Yesterday, I said I was sorry to an RfM parent under stress and I told them that I'd feel the same in their situation. I knew they were emotionally charged because they had hurled out a banned word at me when I gave advice that I thought was reasonable but they took as insulting.
After I stepped in to say I was sorry for the challenges they faced, a board member praised me for taking responsibility for their upset. They thought it was classy that I apologized when that was not my intention.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. Was it my responsibility how my words were interpreted? I think only possibly and partially.
Some on the board said I was harsh. That also was not my intention. I was trying to be realistic and helpful and I gave the same advice I'd given dozens of times on RfM and never had anyone told me to ----off until yesterday.
It's the same advice I would have given to parents when I was a teacher and some of them might have felt threatened by it but they never said I was harsh or used profanity to try to make me shut up. If they'd done that, I would have told them to leave my classroom until they could come to terms a bit better with their situation.
In my teaching career I've had to talk to parents about many sticky problems. This one of a child toying with mormonism isn't anywhere near the worst.
I just want to make it clear that I did not have that intention of being unfair or harsh or accepting responsibility for their situation. and that words on this board can be interpreted differently depending on the reader's mindset and experience.
Has anyone else had this experience of someone reading your words in ways you didn't intend?
When I had a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, we had a lot of miscommunications. I talked to my therapist about it and he said that something like 98% of communication is not in words, but in facial expression, etc. That is why texting and things like fb can cause so many issues.
My sister once thought that my son was talking to her on fb when he was actually talking to his girlfriend who he was on the verge of breaking up with. My niece told her to get off fb as she tends to think everything is aimed at her. She adores my son and so that was tough for her to take and it was Christmas Day no less.
This is a poor way to communicate.
I saw that post and I barely remember it, but I knew exactly what you were saying and I knew you DID NOT mean to offend the OP.
Yes, I’ve had a lot of people misinterpret something that I wrote in print. In person, the same phrase can sound different than when the same thing is said on paper. In person , the other person can tell by your voice and facial expression how you meant something vs the same thing on paper. My youngest sister always misinterprets and over reacts to everything, which is why my other sisters have to be careful what they say to her.
I remember times in literature classes when half the class would read a story in an opposite way from the rest of their classmates. The written word is tricky. I think it's worse on a discussion board when we're having conversations back and forth.
I wanted to let you know: I DID report the "Dazed and Confused" "f**-you" post to the moderators, immediately.
For whatever reason, the mods did not remove the post. I waited around a day and a half and when the post was still up, stated my opinion that Dazed owed you an apology.
It was my understanding that hurling schoolyard profanities was against Board guidelines. Since I was then subjected to the same profanity from a long-time poster for stating my opinion that "Dazed" owed you an apology, apparently I misunderstood the Guidelines.
I support the mods, I am sure they have their reasons.
I agree with Hockeyrat and Crispin, written posts lack the nuance of real-life discussions.
Cheryl, all your posts were thoughtful and considerate. There was nothing 'harsh' about anything, unless the OP just didn't like your view and decided cursing at you was the best response.
I enjoy your postings, Cheryl, I thought your views had merit. I agree that saying 'sorry' doesn't take responsibility, but it is a nice first step to acknowledge fault.
The whole episode left a very bad taste in my mouth. Life is hard enough without getting cursed out by people you don't even know.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2019 06:09PM by mel.
Moderators lead busy lives and can't always handle every little problem. I'm sure you didn't misunderstand the guidelines. I didn't care if the post stayed or went because I thought it didn't reflect on me as much as the person who originated it.
Seems like your recovery is progressing well and I'm sure many others are as happy as I am about it.
Nightingale Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > No worries, Tevai. You're not called upon to be on > duty 24/7 I trust. > > Or to be the world's most perfect moderator. > > Although you're not far off. :)
Hi Cheryl. Yes, that happened to me here recently. I was shocked at how vociferous the comeback was from one poster who had obviously completely misunderstood what I was saying. True enough it was an especially sensitive topic, eliciting strong gut reactions, especially from survivors. But it was my own thread and I had used a recent news story to contrast/compare/equate similar negative experiences. It was one of those 'this is like that' type of discussions and obviously I did not mean to dismiss the one issue for the sake of the other. It bothered me that a poster here thought I would do that. I don't think I come across as particularly insensitive, as they railed at me for being. But that was their reaction to my post and it's somewhat out of our control how people interpret what we say. All I can do is exercise care in how I state my opinions or feelings and then let it fly.
I find it instructive and helpful to see similarities in different events or circumstances - one may gain insight by looking at things in a variety of ways. For instance, if you see something amiss with Mormonism you may notice that it also applies to your own new faith, if you have one. That is bound to keep your eyes wide open. At the least, you may avoid being hypocritical or blinded, criticizing one religion while your own also has similar issues, if you could only see that. It can be difficult to examine one's own beliefs - once you believe you may not keep going over that ground - but if you look elsewhere and can see parallels it can be enlightening. Some people appreciate that, others not so much or they don't see it or don't accept it at all. But for me it works well. Notice how I don't denigrate adult converts. Cuz I were one. And I don't appreciate being called stupid, or worse, for that. A large part of the responsibility lies with the bait and switch artists. Although I accept my own part as well. I can't take it back but I can learn from it. For instance, I hereby state that God, if there is a god, must by now surely get that I had the intention to be a baptized believer. I've done it often enough. Once, as a baby. Once, as a toddler (which my mother only told me about this week!). So she baptized me Catholic, as a baby in England, and my father wanted me baptized Protestant in Canada where we moved to join him when I was 3. Then as a teen I chose a JW baptism. Years later I took the plunge into a Mormon font. So - God - enough? I am well and truly "wetted" I'd say. And I won't be doing that again.
It can be dicey, talking about this stuff that we do here, to be sure. I hope we can take it as a given that most posters have a degree of fellow feeling for each other. We're all in this together kind of attitude. Having had negative experiences of various kinds. Finding a way to negotiate this life thing that has no individual blueprint to point out the path for us. So in that we're in the same lifeboat. And we can hope that everybody survives it. Whatever it is. And be grateful for the strength we can take from each other.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2019 05:31PM by Nightingale.
Nightingale Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > ...But it was my own thread
Yes. Being attacked for a topic you started is disheartening. It has a chilling effect on your desire to start another topic, which is a shame. If people don’t like someone’s topic, no need to post on it, just move to the next!
The very first topic I ever posted someone made fun of my question. I hope you will continue posting, Nightingale, and not pay them any attention.
>Notice how I don't denigrate adult converts. Cuz I were one. And I don't appreciate being called stupid, or worse, for that.
Thank you from a fellow convert. :)
> And we can hope that everybody survives it. Whatever it is. And be grateful for the strength we can take from each other.
I just read through that thread, having missed it the first go around.
Your response seemed completely forthright and appropriate given the subject material.
I wish I'd have been here when my children were teenagers and we were for a time taking the missionary lessons following my parents deaths. My daughter was baptized LDS then (following a RLDS baptism several years prior.)
It was the worst decision I could have made for my family ie, allowing ourselves to become entangled again with the cult after leaving it when my children were still in gradeschool.
They sunk their hooks and talons into my daughter and wouldn't let go of her. Using deception and ploys so I wasn't aware of what was going on they had her mail re-directed to the YW leader's house instead of ours until I learned of their manipulation. That was when the SHTF, and we were outta there.
They still wouldn't let go of my daughter, hooks, claws, and talons. The damned cult. If hindsight were 20/20 I would never have returned in the first place. We resigned our membership, but the damage was done, and followed us long after we left there. That is why when I found RfM four years ago I was thankful there was somewhere to vent about the destructive cult.
There really isn't too many people who understand the toxic environment it puts people in, unless you've lived it.
I agree with Cheryl's reasoning. If I were the one asking, it would make perfect sense to me.
I'm only sorry we were duped by the Q15 for as long as we were, and that so many of our family still are.
Those guys are sharks - they know what they've gotten themselves into and how deceived they've led millions of others by the shirt tails. They're running a con game, and they're experts at it. Paul H. Dunn gave himself away when he got caught at his own lies.
The others are perhaps better liars than he is, that may be the only difference separating them. It saddens me to think about it, but it's been going on since Joseph Smith and Brigham Young started the ball rolling down to this day. For a cult, it's had a good run.
We're the ones breaking the generational cycle by leaving it.