I want to be a person do not take advantage of.

What can I do?

Build a wall around yourself, with a mote around the wall, full of snakes and alligators.

Or....You have to know what you will and won't tolerate in others upfront. When someone goes into the area you won't tolerate, you end the relationship.

Make sure your moat has lots of sharks with fricken laser beams on their heads.

After years of being the person everyone called for church projects and other volunteer work, I finally learned a magic word: NO

It's really okay to say no. Your preferences and time count just as much (or more) as anyone else's. If you need time, tell the person asking you for something, "I need to check my calendar. Let me get back to you about that." It will buy time for you to decide what you wish to do.

Decide in advance your policies. For instance, I would only lend or give money in an emergency to a close family member or very close friend. And I don't lend more money than I could afford to give away, if I need to.

Make decisions about where your charitable donations (if any) will go. It really doesn't matter if it is someone's favorite charity. You get to decide *your* favorite charities. No one else has the right to tell you where to donate. This includes your employer. If for instance, the United Way is not your thing, don't be afraid to say, "no." If your employer says, "It's just a dollar for this particular cause," you don't have to donate that dollar. Stand your ground.

The root of establishing boundaries is self-esteem. You have to convince yourself that YOU (your preferences, your desires, your wants, and your needs) really do count.

Everyone gets taken advantage of now and then. We are human. I have a basic rule based on the old saying, "Don't call me--I'll call you."

"No" becomes the default position. This way, with the No in place as first response, you don't need to debate whether you should do something or not.

I don't accept any service from anyone who contacts me. If I need something I will contact whoever I feel is the best person for the job, scrutinize their record and then use them. I know who they are because I called them.

But anyone who calls me on the phone gets an automatic No even if the offer sounds good-- which it will--- cuz that's their job to make it sound too good to pass on. I advised my elderly mother to do this with calls and it has given her a lot of peace. Automatic No. Works.

Personal relationships are different. Harder to do an automatic no. Once I had a pick-up truck and as soon as I bought it everyone had something that needed to be hauled. I finally realized this wasn't a friendship thing. This was a being used thing. I got sick of being nice and began saying no. Haul your own couch.

No is a hard word for most of us to learn to use. Especially Mormons where it is actually a sin to say no to the bishop, the church. We were taught to say never say no to our parents from a young age. Saying yes is engrained. Society makes you think if you are saying no that you are not a nice person.

So great. Not a nice person. I'm happy with that. Because what they are really saying is that I am a very real autonomous person. And if I say yes it really means something.

The "need-to-be-liked" is not always your friend. Try developing a need to be not liked. I'm serious. Also, try reading Co-dependent no more. Talks about all of this in depth and makes hard hitting points. Co-dependency isn't just for couples.

Part of liking yourself is not worrying who else likes you. And, like RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else?"

Great advice, and so true.

Some times you have to progress to "F you" to get your point across. But you have to mean it. Not every relationship needs to be salvaged.

Learn this one internet trick!!! It's better to be alone than in bad company.

I sincerely believe that once you learn this, you become a virtual people magnet. Which brings us back to the lovely word, "no."

I should give lessons in this.

Ha! It didn't work on me!

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Ha! It didn't work on me!


you were the exception.

oh my gosh you guys are funny...what a fun relationship. God bless you both.

When I was in high school it was common in this region for students to take at least 1 year of Spanish. Most of us took 2 in addition to another language. Some took 3 and 4 years. We had one teacher each for French and German, and 3 for Spanish. One of the Spanish teachers had a section of first year French and some of my classmates had already taken two years of French when we got to his first year Spanish class, occasionally mixing the languages with embarrassing results.

Anyway, Spanish classes included proverbs, one of them:

Más vale estar solo que mal acompañado.

I may have memorized them because they return to mind whenever appropriate.

just draw the borders with a sharpie on a paper map OPie ~



that should help you ~



u r welcome ~

Oh my heavens! Ziller slips one past the authorities.

The goalkeeper replaces his mask and wishes he could hide.

Take a class or read a book on "assertiveness training". All this is, is techniques and dialogs on how to say "No." I learned how to be assertive from business classes I took, and also business seminars. It was all business-oriented, but I recognized, word-for-word some of the dialogs the Mormons were using to manipulate me into extra service, playing the piano for extra meetings and parties (for free), cleaning the building (which I refused to do), giving them more money, etc.

Word for word! So, I memorized my side of the dialogs, in saying no.

The most effective way to say no, is to give no explanation at all. Especially with Mormons, but also with anyone trying to manipulate you, giving them an excuse or reason just opens up more dialog, and more opportunities for them to engage you in conversations geared to making you change your mind. Don't give them those chances.

"No"
"No, I won't be going."
"No, I won't be there,"
"No, I'm not doing that."

If you say, "No, I can't" Their answer is "Yes you CAN." or "WHY can't you?" Then you are led into trying to explain.

If you say a polite "No, thank you." Their answer is, "Awwww, you are so nice, and you will enjoy doing this!" or "You will be doing us a huge favor, thank you."

You are not obligated to be polite to people who are trying to cross your boundaries.

I like Done and Done's "automatic no" technique. I do this all the time, without thinking about it. Later, if I change my mind, I can always call the pushy eager-beaver that asked me. In thinking back on it, I don't think I ever changed my mind!

Checking the calendar, is what I use, mostly. How can I possibly fit anything in, or plan anything, unless I see what's happening that day, and even that week? I tell them that my cell phone calendar isn't up-to-date, and that I'll have to call them back from the office, where my main calendar is. Usually, my main decision is not the time, but whether or not I really WANT to do something.

Make firm borders concerning insults, abuse, criticism, gossip, cruelty to others, etc. I have PTSD, and witnessing abuse happening to others is extremely upsetting to me, and I will not be around those people at all. For example, my best friend's husband is abusive, and their son is very large and loud, and the son came barging into her living room, where we were visiting, with a loaded gun, waving it around, and swearing loudly, that his father said he couldn't buy a motorcycle, and that he would shoot anyone who would try to keep him from buying one. I don't go to her house, anymore, and I don't have her come over to mine, either, but we arrange to meet somewhere for lunch, instead, once in a while.

You would think that if you said "No" to everything and everyone that you don't like, or that annoyed you--that you would end up with no friends and no life at all. NOT!

Elderolddog is right. As you flush out all those negatives, there is more room for positive things, and positive people. The friends I have now are people I really, really enjoy. I spend time on my family, instead of trying to keep up with Mormon RS, church meetings, Tupperware and MLM sales parties, wedding and baby showers for people I barely know, charity work that is only to promote and advertise the Mormon cult. I have always enjoyed my career (and making money) more than I ever "enjoyed" church, and now I have more time to spend working. I donate to charities I believe in, and actually enjoy our office fund-raisers.

The bottom line is that, by saying "No" more often, I am doing MORE of the good stuff.

Many of us have had to re-align our lives with our new post-Mormon values, and create new protective boundaries. I was so afraid of being used, again. You'll get the hang of it pretty quick, and the rewards will be almost instantaneous. I remember the first time I said "No" to the ward Christmas party, and "No" for cooking a casserole for 10, and "No" for playing the piano for the carol singing. That night, the kids and I stayed home and made pizza, and watched "Christmas Vacation", in our pajamas, and it was like celebrating getting out of jail, or something. We said that we would never go to another ward Christmas party again, and we didn't.

I don't have to even open my door to anyone I don't know or don't want to talk to. If I need somebody, I will call them. If a stranger needs my help, my secretary, or friends, or people at work or at school or at the charities will get hold of me.

"No" will open up a whole new world to you--especially with the holidays coming up!

A boundary is simply a “no”. Even without using the word you can choose not to tolerate certain things. All of this is personal, and you need to be clear on what you won’t put up with. Also remember that trust is earned, and not a given. Be aware that people who don’t take no for an answer are not respecting your boundaries; it’s when people keep doing this that you need to cut them out.

Where have you been, Long? An extended mission to clean the toilets?

Heavenly Father's super awesome Correlation program wondrously molds us so that we just don't have much time for RfM. We have an amazing legacy of super holy prophets like Beloved Brigham. He taught us that Utah (and this wondrous Church) are like a Beehive State where we are always busy building up the Kingdom. No time for idleness. Just time for obedience. I look forward to the spirit World when we'll have real rest for our worn-out and beaten souls. And then comes exaltation. That's when I'll get to do my very favorite thing 24/7 and that's reading messages in my SPAM inbox. I'll have trillions of spirit children messaging me every minute about their lost car keys and other super important crises. And I'll have to answer them quickly or they'll start to have doubts and end up like the evil apostate Mormons in this life who will be stuck in a lesser kingdom sitting idle at some Terrestrial resort sipping Terrestrial Kingdom drinks & enjoying the beauty. However I'll be getting what's known as exaltation - i.e. reading trillions of SPAM box messages every minute 24/7 for the restl of all time and eternity. Its a very appealing reward waiting for me.

You won't be answering spam 24/7. You'll also be boning your celestial harem with your divine super-long johnson.

I use to experience this trouble when I worked retail. Associates who didn't have any money or needed a ride everyday. They wanted access to my wallet at every break. If you can stay out of certain big box employers (I won't say who, but I'm sure you can guess) get employed somewhere that's not the bottom.

Yes they are wonderful people but it's their employer that pays their salary not you. And you don't have to give a ride to someone every day either (unless they give something back). It's not professional.

I think this is a pertinent question for someone leaving mormonism. In the mormon church my boundaries and my privacy were always being violated. I ended up avoiding phone calls; but I thought, there has to be a better way. It took years to figure it all out. It’s more natural for me to think “I don’t have to answer that” and “I don’t have to do that” without feeling a great deal of anxiety and guilt.

It was very freeing for me to realize that I didn't have to answer a ringing phone, or answer to some random person knocking on my door, trying to sell me something.

Nowadays if a solicitor calls me, wanting something, I just hang up right away with no comment. That person invaded the peace and privacy of my home. I owe that person nothing.

"Borders"...another common term is boundaries, same meaning I think. You know, you have to teach people how to treat you and you do that by setting boundaries with them. You can do it in a very pleasant way, but you have to be firm and direct at the same time. It doesn't matter whether they agree with your boundary, in fact, they probably will not agree. That's okay. We all feel bothered and/or exploited by different things in life. What bothers me, won't bother you, etc. So basically you just get a back bone, and tell them, "Hey, this doesn't work for me."

When I was a Mormon, I had a pick up truck and a 15-passenger van. For some reason, other Mormons in the ward felt that my truck and van were common property, and that I should allow them to borrow any time they wanted. It was really strange. One time a leader in the ward contacted my wife while I was at work, and said, "Hey I'll be by to pick up the truck...your hub said it was okay..will gas it up, etc." I never had any conversation like that. When I got home, saw my truck was missing, and figured out what had happened through my wife, I phoned the guy, "Ok bring my truck back now. I never gave you permission. I don't borrow out my vehicles ever to non-family due to insurance reasons." He didn't like it, but I didn't care. I refuse to be exploited.

I totally agree with what D&D said above.

Learn how to be direct on the phone. Don't let someone push a message until you establish exactly who they are and make them give up why they want to talk to you. Most people speak some kind of mental script with leading questions. Break 'em up, ask 'em questions, break up their rhythm. Never answer questions; most questions lead to asking for a decision after the caller has asked a series of the obvious to set up for the real shot.

Make the other guy tip his hand first. If someone starts the call with "are you XXX?," get rude and direct and make him fully ID himself and his business before you talk to him. Also ask his full name and (paper) mailing address. It's also useful if you don't identify yourself to the incoming caller and make him ID himself and exactly who he is before you confirm who you are. No bill collector and no salesman (of any form) can segue into a business call until he identifies he's speaking to the decision maker.

If I had my way, I'd put a strap over the phone set and a lock on it to keep children from dashing at a ringing phone, too.

Know what you stand for and stand in it. Hold your authority and don’t give it away. It’s that simple. If you don’t want to talk about something say you don’t want to talk about it. If you don’t want to talk at all don’t.