About two months ago, my adult child came out to me as trans.

My child has my full support.

My world has shifted on its axis. It's not easy for me. I am not trans, so there is no way I will ever understand what it is to be trans.

But this is what I do know: my child has the same civil rights today that my child had three months ago. Period.

You're an inspiration.

And I can't imagine why you'd regret the post...
You've shown an example of what a loving parent does.
Bravo.

Some posters here know my kid IRL and in the digital realm. Some of them have recently expressed an antipathy towards trans people that I didn't know they felt.

Do they hate my child now? Do they think my child's civil rights have disappeared?

I am declaring that my child is trans.
I am declaring that nothing has changed in the past three months except for my awareness of the fact that my child is trans. My child is the same person.
I am declaring that it is unacceptable for someone to try to revoke my child's rights based on their personal bias.

Good for you. As has been said: Love the child for what he/she is, and support them the best you can. Heaven knows, he/she will have a hard enough time dealing with how others treat them.

Even here.

MRTP writes: "my child has the same civil rights today that my child had three months ago. Period."

That is true. What is really cool, though, is that your kid has the same LOVE as your kid had three months ago.

Hie and polly are right. In the lottery that is parentage, your child hit the jackpot.

I’m not really sure what the scope of civil rights is.

I would say your child should have all the same rights as anybody else. However, I think there may be some places and some laws that don’t treat your child as a person who is not trans. If that’s true, it looks to me like that something that is rapidly changing for the better.

So I chime in with anybody else that is noted how awesome it is that Your kid doesn’t have to convince the most important person in their life to accept them as they are.

I’m obviously not paying real close attention to the posts on the board, but most of what I read are people expressing pretty strong feelings that they support people in their differences. I hope you find most of your friends doing that in the future.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/20/2018 10:33PM by jay.

Well put, Jay.

I think MRTP probably underestimates the number of friends they have on this site.

I agree.

I know my son was excited to find out one cousin was gay - and then another. He says it’s cool that he has “a whole range of cousins.” Different times.

Your son sounds like a fine person.

You are doing the most important thing a parent can do, loving your child.

If I live to be a hundred I will never understand parents who can’t love their children for who they are.

Being trans is not something your child decided, the only choice here is to be authentic. Something EVERYONE has the right to be.

I don't know what it's like to be trans, either. But I do know what its like to have wonderful parents. And, luckily, your child will know that also.

Good for you, and for your child!!!!

I watched a friend, born and raised as a man, transition to female. She is much happier now and wishes she'd left the church and transitioned sooner.

Your trans child is so fortunate to have a loving, supportive parent. Too many of them don't--the suicide rate is too high for this group.

I salute you. Truly.

Your support means everything to your child. I wish more parents could be as accepting as you are.

The fact that you love your child and support them is HUGE.

I agree, but with the caveat that, if the world were as it should be, your attitude and love would be normal.

Best wishes to you and your child.

Tom in Paris

I'll throw in my support for you and your child. I'm guessing you're aware of the potential long road ahead of them. It's good to know they have a supportive parent who's standing by them!

Your child is so lucky to be loved by you, love and support is

what every child needs and you provide it. Keep up the good

work.

Two of my three grandchildren came out as trans recently. They are all adults. The three of them were abandoned as children by the p.o.s. my daughter married--i.e., their biological father, and it hurt them all terribly and in different ways. The eldest is the only girl (born female), and she was always "Daddy's girl." I remember when he left and never came back and never called or paid any child support and never sent a birthday card or a Christmas gift----I remember thinking that my granddaughter was going to grow up and have severe problems with men. Her next in line sibling was born male and also autistic. The baby was also born male, but is now transitioning to female, while his big "sister" is now non-binary, and prefers the pronoun "they" rather than "he" or "she." This was difficult for me--the "they" thing, b/c it makes me think plural when the person in question is only one person.

To make it harder, the autistic middle child does not adapt well to change (which is true of most autistic people). So having to call both his siblings by new names and refer to each by a different gender pronoun---they and she when they used to be she and he, has been difficult.

I am proud of them and love them so much that sometimes I can hardly stand it. I want to protect them from the hatred and bullying they are going to be facing in our society. The youngest has started electrolysis to rid herself of excess body hair, starting with her face. Naturally, she was the one with most hair, and the treatments are expensive. They both want to legally change their names--both first names to reflect their gender changes, and their last name to reflect the fact that their father left them as small kids and never came back and ruined their futures by throwing them into poverty, and they don't want anything at all to do with him, and do NOT want to have to carry his name. We know he is alive but not sure if he is living in California or has moved back to the Midwest. Ironically, their mother (my daughter) still carries his name as well, because she was not able to pay to divorce him. The attorneys said she would have to hire a private detective to find him, pay hundreds more in advertising the impending divorce, etc. It would end up being thousands of dollars and she didn't have the money and I (being divorced myself and not earning a lot) was unable to help. She had massive student loan debt and other debts, was depressed, working as a waitress, and the government kept all her tax refund money every year. Her credit is ruined. My grandchildren (the two who are trans) will probably both take my name for their last name.

In the meantime, the three of them (the grandkids) live together in a trailer in a trailer park community. They are all employed, but none could afford college.

I live in constant fear of the things that might happen to them out of the hatred and fear that so many people have of trans people. They are accepted and liked at their workplaces, and at our UU church, of course. My daughter lives about 65 miles away in a larger city with her boyfriend. I would like to become more involved with our local PRIDE office and PFLAG, but I am fighting lung cancer and it appears I will lose the fight. My next scan is September 12, with results the next day.


I really applaud you for your love and support for your child. I try to do everything I can to help and support my grandkids, but I think I'm going to have to have a "sit down" conversation with the eldest. Introducing "them" to someone new is so hard for me, as the name she has chosen could be male or female, and I have trouble not automatically saying "her" while speaking of "her" with someone. I introduce her as my grandchild but there always comes a place or several places in a conversation where "she" or "he" would be needed, and saying "they" is extremely awkward for me. Non-binary is exceptionally difficult for many people to understand--myself included! It is not the same as bisexual. My daughter is bi, and I have no problem with that, either. I understand bi. I don't really understand non-binary.


The only thing I know for sure is this: I have loved these children with all my heart from the day that each was born, and I would do anything in the word for them now, including making myself available as a PRIDE board member to go speak at various businesses and service organizations, clubs, etc., to try to answer questions people have about trans people. But my fear now is that I may not live long enough to be able to do that.

You obviously love your child as I love mine, and I hope you won't ever be afraid to stand up for your kid, no matter who or where. They are who they are, and that doesn't change. They deserve love and acceptance and respect, just as we all do. Good luck to you and to your trans child!

Boilerluv, my best thoughts go with you during your health crisis. Hopefully you'll get better results than you expect with the scan.

You inspire me to be kind.

Will you please let us know how you're doing? You are not alone.

All you can do is to love and support your child, and you are doing just that. Best wishes moving forward.

How great that your child has you.

I have the monthly meetings on my calendar. There have been two since my kid came out to me, but I, I don't know. I'm afraid. Not of the people or anything. I'm just generally out of sorts. This is scary territory for my kid and for me, and if I start crying or something, what does that mean? How do I keep my emotions in check when they run the gamut?

I don't want to do anything to make this harder on my kid than it already is. Although we don't live in the same state, I would feel like I was not supporting my kid if I cried.

I'm feeling supersaturated

>"... if I start crying or something, what does that mean?"

Just my take... It means you're human. You have emotions. It doesn't mean that you don't love your child or that you don't support them. There are a lot of reasons why people cry.

I've never experienced what you're going through, I don't even have a child of my own. But I'd imagine that you're overwhelmed. Your child is going through something that is big and potentially scary. It is literally life changing. Having strong emotions about it would be very, very normal. It's OK to be overwhelmed, this is big news. It's OK to feel those emotions. Holding them in and refusing to cry is when you get into trouble.

I would suggest going to a group. I don't know much about them, but PFLAG is supposed to be good. Being around people who are going through the same thing you are can help you understand your emotions and how to deal with them.

You support your child, that's amazing. (You'd think that be normal, but unfortunately all too often it's not) It's OK to get support and information for yourself, that is a great way to help you be more effective and supportive of your child.

Might regret this post Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have the monthly meetings on my calendar. There
> have been two since my kid came out to me, but I,
> I don't know. I'm afraid. Not of the people or
> anything. I'm just generally out of sorts. This is
> scary territory for my kid and for me, and if I
> start crying or something, what does that mean?
> How do I keep my emotions in check when they run
> the gamut?
>
> I don't want to do anything to make this harder on
> my kid than it already is. Although we don't live
> in the same state, I would feel like I was not
> supporting my kid if I cried.
>
> I'm feeling supersaturated

The folks at the meeting will be kind and sympathetic, I'm sure, and will totally understand. They've all been through it themselves. And if for some reason you feel uncomfortable, you are free to leave whenever you want to or need to. I'd think it might be worth a try. Good luck to you.

Thank you for the support.

Some days are easier than others. I've told my kid I'm going to mess up, and I'm so sorry. I ask a few questions here and there when we speak. My kid came out on FB, and I'm waiting to see what my parents say/do.

It's harder for my kid than for me. It is hard, though.

It is a beautiful thing to witness...your unconditional love.
Sending biggest hugs of support from this MexMom.

Very happy to hear that you support your child. Having a supportive family is critically important for an LGBTQ person. Good for you, and all the best to your child and you.

Biology does what it does. What are you going to do, disown them? You’re so lucky to not take seriously the General Authoritahs.

I have several trans acquaintances, only one that I knew as the other sex. I admit it's harder when you knew them before publicly transitioning than if you met them after. Although, now I don't think of Victoria as anybody other than who she is--it seems weird to remember her as Ronnie. And even in the beginning, I had no problem with her using the ladies room, but I told her to make sure she puts the seat down and didn't become one of the annoying young women who hog up the mirror.

I don't even begin to understand it, but I'll bet if you asked them, they'd tell you the same thing--cis people can't understand it. Especially, why they would put themselves out there if it wasn't really important, and in many cases, a life or death decision.

So thank you so much for the post, because the three statements you made are the ones we all need to internalize with any of our trans family or friends:

"I am declaring that my child is trans.
I am declaring that nothing has changed in the past three months except for my awareness of the fact that my child is trans. My child is the same person.
I am declaring that it is unacceptable for someone to try to revoke my child's rights based on their personal bias"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/22/2018 11:36AM by NormaRae.

Why would you regret this post? There is nothing to be worried or ashamed about.

I had the privilege to play on a sports team with a female to male athlete. I did not even know it at the time, but it would not have mattered if I had. One of my best friend's daughters came out as trans a few months ago. Even though my friend is gay and understands what it is like to be different, it has been a struggle for him so don't kick yourself for struggling with it. You sound like an amazing parent.

I just wanted to say again how cool this poster is and how wonderful it is to see all the support.

Imagine: a young person who feels safe enough to come out of their cocoon and spread their wings. In many respects society has come a long ways!

I agree.

As a parent, I honestly don't get -- in any way -- the "tough love" nonsense some parents deal out when their kids don't do what they want. Or when they aren't what they want as human beings.

Seriously, there isn't ANYTHING my kids could tell me about themselves that would make me not love them. Or support them. There would be challenges with something like them killing another person (not that they would...). But even with that I'd still love and support them. When it comes to what I personally consider "normal" thinks like being gay or trans...I can't imagine kicking them out of the house, or shunning them, or doing anything other than give them a hug and let them know I'm on their side, always. As somebody mentioned above, that should be what's "normal."

Yet I still see all around me parents doing exactly the opposite. Last year we had a friend of my daughter stay with us for a week, because her parents kicked her out of the house. Her offense? She went out with a boy they didn't like. And they literally locked her out of their home, and told her to go find someplace else to live. So of course we brought her in, and after a week smoothed things over with her parents. But not before I let her dad have it good, telling him what a tool I thought he was, and how his actions weren't going to have the effect he wanted them to have...:)

I look forward to the day when the OP's actions aren't considered exceptional or brave (though they are indeed both). Just normal. And widespread.

There is much wisdom in Kabul, I've noticed.

We conjure our kids into existence without their permission and accordingly owe them acceptance and support. Parents may feel disappointed when they wanted their baby to have brown eyes but they come out blue, but that disappointment should last about a nano-second. That applies to all genetic features. Some realities may take longer to manifest, certainly, but how difficult is it to learn a few new pronouns?

On child rearing, I'm not sure if it is at age 8 or age 18 but at some point parents have little direct leverage left. Gone are the days when one could simply appeal to the old family friend Corporal Punishment. So compulsion becomes persuasion and ultimately mere suasion.

Any parent who locks his kid out of the house is likely to learn very quickly that there is a gulf yawning between him and his kid. And gulfs are bad. MRTP and MRTP's child are probably very close and will grow closer still as they, together, practice new pronouns and shop for new clothes.

Lot's Wife Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> We conjure our kids into existence...

Is that what the younger generation is calling it now?
Conjuring?

:)

(I don't mean to denigrate your wonderful post with low-brow humor, but I'm in a great mood today. Just filled my last programmer opening with a great candidate, and I was lucky to get her! And to connect to another thread...it was a high-paying job that required a college degree! And I filled it with a woman!)

You just connected at least three threads.

Congratulations on that as well as a good and productive day!