A year ago today was the last time that I spoke to my brother. 11 months ago, I made this post:

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1997098

A lot has happened since then, but the end result is the same. We won't speak.

I continued seeing a mental healthcare professional, and that was most helpful. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder, but with mood stabilizers I'm just fine.

In the past year my entire family discovered the rift between my brother and myself. They unanimously sided in my favor, regardless of whether or not they were mormon, my parents included.

Today on the anniversary, I find myself conflicted. I've heard that my brother regrets what happened, but feels he's owed an apology. I've had a few phone calls from him that I rejected, and I returned a Christmas gift entirely untouched.

But I'm still angry. And hurt. I miss him. I've seen photos of my only nephew, the closest I will ever have to a child of my own. This is the nephew I was forbidden to meet. And I mourn the loss of a relationship that never even began. But I can't bring myself to even consider budging on this. Not at all.

I won't speak to him. Not until my brother changes will I speak to him. My brother's condition for me to meet my nephew was to rejoin the church. I've now decided my condition for him to return to my life is to leave the church. He can't be 'sorry' but still expect amends to be made on his terms.

Anyways. I just needed to vent. It's so convoluted and messed up.

I am so very glad that you are among the living and doing well on your meds! That is a victory of major proportions, my friend!

I read your first post on the thread you linked to.

Phew. Okay.

I've mourned the loss of relationships - I still do. It's like there's this rubber band that keeps pulling me back.

It sounds to me like your brother is playing a crap emotional game, and he should be ashamed of himself!

This is hard, but I think it might help: Don't talk to anyone who knows your brother about your relationship with your brother. Your relationship with him belongs to you. You don't need anyone passing (likely inaccurate) messages.

When he's ready to talk without ultimatums, he can tell you - he can leave a voicemail. That business about not seeing your nephew? I don't like your brother one bit.

Yes, you are angry and hurt, and yes, you miss him.

It's been a year, and it might be several more, or sadly never, but it's only been a year. I am not trying to minimize your pain. What I'm trying to express is that my father and I started speaking again after five years, but I'll probably never talk to my mother again (my parents are divorced). My father and I go through fits and starts where something goes sideways, but we decided *together* that when things go sideways, we'll see if we can right the ship. It's hard. Recently he said something to me, and I started crying. We were on the phone, and I didn't think he heard me. I said goodbye, and later he called me and apologized. I did NOT expect that.

Okay, now that I've made it all about me, here's what I can tell you: We do not know what it going to happen. BUT you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to keep your brother out of your life until he comes to his senses. Using your nephew as a emotional football is total crap. I hate that so much!

::sigh::

I'm so glad you're here, on the board and also among the living successfully dealing with crap mental illness.

Seriously, I advise against having people passing messages between him and you. Something always gets lost in translation, who knows why they're saying what they say, and even if they mean no harm, they just need to butt out and let you and your brother choose how to move forward.

My best to you, ender88.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2018 11:35PM by Beth.

I’m not going to tell you what to do. You will have to decide
That for yourself.
My brother did something stupid and childish. I was upset I guess
Because of his lack of judgement. It was between us for about
3 months and then I learned he was in the hospital. My son and I went to see him. He was sicker than I thought and couldn’t speak
Because of a breathing tube down his throat. The following week
He passed away and we never were able to really talk about it

It’s unfinished business and while I did apologize to him there
Was never a true resolution.

I would give anything to be able to go back and fix it with him
and I have to live with my choices. I miss him

OP (and anyone else who is estranged from family/friends) can learn a good lesson from your story. Ask yourself, “If my loved one who I no longer have contact with, ends up in a hospital, emergency room, or on their deathbed…will I run to be by their side?” If the answer is “No", you have truly broken from the relationship. If the answer is “Yes”, then you should stop wasting your time and start repairing the relationship.

I became estranged from my mother, not so much over leaving the church but from leaving my marriage. She sided with me ex (which I was fine with), until I discovered she was conspiring with my ex to distance my children from me. I was NOT fine with that. Combined with a couple of other things…I cut her off. I mourned the loss of our relationship, and I still had a relationship with my father. When my mother became terminally ill there was nothing inside of me that sought a reconciliation. One day I was in a golf tournament and I received a phone call from my ex telling me that my mother only had hours to live. After I hung up, my golf partner asked what was going on. My response was, “My mother is going to die in a couple of hours. How far do you think it is to the hole…about 150 yards?”.

Although I had no contact with my mother for the last four years of her life, I attended her funeral at the request of my father (you know…time to put on the “Mormon family show”). I was the only one there who wasn’t emotional or moved in the least. I didn’t expect to be, I had mourned her loss years before.

A few years later I became estranged from my father as well. Same thing. I didn’t see him for the last three years of his life. My sisters thought they would be hurtful towards me and not invite me to his funeral. They did me a favor…I didn’t have to come up with an explanation for not going.

My parents have both been gone over 10 years now. Last year, for the first time since my mother passed away, I went to their gravesite. Again, I felt nothing. Stood there for a few moments, spit on their grave, and walked away. I’ll never go back…and I have no regrets.

So OP, ask yourself the question I posed above. If your plan is to run to his side should some trauma or disaster hit, then by keeping yourself away now you are just wasting your time that could be spent repairing the relationship. But you should also ask yourself that if in repairing that relationship you will have to walk on eggshells thereafter…do you really have a relationship?

Best of luck to you.

I see I already replied to your post last year.