Hello friends, I missed you dearly. I still come here and look around. I hope everyone is doing well. My recovery from Mormonism is going pretty well. I travel a lot for work and keep myself busy. I’m not excited to spend the holidays with my lds family, but I want to be as loving towards them as possible.

Today I come here to ask for a piece of advice/recommendation/hear your story and etc.

I met a great guy in May/June and we started going out. He’s my first non LDS relationship and I find myself wondering about really strange things. Please, no judgement. I find myself feeling jealous. Jealous because he had relationships before me. I know it sounds absolutely crazy. He’s over 30. Of course he dated people. I don’t like myself for feeling jealous about it. I hate my mormon mindset. I’m not saying all Mormons marry their first love or the first person they meet, but they don’t carry he same emotional baggage in most cases. This man is very honest with me. Of course ex girlfriends came up. He was engaged to a girl four years ago and eventually they broke up. He told me that relationship made him a different person. It takes time for him to build trust and etc. Which I understand. My Mormon ex broke me too. We’re not “official”. I dont date anyone else and I trust him that I’m also the only girl he dates.

I also get jealous that he was engaged to her and he posted a picture of them on social media. Silly again. They broke up 3 years ago.

He’s very affectionate towards me, I met his family, we plan trips, we have fun, he treats me with respect, we enjoy time together. I really can’t complain about him. I don’t think he’s leading me on or trying to use me. I just don’t know how to be in a relationship and deal with real stuff. I don’t like how much I think about the past and what he had with someone else. I told him about my what I feel and why I feel that way. I told him about my Mormon past and how it still influences me.

I’m used to seeing people getting married after just couple of months and their relationships look virtually easy and I’m just “angry” that mine is not. I hope any of this actually makes sense

I'm in a relationship with a guy I dated when I was 20. He got divorced after 26 years and I happened to be looking for him. I turned him down when I was 20 because he was not a mormon and also because he had had sex with quite a few women. I didn't know how to handle that. Then I went and married a gay guy who had had sex with MANY men, not just quite a few.

When we first got back together, it really bothered me, all his past relationships. He had actually been looking for someone else he dated in the past when I showed up in his life again, but he never expected me to be free given I was that good little mormon girl. It took a long time to convince him I was out of the church.

I talked to my therapist about this. We talked a long time about this. He was a mormon, too, so he understood where I was coming from. He talked to me about how illogical it was.

One of the things we talked about was we were taught to wait for a "king" to be our husband. He asked me if my boyfriend is a king compared to the mormon men I dated. Yes, he is. He beats them all.

I also found out who some of the women were he had dated and had sex with back when we worked together. Once I knew who they were, it was a whole different story. My feeling was "why would you have sex with her?????" and I quit caring.

What I loved is I went to his son's wedding recently and his ex, who was the one who wanted the divorce and is remarried, was so jealous of me she couldn't stand it. Now she wants him to go on a trip down the Colorado River with her and her family, and not her husband. He and I got a good chuckle out of that one.

If you met these women, you might have a different attitude.

In the long run, who does he choose to be with right now? That is all that counts. When those thoughts come out, just tell yourself "this is mormonism talking."

Oh, and my therapist said that I had my finger on the "eject button." Dump him before he dumped me.

And most of those mormons you know who met and got married after a few months of dating aren't as happy as you might believe they are. I was and am shocked at how unhappy most of them are. When I was with my gay husband, we were much happier than most of the couples in our ward. We still are better friends and get along better than most of the mormon couples we know.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/12/2018 04:01PM by cl2.

Most people are putting on a show.

Make yours a good one, if you do.

Go with it. Be natural. Yourself.

"You only live once... and if you do it right, only die once" _me
(and you can quote me on 'that' [though I've never done it]-yet)

M@t

P.S.-
What do you have to loose?
Live each day as if it were your only.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/12/2018 03:55PM by moremany.

The more you like something, the more you want to keep it.

You really like your boyfriend and you want to keep him and that has you being guarded about anything that could change things. I would say that is normal. Maybe you aren't jealous, but just appreciate what you have.

While we were Mormons we missed out on a lot of natural human emotional and social growth that many others take for granted now. Took me years to figure out why I couldn't make a relationship last. What I finally figured out was that the relationship was more important than the two people in it-like I learned in Mormonism. I expected a certain comportment from everyone I dated and of course that did not pan out. I was still too Mormon. There is more to being an ex-Mormon than just realizing Joseph was a fraud.

Take the pressure off as to how long this will last. The important thing is to appreciate each other and enjoy the moment. Even if it ended then, you would have good memories and would have had an experience in your life that you could be happy about.

Mormons will say they are happy no matter what usually. They feel it their responsibility as a way to prove their church is true and making them happy. Currently I have two nieces who married after a couple of months and had a family right away are now in the midst of divorces. I have a third who married after two months and is now on her second marriage.

Don't compare. Your own life should never be a contest. And, a *little* jealous is like a little salt on a meal--not a bad thing, but it needs to be the right amount.

You may not be able to get rid of your Mormon mindset right away, but you can tell yourself that it is not logical. I felt guilt for years as an ex-Catholic until finally I decided that some kinds of guilt are useful, and many are not. I just kept talking to myself until time worked its magic.

Your boyfriend is still relatively young in the scheme of things, and if it works out, you both will have many good years ahead of you. Consider that it took all of his previous experiences to bring him to you. And he didn't choose those other women to stay with, he is choosing you.

goldrose Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hello friends, I missed you dearly. I still come
> here and look around. I hope everyone is doing
> well. My recovery from Mormonism is going pretty
> well. I travel a lot for work and keep myself
> busy. I’m not excited to spend the holidays with
> my lds family, but I want to be as loving towards
> them as possible.
>
> Today I come here to ask for a piece of
> advice/recommendation/hear your story and etc.
>
> I met a great guy in May/June and we started going
> out. He’s my first non LDS relationship and I
> find myself wondering about really strange things.
> Please, no judgement. I find myself feeling
> jealous. Jealous because he had relationships
> before me. I know it sounds absolutely crazy.
> He’s over 30. Of course he dated people. I
> don’t like myself for feeling jealous about it.
> I hate my mormon mindset. I’m not saying all
> Mormons marry their first love or the first person
> they meet, but they don’t carry he same
> emotional baggage in most cases. This man is very
> honest with me. Of course ex girlfriends came up.
> He was engaged to a girl four years ago and
> eventually they broke up. He told me that
> relationship made him a different person. It takes
> time for him to build trust and etc. Which I
> understand. My Mormon ex broke me too. We’re not
> “official”. I dont date anyone else and I
> trust him that I’m also the only girl he dates.
>
>
> I also get jealous that he was engaged to her and
> he posted a picture of them on social media. Silly
> again. They broke up 3 years ago.
>
> He’s very affectionate towards me, I met his
> family, we plan trips, we have fun, he treats me
> with respect, we enjoy time together. I really
> can’t complain about him. I don’t think he’s
> leading me on or trying to use me. I just don’t
> know how to be in a relationship and deal with
> real stuff. I don’t like how much I think about
> the past and what he had with someone else. I told
> him about my what I feel and why I feel that way.
> I told him about my Mormon past and how it still
> influences me.
>
> I’m used to seeing people getting married after
> just couple of months and their relationships look
> virtually easy and I’m just “angry” that
> mine is not. I hope any of this actually makes
> sense


Make an effort to combat those negative thoughts with the positive.
He's with YOU NOW, not his previous gfs.
Enjoy each other. Enjoy a man who is open and honest with you, a man who wants to spend time with YOU. He's affectionate and respects you.
You've got a WINNER!

And STOP comparing/contrasting your relationship with others.
You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and away from public eyes. Many of those same women you think have such easy lives ars secretly envying YOU.

Everytime a negative thought pops up, replace it with the positive TRUTH of what your life is NOW.
Banish the FAKE and FALSE mormon veneers.

What you have is REAL, right now!
Cherish it. Enjoy it. And let it evolve.

We learn so much from our past, if we pay attention. These people are part of his past and his experiences with them guide his present. He is not with his former fiancée for a reason (or many reasons). But he learned about himself and his needs and desires from that relationship.

Enjoy the relationship. Recognize that this jealousy that you are feeling is something that you need to learn about going forward. Jealousy is really all about the person who is being jealous. Finding out what drives it can help you to let go of it. Ultimately it is poison for relationships.

On the other hand, if you really come to a point in a relaitonship where you can't trust your partner (for good reason), don't wallow in jealousy. Just end the relationship

Hi Goldrose

Its not just a Mormon thing. I remember feeling that way when I started going out with my first serious girlfriend. She had had two sexual relationships before me and I felt somehow 'jealous', though that's not exactly the right word. I just felt that it would have been great to be going through that first relationship together, rather than her having had all that experience before me. In a way I felt quite possessive, and wanted her all to myself.

I think its a natural feeling in that situation, but it is irrational, and time should heal it. Mind you, you do go through a lot of emotional turmoil in those early romantic experiences. No need to blame it on the Mormon church though.

It sounds to me like you are having distorted thoughts that are causing you unnecessary pain. For example, maybe you think that because he loved someone before he met you, he doesn't love you now. There are several different types of distorted thoughts and you can google to find out more.

Write down the distorted thoughts when they occur. Then, write out a more rational, logical thought to combat it.

Good luck!

goldrose Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hello friends, I missed you dearly. I still come
> here and look around. I hope everyone is doing
> well. My recovery from Mormonism is going pretty
> well. I travel a lot for work and keep myself
> busy.


> I’m not excited to spend the holidays with
> my lds family,

that is understandable, if you have MORmON family like mine


> but I want to be as loving towards
> them as possible.

that is nice. ....yah, I felt that way too, for a long time, but more and more I realize that with MORmON family like mine, who needs enemies !!!! and the LESS I have to do with my (former) family, then the better I feel !!!!!

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate your responses. I’m so glad you understand me haha