Okay, so I have been dating the same guy for 10 ten years now. We're best friends and get along great...except for when we don't.

I'm a professor now, and when we met, I was a senior in college, so we have come a lot way together. Unfortunately, he has not worked full-time in about four years. He has tried, though not as hard as he could, to find work, but without a license (he lost it due to unpaid tickets) and with a criminal history (he has an old assault charge), he found it nearly impossible.

He has gone back to school, but, other than when he gets a loan check, he has no money and nothing to contribute financially. He does do a lot of things though, like going to get stuff from the store, etc.

I get irritated because I have to buy him everything. And, if I want to get something to eat, like a sandwich or something, he always wants and pretty much expects one too. He doesn't even really ask. He just assumes it's fine.

I have told him a couple of times that he shouldn't always do this, that maybe he should try and eat cheaper things from the grocery store, etc. I feel bad about this, but then I get irritated all over again. The other day, he even wanted to use money to play in an arcade.

Anyway, I blew up at him recently over all this stuff and how he just takes and takes and now he's disappeared for going on four days. WHen he does this, I think he literally wonders the streets. He told me before he took off, which he did with no warning, that he "doesn't want to be a burden." He did this once before for a month, and it killed me and his family with worry.

What I want to know is WHY? Am I really that much of a bitch to be around? Is this how he copes with his hurt feelings, or is it some kind of manipulation technique? I am trying not to care, but I do worry about him. Oh, and yesterday, he left a book I wanted on my porch? Like WHY...what are you trying to tell me, and WHY can't we just talk like adults. Thanks for letting me vent.

Why can't you talk like adults? He's a child, emotionally. He's not an adult.
Sound like he's a millstone around your neck.
Let him stay gone. He is not your responsibility. He has been using you for years with no apparent need for him to contribute.

Thank your lucky stars he's gone.
He's a big boy. He can take care of himself, from here on out.

Let him go. Get on with your life. You do not need him.

Thank you. I guess I just feel bad because his record has held him back so much from getting a job. Still, I feel he could figure SOMETHING out if he just kept trying, but maybe I'm being unfair

"I guess I just feel bad because his record has held him back so much from getting a job."

How long are you going to feel guilt about that? Unless you're the reason why he has that record, I think it is time you both moved on from that piece of baggage, either together or separately.

Been together 10yrs??? should probably see a counselor if you both truly want to stay together

Hope he stays gone...and change your locks to help him do it.

captainklutz nli Wrote:
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> Hope he stays gone...and change your locks to help
> him do it.


Agree. Change your phone number, or don't answer his calls.

Ah, man! I hate the advice you're being given, only I don't have a logical reason to do so. I think it has to do with my being a sucker for a stray dog.

Right now I have a loose comparison that may resonate... or may not. What the hell...

He can't get a job, but at heart, he probably knows that he could get a job if he buckled down and took care of the license matter by arranging to pay off the fine, etc. (In CA, unless it's a DUI, his record is completely clean 37 months after the most recent ticket. They just disappear off the DMV record, which is all that really counts.)

But he doesn't take care of it. He just lets the days go by, during which he occasionally thinks about correcting the path of his life, but then there's no REAL pressure for him to do so because no matter how many times he wee-wees on the rug, and you scold him, you always forgive him.

And the bullcrap about disappearing...He knows it works!

So here's the deal: if he keeps being forgiven, he's not going to change. He wants to change, but which is harder, playing his current role, or growing up. Yeah, it's growing up. Why stress when the living is easy?

I didn't see the word 'Love' in the OP. Hey, if you love him, then you forgive him all his failings (nobody is perfect) and you live the life you chose. If you're just comfortable with him and having him in your life offers a kind of social security, then maybe you need to take a hard look in the mirror. What might you be avoiding by remaining a player in the current game?

It works so well for you, except when it doesn't.

You really nailed it. I do love him and am comfortable with him, but he does need a kick in the pants to change.

The disappearing though is such a hurtful thing. I don't know if I can forgive it this time :( I don't know why he thinks it "works." Maybe because we all forgive him and miss him and worry about him.

The funny thing is, he only lost his license because he hadn't changed the address on his ID. Well, that's not why, but that's what got him the first citation. He never fixed it, lost his license, and then drove a lot, racking up more tickets and making the situation worse. It's a pretty spot-on metaphor for his life, TBH. He lets little things spiral out of control, and I pick up the slack.

I really appreciate the time you put in to your comment. It helped me a lot.

I can't remember the film, but one female asks the other, "Do you love him?", and the second female answer, "Yes." and the first one responds with something like, "Oh, that's too bad..."

Being in love sometimes makes logic hide in the corner.

Hey, I was the lovable screw up for about the first 28 years of my life. It just takes some people longer to grow up. But then there are the ones who never grow up, many of whom we call the homeless problem. If your friend knows how to live 'homeless', that's not a good thing, because then being homeless is not a threat.

For whatever reason, the economy is said to be hot, and jobs are supposed to be plentiful. He's got to do down and talk to a judge and get all the tickets lined up for payment... except the tickets are probably spread out among a number of different courts, and no all of them are going to be inclined to give him a break for lots of reason and he's probably not all that passionate about it...

Do you have what it takes to drop him, and move on with your life? That's the simplest option, if the sum total of your experience with him tells you that he's not going to change.

And dumping him 'forever' just might give him the push he needs to grow up, and then maybe he'll come back into your life. But you also have to be prepared to deal with his self-destruction, which he'll make sure is blamed on you. But to hell with what his friends and family may say; all the choices he's made have been his and his alone, up to and including hurting himself.

Life sometimes gets to be more interesting experiencing it on TV. And as the Chinese philosopher said to the waiter who gave him some bad Xièfěn shīzi tóu, "May you live in interesting times."

I agree with everyone. The assault charge alone sounds scary. I’d be afraid he’d assault you next, unless it was a case of self defense, then it’s different. You can do a lot better, especially when he’s gone. Let a gentleman take you out, wine and dine you for a change, I know it’ll be hard letting someone go if you’ve known them this long, but it doesn’t sound mentally healthy for you.

The assault charge was from a fight we had about 8 years ago, which is partially why I feel responsible/guilty.

He was mad and drunk and banging on the door to the room I'd locked myself in. He wouldn't stop, so I called the cops. I feel bad for doing that because he never actually hit me, but he still got in trouble.

I guess I feel like I'm partly to blame for the situation he's in, especially since, in our younger years, I did some mean things too, and he never called the cops on me :(

OP
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WHAT? You're not getting it, I see.
This is NOT OK. You've signed up to be a victim. You keep thinking you have the power to change him. Please, Please, listen up. You cannot change him. A physical, mean volatile relationship is not healthy.

He was not arrested for banging on a door. Your story is not adding up.

This is my advice from working a Women's call line many years ago. Please, get yourself into some counseling with someone you trust.

Thank you. I grew up in an abusive household and sometimes it is hard for me to separate everything out.

He really did bang on the door and then hid from the cops. I did not say he hit me, but they thought he did and arrested him.

He doesn't do that kind of thing anymore, but I know the fact that he ever did isn't good at all. I appreciate your honesty

Have you read the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout?
I highly recommend reading this book. This guy may very well be a person either without a conscience or a very low level of one.

Very important to read the book.
Do not let him back in your residence, and definitely change the locks.
I'm hoping for the best for you.
If he becomes angry, starts beating on the door or follows you around get a restraining order. Don't let him get away with any more of his irresponsible behavior.

I will read it! Sometimes, I do wonder if he can be a sociopath, but then he can seem so kind and loving, like with these people we volunteer with. I know there is a lot of goodness and heart in him, but he can definitely do some mean things to us and not think twice :(

It's hard to say. Right now he is in "poor student" phase. When he gets his qualifications, and is hopefully more employable, he could straighten out with some prodding on your part. But the question is, do you have the patience for that?

A woman I know married a lovable screw-up. He has a college degree, which took many, many years to earn, and I think the college finally went ahead and awarded it when he accumulated so many credits. He then proceeded to work at a number of low-paying, random jobs. I don't think he's working now at all. She got an advanced degree and has always been the main bread-winner for the family. And you know what? She sings his praises and thinks he is the best husband ever.

At a minimum I would work up a plan with your boyfriend to pay off his fines, to work with a lawyer or legal aid to see if he can get his criminal record expunged at some point, and to work at least part time so that he can contribute to expenses. But consider that at some point he might pick up the slack in your relationship...or not.

There is no right or wrong answer. It just depends on what you want and what you are looking for.

I read the book, “The Givers And The Takers” by Chris Evatt (sp). That book changed my life—-and marriage.

Evatt contends that it’s generally the taker who gets bored and leaves the relationship.

Get the oldest copy you can find. The re-write won’t help you.


Another good book is “Women Who Love Too Much Daily Meditations.” The book is full of cartoons that will make you see yourself in a very embarrassing light.

Even men have benefitted from reading both these books.

Get out now.

He is manipulating you into feeling guilty and responsible. He is being abusive in a passive-aggressive way, when he disappears. He's hurting his parents, as well as you.

Just because a person is passive-aggressive, doesn't mean that he won't explode into full-blown aggression.

I am afraid for you.

When I was reading this thread, I knew he had probably assaulted you, even before I read about the door-banging incident. I agree with Susie#1, that there's more to it than just door-banging.

You are enabling this sociopath, by making excuses for him. So he just forgot to change his address...he disappeared because of something YOU did or didn't do, etc.

I was married to a sociopath. Such a person can keep you so confused, worried, and focused on them and their problems, that you lose sight of how abused and unhappy you are. You can see this in your post:

>>>"What I want to know is WHY? Am I really that much of a bitch to be around? Is this how he copes with his hurt feelings, or is it some kind of manipulation technique? I am trying not to care, but I do worry about him. Oh, and yesterday, he left a book I wanted on my porch? Like WHY...what are you trying to tell me, and WHY can't we just talk like adults. Thanks for letting me vent."<<<

Please! Please get help! Information helped me, right at first. I read everything I could about sociopaths, psychopaths, Cluster B personality disorders, Narcissistic personality disorder, in the BYU library.

The most important thing I learned is that psychopaths and sociopaths never change! I mean, 99% of them never change! Even if they manage to stop the abusive behavior in the individual, the person still has his/her basic attitude, where victims are concerned. My ex had beaten his sister, assaulted various neighbors, tortured animals, and was not really a scholarship student as he claimed to be. I did not know about any of this, when I married him in the temple. He raped right after the temple ceremony, before the reception, and continued the beatings for months, while I became just like you--an enabler. I felt that it was my fault, and that there was something I could do to help him. After I divorced him in court, with witnesses, he ended up across the country, where no one knew him, again, and married and beat two other temple wives!

Pathological abusers NEVER STOP.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are making yourself crazy, trying to make a logical connection between yourself and his behavior, and there is none! My wife-beater ex would walk in the door angry! I would be cooking dinner, or something, and suddenly he would start throwing me around the room, and shouting at me. I was so careful to be perfect, and low-key, and obedient, but nothing I did had any effect at all. It is only about HIM and HIS PATHOLOGY.

I tried to break up with him while we were dating, and he cried and threatened suicide. He "would not allow me" to break up with him, and pushed himself back into my life. This is a huge red flag! Your BF has other red flags, all over the place! You know this, and that's why you have created your post!

Love? Love yourself! Love your future! Do you want a family or children someday? Do you want a lifetime partner who makes your life BETTER?

You need to leave, today! Please, be very careful, because when the victim leaves the abuser, everything escalates. Get a restraining order, just in case. You don't have to actually use it, but you need to have all the paper work, and everything in place. I was too frightened to just change the locks, as my ex was very large and violent, and would have broken in, so I ran away, and went into hiding, in a large city. I was afraid for my family, so I got a restraining order for my parents and my aunt and uncle, and a personal restraining order for myself.

I didn't know it, but the day the one-year divorce waiting period was over, he married another victim, in the temple. Her family had a lot more money than mine, and she took over the job of putting him through college, and paying for their housing, etc.

If you leave your BF, and make it final, I'll bet he finds someone else within 5 months. People like him are a huge problem in modern society. No one can deal with them--not even their own families--and they end up in prison or on the fringes, as homeless. You can do nothing one way or the other to prevent this from happening to him. Sad, but true.

Please save yourself! You must make plans, and carry them out. I'm so sorry you have endured this monster for 10 years!

Running away wasn't easy, but it was the best thing I ever did. I didn't have much help or support, as I was the first, ever, in my entire TBM family, on all sides and all generations, even the polygamists, to ever get a divorce. I had to give up my job, friends and social life, and contact with my loved ones--but it was only temporary, until he found his next victim. The divorce was a gift I gave myself, and I started a good career, got married, had children, had grandchildren, and am living the life of my dreams.

Take courage. I think it is very wise to "know when to quit." God gave us the ability to run away, for self-preservation.

+10000

OP, he's an abuser, but you somehow feel the need to be a doormat. It's up to you to pull yourself out of it. HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE. I've seen this movie too many times.

I wasn't kidding before...help him stay gone. Change your locks and even garage door remote if you have one with a set code.

Reach out to an abuse hotline if you need to...please!!!

Thank you so much. That really helps a lot. I am going to be strong.

Please, please, please run, not walk, into a better and happier life. Please listen to all those that have posted here and please seek out therapy. You deserve to be happy and safe and have peace in your life. You can do this!

Sending you big hugs of support from this MexMom.

It sounds like he's a user, a taker, and irresponsible and childish individual. Sadly, I think you need to exclude him from your life. He has a cushy situation and doesn't seem willing to step up and grow up.

He is not your responsibility. He's determined to take advantage of you for as long as you'll let him.

I would have a hard time breaking up with him, too. I'm good at being a victim.

BUT my ex has hired many ex-cons and they had much worse records than your boyfriend does. They were in prison for drugs. They have worked for him for years and he works for a big organization and he was still allowed to hire ex-cons. He has hired others besides the ones who work for him now. Your boyfriend should be able to get SOME JOB no matter what it may be.

My son had a girlfriend who live din CA for several years on the streets. She kept using the excuse that she had tickets so she couldn't get her DL back. After my son dumped her as he was tired of her antics, she found out all her tickets were gone and she got her license. SURPRISE!! Now she HAS TO take care of herself. Your boyfriend is just using excuses.

I think you getting a sandwich for you and him something cheaper shows how much you really "care." You've had it. Actually, you just feel sorry for him.

I should add that they were first hired on as temps through temp companies, but were made full employees after some time, so your boyfriend should be able to get a job. I think he doesn't want to.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2018 11:06AM by cl2.

My previous "best" friend was like you. Her attraction to a looser drug dealer ruined our friendship. She ended up moving in with the looser although she was never his girlfriend. She was crazy about him but he just used her because his lac of credit and history of debt kept him from renting an apartment on his own. She called me almost every day complaining about him - that he didn't pay the rent, stole from her, instructed her not to answer the door because the police were after him, etc. She was blind with love and although she was aware of his faults, she just excused them (he was dyslexic and had a difficult childhood, etc...) and continued living with him and used what she believed to be my boundless friendship to constantly complain about his behavior. I grew tired of the constant stress filled phone calls and trying to convince her that he was a looser. We had been friends for over 30 years - since high school, and I had to cut her out of my life - something I didn't think I'd ever do.

It does sound very similar. :(

Is the problem that he doesnt work? Neither does my significant other. Of course when I get food, I get her food too. Why wouldnt I?

AnonforThisOne Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Anyway, I blew up at him recently over all this
> stuff and how he just takes and takes and now he's
> disappeared for going on four days. WHen he does
> this, I think he literally wonders the streets. He
> told me before he took off, which he did with no
> warning, that he "doesn't want to be a burden." He
> did this once before for a month, and it killed me
> and his family with worry.


Do you really believe that he’s on the street?

I’ve seen people pick a fight, leave crying—-until they’re around the corner—-then hook up with their other love for a glorious weekend or month.

kathleen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> AnonforThisOne Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> >
> > Anyway, I blew up at him recently over all this
> > stuff and how he just takes and takes and now
> he's
> > disappeared for going on four days. WHen he
> does
> > this, I think he literally wonders the streets.
> He
> > told me before he took off, which he did with
> no
> > warning, that he "doesn't want to be a burden."
> He
> > did this once before for a month, and it killed
> me
> > and his family with worry.
>
>
> Do you really believe that he’s on the street?
>
>
> I’ve seen people pick a fight, leave
> crying—-until they’re around the
> corner—-then hook up with their other love for a
> glorious weekend or month.


That is an ol female trick, pick a fight so they can go see the "other guy". As for the OP, if he acted the same way toward you if you were in his situation, you would be out the door or have him out. You treated the guy that way and wonder why he is wandering the streets? Either get rid of him or have some patience. No guy wants a woman on their case about not pulling their weight when they are stuck in a rut. I am sure things are hard enough on him without you sitting him down like a child and scolding him for not being able to get a job and wanting a sandwich. BTW- did you really complain about making the poor guy a sandwich? If I were the guy I would probably stay out on the street.

Oh, please. Anyone can get a traffic ticket by not paying attention. Amassing a string of tickets and losing your license is professional grade f*ckuppery. This is in no way OP's fault, except for enabling this jerk.

Dump this clown, immediately. You are 6 (or more) years behind schedule already.

The way I see it: you do not have a boyfriend, you have a little boy, and you are his mommy.

As his mommy, OF COURSE, it is your duty to provide for him, and shame on you for buying a sandwich and not bringing one home for him. What kind of mommy does that?

He will throw tantrums from time to time, so you should put him a time-out chair. No need to call the law.

He is going to forget things, like maintaining his driver's license, because little boys do forget, and there is no need for him to work, because he is just a little boy who forgets things, but no problem, mommy will take care of everything.

OF COURSE, everything that goes wrong is YOUR fault. Little boys blame everything on their mommies. That's just the way their minds work.

One day this little boy may decide to grow up. He will find a nice girl and marry her. Then he will leave you, because little boys who grow up leave their mommies to take a wife.

This is not a joke.

Lois

RUN AWAY.

He sounds like a first class loser. A real man wants to take care of you and be a true partner. Not use your money for an arcade game.

So I hate to say this, but you partially created him to be this way. You've enabled, and he took advantage.

Now please note, I said partially responsible. And he took advantage. Now you could say you tried to treat him as an adult, except he wasn't willing to be an adult, but a user.

Sometimes treating someone as an adult works, but sometimes it doesn't. It depends on the person. Sometimes a person needs to fall flat on their face to wake up and smell the coffee, but sometimes that doesn't work, they just spiral downward. Different tactics work for different people.

Your SO is a user, but you enabled him. In retrospect, you should have recognized this sooner, and started to gradually played hardball.

If he has health issues, or mental health issues, he needs to get help. But if he doesn't, he has the rest of his life to think about and prepare for.

He could always get a job where they don't ask for a background check, like a small trades company.

You need to figure out if the relationship is fixable, or if you want to fix it. If you don't, realize that people tend to fall for the same type of person because they are familiar with it. You need to take time away from this and really think about what type of person you want to be with, and sometimes this takes lots of time. A you are used to being with someone, and will probably feel out of sorts or lonely, but you now should be able to recognize this behavior in other potentials.

But you also need to understand that you have a tendancy to enable, and need to take steps to not be this way, or you will wind up in the same position, unless of course you subconsciously want this.

He definitely needs to change, but so do you. So ask yourself, do you want to change? It's hard and uncomfortable to put up boundaries, but every relationship needs to understand boundaries, and to exert them or the other will take advantage. With some people if you open up a crack, they barge through the door, every time. Some people.

I'm a crew leader over very immature co-op college students. Is the solution that I recommend them being fired? Not necessarily...I need to do what ever I can to help them, communicate expectations...and that has take 2 months so far, but we are coming to understandings more and more as time passes. But I have to constantly put up boundaries. Some get it right away, but some need to be taught. I need to clearly communicate what I personally expect.

There is nothing wrong with communicating what you personally expect. Some people don't see it, but have to be told. Not every immature person will stay immature forever. But some will.

I agree with you.

He may be depressed because some of the means of making a living are closed to him.

But if he is handy/useful and the poster likes the companionship she could think of it as a trade-off.

Heck, husbands with stay-at-home wives have the same set up and often it works out quite well.

This isn't all about the BF not making money.

It's about the lies and manipulations and disappearances and abuse and irresponsibility, etc. This BF is not a good person.

If the BF were a good human being, a kind, loving BF, and made the OP happy, there wouldn't be any thread all about this.

I have a friend who is a medical doctor, and her husband is a house husband. He loves their two children. He is kind and caring and responsible. He's faithful to his wife. He's a happy person. He isn't stupid or lazy--raising children is a huge job. He takes care of the house and yard and cars and grocery shopping and cooking the meals, and all of it! They are legally married, which might make a difference, or might not, but this is a partnership--not one person using another. The doctor is happy because she doesn't have to worry that her partner will disappear, or blow-up. She doesn't have to constantly second-guess his PATHOLOGY. She's free to be happy and concentrate on her career. Yes--this man deserves a sandwich!

I'm sure you've considered his likely point of view on women. And why he maybe resentful of his submissive situation. But if not here it is:

It's just fabulous to be part of a feminist world. Where women have become the dominant figures, women run the office, women know all the answers at school, women read all the books, women get the degrees from college, women get away with being emotional all the time, women are the teachers, women punish the boys for acting like boys, women expect the men to do all the fighting in "all" the wars and refuse to shoot a gun or defend this country, women expect the men to fix everything that is broken down and refuse to lift a sledge hammer yet think they are worth as much in hourly pay, women work far less hours (because of kids) yet for some reason expect equal pay, and equal promotions, woman practically hold all the cards in sex, yet get offended if they are approached by the wrong guy... Women get a "me too" movement, and are always the victim never the criminal in the mainstream media.

The feminist world sucks! (this is likely his point of view)

First red flag: "Been dating for TEN years".

What is a professor doing with such a guy ?
For God's sake don't marry him, even if he asks.

The only way you could stay partners is if he pulls his weight by keeping the house and the cars in good repair.

Very nicely hand him a list of chores each day and see if he sticks around LOL.

If he complies and you want a stay-at-home man he might be worth it.