Posted by:
levantis
(
)
Date: October 20, 2018 02:28AM
When I was a child, I was diagnosed with ADHD and Tourettes Syndrome. Just last year I was diagnosed with PTSD due to traumatic experiences when I was about 8. Anybody knows that when you're young, if you're different, you're going to be a prime target to be made fun of, so I told no one.
When I was in High School back in the late '90's, I was still questioning, but I was lucky enough to be completely straight acting; but I had a low self-esteem almost all of my life, so there was no way in hell that I was going to let anybody know about my feelings with all of the stories I'd heard about violence against Homosexuals.
To be honest, trying to be a good Mormon, and being told that Homosexuality is a sin, you will probably never know the utter despair knowing that try as you might, you're never good enough to get rid of it. This evil thing that was a CHOICE, but you can be a normal person by following the teachings of the profits.
Eventually, I just stopped trying.
My Mother is a very toxic, judgmental TBM. I was sitting next to her one day a few years ago and she said offhandedly how "gays are so evil". Thanks, Mom. I'm trying my best, was the only response I could think to myself. To be quite frank, it's a miracle, if you believe in such things, that I'm still alive. That woman has caused me to become suicidal just for being toxic. I learned the hard way to never go to her when you're depressed or feeling suicidal.
I started questioning the Church about 2 years ago. Thanks to my therapist, I found out about Dallin H. Oaks and his methods of trying to cure Gays during his leadership at BYU.
I have never met him, and he has never affected me directly or indirectly, but just knowing that he has hurt so many people, and is tearing families apart is a trigger for my anxiety.
And yes, I had an immediate panic attack when I found out that horrid, mean THING was called to be in the presidency. I took some Xanax and cried myself to sleep.
Even though I'm comfortable with my sexuality, only about 6 people know that I'm gay. If certain people found out I honestly don't think I'll survive the fallout.