I have decided to move in together for the first time with my BF. He is a wonderful, wonderful guy. Treats me very well, has his education, a steady and good job, no school loans, and money in the bank for a house. And he loves me ;) (Salt to the wound though is that my parents do not like the fact that he is mormon, and upon hearing these things and never meeting him felt like I deserved better--WTF? They like him now that they met him, but he still and won't ever be mormon)

The prospect of telling my TBM parents about this is making me very ill. The water has been broken before since all of my siblings (5 total, including baby who is still at home) have decided to leave the church and two have already moved in with SO prior to marriage. So at least that part is good, but still--

What is the best way to broach the subject? I plan on not telling them until I am actually moved. The thought of a phone conversation is the most scary (they live hours away) but is email or snail mail inappropriate?

Oh send a postcard, inviting them to brunch....you know like how we do when we get married :)

Seeing as you are moving in together...seems like the MORMON part is very irrelevant.

Or is he NOT mormon?

Just tell them.

What more can happen?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2011 01:39PM by AIC.

Oops, EDIT: He is NOT mormon-- Thank, er, goodness :)

Thanks. I know I just need to tell them, I just wondered if email was too impersonal. They do know that I don't believe, I broke that bombshell over a year ago. I emailed them about the religion thing, making sure to emphasize that I loved them anyway. Mom particularly was pissed.

But I do know I don't want to tell them until it is a done deal. Then there will be no need to argue against it--it is done.

Have you told them you don't believe already?

I would think that not telling them until after the fact could be hurtful. To them it sounds like you are ashamed of it. Consenting adults do this all the time. If it's is a big deal to you then it will be a big deal to them. Although it is a big step in the relationship it is of very little consequence in the world.

Next time you talk to them. "Hey guys I'm moving in 2 weeks....Yeah Boyfriend and I are moving in together. We have this GREAT place, and we will save sooooo much money.....Oh yeah and I love him."

Say it in passing as you're leaving the house after dinner ready to walk to the car.

They might gasp, wince, start to cry, or moan. Ignore all of that.

Say, "Ha, ha, ha, sorry you're taking this so hard, but that's how it is these days. I'm sure you're mature and flexible enough to adjust, so I won't worry about you. Thanks for dinner. See you next time. Take care."

Then just get into the car and drive away. Their antics are not your problem. Afterall, they are the parents and they are adults. We are not responsible for their morgbot programming and it isn't up to us to absorb their issues.

No need to tell them anything, let them figure it out.

You are an adult, your sex life is none of their business.

When I was a blessed Nevermo in my teens and twenties, when I moved in with a girl, parents were never involved in the decision in any way, shape, or form. We moved in because we were in love and sharing expenses made sense.

I married my wife when I was 26 and didn't even ask her Pa's permission. I sure as hell didn't ask him if I could take her to bed before I did that either.

It's like the whole, "Oh my gawd, what will my parents say?" bit is an LDS, conservative fundamentalist attitude hangover--like you're living in the 1880s or something. I'm not blaming you. Just saying (with all credit to Ron).

I think you are smart for "moving in" first, before marriage. Before you decide to tie the knot with someone, you need to know everything about him. Congrats to you for being relationship smart young lady.

As to blunt vs. gentle, you know your parents best, NoName.

My blunt response was a bit of an exaggeration. But if there's one thing I wish for everyone recovering from Mormonism it's that they can get to a place where they don't fear what others might think of them. Life is too short to spend it trying to protect the delicate feeling of people who don't respect ours, to spend it playing passive-aggressive avoidance games, to spend it trying to keep the love of people whose affection comes at the cost of your happiness, integrity, soul and mental health.

Been there, done that. My nevermo father was like do I have to move him into the new place too? That was the extent of his reaction (my father rocks at moving but no he didn't have to move the man as well).

My brother let the cat out of the bag with my mother and she called me in tears and when I confirmed it she kept crying and was like I am so sorry for you. Yeah. Went downhill from there and then some. Like an Olympic skier downhill.

If I had to go for it all over again I would simply say Parent Name Here, Biff and I are moving into the same residence together and here is our new address. I understand if you are not comfortable visiting us due to your religious beliefs but we are really happy and look at this step as a positive forward momentum in our relationship. Everyone we know is really thrilled for us and our choice but I understand if you are unable to be anything other then nucking futs about it.

My man and I have been living in sin for like three or four years now. It is wonderful. His family is great, my family is crazy but according to him there's never been an issue or problem taken up with him directly.

You are a grown up. Sounds like you are dating a grown up. Enjoy yourself and congratulations on moving in with your relationship.

Just tell them as if you were making any other move. Be unapologetic. Answer their questions simply, and refuse to engage in drama.

Be prepared for frequent, whiny pleas of, "When are you two going to get married?" lol

Like making love to a porqupine --- Very gently, very kindly, but very, very carefully..

JB

My boyfriend and I could not be happier and more thrilled with being together and all of his family, including his children are so happy for us....

Amazing that my family ...the good christians...cant help but make nasty comments. My parents are on a mission...so I just moved in and let them figure it out.

Some comments you should be prepared to deal with

...When are you going to get married
...this is so embarassing for the family
...your brothers and sisters dont even know what to say
...what on earth do you think (name of meaningless person) thinks of you
...it is just not right and you know it
...when is he going to make an honest woman of you
...why buy the cow when your getting the milk for free
...we just want you to be settled and secure
...you cant possibly really be happy
...when are you going to get married
...we can leave the mission for a marriage ceremony
...we would love to come visit but given the circumstances we will bo visit (enter name of TBM sibling) instead
...when are you going to get married
...we dont mean to hurt your feelings but it is our priesthood duty to counsel you
...when are you going to get married...

I would not change a thing in the world because my life is perfect and his very catholic family loves me...but there are days I want to shoot my parents! Good Luck!!

This thread really intrigues me because I am a Nevermo married to a Jack Mormon. My parents (dad atheist; mom former christian) absolutely hate him (not because he is Mormon but for the pain he has caused me). We separated for awhile and I had a hell of a time telling my folks we were back together. (I'm in my 40s.)

His TBM family supports us both no matter what we choose. It's just all very interesting.

I don't have any advice on how to tell your parents, but I wish you luck and hope it all works out.

P.S. I was glad to read that your BF is NOT a mormon. :-)

...that had already done it I would ask them. Nobody knows your parents better than your siblings. But most importantly don't make a big deal out of it.

I say do the brunch thing or call them. My convert Mormon daughter emails me stuff about her Mormon choices _ getting baptised Mormon and then a yr. or so later....going to the Temple. So weird and not at all cool in my opinion. Very impersonal. She tries to escape those hard talks. I would have preferred a face to face. So be firm in your choice to do this, but make it more personal if you care about your parents. If you are not close at all, tell them in an email.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2011 11:57PM by honestone.

Ok, here's how I would do it. "Mom...Dad...I have something really serious to discuss with you. I'm pregnant!" THEN, when they start freaking out, you say "Not really! We're just moving in together." THEN they'll be so happy you're not pregnant, moving in together won't be such a big deal! (this was meant for humorous purposes only. Don't really do it. ;o)