Sorry to bore you all again. Thank goodness I only meet up with my N.P.D. sis once a year just to keep my mother happy.

Took sis to lunch for her B-day. I know I should only comment on weather, current events, fashion, etc. But sis was being so jovial and nice that I forgot myself for a second and mentioned family.

Sis made a comment about her son's job transfer and I slipped and said it was a good thing he hadn't purchased a house in his former city. Sis lit into me big time about staying out of her children's business. Wow! There was the REAL sis after all that fake, sugary, nicey nice conversation she started with. I stopped talking altogether and she just kept on going. Eventually she changed the subject and started talking about ketchup so I drove her home and vowed never to do lunch with her again.

What an odd reaction. I think your comment was perfectly reasonable, and that many people might have responded in a similar manner. I can see why you would want to keep your distance from her.

Mental illness in a family is so tough to deal with. It reminds me of the that creature in Dr Doolittle? Push Me Pull You?? Something like that

I agree with Summer. You really can't predict how someone that's off their rocker is going to react or what he/she will say.

Did your sister get mad at your comment because she is in the church and you're not? Otherwise I'm not understanding why she would feel that your comment is interference.

I've read 3 books on NPD, the most useful was one by Elinor Greenberg, a therapist, who included useful methods to deal with those people.

I found those useful in the LSD church since so many people seemed to exhibit the rage and extreme self-interest of narcissists.

Yours is a difficult question to answer. My sister hasn't officially left Mormonism and she will not tell me if she still believes in it or not. But she joined an Evangelical church where she gets lots of sympathy for her financial difficulties. I think her Mormon friends knew too much about her and our family for her taste. That is to say they knew me, and Mom and we were not horrible. She likes to blame her family for all her problems, especially our mother who has done nothing but help her out all of her life. Sis's life is a financial, emotional, health disaster. Everything in her eyes is our (Mom's and mine) fault. I only returned to town to care for our mother because sis wouldn't even take Mom to her doctor's appointments. I knew when I came home this kind of crazy stuff would start again. It's the main reason I moved away. But Mom needs me and I'm just not used to dealing with sis all that often any more.

I have no idea what set off my sister on that simple comment. I do know she is jealous that I own my own home, car, etc. and am successful enough in my career to retire early and come to help Mom. She has declared bankruptcy and has nothing, not even a car due to her spending addiction. I think that it bugs her that I even exist and by simply existing I make her look like a failure. Sibling rivalry? Maybe. So ANYTHING I say or do basically ticks her off. She doesn't seem to want me having any interaction with her kids. I think she tells them all kinds of things about me that aren't true and if they actually get to know me they might see me for who I really am. I've caught her telling her kids untrue things about me when they were little so it has probably been going on for years now.

I only have you guys to vent. Thanks.

It sounds like she does want to keep you firmly out of her children's lives so that she can protect her "poor me" narrative.

If you google 'narcissist abuse or narcissist support groups' you will find lots out there, just pointing out when you say you have to vent here, there are actually places dedicated to just surviving narcissist abuse. They would probably be of more help than this Board since this Board focuses on RfM. :)

Good luck with your sister and I hope you do find some support! What you describe is very typical NPD behavior and you obviously already know lots about it to have recognized it for what it is.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2019 09:48PM by mel.

a little sensitive is she, is she TBM and you exmo? mabey she is jelous

This is something that puzzles me. She has never told me her feelings about the Mormon church even though I have told her I no longer believe. I've told her all the things that make it untrue but she never responds to my comments. She doesn't go to the Mormon church any more but I think it is more because she dislikes being different from others. I'm pretty sure she Facebook's with her Mormon friends. We live in the midwest and here Mormons are considered weird by most people. She now attends an Evangelical church but never says anything negative about Mormons other than their constant contacting her to come back. I sort of think she still believes it is true even though the rest of our family is completely out. However, I'm the only one who officially resigned.

She likes being religious because she can always be right with God on her side. Although she spouts religion she's really more the "Holier than thou" type rather than the forgiving, loving, "Do unto others" type. She can often be very cheerful and fun which puts me at ease just before she zings me with one of her damning comments. I get caught off guard because her attitude of caring is always phony. It is always just an act that gets me comfortable. I have to always be telling myself that no matter how nice she is being at the moment it is just an act, it's just an act, it's just an act........... When will I learn?

Pooped, I totally know how annoying it is to deal with narcissists, especially family members. It's funny you posted now,because as of Saturday, I decided to do a modest facebook page. I have avoided fb all this time, just because its a little too out there for me. So, I reconnected with some people I had missed, and made the stupid, stupid mistake of talking to a cousin whom I had not spoken with in years because of her narcissism. Growing up she made my life miserable at every opportunity. She is 6 years older than I am, so I thought, we are old. Maybe she has mellowed out. Heeeeeeeeeell no! She quickly moved to say rude stuff to me, etc. Dont know what I was thinking! Her sister is a sweet person, and I love her.
So my condolences, pooped for that unpleasant encounter! Jealousy may be a leading factor there. She is probably so afraid you will outshine her. (as if there is a competition of some kind.)

You can unfriend your cousin on Facebook, Aquarius. I wouldn't keep anyone on your friends list who is rude to you.

oh, I did! Foolish of me to think things could have changed because of passing of time.
Summer, this reminds me of Peanuts comics where Lucy every now and again promises Charlie Brown that this time she will hold the football for him to kick and of course yanks the ball out of the way letting him fall.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/11/2019 06:49PM by Aquarius123.

Yes, exactly! I'm just a Charlie Brown who keeps kicking Lucy's football. When will I learn?

I hated living with them growing up and I didn't want to have daughters because of my experience with my sisters. We got along better once we didn't have to live together, but in the last 15 years or so, we've had a lot of problems (more after our parents died).

Since my daughter's wedding, I have determined that I can be kind to them, but still keep my distance. I sent my older sister a birthday gift and I'm going to drop off something to my younger sister tomorrow for Valentine's Day, but I don't have to be buddies with them. I don't even have to talk to them.

My dad always hoped we'd be friends again before he died, BUT then after my mom died, he told me I needed to stay far away from them. You can have distance and still show some caring without going to lunch with them. I haven't been to lunch in YEARS with either of my sisters. I have just made the mistake of being friends on fb and talking to them. No longer.

Your sister sounds like my TBM SIL's. Nearly verbatim. And add to that a TBM cousin whom I love, but can go off the deep end without any warning. With her I have more patience maybe because we are closer in kinship and have a bond I don't share with my SIL's. Her only child died from suicide when he was 25 jumping out of his dad's pickup truck while his dad was driving. His parents were divorced long before that happened. He was an engineer and I believe a RM. His dad was an abusive narcissistic bleep. Hence, son killing himself tragically. How would my cousin ever get over that loss? I grieve with her.

I have a daughter who also mirrors some of your sister's behavior. It's harder to deal with when it's closer to home, so I understand in some way how you might feel. I have finally resigned myself to her absence in my life because that is what she wants is distance and lots of it. Like your sister, she blames me for all that is wrong with her life instead of taking responsibility for herself. It's probably been a good thing she cut off ties because now when something goes wrong I'm not there to take the rap for it.

She made up excuses that I loved her sibling more than her. I would tell her that was impossible. I loved my children equally. In her mind it justified some of the devious things she has done since she left home.