Posted by:
exminion
(
)
Date: March 11, 2019 05:53PM
Welcome to RFM, friendly "stranger."
I have been in your situation, several times, and I have tried all approaches. When my daughter got married in the temple, my other children and I were in the process of leaving the cult. The bishop said I could attend the temple ritual, if I paid tithing for the 6 months, leading up to the wedding date. I talked with my daughter, and offered her the money I would have had to pay to the cult. It would have been a nice nest-egg for her and her fiancee, who was still in school. She said she wanted me at her wedding ceremony, because no one else would be there for her, except my TBM brothers and the officiator, who was our cousin. None of her bridesmaids had been through the temple yet, so they were "out." Her fiancee was the oldest in his family, and all his siblings were too young to go. Yes--guilt! My poor daughter in there all alone! Getting married, without anyone there!
My little granddaughter wanted me to go to her baptism. Such a fuss was being made over her, and that she "CHOSE" to be baptized, and I would have been the apostate grandma, not giving her emotional support, bla-bla. Guilt, again.
I have forced myself to go to funerals held in LDS chapels, and have sat through all the preaching of the "plan of salvation" and threats that apostates like me will be forever separated from my loved ones.
Not only are we guilted into attending these phony displays of cultishness--we are insulted and demeaned, when we are there!
My daughter's wedding, like most temple weddings, was institutional, and not at all about "loving, cherishing, being companions to each other." Those words are NOT PRESENT in the Mormon temple marriage ceremony. People have posted actual copies of the dialog here. All officiators stick to the ritual dialog, and it takes about 3 minutes. The rest of it is preaching, like, the officiator is giving a sacrament meeting talk. The couple make vows to the cult in the same single sentence that they say "I do" to the marriage! I felt sick to my stomach, when my daughter had to say "I do" to this. The groom was crying tears of joy, and my daughter was looking horrified. She looked horrified in the pictures, too. I had instructed the photographer to be at the reception early for photos, and to take pictures of the reception. The TBM new in-laws paid the photographer extra, to photograph at the temple, and too much time was spent, and there was no time for the reception photos! I didn't buy any of the temple pictures.
Don't go to the temple at all. It makes no sense to to, if you aren't welcome inside for the wedding ceremony. It makes no sense to be in a fake photo with a fake smile in front of an ugly fake temple door that does not open for you.
(Sorry to rant, but my ex-husband and his new wife waited outside the temple for our daughter's wedding, and were in all of the photos. My TBM bishopric brother photoshopped them out of one of the photos, and sent it to me! You might go to all that trouble, and end up being photoshopped out, anyway!)
I have found out, the hard way, that every time I take the "high road" and go to Mormon events--it backfires--big-time! I end up having PTSD flashbacks, and getting sick. The Mormons don't appreciate my being there. Someone always hits on me and tells me to read the BOM.
I was glad I was at my daughter's wedding and endowment, for other reasons. She had me to listen to her, when she discovered for herself how crazy and ritualistic the temple is. After the wedding ceremony and temple photos in the 100 degree heat, were over, my daughter started to cry, and said, "This is NOT what I thought my wedding would be like!" I said, "All that was really nothing. You are married because you and your husband signed the legal marriage license. Your REAL wedding hasn't started yet. Tonight, we are going to have the wedding reception of your dreams! It will be exactly as you have planned it. EVERYONE will be there, and will have a great time!
At my granddaughter's baptism, I was holding her baby brother, who would not stop crying, and I had to take him in and out. My daughter accused me of "frowning".
You think you can control your own experience, right? Normally, you can. With the cult, the Mormons have to be in complete charge. I thought I could just avert my eyes from the 3 men in white jumpsuits, escorting 3 little girls in white nightgowns and long blonde braids. In the lobby, my SIL handed me a camera, and asked me to take everyone's picture, and I had to look at them. It triggered a very bad memory from my Mormon past, and I felt violently ill.
At the wedding reception, I had to listen to gossip and questions about my sons, who had not been at the temple ceremony. I would only say, "This is a party for the bride and groom--let's not talk about religion or politics!" So, even though I was "accepted", and paid money for it, I still had to bear the wrath against my own sons, and also my ex-husband, and and answer questions about the bridesmaids (who were merely too young to be included.)
You can't win!
You can control part of the situation, however. Politely refuse to talk about religion and politics (throw politics in there, too, because politics is not sacred, and neither is Mormonism). Step away from the conversation, if it gets snarky and judgmental. If you don't want to head to the EXIT door, go to the punch table, or walk out onto a balcony, or say "hello" to someone else.
Say, "Excuse me", and just quietly walk away. Don't explain, or say "I'm sorry...." If you show weakness, you will feel like you have let yourself down. Your wife will be with you, and you can turn to her at any time, and say, "Oh, did you remember to let the dog out?" Change the subject. The good thing about wedding receptions, is that you can keep circulating. Deep conversations are easily avoided.
Never sit down! You don't want to be stuck with talking to the people next to you.
YES--write the exact note that Cheryl suggested!
YES--go and enjoy the reception and celebrate with your brother and his bride, ON YOUR TERMS. You seem to be on their side! You are a good brother, and you really have watched their back, in the past.
I don't go to most Mormon wedding receptions, I send an appropriate gift, from their registry. If anyone asks, I say that I have other plans, but I'm happy for the bride and groom. Everyone is happy with that.