Posted by:
exminion
(
)
Date: October 03, 2019 03:35AM
I can sort of understand your feelings. I was a very devout Mormon, all my life, Born into the Mormon church (BIC), and in a "Mormon Royalty" GA family. I would see my relative speak in Conference on TV, and would feel very special, and that I had to set an especially good example of obedience to my peers.
I loved two men, and one was an atheist, and 6 years older, and my parents made him stop dating me. My other boyfriend was a Mormon neighbor, in our ward, who refused to go on a mission, because his education was too important to him. When he got his PhD, he knew the church wasn't true, so he quit. My parents didn't want me to marry him, so I married a returned missionary, after knowing him only 5 months. We had never met his family. He pretended to be perfect, but he was hiding a history of abuse and assault. I divorced him, but not until I suffered 14 months of being a battered wife--trying to keep my temple vows, and thinking that it was my fault that I was being beaten. After the divorce, I spent many years trying to get a temple divorce, or cancellation of sealing, or a "temple clearance", or whatever it was called. I married an old boyfriend from BYU, and had children with him, and the Mormon leaders told me that I and my children by my second husband were all sealed to my first husband, as his property in the Hereafter. My temple husband was married in the temple two more times! I started investigating the temple rules, and the rules of how sealings worked, and the disparity of those rules between men and women, and how the rules kept changing over the years. This led to more study about JS and his polygamous, criminal past, and I uncovered all the lies. I resigned.
The first time I went to the temple was to a temple dedication, over which my GA relative was presiding. I was about 15. During the dedicatory prayer, I felt a strong feeling of--evil! It was similar to a strong feeing of hatred mixed with fear, but it was so real, that I still believe in "Satan", or "the presence of evil" in out life. Everyone told me that Satan could not enter the temple, once it was dedicated, so I thought maybe I felt Satan leaving the building.
My first temple session was in preparation for my marriage. It was back in the days when the matrons actually touched our breasts and pubic area with oil, during the "anointing." I was dressed in only a "shield" which was like a poncho: a short, square sheet, to the knees, with a hole in it for your head. Completely open on both sides. The matron put her hand under the sheet. It was creepy!
In the endowment ceremony, they ask if anyone wants to leave. This is before anything happens, and it's all secret, so I didn't know what was about to happen. My mother was firmly on one side of me, and my SIL on the other side, and some friends and aunts, so I didn't dare leave--but I wanted to jump up and run out of there!
In those days, we had to actually act out, in pantomime, the slitting of our own throat, then the cutting open of our own chest, then disemboweling ourself, saying, three times, with each of the three actions, "suffer my life to be taken", if we ever told any of the secrets of the temple. No wonder no one ever talked about it!
I have felt the presence of Satan every time I have been to the temple! I've been to several different temples, but the evil feeling has been the same. My purse and shoes were stolen out of my locker, and I walked out of the temple barefoot on my wedding day! I had a sweater stolen, in a different temple. The lockers do no good.
I had been looking forward to finally talking about the temple with my mother and father in the celestial room, but no talking is allowed! Every time, in every temple, we were rushed through, and not allowed to sit down on the chairs and couches there! Those are just for show! The matrons would say, "Please hurry--another group is coming through. A couple of times, my friends and I waited, and we saw no other group coming through.
Follow your heart! Your gut feelings--also known as "woman's intuition"--are all you can trust. Don't let others TELL YOU what your gut feelings SHOULD BE, either. Like many other ex-Mormons, my instincts led me to study and investigate the religion further, and I discovered, on my own, that Mormonism is a hoax. When I was studying, I promised myself two things:
1. I would not read any "anti-Mormon" writings. I studied only the Mormon scriptures, Mormon church history, Mormon books.
2. I would keep my beliefs in Christ and the Bible, and would separate those from my brainwashing of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon.
Welcome to RFM. The world outside of Mormonism is beautiful! You will understand that there's no such thing as "a broken home", and realize that your life was not "lesser than" anyone else's! There is unconditional love in the world. The stratified, exclusive Mormon heaven, polygamy, and the temple rituals are nasty lies. You don't have to pay money to God. And that's just the beginning. ((((Hugs. You will be fine!)