So little by little over 4 months more and more church stuff has entered my daughter's emails from her mission. This week was all church stuff and no reply from our one-on-one emails.

I'm feeling upset and sad. The damned email was gushing about Rusty and how exciting changes are probably going to be announced and how wonderful having a living prophet was...urp, gag.

I'm a bit down and heart broken. I could see it coming. My emails aren't the most supportive. I just hate that this has finally happened. Part of me wants to reply to her group email gushing about the tin man and part of me wants to just wait and see what next week brings. Angelic visitations no doubt. The 3 Nephites are probably going to help her in some way. She almost got hit by a falling tree as she was tracting in a storm so at least I can thank the Great Cheese and Mice that it moved the cheese to not get her killed or injured.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/02/2018 06:50PM by Elder Berry.

So sorry, EB.

You're at a distance, and only have minor influence now and then by e-mail.
The cult is omnipresent with her, and is currently providing pretty much all of her positive and negative reinforcement. It's not surprising, as you noted.

All is not lost, however.

I can assure you, for the first year of my mission all of my letters (this was pre-email) followed a similar trend. In fact, looking back, I can honestly say that the more I got tired and lonely and discouraged, the more "churchy" my letters became. In a vain effort to "delve into the work" and find happiness there.

But it never came. The bad food, enforced rules, asshat companions, etc. all gradually took their toll. The real me began to sneak out now and then. Until, by the time I went home, all I wanted was to be free of church and rules and preaching nonsense, and just be me.

There's hope for her yet. Hang in there :)

ificouldhietokolob Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There's hope for her yet. Hang in there :)

Thanks. It is like winning the lottery. I keep buying tickets against incredible odds.

Elder Berry Wrote:
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> Thanks. It is like winning the lottery. I keep
> buying tickets against incredible odds.

*Somebody* wins nearly every week...:)

I could say something really stupid like, "It's always darkest before the dawn," but the truth is this just sucks now. Who knows if the dawn is even coming.

So hard to accept the things you can't change. Feeling powerless is the worst. However, "it's not over till the fat lady sings" and Mama Cass is dead so you have a long time for things to turn around on their own before the resurrection. Facts and truth seem to be harder to kill than crab grass--keep coming back like zombies from a B movie. So that is the bright future I paint for you.

I feel for you E.B.

I said all that stuff in my letters because, well, that is what you do when you are a missionary. 19 is very very young--especially if you are Mormon.

For my good friend Elder Berry—

1. Take a long series of cleansing breaths ...
2. Learn to quickly skim emails for anything other than faith-promoting shit...
3. Send her an email telling her how much you love her. Be specific about the wonderful times and things you both have shared.
4. Repeat, repeat, repeat ...

Give her 2-3 weeks when she gets home to settle back into non-missionary life.

Then, enjoy a lifetime with your daughter. This worked with my RM kids, I never hear anything about the missions. My best guess is that their mission were big letdowns.

BIG BROHUGS AND A HEARTY FUCK THE MORG, my friend!

Wisdom.

Good sound advice

I can always rely on a boner when I need one.

feels OPie ~


nephew's emails are gush-fests of how the mormoron godspell is blossoming forth and prospering in the god-less land of the Ukraine ~


Josephs Myth is nephew's lord and savior ~



*hand smacks head*

continue. With my son, he stayed in mishie mode until he had been home for at least a couple of months.

My very chatty, gossipy letters, deliberately full of questions about the mission experience, almost always went unanswered. What we got in return was mostly robotic testimony-bearing.

I asked him why he wrote like that, some months after he got home. He said, that's what they were told to do. Nothing about the mission experience itself, interesting "happenings," the food, much about the area - and apparently these letters were to remain unsealed until they had been reviewed by somebody higher up the food chain. (We didn't have e-mails in those days.)

I said, in no small measure of frustration, "But I asked so many questions, trying to give you material to write about!" He said bluntly, "Your questions drove me nuts, because I wasn't allowed to answer stuff like that."

We eventually gave up hoping to hear from our "real" son. His dad had been on a mission too, but he said that their letters home could be posted without prior review, so he did tell his parents things about the mission. And his comp wrote and told his parents when DH became very ill with a parasite infestation and lost about 60 lbs over a few months' time. He even sent a photo, to show them how ill DH was. I've seen that photo. He looked like he had been in a concentration camp.

The MP's wife gave DH a "yerba" or herbal tea that was considered a local cure-all, but it didn't seem to affect the parasites in any negative way.

That's when MIL all but threatened to castrate MP with a butter knife. She verbally ripped him a new one, and demanded that DH be sent to a quality hospital in the capital city somewhere down in Central America. She was not one to argue with.

So DH was hospitalized for a couple of weeks, given medicine that just about killed him (he was told that the medicine had to be very potent, to kill the parasites, see) and for a time, he looked like a scarecrow in his suits.

Anyway, we became accustomed to news-free, testimony-laden letters, and just hoped Son would recover when he got home. He did. He and his family are out now, and he even drinks the occasional cold one with buddies after work.

The daughter you raised may be lost to you, for a while. But she is still there, inside that robotic outer self. Don't lose hope. Keep writing chatty letters about everything going on at home - Mom's latest hairstyle, cousin's new car (oy, it's such a junker!) Make them as vivid as you can. While she may not acknowledge it, a part of her is longing for this connection.

All things churchy are her environment now, so that's what you hear about. It's your job to keep reminding her - with as much detail and humor as possible - that there is a parallel world out here, with people who love her in it.

You aren't in this alone. Keep us posted as often as you need to!! ((HUGS!))

Maybe something such as,"You know we dont agree on religion so let's talk about family matters or what you are seeing and learning about the place where you are serving. The world is full of other subjects. I dont mind some discussion of your mission experience, but this feels a bit like preaching and makes me uncomfortable.Let's agree to disagree and let' s talk about things we both like. Love you."

She's competing... Mostly with herself, but it's a competition nonetheless...

"How holy can I go-ly?!"

My son would send emails talking about all of the "miracles" he was experiencing. Since it was more of a group email than a personal email, I wrote it off as him "playing to the crowd".

He was well aware that I supported him, but not what he was doing. Outside of sending him some cool care packages when he was in the MTC, we had an understanding between us that I would not pay one dime towards his mission in general.

I never failed to email him every week. Not one of those emails were spiritual or church related. I told him about life, sports, what was going on with friends, current events, etc. I encouraged him to work hard, be aware of his surroundings at all times, and to be safe and not take any chances. I let his TBM mother (my ex) waste his reading time with emails full of TBM crap.

When it came time for him to return home his plane landed at a major airport about 100 miles away. He had a five hour layover there before boarding a puddle jumper plane home. He asked if I could drive down and pick him up at the major airport instead of him waiting five hours for his short flight home. Of course I could!!

One of the highlights of my life was hugging him when he got off the plane. I didn't want to let him go. Finally I did...after telling him that someone would probably tell us to "get a room". We went straight to his requested lunch spot (In-N-Out), where he thanked me for coming to get him. He told me his mother was planning some sort of HUGE airport welcome, had invited the whole ward to greet him, balloons, streamers, posters, video guy, marching band, etc. He wasn't into all of that, so when he saw the opportunity for me to grab him 100 miles away instead...he jumped on it. He told his TBM mother not to come, to stay at home, and he would catch up to her later. LOL!! It was great to have him to myself for the two-hour drive home.

Hang in there E.B. One day your daughter's "coming home date" will creep up on you.

No need to respond unless you feel it's going to help in some way.

You could simply respond with family news and the like and totally ignore the religious stuff

Is she your youngest and last to be missionized?

Hugs to you, EB.

She is the first and all 3 of my kids have expressed interest in "serving" Humbug!

Remember these emails are read and censored before you see them.

I don't know if incoming emails are censored.

Might I suggest the old fashioned pen and paper?

I know it's far away but at least it would not be censored.

Was it a group email? If so, that puts it in a different light.

She is only going to be there 18 months, and then you get her back. If I remember correctly you too were once a missionary and you must know how many poor kids take on the missionary persona to survive and then drop it within a few months in reality upon returning. Just keep sending emails the way you normally would without aknowledging the church sh!t.

Hi, EB. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

My son's buddy went out on his mission - not my child but a boy that did chores in my house and I love like my own. I would not reinforce any of his missionary stuff, but I wrote him every week. I told him everything I could about his favorite sports teams. I know that sounds kind of dumb, but he has told me several times that he looked forward to my letters - they always made him smile.

Is there anything she loved to do back home? Can you send her updates on that kind of thing? It is still reaching out to her. Tell her you love her no matter what.

The only other thing I did was to gently mention to him on a few occasions that he was still touching the lives of the people he interacted with - whether they converted or not. He believes in God, and I tried those few times to let him know that you can do God's work in other ways besides converting them to your way of thinking. I let him know this when he had expressed some dissapointment in "losing" an investigator. It was different from the narrative he was being told - that he was failing. I just let him know success sometimes doesn't look like what we think it will.

When my dad was in your shoes he took care of my car and told everyone he was glad I was learning a second language. That's about all you can do. Let her know your love is unconditional.

When I came to my senses about LDS, Inc. I remembered my dad's continuing love no matter what. She's deluded and until her mental state is more mature you will just have to endure.

I'm really sorry my dad died before he saw me leave tscc. I certainly hope that you will live to see the day your daughter wakes up and and asks, "Dad, how did you ever stand all my Mormon insanity all those years?"

If your dear daughter sees the light while on her mission she will be miserable. Just keep your fingers crossed she stays safe and learns some important life lessons while away. It will take time for her to get out of the missionary zeal mode when she gets home. Please be patient. I can happen.

I can guarantee your daughter is homesick. She's convincing herself as much as you that everything is rosy. I was in one of the most beautiful and desirable missions, had a blast, but was STILL homesick. Your letters, hand written snail mail could become treasures for her, will help her keep in touch with reality if you talk about normal things like US news, TV shows she used to watch, family affairs, what her stateside friends are up to, etc. And if packages to her doesn't get stolen or censored by LDS,INc., I'd send American things like popcorn, peanut butter, her favorite snack foods, candy, and comics. Those things were so comforting to all the missionaries in my mission. Even though "they" have strict rules about music, it may be possible to send her something legal that isn't the MoTabs. My favorite was a Cassette (showing my age) of hip Christmas music by jazz artists. It gave me a sense of reality and individuality. It was the only cassette I could stand to listen to. I listened to it year round. Good luck getting through this.

Pooped Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My favorite was a Cassette
> (showing my age) of hip Christmas music by jazz
> artists. It gave me a sense of reality and
> individuality. It was the only cassette I could
> stand to listen to. I listened to it year round.
> Good luck getting through this.

Thank you for your suggestions. I really can resonate with your cassette. I did the same thing with one I found and bought on my mission - George Winston's December. I wore it out.

What is it with Mormons and group e-mails? Is the arrogant Mormon too busy and important to write each individual a personal letter? Yet--the people have to answer one-on-one. I'm sure that the Mormon cult invented "the Christmas letter." They are masters at "the one-sided conversation", as well. I have had some Mormons TELL me why I left the cult, but not one has ever ASKED me why. Mormons only talk, and seldom listen.

Have you ever received any kind of personal letter or card from the cult that actually had your name on it? "Dear Member." Or usually no salutation at all. Even when my father made a huge donation to BYU, he got a form letter, saying his donation "was received" and it "was appreciated"--using the passive tense. (Not even the third-person passive, more like the no-person passive.) And at the end, the last letter I received didn't even offer me the kindness of saying I was "resigned." It said only I was "off the roles" but could be reinstated. Becoming reinstated was not the purpose of the letter; in fact, it was as far off the subject as one could get! What did we expect--a "Thank you for your years of service and donations?"

If you expect a "Thank you, Daddy, I miss you, Daddy, I love you Daddy, I can't wait to see you, Daddy," you will be disappointed. At BYU, I knew a lot of girls in the dorms who wrote to missionaries, and it was very unsatisfying to them.

I mailed printed forms to a missionary, years ago, with return envelopes. He was to fill in the blanks, and mail them to me. "How are you? Check one: Fine_____ Not fine____" You get the idea. "Is your cold better? Yes____ No___" He would never answer my questions, otherwise. Teen agers and Mormons often need to be taught empathy.

If you are a businessman, you could send her an office memo, just as a joke.

Mormons are not known for their polite manners.

The emails are written with a person looking over your shoulder on a church operated server.

Even if your designated spy isn't reading the mail before it leaves, the church robot would alert to key words and flag the email for further "review"

Written word is about the only way to openly communicate.

My daughter isn't on a mission, but many of the things she says while in Alaska for the summer are about church. I just send her replies chatting about what is going on at home.

I remember when the light bulb came on in my head about how the church rips our children from us just as they get out of high school. I have a friend who had 4 boys and they overlapped on missions and I realized how difficult it was for her, but of course, she never complained. I knew I didn't want my son ripped from me like that.

She will be back. My daughter may be crazy TBM, but she's still mine and she's here right now after 7 months in Alaska, and I WILL make sure we get along a I need her more than she needs me sometimes. No matter what, she'll always be mine.

"She will be back. My daughter may be crazy TBM, but she's still mine and she's here right now after 7 months in Alaska, and I WILL make sure we get along a I need her more than she needs me sometimes. No matter what, she'll always be mine."

This is really important to combat the influence of the church in their lives. I love what you said and it bears repeating, cl2.

I'm sorry, Elder Berry, I know that must hurt.

I agree with those who say to ignore anything churchy and simply send her news of the real world -- about her family, friends, pets, interesting movies or TV shows, etc. Tell her that you love her and that you want her to stay safe. I bet she will treasure those emails.

"I bet she will treasure those emails."

I hope she can figure out how to save them. The server is LDS.

My best advice is to write back to her frequently, but only discuss things going on with you and your world....family, friends, events, job and small life items that you are dealing with. It will remind her that there are other things going on in the world and maybe distract her from the nonsense for a few moments.

Rinse and repeat like laundry where you lather all thru the bs like detergent tossed dirt out of clothes rinsed back in love lathered in examples stated love was real when *declared narrative concrete nouns specific adverbial phrases detailed proof
Nails reality where love is, love has been, and love is
In like water poured through the laundry rinse cycle spinning b s & dirt away.
Clean the dirty laundry
Tell her love her spin her dirty laundry

Rinse & repeat. Recycle. And do it again.

What a wonderful group of people you are!

To clarify a bit. It is a group email. My wife said that she responded to her but thought that she was probably busy responding to others. She gets 1 F*cking HOUR for correspondences!

Ugh! I'm torn between your suggestions. A part of me really likes Cheryl's and another part loves the many flood her with non-church info on the family. We have had some really funny stories from the other two in college.

Thanks for supporting me. You don't know how much it means. Like in the movie "The Matrix" I feel like the only one who isn't a battery for the church in regards to this whole missionary thing.

My daughter was well loved in the ward so we are getting all sorts of feedback about how great this is for her. Shiz.

Even back in my TBM missionary days I found myself writing letters home much like what you say your daughter is. Thing is, in retrospect I realize that I was just trying to convince myself, not the folks at home, that things on the mission were so great, perfect, spiritual (you get the idea). In reality I was miserable most of the time and full of doubts. Though I LOVED the area I was in the church started to creep me out more and more. I found most of the members dysfunctional, other missionaries were either brown nosing nazi's or silently suffering like myself, and church leadership from Bishops/Branch Presidents to Mission Presidents to visiting area authorities were so corporate that I felt no since of spirituality out of any of them.

So maybe, just maybe, your daughter's increasingly churchy oriented letters is just her trying to convince herself that the church really is what it claims to be. Give her time and space.

I remember sending my family 99% churchy stuff on my mission in the 70's, and they were nonmembers. I do not think it is unusual. I know you must miss having normal conversations with your daughter. When she gets home, she will come around. (((EB))))

Try to be patient. Eventually, the rose colored glasses fall off with unreasonable companions and ridiculous expectations.

Just keep writing to her.

I emailed my daughter. I sent updates, funny stories, and how much I love her.

Her allotted time is during an important weekly meeting at work. The time it was canceled I was able to email with her. So thanks to "inspired" isolation and 1 hour a week for email, I don't get much communication with my daughter. I hope her emails (group) reduce the mushy LDS junk now that GC is over.

She might think that's where she's living now, but you can gently remind her that she's in an invisible bubble without stating so.

If you're acquainted with the things she enjoys, give her updates. "So and so released a new album. I've downloaded it for you. So you can enjoy it when you're home." "So and so won an Oscar for __________. I bought the DVD/mp4 for you." I don't know if doing so is manipulative. Maybe it is. If it is, I don't know if it's the right thing to do. There are probably other ways to tether her to the real world.

Much, much love to you, EB.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2018 01:01PM by Beth.

Oh, what a great idea. I'm going to have to ask her sibs what her latest crazes were!

I agree with all the suggestions to keep talking about normal everyday happenings, things that you know she likes.

It will keep alive normality, reality, at a time when her everyday life is in a bubble that distorts her reality

angela Wrote:
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> It will keep alive normality, reality, at a time
> when her everyday life is in a bubble that
> distorts her reality

Especially with all the Nelson is a prophet awe that people are thinking. They don't understand ministering. They don't care about the Mormon label. They are glad the block is down an hour so Rusty MUST be a prophet! Mysteries, missives, and more time with family!

My daughter is finished her mission in a couple of days. I read her weekly Facebook posts, and by all appearances, she had the time of her life.

Also she loves the Newfies, and the other maritimers.

It is what it is. That's all I can say, it is what it is.

6 iron Wrote:
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> My daughter is finished her mission in a couple of
> days. I read her weekly Facebook posts, and by all
> appearances, she had the time of her life.

Congrats! She will make it home safe, sound, and sane?