Posted by:
boilerluv
(
)
Date: August 21, 2018 04:01PM
Two of my three grandchildren came out as trans recently. They are all adults. The three of them were abandoned as children by the p.o.s. my daughter married--i.e., their biological father, and it hurt them all terribly and in different ways. The eldest is the only girl (born female), and she was always "Daddy's girl." I remember when he left and never came back and never called or paid any child support and never sent a birthday card or a Christmas gift----I remember thinking that my granddaughter was going to grow up and have severe problems with men. Her next in line sibling was born male and also autistic. The baby was also born male, but is now transitioning to female, while his big "sister" is now non-binary, and prefers the pronoun "they" rather than "he" or "she." This was difficult for me--the "they" thing, b/c it makes me think plural when the person in question is only one person.
To make it harder, the autistic middle child does not adapt well to change (which is true of most autistic people). So having to call both his siblings by new names and refer to each by a different gender pronoun---they and she when they used to be she and he, has been difficult.
I am proud of them and love them so much that sometimes I can hardly stand it. I want to protect them from the hatred and bullying they are going to be facing in our society. The youngest has started electrolysis to rid herself of excess body hair, starting with her face. Naturally, she was the one with most hair, and the treatments are expensive. They both want to legally change their names--both first names to reflect their gender changes, and their last name to reflect the fact that their father left them as small kids and never came back and ruined their futures by throwing them into poverty, and they don't want anything at all to do with him, and do NOT want to have to carry his name. We know he is alive but not sure if he is living in California or has moved back to the Midwest. Ironically, their mother (my daughter) still carries his name as well, because she was not able to pay to divorce him. The attorneys said she would have to hire a private detective to find him, pay hundreds more in advertising the impending divorce, etc. It would end up being thousands of dollars and she didn't have the money and I (being divorced myself and not earning a lot) was unable to help. She had massive student loan debt and other debts, was depressed, working as a waitress, and the government kept all her tax refund money every year. Her credit is ruined. My grandchildren (the two who are trans) will probably both take my name for their last name.
In the meantime, the three of them (the grandkids) live together in a trailer in a trailer park community. They are all employed, but none could afford college.
I live in constant fear of the things that might happen to them out of the hatred and fear that so many people have of trans people. They are accepted and liked at their workplaces, and at our UU church, of course. My daughter lives about 65 miles away in a larger city with her boyfriend. I would like to become more involved with our local PRIDE office and PFLAG, but I am fighting lung cancer and it appears I will lose the fight. My next scan is September 12, with results the next day.
I really applaud you for your love and support for your child. I try to do everything I can to help and support my grandkids, but I think I'm going to have to have a "sit down" conversation with the eldest. Introducing "them" to someone new is so hard for me, as the name she has chosen could be male or female, and I have trouble not automatically saying "her" while speaking of "her" with someone. I introduce her as my grandchild but there always comes a place or several places in a conversation where "she" or "he" would be needed, and saying "they" is extremely awkward for me. Non-binary is exceptionally difficult for many people to understand--myself included! It is not the same as bisexual. My daughter is bi, and I have no problem with that, either. I understand bi. I don't really understand non-binary.
The only thing I know for sure is this: I have loved these children with all my heart from the day that each was born, and I would do anything in the word for them now, including making myself available as a PRIDE board member to go speak at various businesses and service organizations, clubs, etc., to try to answer questions people have about trans people. But my fear now is that I may not live long enough to be able to do that.
You obviously love your child as I love mine, and I hope you won't ever be afraid to stand up for your kid, no matter who or where. They are who they are, and that doesn't change. They deserve love and acceptance and respect, just as we all do. Good luck to you and to your trans child!