Posted by:
exminion
(
)
Date: June 13, 2019 07:05PM
This^^^^^ Dorothy!
and logged out again today, summer, elderolddog, skittles, and others.
Dear Catholicrebel--you came to the right place! Many of us here on RFM have had experiences with Narcissists. "Cluster B" personalities include psychopaths and sociopaths.
Reading your list, was an eye-opener. Please re-read it, as Dorothy suggests. The way you wrote it, and the order of your list was very telling.
At first, I really did give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. Quick love--many people believe in love at first sight, and you might be irresistible! A vacuum cleaner! Definitely a keeper--I mean, the vacuum cleaner is a keeper. He is protective of you, and since your ex is abusive...oh, you wrote "OVERprotective."
But then came the HUGE RED FLAGS!
•Has a hard time giving me space but will if I say I absolutely need to be alone.
• Says I’m his soulmate
I feel like he’s smothering me...."
Of these red flags the last one should be put into bold type:
"I FEEL LIKE HE'S SMOTHERING ME."
I temple-married a returned missionary, who turned out to be a psychopath! I'll give you a few characteristics, and you can see if these apply to your "boyfriend". All of these things happened, and were observed, before I actually married him.
He frequently lied. He pretended to have a scholarship at the university I was attending. He went to the Mormon institute class (open to all, for free) on campus, but that was all.
You write that your boyfriend is from California, and moved recently. My ex-husband was from somewhere else, and no one knew him, where we were. He was a complete stranger. His brothers and sisters were in a foreign country, where his father was an LDS mission president. I didn't meet anyone, except his aunt, until AFTER we were married, and went to the foreign country on our honeymoon. It was then that his sister told me he had beaten her so badly that Social Services had removed her from their home. I discovered that He had a history of assault and battery, and killing and torturing pets.
If I had known these things, I never would have even spoken to him!
Please, please take the advice of elderolddog and logged out again today, and investigate this guy's past!!!!!
We do know that your GUT REACTION is prompting you to write this post, and ask questions. You are so wise to investigate and think with your head and heart. You must be a good mother.
My first "gut reaction" when I saw him, was to rescue my friend who was talking to him. He was leaning too close to her. He was good looking, but there was something about his body language I didn't like. Often our subconscious picks up on signals we miss--especially when someone is talking fast--because we are concentrating on what they are saying, not on who they are.
Do you remember your very, very first impression of your boyfriend? How did you feel about him, before he started pursuing you?
My ex was controlling, assertive, and invasive. My ex immediately "took possession of me" in public, by grabbing me and passionately kissing me, right in front of some of the young men I had been dating (since childhood, and one I was extremely fond of). It was his stamp of ownership on me. The kiss made me gag! But I ignored my gut feelings. He was inappropriately sexual, quite pushy, with wise limits, but I thought it was just that he loved me so much, LOL. He knew I would run, if he were immoral, so he hid that from me.
He moved too fast, and he said he loved me, too soon. We met at the end of the summer, he proposed marriage a few weeks later.
My ex always said we were "soul mates." He used the "God card", saying that he prayed about it, and The Lord prompted him that we should get married.
I felt smothered, too! This is huge! I agree that your boyfriend is trying to separate you from your ex-in-laws. What about your parents? Have they met him? Are you in close touch with your best friends? Other people are a necessary safety net for you! Also, children are often wiser than adults, when it comes to following their instincts. What is their impression of him?
I was looking forward to going home for Christmas, and being with my family and old friends, but my ex-then-boyfriend manipulated me into inviting him to come home with me, and stay in my parent's house. I couldn't see my longtime high school boyfriend. My friends didn't like him. My old boyfriends were afraid of him. One old HT student friend bought me an ice cream cone on campus, and my ex pouted, and was jealous.
Does your "boyfriend" pout? Is he jealous? Does he give you a hard time, when you want to do things without him? That's a bad sign. Does he have any friends to do things with, himself? Does he have any hobbies, besides pursuing you?
Sociopaths are good actors, and master manipulators. He fooled my friends and all of my family. He was always smiling, a "gentle giant", bragged about his mission, bragged about his football awards, was overly friendly, very confident, overtly sexy (lied that he was a virgin). He was a con man. He married me for my money. The details of the frequent beatings, my broken bones, some permanent injuries won't help, except to say,
Do your research.
Do not let this person you hardly know move in with you and your kids.
OK! End of rant. I can't wait to see if this "boyfriend" actually leaves you alone this weekend! This will be a test! I'm willing to bet you money, that you end up being with him this weekend. I predict that he will try to manipulate you, probably by making you feel sorry for him, or that you are being unreasonable. Maybe he'll use Father's Day as a reason to see you, and surprise you with a gift or flowers, or something "thoughtful" to get him in the door.
Two more examples from my criminal ex-husband. 1)I was miserably sick with the flu--nothing serious--and I desperately wanted to sleep and be left alone. He would not. After telling him "no" many times, he just showed up at my door, and my roommates were not there, and he came right into my room, and would not leave when I asked him to.
2)I was sick of being smothered and controlled, so I broke up with him, after the ice cream cone incident. He would not let me break up with him! He talked and begged and manipulated, and I became more and more sure I never wanted to see him again. Then he started to cry. I threw the fraternity pin into the trees, never to be found, and said I never wanted to even look at him again. Then he threatened to kill himself! I didn't know what to do. Sad to say, I was all alone by that time, except for my roommates who were fooled. I had no strong men to help me, no information or knowledge to give me strength. I felt like I would be responsible for a suicide! I was so ashamed, that I never told anyone. That's a mistake. Always tell someone, when you feel trapped or smothered!!!!
Please return and report if he leaves you alone and respects your privacy--or not.
(((hugs))) I'm worried for you.