are friends), or anyone else who comes to my door on a legitimate bases (such as a phone repairman).

I also count communicating with all-you guys on RfM as a fun, enlightening kind-of social life. (Thanks.)

P.

Social life ? What's that ?

After seventeen years out, I'm still trying to find the answer to this question.

Holes? Holy? Social Life? That comes through living. Each day. One day at a time. It takes time, each day. Live wholly and your holes will be filled (many times over).

Go into the world
And live like you wish

Even when I attended church almost 50 years ago I didn't have a church based social life. And even before I couldn't wait for SM to end on Sunday night so I could jump into my car, fire up a heater and go looking for my pals and beer.

This is what's good about resisting early. From the age of twelve on, I had no desire to mingle with Mormons. I didn't have a Mormon social life to lose. I sure did lose family, but they are a stiff-necked people, those Mormons.

I thought if I had no friends or family, it would be worth it to shed the religion and culture just to feel free.

Fortunately, the hole it left in my life meant I had room to reach out to non-mormons who eventually accepted me and provided a better life. I married a never mormon who shared his friends and social skills and that helped bridge the gap. Still, it took time and effort to transition into the nonmo world.

College did it for me.
Instead of relying on the pre-supplied "friends" from the church, I met interesting people at college...ones who, if they liked me, liked me no matter what I did or didn't believe, and didn't give a crap if I went to church or not.

Anywhere you can meet people who aren't mormon, and who can see you for who you really are, is a good place to make new "social connections." Lots of good suggestions above.

The simplest suggestion: go do something you love to do, and you'll meet other people who love to do it. And who will want to be friends with you. REAL friends.

fun for me. I actually went to church, went into the meeting and sat down. I didn't like socializing. I only went because I believed. Most of my family is this way, except my dad, who didn't go very often.

It has been a relief to not have to go. HUGE RELIEF. I don't have enough time alone and I'm down to 1 good friend, my siblings, my boyfriend, my kids, and my ex. And my dogs.

My mormon neighbors actually treat me better than when I was mormon.

I find that Meetup groups can be a good way to meet new friends, or at least new acquaintances, especially if you are in the middle of a transition -- for example, new to town, recently out of a long-term relationship, suddenly find yourself with a lot of free time, etc. I like the Utah Outdoors hiking group. You'll see that a variety of people attend.

There are Meetup groups for tons of different things!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2018 12:08PM by rubi123.

"I adopted Buddhist detachment from social needs and focussed more on fulfilling peak needs, like learning, developing skills, and deriving authentic meaning from real life, and self actualization and transcendence."

I love this!

I never felt there was a "hole", but, rather, a "drain on my time." I always wanted more time to spend with my children. As time went on, new grandchildren were born, and I wanted to spend time getting to know these great little people. Children are upbeat, and I laugh many times, every day! I wanted more time to concentrate on my career, which was also a huge positive in my life.

I viewed my leaving Mormonism as a "loss" of very negative stuff. If there was a "hole" left by the negative, it was quickly filled by the positive. Depending on the context, socializing and friendship can be negative, as well as positive.

The Mormon idea of "friendship" is warped and unnatural.
--Mormons believe that friends can be "assigned."
--Friends can make demands on each other.
--Friends can cross boundaries of privacy.
--Friends have license to gossip about you, and even invent fake stories about you.
--If you say "no" to a friend, that's considered a betrayal, regardless of your reasons for saying "no."
--Friendship is conditional. Once someone is no longer of use, or if someone is no longer assigned to you, you need to move on to your next project/assigned friend.
--Friendships always have an agenda.
--Friendships between men and women always involve sex, and a married man and a married woman must never be left alone.
--The more friends and contacts you have, the more valuable you are to the Mormon cult.
--Friends mean "converts" or introductions to potential converts.

There are other definitions that can be added to this list. Mormons are shamed into having "tons" of friends. Popularity is the Holy Grail of Mormonism, because it's a valuable recruiting tool. Appearances of friendships and brotherly love among ward members is of primary importance. Mormonism is all about good PR. The false promises of group support, socializing, welfare assistance, business networking, and getting free labor are as important as the equally false promises of a "forever family", the "Celestial Kingdom", and earning many beautiful perfect wives (for righteous Mormon males) in the hereafter.

What I'm saying is that socializing is overrated.

In the real world, "socializing" is more like what the above posters describe. Socializing and intimacy are two different things. Exchanging a few cheerful words with the grocery checkers and baggers, opening doors for people, playing with your children or dogs at the park, going to a little-league game, passing families on a hiking trail, sitting in an audience in a movie or concert, commiserating in a waiting room--all these can be counted as "social contact." My main social life is work-centered.

How much socializing do we really need? Everyone is different. A lot of ex-Mormons were forced to behave like extroverts when they were Mormons, but have discovered that, deep down, they were introverts all along. Some, like me, switch gears from extrovert to introvert, depending on the situation.

It might help you to take some of those introvert-extrovert tests. You can find them online. Get to know your new, re-born self. Pay more attention to those who really care about you, that you might take for granted. Pets fit into this category! If you don't have one, adopt one!