Posted by:
exminion
(
)
Date: October 25, 2019 12:55AM
Yes. In all the temples I visited, the feeling was the same. I kept thinking the feeling would lessen, the more I went, and I would get used to the weird death rituals, the costumes, the whispers, all the shuffling, and the smells. But--the spirit of Satan--or whatever it was--was there to pounce on me, every time!
BYU depressed me. I had to grow into those "red-flag" emotions. As a child, my Provo cousins and I used to walk to the campus to play tennis, and have picnics by the little creek that wound around the campus (probably gone, now). But, as a student, that place was oppressive, and gave me a feeling of hopelessness, despair. I never was perfect enough. I never fell in love with any of the arrogant, chauvinistic Mormon boys I met. Probably, I never met the decent boys, because they were more reserved. I had given up my childhood soul mate, the love of my life, because he was Atheist, and no one ever measured up to who he was. Even in my two marriages, I never reached the depth of understanding and unconditional love, that the two of us had. He never found it, either, but we are sad and faithful to our families, to the end.
I just remember wandering around BYU, being bored with the classes, not knowing what Major to declare, and not being encouraged or challenged intellectually, because I was only a giggly female. To this day, if ever I'm manipulated into going on the BYU campus, that old feeling of despair and hopelessness engulfs me. It's like I was another person there--a victim--and now I'm back to being my old self, happily moving forward.
It makes me sad to think that I was told I could find love or even acceptance in a place like that. Teachers gave me good grades, because I did the work; I was never inspired or uplifted. Whenever I visit the other university at home, where I would work and go to school in the summers, I get the opposite reaction. I had achievement there, possibilities, opportunities, happiness!
These gut reactions occur to teach us something! These feelings are instant, and uncontrollable, and they happen before anyone has a chance to start manipulating and threatening and brainwashing us. I trust children's reaction to things, more than my own adult reaction. My children realized it was a cult full of lies and hoaxes, long before I did, and they led me out.
I made a vow to always listen to my heart, and heed those "creepy feelings."