Now, that I feel like I have lost my virginity for the second time (first time having sex after a divorce), I am starting to see things a little better. First, I think, in many ways, no sex before marriage is bad for relationships. On my wedding night (I was a virgin) my husband was not enthusiastic about sex. I had to drag him to the bed (no, he is not gay). He never liked sex, well, with me. As someone in my former post guessed, he is a narcissistic and cannot have any type of intimacy (sexual,emotional, etc). If we had had a sexual relationship before marriage, his sexual habits would have been a HUGE red flag. I don't think I will do any more one night stands (I am still seeing the guy,though, I had sex with on the first date). Guess my question is now: how do you leave the church's culture and support system? I feel like I am about to be shunned and leave everything and everyone I know.

" . . .how do you leave the church's culture and support system? I feel like I am about to be shunned and leave everything and everyone I know."

First, you cannot leave something behind if you never had it. The Mormon church did not support you. You supported them. You did what they wanted you to do, you became who they wanted you to become, and they gladly accepted your money in exchange. This is not support.

Real support are those who sustain you as you fight to fulfill you own goals, not theirs. This will happen to you as you do the same more and more for others. Do not try this on Mormons however---doesn't work.

Part two--Leaving means you are going somewhere else. Somewhere new. Exploring--which is another word for learning. Be excited. A little scared, but still excited. Don't abandon your past Mormons self, but evaluate it, and edit it. Use the insight you have now as someone with the strength to claim yourself. It takes time. When you walk out the door of Mormonism you usually still have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Knee jerk reactions occur. "What if" moments occur. But a new future also occurs and makes those pale in comparison.

It took me years to learn about real friendship and healthy relationships. I always think of myself as the latest bloomer on the earth because Mormonism robbed me of real life. But I love where I am now. The good place is not a place you get to overnight.

So happy for you to be outa the church and out of the bad marriage.

That is some of the best advice I've seen here on RFM. It almost should be posted at the top of the list as a sticky.

HappyCamper, you lucked out. I wish you well in your travels forward.

Done & Done Wrote:
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> It took me years to learn about real friendship and healthy relationships.

Excellent post, Done.

Agreed, I did not find real friends in TSCC, only pretend friends.

Time, space, and distance will all help your recovery!!!

I don't usually like to talk about sexuality, but .. .

Take precautions for your health is number one. Which you already know cuz you are an adult but I am old and will say it again because I care.

Having sex with someone you have just met is usually like fireworks of the senses.

Having sex with someone you truly love and crave is even better than that.

Sex and love are two completely different things that may enhance each other but never preclude each other.

German chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream, hot fudge sauce, and whipped cream is always a great substitute. However, if that is even better, find a new boyfriend.

Many people like to make new friends. Chat up people that you meet naturally through various channels. Once you've chatted a few times, ask if they would like to get together sometime. If so, the next time you meet make a specific suggestion -- a movie, a day trip, shopping, a meal, coffee, etc. Sometimes a new friendship will work out, and sometimes it won't. But I can tell you that no one will ever think badly of you for issuing an invitation.

I was chatting up a coworker today. I had previously suggested that we exchange phone numbers for networking purposes. She suggested that we get together over the summer. This sounds great to me! Perhaps it will turn into a new friendship.

If you need more outlets, look into local clubs and groups. The library is a good source of information. Check out enrichment offerings from your local community college, arts council, YMCA or YWCA, Sierra Club, etc. Check meetup.com. Barnes and Noble sponsors a monthly book club.

Look for people who share your values and interests. Good, decent, fun-to-be-with people do not necessarily have to belong to a church.

summer Wrote:
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> Good, decent, fun-to-be-with people do not necessarily have to belong to a church.

Truth! And the best part is, making friends outside church, you know they are with you because they want to be, not because they think they are 'supposed' to be...

"how do you leave the church's culture and support system? I feel like I am about to be shunned"

You got that right. This isn't a simple matter and it's going to be challenging. But we are all trying to do it in our own ways. I wish I knew an easy answer to give. All I can say is take advantage of the opportunities you may have. And be generous to people you come across.

I assume you are employed? I work at home, so that doesn't help me make friends, although I did work in an office part of the time. Most of the friends I have or have had I made at work even in Utah.

I was never much into the social aspect of mormonism. I'm an introvert. I like to do things on my own. I took my kids with me a lot when I was a single mother, but now I have my boyfriend and we spend most of our "down time" together.

I was going through my marriage ending when I went inactive. Losing the church was secondary.

I agree with how you are handling having sex in terms of not having it for now. I knew my boyfriend years ago and we had been talking for 9 months when we finally met up again. I had 27 years to consider what I would do when I met him again. I was never one who could go out and have one-night stands. BUT that doesn't mean I think those who choose to live different than I do are wrong or that people are sinners for having sex on the first date or need to repent to the bishop. My boyfriend had a lot of sexual partners before I ever met him in the 1970s. My ex had plenty of sex before we married.

So he's not gay, huh?? I thought that at first, too. Your ex.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/30/2019 11:18PM by cl2.

There is an extra barrier when you meet someone who is a church member. There are two sets of boundaries, one yours and one imposed by the church and that you at least appear to have accepted/adopted. But you should come first. He may not be a member of the church, but he has both sets of boundaries to understand and deal with if he wants to fully understand you. Maybe you're not ready for sex (personal boundry) or maybe you are ready and then there is this church boundary left to deal with. Too many church members never understand the difference (not to mention how a non-member must see this issue). So they do not allow real intemacy. Either they violate someone's personal boundaries, or they have sex and then regret it because of their own religious beliefs. Then there are others who routinely violate the boundaries of others because they see no other alternative if they want to have any sex life at all (dysfunctional, but how it is for some people in the church).

You appear to have your priorities in the correct order and are trying to deal honestly with everyone in your life. Your ex probably never made it that far while he was with you. I think you should be very clear with yourself as you seem to be doing so far, about what your personal choices are and which ones were imposed on you by the church. Consciously dispose of the ones that aren't yours and have fun. Just be careful and make sure to give him the same respect as you expect yourself, from him.