Date: October 28, 2018 03:52PM
Salt Lake City--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues its series of reforms. This week's target: brightly-colored clothes.
In an announcement that upset many adherents to the Latter-day Saint faith, Church spokesman L.L.S.B. Willard Hayes McLellan, Jr., relayed the bad news. "President Nelson has impressed upon my mind the importance of wearing dull colors. Whenever a Latter-day Saint purchases or wears bright-colored clothing, Satan laughs with glee. Consequently, the Church discourages the wearing of bright colors and white clothes, in accordance with the will of God."
"I don't see what the big deal is," said one member, who wished to remain anonymous. "Oh, and don't use my name--I don't want to be summoned to a Council of Love when this all comes to a head and they start ex-ing people." The church regularly uses excommunication as a form of punishment for those members who flaunt church policy.
"This is what we've always believed," Elder Rodney Q.R. Bean III told the AP. "It's all right there in Joseph Smith's original writings."
When pressed by a bystander, Elder Bean fought back. "That's disgraceful, to insinuate that the leadership are revising history and putting words in Heavenly Father's mouth in order to push through their pet policies. I won't countenance that with a response."
According to the new policy, members should purchase and wear clothing only in "muted brown, gray, black, and other 'earth' tones" and "burn any clothing in [their] possession of other colors, especially white, so to avoid the wrath of the Lord." Some members have pointed out that this runs counter to historic Mormon practice, which has emphasized the wearing of white shirts by men and white clothing by both men and women in their temple ceremonies. When asked for comment, a church spokesman said, "I don't know that we ever taught that."
This new policy comes in the wake of the church's discontinuance of its long-running pageants, which are now officially "discouraged" by the church. In recent weeks, church leaders have also disavowed the word "Mormon," commonly used to refer to the church and its members, as the "work of Satan" and shortened their Sunday meetings from three to two hours "because God said we can save a boatload on our electric bi--I mean, have more time to focus on our families."