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Posted by: Anziano Young ( )
Date: October 28, 2018 03:52PM

Salt Lake City--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues its series of reforms. This week's target: brightly-colored clothes.

In an announcement that upset many adherents to the Latter-day Saint faith, Church spokesman L.L.S.B. Willard Hayes McLellan, Jr., relayed the bad news. "President Nelson has impressed upon my mind the importance of wearing dull colors. Whenever a Latter-day Saint purchases or wears bright-colored clothing, Satan laughs with glee. Consequently, the Church discourages the wearing of bright colors and white clothes, in accordance with the will of God."

"I don't see what the big deal is," said one member, who wished to remain anonymous. "Oh, and don't use my name--I don't want to be summoned to a Council of Love when this all comes to a head and they start ex-ing people." The church regularly uses excommunication as a form of punishment for those members who flaunt church policy.

"This is what we've always believed," Elder Rodney Q.R. Bean III told the AP. "It's all right there in Joseph Smith's original writings."

When pressed by a bystander, Elder Bean fought back. "That's disgraceful, to insinuate that the leadership are revising history and putting words in Heavenly Father's mouth in order to push through their pet policies. I won't countenance that with a response."

According to the new policy, members should purchase and wear clothing only in "muted brown, gray, black, and other 'earth' tones" and "burn any clothing in [their] possession of other colors, especially white, so to avoid the wrath of the Lord." Some members have pointed out that this runs counter to historic Mormon practice, which has emphasized the wearing of white shirts by men and white clothing by both men and women in their temple ceremonies. When asked for comment, a church spokesman said, "I don't know that we ever taught that."

This new policy comes in the wake of the church's discontinuance of its long-running pageants, which are now officially "discouraged" by the church. In recent weeks, church leaders have also disavowed the word "Mormon," commonly used to refer to the church and its members, as the "work of Satan" and shortened their Sunday meetings from three to two hours "because God said we can save a boatload on our electric bi--I mean, have more time to focus on our families."

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: October 28, 2018 04:15PM


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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 03:13PM

Ha ha ha!

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: October 30, 2018 10:38AM

Another haha. Talk about hitting a bull's eye.

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Posted by: Concerned Citizen 2.0 ( )
Date: October 28, 2018 04:24PM

...I knew it would come to this.

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Posted by: gettinreal ( )
Date: October 28, 2018 04:37PM

Satire

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Posted by: Katie MB ( )
Date: October 28, 2018 06:18PM

What about Donny's Technicolor Dreamcoat? HAHA

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Posted by: Katie MB ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 09:52AM

Is this whole color thing really true? Pretty soon the women will have to dress in Prairie dresses again... And what about all the makeup and hair color they use as well, or in a lot of cases (bleached out blondes). Mormonism is getting crazier than it ever has been.

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Posted by: Anziano Young ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 04:56PM

Nope, this is satirical! Sorry, I thought the last part would give it away.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: October 28, 2018 06:49PM

In the 50's and 60's my mom and all the other well to do wives in our ward dressed to impress. Lots of bright colors...and hats...my mom was all about the hats...and dresses/skirts were at the knee and there was a bit of cleavage showing too. I guess things have changed.

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 12:04PM

church of Pleasantville

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Posted by: Leaving ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 01:29PM

Boob jobs are still OK.

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Posted by: Hockeyrat ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 02:35PM

I love bright colours, they look good on me. Pastels wash me out.
My favourite colours, at the moment are bright coral and blue turquoise ( not green)
This is going too far.

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Posted by: Happy_Heretic ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 02:50PM

Awesome! Loved it. Clever.

HH =)

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Posted by: GNPE1 ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 05:21PM

Next:

Allowable colors for cars, trucks, boats...

just sayin'

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Posted by: allegro ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 05:35PM

I thought the OP was serious. There was a talk given by a HC member at a ward I was in several years ago and stated bright colors did not have a place in the church. Women needed to dress in subdued colors when attending church because they will draw attention away from the Spirit. I sat there in my tailored red dress. The women just looked at each other and snickered. Everyone complained about him the next week.

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Posted by: Anziano Young ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 06:46PM

Jesus Christ, that's awful. I wrote this completely in jest after reading about the axing of the pageants, but it's not all that surprising that some stupid ass priesthood holder has said something similar already. Next up: anything remotely exciting or individualistic.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/29/2018 06:47PM by Anziano Young.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: October 29, 2018 07:28PM

It would have been interesting to see a bishop tell my mom and others (including his own wife) to tone down the colors back in the day.

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Posted by: snowball ( )
Date: October 30, 2018 10:10AM

Of course, bright colors are part of the "gay agenda." Just look at all those rainbow flags!

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Posted by: rhgc ( )
Date: October 30, 2018 10:17AM

Men have long been encouraged to wear plain shirts and ties which are not bright, usually only plain or striped.

Needless to say, I did not comply. The sisters liked my ties.

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Posted by: Elyse ( )
Date: October 30, 2018 10:49AM

It would not be too surprising.

Hinckley was bitching about the women wearing too large or double earrings some years ago.
Of course the lemmings complied,at least for a while.

Now wearing big jewelry is back in.

The morg is always looking for a cause, preferably one that crushes what little enjoyment members have.

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Posted by: thedesertrat1 ( )
Date: October 30, 2018 11:09AM

From the ridiculous to the sublime to the riduculous

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Posted by: deja vue ( )
Date: October 30, 2018 12:42PM

The FLDS beat you to it. No red was allowed in Short Creek be it clothing or vehicles. One of the things that have changed over the past couple of years as some have broken away. One of the signs of their rebellion is to wear red and/or buy red vehicles. Still, the devout ones persist in wearing dull colored clothing (prairie dresses) as can be seen at the local Southern Utah stores. i.e. Costco, Walmart, etc..

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Posted by: arinae ( )
Date: October 31, 2018 05:52PM

When I worked for LDS inc, I got reprimanded several times for wearing dresses/clothes/socks that were too bright. It's only been in the last like 2 years that women were allowed to wear slacks to work.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: October 31, 2018 07:20PM

the Utah-backed Trumpster ALWAYS wears bright red ties...


What's up with that???

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Posted by: Nightingale ( )
Date: November 01, 2018 12:53AM

No taste?

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