so I’m gonna start by saying I’ve known I was gay my entire life. I struggled with it, still believing in god and trying to follow the Mormon guidelines. I felt bad for being who I was, and would cry daily. At one point a couple of years ago, I said fuck it and started an Instagram account where I was openly gay and used an alias. It got really popular and my parents found it and made me take it down and forced me to get therapy and talk to my bishop countless times. I started to believe that I was doing something wrong again because that’s what they were shoving in my brain. I broke down every night. It’s been two years since then, and I’m 16 now. They told me I would be allowed to be myself and actually date when I turned 16, but they lied. They took my phone away when I said I wanted to go on a date with a boy. I don’t believe anything the church has to say and they force me to go to church and seminary regardless. Is there any way for me to get out of going to church? Or get them to actually love me for who I am? They repeatedly tell me that I’m a sinner, and I’m just lost and can be found again. They don’t respect me or give me any of the priveleges my older straight siblings got. I’ve been being myself lately and giving no fucks about the Mormon church and I’ve been so much more mentally stable and healthy. I just want to leave the church so bad. I don’t know what to do.

You need to be authentic. I don't know how you can deal with living with your parents, but I'd hate to see you end up on the street.

My "ex" is gay. I married him 34 years ago on the strong advice of leaders. They told me he was damned if he didn't change (not just control it). I talk to a lot of ex-wives of gays and we all KNOW our exes should never have married. All of us have left the lds church.

I wish I had some good advice. Maybe you can hang in there until you can get out of the house. This is really tough for them, I'm sure. They feel that they have to MAKE YOU live what they consider the way to happiness, thinking that the road you are embarking on is going to be only painful and find you no happiness. They are wrong. But they are also indoctrinated. I was, too. So was my ex.

Hang in there. There are people here who care about you and want you to have a happy life, to be able to accept yourself JUST AS YOU ARE. I'm trying to think of any books. Carol Lyn Pearson's books may help you and maybe your parents. I can't remember the names of them. I read a book a few years ago called Perfect: The Journey of a Gay Mormon (I believe was the title). I loved it. He was so HONEST in his story and he found his way.

Oh, there is a letter here that a man who had a gay son wrote about why he left the church and I always have to ask Done & Done to tell where it is on the biography board. It is EXCELLENT. The man and his family left the lds church for his son and it is the story of their journey out.

I am not gay, and I am one of the nevermos ("never Mormon") here on RfM (for various reasons, there are a few of us), so I (personally) don't have the insight and advice you are looking for, but...

At sixteen, you are still a minor, and you are required (pretty much by law) to do what your parents want you to do (or not do) until you are 18--and this presumes that you will have the means (from a job, or savings, or a sympathetic relative or friend) to leave your parents' home on or about your 18th birthday.

This likely means putting off most dating for a couple of years (and I absolutely do understand the difficulties involved in this), while you are making your post-18th-birthday plans.

If you have a relative (a grandparent, or maybe an aunt or uncle or cousin, or a grown sibling you are close to) where you can go to live for awhile, this would be wonderful.

This may impact your higher education plans, so you need to check out local options: community college where the units are transferable...perhaps a public vocational school. If you have some idea of what you want to "do" in your adult life, this is great. If you do not know, this is the time for you to be going into active search mode to find something which will work for your interests and desires for, maybe, several years (if not for the rest of your adult life).

If there are gay groups at your school or in your community, join the ones which work for you. There are also Internet resources for GLBT+ teens (and discussion boards similar to this one), and these can be sources of valuable information and tips, as well as potential friends (or more).

If you have a GLBT+ Community Center within commuting distance of where you are now, I very strongly suggest that you get over there ASAP and check out what they offer. I am familiar with two of the GLBT+ community center groups in my area (I have done volunteer work there) and I very highly recommend them as potential sources of information you need to know... of social support...and they are great places to meet people who can be friends, or more. (Ditto if you have a Gay Film Festival, or GLBT+ oriented movie theater, in your general area. I have seen some incredible GLBT+ films, and I highly recommend them in general.)

There must be some kind of (at least: informal) "meet-up" place, whether in person or on the Internet, for LDS gay teens, so I would check this out as a possibility, too. If so, then that place would have Mormon-specific information and advice for teens in your same LDS "place."

One way or another, you can work this through, step-by-step, to a "place" where you can create the adult life you want, so take advantage of the next two years (before your 18th birthday), because you can get a whole lot done right now if you are creative and you start thinking "outside the box."

My best wishes go out to you, and...

Welcome to RfM!

My heart hurts for you kid. I cannot give you any advice beyond spend the time between now and your 18th birthday to put together a plan to move out as soon as you turn 18. The last thing you want is to turn 18 and move out without any sort of job, place to live, or some money saved up. You don't want to end up on the street or having to beg your parents to let you move back in.

I wish I could give some other advice, but I think the other two folks who have replied have done a great job with that.

It pains me to see how some parents treat LGBTQ children. My 16 year old daughter recently came out as a lesbian and seeing the relief on her face, and the confidence she has gained after my wife and I basically said "cool, as long as you are happy and a good person, we are happy" has been a joy to see. The church and the pressure it puts on people to be the LDS version of "perfect" is toxic and damaging and in this case is damaging you and your relationship with your family. I am sorry you have to go through that.

But hang in there. It may not seem like it now, but two years can go by fast. Hopefully by the time you are 18 you can be in a position to move out and take control of your life. All the best to you and like others have said, welcome to RfM.

I agree with everything that has been said to you so far. Save money as much money as you can in a place your parents can't access it. I don't know how hard-core your parents are, but it would probably be wise to fly under the radar as much as is possible where they are concerned. You certainly don't want them sending you away to one of those miserable programs for wayward youth. Not everyone survives such experiences.

While you have to do more or less what your parents want you to do, you don't have to think what they want you to think. Don't let them play games with your mind. There is nothing wrong with your sexual orientation, and please do not allow them to make you think there is something wrong with you because you are gay.

The better part of two years probably seems like almost an eternity to you now, but it really isn't, particularly when you consider that you need to collect as much money as possible between now and then. Try hard not to let your parents know what it is you're doing.

That's really bad. parents accept the children the way they are. It's nothing wrong being a gay.

Welcome to RFM. Get a summer job and make friends in the gay community. Continue to work when school starts back up but not too much that it affects your grades. Perhaps your job will need you on Sundays. wink wink
Build the life that you want starting now, step by step.
You can do this!
We are here to support you and want to hear back from you to see how things are going. Best of luck to you and big hugs from this MexMom.

Have read your post several times and all the responses. There are some bold steps you can take but with a cost...Not knowing where you live-which if it is the Wasatch Front- then steps need to be taken carefully. Independence comes in stages...physical, financial then emotional. The advice to get a job that needs you on Sunday is quite good. But wrecking your grades could jeopardize physical independence.So be careful.Saving money is for you an imperative. Keeping it away from parents also is an imperative. If really bold simply start going to another denomination but the conflicts that will produce may not be worth it. Eventually the mission call will come up...You probably don’t have to worry about BYU since your bishop is not likely to sign the endorsement. That opens up much more opportunities. Having neither myself been in your situation nor any of my children or grandchildren I probably have little to add other than stay focused on the goal of independence and return/report. Much love and concern for you...

Gatorman

I was in your situation many years ago although I was not as brave as you to stand up when I was so young. The church is completely wrong about you. We all have faults, but being gay is not one of them. I am going to give you some advice that I wish someone would have given me at your age.

1. Separate God from the church. They are not even remotely the same thing. Just because the church does not accept you as you are, does not mean God does not accept you. One of the best books I ever read was "Age of Reason" by Thomas Paine. I think it will help you separate religion from God.

2. There are some amazing people outside of the church. The church wants you to believe that church members are the cream of the crop. They are not! The best people I know are almost all non-religious.

3. Stick to your morals. It was a shock leaving the church and going to gay bars. I went from a strict environment to one with no rules. It was hard to know where to draw a line. Not everything you learned in church is bad. I know too many gay people that left organized religion and turned to drugs and sex to cope. I went through a phase where I was having anonymous sex very often. It was my way of coping with the loss of family and friends. It is good to explore your sexuality and find out what you like, just be careful and don't feel like you have to have sex for someone to like you. Stick to your guns.

4. Focus on your education and career. It helps to have goals and being financially stable opens doors and allows you to distance yourself from people that do not accept you. Plus, the workplace is where you will meet a lot of your friends outside of the church.

Anyway, I wish I was there to give you a big hug and talk to you in person. I know it is not easy!!



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/23/2018 08:48AM by Atari.

Has to be so hard. I knew I was gay from day one too a long long time ago. I beat myself up all the time for it since I was in an extreme Mormon family and community. What you are going through is hard, really hard. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though so focus on that.

You are very lucky to figure out that Mormonism is a fraud while you are so young. At least that allows you to like yourself as you should now rather than having to learn to later.

Your parents are the ones who are lost. I hope they can be found. They probably mean well, but meaning well is often nullified when indoctrinated people are involved.

You already know you are a minor and are dependent. You already know that for a while the best choice is probably to play the hand you are dealt. Which means play by your "hosts" rules until you can become independent and leave the nest. Get a job. Save your money. Do your best in school. Start looking at what you want for your future, not what you want now. I promise you nothing will do more for your life than being able to support yourself--which is another way of saying you can call your own shots.

This won't be the last time in your life you will have to "tough something out". This will strengthen you, so there is that. Consider it a challenge and play the game better than anyone. Keep your cards close to your chest. They can put you body in a pew at church, but they can't put anything in your head that you don't want there.

I have had the most wonderful life after Mormonism and all that they did to me. You can too. All the best to you. Hang in there and don't let anyone make you believe ever again that you are "less than" for who you are.

The world is catching on when it comes to gay people. Maybe someday the Mormons will catch up, but I doubt it.

My advice is to try not to be too troubled about things as they are now. Life is always changing and there are many good things in the future. Also recognize that there are a lot of problems in the world and troubles everywhere that many many people are struggling with, Sometimes young people think they are alone in dealing with difficult things and that everyone is doing a whole lot better, and are more popular, more handsome, etc.

But it's not true, just today I was reading about the Palestinian refugees, 16 year old boys, who were bombed out of their home and running for their lives with only the belongings they could carry in their arms.

I would say Try not to think too much or get extremely down. Sometimes we have to carry burdens for extended time, and just do what we can.

I'm so sorry. Know your parents simply don't know anything other than what they have been told at church. They may come to terms with who you are someday, but they may not.

The challenge for you is to decide how you are going to deal with this.

My brother in law was similar to you. He kept trying to get acceptance from his Mormon family about being gay. They simply couldn't deal with the conflict it created in their religious programming. The parents kept calling him a "sinner" who made bad choices. He couldn't admit they were toxic because that was his family after all. It was never resolved. He is 65 and still bitter. He lived a messed up life blaming his church and family.

At some point, you will need to decide to live your own life or live under the shadow of some backwards religion. You can't please everyone so please yourself. Live well. Be your true self.

Do thank your family for teaching you to think for yourself. You can play the "personal revelation" gave and say God answered your payers and gave you guidance to live as the gay person you are. In a few years maybe you can make a stand and cut off your family if they won't agree to your terms. Who knows, maybe they will come to accept you as you are and change their views.

I hope above all you are strong and confident enough not to let it destroy you. People have tried to kill themselves over this situation. You are important and valued in our society. Be free. Be happy. Plan. Work hard. Take advantage of every educational opportunities that come your way. Maybe lay low until you are legal age. Your time will come.

Living well is the best revenge. Finding authentic love is important - if it comes to you, embrace it and be safe. Use your voice for gay acceptance and I will use mine on your behalf.

You are not a sinner. There is nothing wrong with you.

As long as you are underage, you will need to make it work as best you can with your parents. Try not to attract too much attention from them. In the meantime, plot your (future) escape. Do this by getting good grades, getting a job and saving money, and thinking seriously about your career goals.

I know that you very much want to date, but you can hold off on that until you leave home. I had exactly one date in high school, and I survived, lol. What kept me sane was my group of close friends. I hope that you have friends who accept you for who you are.

Welcome to the board!

I'm a woman. I'm 43. I have never had a boyfriend. I have always had fantasies of women since I was maybe 6 years old. They came naturally. I have never had a girlfriend. Does this make me a lesbian ? I don't know. I have NEVER told anybody of my feelings. Being born into the Mormon church they assumed that everyone is heterosexual. I have never wanted to be a Mormon. I have always pretended I was a normal person and never let anyone find out I was from a Mormon family. It's hard for me even at my age.

My advice to you is to not talk about being gay. Do heterosexuals go around and talk about being hetero all time? No. Just live your fantasies in your head. You can maybe let a slip up and say "that's a fine looking guy" sometimes, but don't say the word "GAY". That is the way a Mormon's brain works. there are trigger words

Gay here. Some ideas to consider:

You should prepare to leave at 18.

Family think they’re doing the right thing, but the LDS Church is a fraud. Keep that in mind; study the history & you’ll see. It’s not because they treat gays badly. It’s because Joseph Smith lied.

Try to have some family non-religious times with them. These will be your memories after you leave.

Do research on homosexuality. Prepare yourself to live on your own, being confident you’re doing the right thing.

Remember that everyone here supports & loves you.