Now that my wife is almost active again (she still needs a calling in her new ward), she was asked to give the lesson for yesterday's RS meeting.
Though normally outgoing and thrilled to be in front of a group of people listening to her every word, she was nervous before the lesson and still kicking herself afterwards.
I asked her why she was nervous, and she said that she didn't have the spirit to guide her because she wasn't worthy to teach the Relief Society.
Me: "Seriously? With that group, why would you feel unworthy? Heck, your sister was there, wasn't she?"
DW: "Yes, but they are all living the gospel and keeping their covenants. I don't even have a calling."
Me: "Do you seriously believe that each and every one of them is the perfect Mormon? Try imagining each one with a glass of wine in her hand during your lesson. It can't be that much of a stretch considering that some of them have texted you for your raspberry chambord cake recipe."
DW: "But I know they look at me and think that I'm not worthy. I know my sister assigned the lesson to me because one of the themes is about coming back to the church."
Me: "Did she tell you that was the reason for you giving the lesson? Has anybody, other than yourself, told you that you are not worthy? What do you think would happen if any of them were to suggest such a thing in my presence? You are just as, if not more, worthy than any of them."
DW: "You'd probably tell them to go to hell. But no, unlike you and your family, I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life and I need to be right with the church if I'm going to get my life on track."
Me: "I'm going to let you in on a secret...everybody makes bad decisions, and everybody in my family has made some doozies. The trick is learning from them and trying not to repeat them. And the first step in learning that trick is to stop telling yourself that you are any less worthy than anybody in your Relief Society."
I was deemed unworthy to attend my daughter's wedding 2 weeks ago. ME???? I carried her for almost 8 months. I had toxemia/preeclampsia, which is very serious. I had a C-section. I raised her as a single mother from age 10, not counting the years I spent raising her from a baby, she and her twin brother. I've been the ONE who has always been there. My parents and family (parents are dead) know that the ONE AND ONLY PERSON who was worthy enough to be there to see her daughter married was ME.
You don't have to have a calling to be worthy. What is this about not having a calling? That's ridiculous. Never heard that before. Just because they haven't called her to anything doesn't mean she isn't worthy.
There are so many things that she has no clue about about the women in that class. My ex was ex. sec. and was cheating with men and had been for years (2-1/2 years into the marriage) and the bishop had told me he would be one of the next 2 bishops. Worthy?
My ex went to the bishopric temple nights and was angry at me for not going, but I was 'worthy' and he was not.
It's all bullshit.
My life didn't start to "right itself" until I left the church. Now, although I have a few bumps in the road now and then, my life goes along smoothly. The man I considered my soul mate back in my 20s came back into my life. We've been together 14 years. He got a job in Cache Valley when it was almost impossible for him to get it. He is a chemist who develops circuit boards. My daughter married WHO I told her she would marry 6 years ago. My son got off drugs and has quit alcohol. My ex and I get along great (most of the time). My life is SO MUCH BETTER OUTSIDE of mormonism than it ever was inside. I should say moronism. (I thought that statement by someone on another thread about us being rude about mormons was ridiculous. I was a moron. I admit it.)
Your wife is barking up the wrong tree. I talked to a girl at work, who I never thought was mormon as she sips her coffee every day most of the day. She told me today that she goes to church so she can get married in the temple to her husband. I'm like, "Oh my dear, you are so off course." I told her I had been married in the temple, that my ex is gay. Amazing how shocked people still are when I tell them my ex is gay. Mormonism is CRAZY MAKING.
Your wife is more worthy than those bitches who would judge her. She has to determine HOW WORTHY she sees herself just as a person. It is up to her to decide, not a bunch of morons.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/11/2019 08:57PM by cl2.
C12, your ongoing saga over the years has been one of the greatest exmo classics. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. You write with clarity and compassion. And YOU, my dear, are the worthy one in your family!!
The Mormon church doesn't want its members to feel like they have any worth. In their syrupy sweet voices they tell everyone that they are special "children of god," but in the same breath criticize them for not: praying every day, reading their scriptures, wearing the right clothes, sharing the gospel with their friends, magnifying their callings, ministering, attending boring meetings, etc. The criticism never ends and if anyone feels like they are doing everything right it means they are not humble. Feeling unworthy = humble (good). Feeling good about yourself = not humble (bad).
I'm sorry your wife feels the need to subject herself to a church that asks so much and in return makes her feel unworthy. Hopefully she'll come to her senses.
To Mormons make your wife "worthy" when she pays tithing on your money?
Sorry, Greg, but this is your wife's world--the world of "conditions, delusions, and comparisons", like Moremany says.. She has CHOSEN to live the role of "Mormon RS member". Being a second-class citizen, "humble", and low in the heirarchy goes along with the membership.
I can't imagine how she would willingly subject herself to such a snarky, forbidding group of people, who obviously make her anxious and depressed.
Your wife has courage! LOL--I could give a business presentation to a group of 200 people, and I couldn't wait to get up there to speak, because I was very enthusiastic and well-prepared. What I was doing was helping people, and it was very upbeat, as is my charity work, and I was well-accepted. But--I could never bring myself to speak in Mormon sacrament meeting, about any of the assigned subjects. I could not do it! I could never bear my testimony, either.
Just because your wife is reacting to being pushed down into that little Mormon-minion mold, doesn't mean she is not "worthy." She's too capable and "alive" to shut herself down and surrender like that. I think she will realize this, after a few months of being depressed and uncomfortable. A person can take only so much abuse.
Leave her alone, and don't try to smooth things over for her with the cult. By all means be kind, and tell her you love her, and that she is a great wife and mother, and that she is more than worthy. But--don't protect her from the Mormon snarky gossip. Make her very, very happy outside of church, and she'll soon be fed up with all the manipulation and fear inside. The Mormons don't deserve your wife!
Personal worthiness is the biggest problem in the church today. The problem is that the members think it’s a thing, that it actually means something. Are there any “less thans” in God’s eyes? TSCC goes to great lengths to solve a non-problem.
If someone is actually doing something dumb, God will “get” them his way. Problem solved.
At her last ward summer, my wife begged to be released from her callings because she was overwhelmed with taking care of her disabled brother and elderly mother (both several states away) and helping with all the things associated with our move. Something had to give, and she made the decision that the church was relatively low on the list of priorities.
Now that her brother and mother are both settled in their respective situations, and we are moved into our new home, my wife feels obligated to be more active in the church because we are in her sister's ward.
DW is not eager to take on a new calling because she's already so busy doing things for family, friends, and neighbors. On the one hand she feels she is opening herself up for judgment by others in the ward, but on the other hand she's hoping that she can remain off the radar for as long as possible so she can catch her breath.
I've been telling her that it doesn't matter what anybody in the ward thinks; and that she, I, and everybody she helps everyday already know what she does outside of the church. She doesn't need the church; the church needs her! I think she knows it on some level, but she doesn't really believe it yet.
I subjected myself to the worthy-not worthy for some 30 years. It's unfathomable to those looking in at Mormonism, but it was 100% normal and expected as a member of the church. It starts young in primary, then really picks up steam in your youth. The extra helping gets added if a church mission is chosen. It really becomes ingrained so you become irrational and no longer trust yourself to make competent decisions. The church forces you to rely on them for wisdom and support.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/13/2019 01:16PM by messygoop.