A link in a post by sharapata caused an unexpected flashback for me today. I was surprised as although my Mormon interlude was unpleasant from my baptism service onwards (I stayed in for 3 years, figuring I had made “commitments” and was therefore obligated) it wasn’t overly traumatic. Certainly not like what you hear/read about the deeply negative experiences of BICs and long term converts. Thank all the powers that be I did not marry a Mormon. No baggage. I could just quietly fade away. They were as happy to see the back of me, I assume, as I was to never darken their doorway again, as nobody from church even called to see if I was alive or dead, not even the bishop, and no VTs or HTs. I spent most of my time with the missionaries, even after baptism. That was likely unusual and not the expected course for a new convert but that was where I found the most comfortable space. And I never did manage to make any more Mormon friends. Talk about making someone feel like an outcast.

Unfortunately, even being with the missionaries was fraught – quite a few negative experiences, including getting involved in a “domestic abuse” situation, as I regard it, between one domineering sister missionary against a younger much more submissive one, who thought it was all *her* fault, instead of being able to see that abuse is the fault of the abuser, despite my best efforts, including taking her to the mission home and talking to the MP about the situation. (He was quite nasty to me and refused to consider that there was a problem). They kept the abused sister at the mission home for a week, to further inculcate her into the ways of a mission, in my view, as she came back doubling down on sticking it out and submitting to whatever was going on in their apartment. It really soured me on Mormonism. Weird. Creepy. Depressing. The abuse, by the companion and the mission president and his wife, included not seeking appropriate medical care for the submissive sister even when she was obviously very ill. (I did manage to get her in to see my own GP, which I paid for, as well as lab tests, having no idea that the church had a medical plan and nobody informed me of such before or after the event. Again – weird).

The MP also instituted a rule against ward members feeding missionaries any more, unless there was a serious investigator present – hard to come by, as we all know. I noticed that some mishies were very hungry on an ongoing basis, and they were already skinny at the start. I ended up buying them groceries so they could at least make basic meals in their apartments.

The abusive sister missionary in the end showed her true colours – being a total hypocrite – by apparently falling in love with an investigator and getting engaged. They sat together at general conference, with no pretense even that her comp was with her, and the MP had no problem with it, as it was allowed to go on. They tried using me for cover, which I resented. Turns out it didn’t matter as they acted like lovebirds instead of missionary and investigator and no censure from the MP, bishop, SP or anybody came their way. In fact, she planned to leave her mission early and get married to him and the MP gave his permission. IIRC, the guy was already married and had a child. They ended up breaking up soon after.

Then, of course, there are the missionaries who act like your best friend and then immediately drop you following your baptism. The couple in the ward who had intro’d me to the mishies (I had known the husband through some volunteer work I was doing) also dropped me following my baptism (an unpleasant experience for them as well, right enough, as I’ve detailed here before, when the bishop accused me and the husband of having an affair – I was mortified – and what a dope not to walk away *before* the baptism that evening – again, I felt so committed that I couldn’t back out – stupid!). When I was discussing it with the member in question afterwards (who had baptized me), he said it was my fault. All righty then. End of "friendship".

I cried all the way to a Christmas concert I was taking the missionaries to one night (a few weeks after my baptism). I told the missionary whose family had been EVs before converting to Mormonism – surely a rare event. He had been the most instrumental in persuading me to be baptized. It was the first time I could talk to someone about the incident as I was so upset. I told him what had happened and he was shocked. He apologized “on behalf of the church”. (OK, you 19-year-old kid, you!). I’m not really an easy crier so that showed me the depth of my disillusionment, sorrow, embarrassment, regret and shame.

So, now, after years of being out, I regard myself as “over it”. Then out of the blue it hits me again. Just how truly awful the entire Mormon interlude was, for many reasons. I haven’t thought about it in depth though for quite a long while. Then I opened sharapata’s thread, clicked on the link and wham, right between the eyes again. It was the photo of all the missionaries sitting at a conference.

Flashback. Big time.

Man, you’ve got to be cautious about clicking!

I’m fine. And obviously it’s not anybody’s fault in the here and now. But colour me surprised today by an unexpected flashback that brings all that unpleasantness to front of mind again.

I guess by definition flashbacks are always unexpected.

Here’s the thread, and the link. It’s just a picture of rows of smiling missionaries. On the surface, nothing to see there. But I guess it pays to watch out for what lurks beneath. Things can leap up and bite you in the tender spots.

Lucky me. NOT going to Mormon meetings again in my lifetime.


Thread:

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,2236899,2236899#msg-2236899


Photo:

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/900077168/church-announces-mormon-mission-lds-cost-increase.html



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2019 02:10PM by Nightingale.

You might just have PTSD. I didn't know what hit me when I e-mailed the bishop (at the time) that I didn't want HTs. My daughter had gone back to church and this is the bishop who "helped her" back, which is where I got the e-mail. He started e-mailing bearing his testimony to me. I did at least tell him that I remember well walking past his home on the way to church on Sundays during a time I was trying to save my family AND HE WAS MOWING THE LAWN.

I had to go ask my therapist why all of a sudden I was suicidal. Things that shouldn't trigger me--will. Like my aunt's grandson leaving the church, which is a GREAT THING--threw me.

Boy, my daughter's temple marriage I thought I'd made it through going to the temple to have pictures until my aunt's e-mail. The 55 stairs to the sealing room was the thing that hit me the hardest, but it was all offensive. I dealt with PTSD for a good 3 weeks or more after that.

I tend to think you have PTSD. It doesn't have to be going to Iraq or Afghanistan as a soldier to get PTSD. Everyone also reacts differently to experiences.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2019 03:08PM by cl2.

Thanks, cl2. I can read about all the many negative experiences people have had with Mormonism, especially growing up in it, without always thinking back to when I was associated with the church. But that unexpected photo gave me a jolt. Took me right back to the worst moments I had with it.

However, it's not severe, momentary in fact. I'm far more fortunate than many in that regard.

And certainly being in combat and other horrendous experiences is in a league of its own. Maybe I shouldn't use the term 'flashback'.

I have often read about your background in the church and the bishop's advice to you that changed the course of your life. He was grossly unfair to both you and your ex, causing great harm. Fortunately, you fought back and made things work out. Amazing how you reconnected with your first love. Life is funny that way. Sometimes we are lucky enough to survive relatively intact. I am totally free of any Mormon influence, with no contact at all, except for the occasional missionary I see around or who comes to my door every once in a long while. It was just that photo of the missionaries that got me in the mind and gut for a moment, out of the blue. But no true harm done. It used to hurt but no longer (other than when I sometimes tell myself what a dope I was to proceed past the point where I felt comfortable).

One of the best lessons parents can teach kids is to SAY NO when you want to walk away from something. Don't let anyone or anything compel you to go beyond the point of comfort with what's going on. I have tried not to regret that I went ahead and got baptized even though the idiot bishop and the events of that evening screamed to me to get out. The ward building was a long way from my home and I hadn't driven myself there. I wonder if I'd had my own vehicle whether I would have left when the bishop lost his mind. I would like to have never gone through with the baptism. Poor choice. Bad memory. But we live and hopefully learn. I won't be doing *that* again!

I had a flashback about the creepy touching in the Sacrament and F&T meetings... it reminded me of my dad would touch me and hug me in church in front of everybody, but didn't even notice me outside of church... all for show...

I'm sorry, shylock. That sounds awful.

It can certainly be creepy.

And many Mormon parents have a lot to answer for regarding their kids.

Nightingale, Cl2 and shylock, I have those terrible reactions, too, periodically. I had some awful experiences in tscc, and the worst ones involved my poor children. Some of it I am unable to talk about to this day. I have been through counseling and need more still. I'll be ok for awhile, then something will trigger me and I have to crawl out of it all over again.
So hugs and love to all of you. I do understand.

I'm sorry Aquarius 123. Thanks for your post. Glad things are looking up for you.

I get PTSD flashbacks, too.

Therapy has helped me, and if I could put a number to it, I'm about 80% better. Yes, those triggers can be unexpected. I've learned to handle and/or avoid the usual triggers. I get along just fine, in my everyday life, with my family, in my career. I'm very happy, and life is very good, now I'm cult-free.

I, too, forget how awful the Mormon cult really was--but, Nightingale--take this as a sign that you ARE getting better and better, as time goes by! One of my daughters married a Mormon in the temple, so I can't completely put all the Mormon garbage behind me. Still, I get overconfident, and think I can handle things. For example, I went to the baptism of my first grandchild, and the flashbacks made me shake and feel sick to my stomach. I powered through, but I was so sick afterwards, that I had to miss three full days of work! That was not worth it!

I didn't go to my other grandchild's baptism last month, and it was a happy reprieve for me, and my grandson didn't mind my missing it. I avoid funerals, because even going into a Mormon building gives me flashbacks, let along hearing that same canned spam and lies. I go to the mortuary viewings, and write a nice note on the mortuary website. For Mormon weddings, I order a gift mailed, and go to wedding receptions of close family members, only. I don't enjoy being around Mormons.

I had to struggle with the change of going from extrovert to introvert, but have learned that there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, at all.

Last weekend, I went to a relative's wedding in Provo. Driving to Provo brought back flashbacks of when I was raped and assaulted on the BYU campus, and of living in Provo for months as a battered temple wife. When I arrived at that ugly temple, I felt horrible--abused all over again--by having to be reminded. I was going to subject myself to more (undeserved) blame and disgrace, by standing around in the 90-degree heat, all dressed up in an uncomfortable skirt and high heels, and maybe find a vacant seat in the waiting room for the "unworthies." My stomach and intestines started to churn. Why was I punishing myself? I turned the car around, and drove up to Sundance, and filled my mind with great memories skiing in the moonlight with my nice not-Mormon boyfriend, and more recent memories of riding mountain bikes there with my children.

Though I was a Mormon for my entire lifetime, the majority of my experiences were not effected by it. And now, I am free of it.

I returned for the last part of the Provo reception, and no one even asked (or cared) why I hadn't been there for the beginning, and for the temple photographs. I'm fine now (except for this rant) and ready to go to work Monday.

Be patient with yourself. Don't be ashamed of having flashbacks. They aren't a sign of weakness. They don't have anything to do with your self-control, your mind, your character or personality, really. Flashbacks. just. are. Because omething truly awful happened to you!

A good (not Mormon) therapist, all the cognitive-behavioral techiques, the yoga breathing, exercise, bio-feedback, vitamins, and even some medications, really do help! What works the best of all, for me, is AVOIDANCE. If church upsets you, just don't go there.

Just a reminder that your loss of your Mormon "friends" is NOT about you, at all. I've heard of a many converts who have been treated the same way you were. Yeah, it's about them, not you.

You are not alone.

Thanks, exminion, for a great post. You covered a lot of ground. Sorry for all that you've been through. Glad it's getting better for you.

I like your line "If church upsets you, just don't go there". Funny how they can get people to feel so guilty about not doing something even if it's not in their own best interest. I have often posted about a hospital chaplain I confided in once. I had left Mormonism but was having a big issue with the EV church that I had gone back to post-mo. It never occurred to me to just find a different church - I had always operated on the basis that you have to stay and work things out. Somewhat, I guess, like not leaving an abusive husband because you made marriage vows and you "don't believe in breaking them". When I was agonizing with the chaplain over not wanting to attend that EV congregation any more due to mega issues but believing it's bad to miss church on a Sunday, she said "Why would you go back to the place that hurt you?" Bolt of lightning in my brain - what a concept! Of course that makes sense but sometimes it takes a while to see it. Best if we can free ourselves of feeling obligated towards anything or anyone that is actually harmful for us. If it works for others, so be it, but we don't have to squish ourselves into a tiny box that doesn't suit us. Took me way too long to come to that conclusion. Having a personal preference and going with it is not a sin or selfish. It's OK to find what works for oneself and go with that.

To be clear to all, I don't think I truly have PTSD - as I said above, I maybe should have avoided the word 'flashback'. It was just a momentary punch in my gut to unexpectedly see the picture of the smiley missionaries all in rows, like I saw so many times IRL during my time in Mormonism. I cannot claim to have suffered too much psychologically and certainly not physically. I was lucky in that I only attended the church meetings, and quite a few calls on folks with the missionaries, but my entire life outside of that was unrelated to Mormonism. Maybe that's what saved me, gave me balance, and there was a lot to fall back on when I kicked Mormonism to the curb. I had no family in, no spouse or kids, no true Mormon friends, and I detested SM etc so it was actually a relief and exhilarating even to walk away. I've talked to various missionaries a few times since but no leader ever called. They were happy to see the back of the weird lady who didn't love Mormonism and inconveniently kept asking to get into the church library. I wanted to read some church history. They wouldn't even let members use the library ("it's only for teachers"). That should be a big ol' clue right there that all is not well and this is NOT the place!

I get a very specific kind of "flashback" - it's the "Oh Shit" moment when I realized how weird mormons and their "church" are, followed by the question, "What have I gotten myself into".

Three months later, possibly fewer, I resolved never to go back.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD from my military service, as well as major depressive disorder, and I too have flashbacks of the strange things that happened while I was a member. The hugging at F&T, how touchy everyone seemed (especially when I was still single) and that weird fake smile most of the people seemed to have on Sunday that disappeared on Monday.

Therapy helps, having someone to talk to that understands the situation is better. I like my therapist, but there's still things I can't talk about, even with her. Hadn't really thought about bringing up my Mormon experience, maybe I should. They have me on SSRIs that seem to help, exercise, mediation and other things assist in concentration. I never was suicidal (I like myself too much and have WAY too many experiences with that particular issue, but that's another story), but I'd find myself unable to cope and that's when the flashbacks came hot and heavy. Still can't enjoy a fireworks show, all I have to hear is the mortar "thump" and I'm done.

Took me almost a year to get my letter sent to the bishop and SLC, kept trying to resolve MY issues with the belief that at least the "fellowship" of the members was a good thing. The relief I felt when my letter telling me I was no longer a member was indescribable and I thought that might help, but not really...

Flashbacks are gonna happen, there's a million keys out there and no way to avoid them all. It's how you handle them that counts.

Thanks for letting me ramble on, that helps too... :-)

had the fallout of my marriage to deal with, too, and the fun time I had with my ex after he left. I can prepare myself for situations like going to the temple grounds when my daughter got married and I was fine. It was bizarre and harder than I thought it would be, but I thought the day was a good day and a happy day. I had a lot of good experiences.

Then came the e-mail from my aunt. It blindsided me. It is those blindsided moments that can throw you. She tends to do that every time something goes on with my daughter like when she went through the temple the first time.

I have an exmormon therapist and he is invaluable. I go see him and have a little talk and he zeroes right in on why I feel like I do.