What do you do when you don't fit in the contemporary modern world?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2020 08:51AM by anybody.

You become a conservative and watch Denise Praeger, and Mark Stines on Youtube? Everyone has their ideologies.

Instead of hitting your head against The Mormon Wall you let other priesthoods do it for you.

Because regardless of losing Mormonism one has to have their ideologies slapped into their heads.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2020 05:22PM by Elder Berry.

No thanks.

I don't smoke, do drugs, or drink coffee. I do have a drink now and then, maybe twice a year. I'm an adulteress, so I guess that takes me out of the "and no" I assume you are stating at the end.

I have a gay husband. We have basically not been in a marriage for over 25 years. I have reasons I didn't divorce him. My doctor, here in Utah, calls my boyfriend of 15 years my husband.

I don't know, which is more right and which is more wrong to you? Marrying someone gay in the temple or being in a relationship with my boyfriend who I chose not to marry at age 20 because he wasn't mormon and have now been in a relationship for 15 years? To me, they made a mockery of marriage. Even if I got divorced, I wouldn't remarry. I live true to myself now.

I was just thinking about how ironic it is when I get the question "What, are you Mormon or something?" because I don't drink coffee, alcohol, smoke, do drugs, or have casual sex outside of a serious relationship (could count them on one hand) and I'm not. Did date a lot of Mormon guys though.

I did date one guy who was very nice, charming, always a perfect gentleman -- but never seemed to take any interest in me physically. One time I went out to a bar to meet some of his friends back east. Some of the girls were gently ribbing me about my slim figure (Being from the Southwest I was wearing Rocky Mountain jeans and cowboy boots -- if you know what those are you know how they look) but he never seemed to notice me or even give me a "you look nice" comment. He was very nerdy, but I never thought he might have been gay. It just seemed odd.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2020 09:29AM by anybody.

I wasn't raised in terms of "desire" in mormonism. I dated my now boyfriend back in 1978 and I knew he desired me, which was something new, but he knew I was a good little mormon girl and was very respectful of my beliefs about sex outside of marriage.

In talking to ex-wives of gays, most if not all of them thought their boyfriends were just being respectful, being a good little mormon boy by not kissing us, expecting us to make out, avoiding French kissing, etc. Even holding hands. Oh my! I finally asked my boyfriend what was going on and I got the news. Then as I looked back over the years, I could pick out the gay guys. My sister dated one for over a year at BYU. I won't go into the whole story, let's just say the 2 guys who lived together and both dated her are still in a relationship to this day in Provo and they are close to 70. But we could never figure it out for YEARS until one day we both said, "He's gay" after we found out my "boyfriend/husband" is gay. P.S. The first time I kissed my future husband was on assignment by the bishop. He also told him to French kiss me and not tell me what he was going to do. My future husband knew what I was like so was respectful enough to tell me BEFOREHAND.

There are a lot of gays in the church.

I also don't have casual sex. I always said that the only way I'd ever date again is if this guy became available, which I didn't think he would. He had been married 26 years. I've had sex with one gay man and one straight man. What I learned is that I was also with the wrong "gender." That is one of the things that the mormon leaders DON'T GET.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2020 10:52AM by cl2.

BYU is the perfect cover for gay people. No awkward questions about your heterosexual celibacy.

What about the questions regarding why you're not dating?

And of course, even if you tried to 'hide' by dating regularly, the question would arise, why haven't you gotten engaged?

The excuse, "I'm concentrating on my studies..." Who would believe that at the Y?

It took me quite awhile to figure out that three LDS guys I knew but didn't date were gay. Everyone I knew assumed I would marry one of them because we had a lot of fun together but he never so much as held my hand. All are over 60 now and none are married. I was so surprised at how everyone Mormon around me thought these guys were just picky but really great guys and great marriage potential. They all three dated lots of different women but whenever the girls pushed too hard for a commitment they broke it off. One guy even quit his job and moved to avoid the girl he had been dating for years but would not marry. I give all three credit for not marrying women and sorry they had to play games to keep from being outed. I think two of them would have lost their jobs if it came out they were gay.

I do not believe marriage is ordained of God. But then I'm agnostic and don't believe the Bible is the ultimate rule book of life. If not getting divorced and married is a better situation for all concerned then don't let what others think rule your life. It has taken me a VERY long time to stop caring so much what people think and just live my life the way I think is best. Of course, it is nicer when everyone thinks you are doing a great job with your life but that seldom ever happens to anyone. So live your life according to your own conscience. It's your life after all.

Two of my friends broke if off with Non-LDS guys because their parents pressured them so hard. They married LDS guys who were horrible husbands, got divorced, and went back to their true loves. You are not alone in this. I'll bet it happens in a lot of religious families, not just Mormon.

First, I do not concentrate on what I shouldn't do.

Waste of time and we too often let others define what we shouldn't do.* Best to assume everyone is wrong and everything you have been taught up to this point is suspect. Reassess.

I gave up letting others define my life when I gave up Mormonism and became an "outlaw" as a little group I ran with used to call ourselves because we were just done with society's status quo determined by the religious conglomerate that decides everything. Reassess.

Stonewall had just happened and I had just figured out not only was Mormonism a lie, but the rest of religions were just lite versions of the same. Reassess.

Not big on the words NO and DON'T. Prefer the words Who, When, Where, and Why that accessorize themselves with question marks. Reassess.





*Except for the things that will land you in jail. Got to play the game and go with societies definition if you want to stay on the right side of the bars.

I forgot the What . . .

My dogs, my garden, the roses Mother of Pearl, Eureka, and Hot Cocoa, watching the birds in my garden, even a rare hooded oriole, and the squirrels and once a baby bobcat, my painting, my writing, and my work surrounded by all the people I have chosen to work with who like an old goat like me cuz I will say anything--anything, and laugh, and all of this often with a glass of wine---Well not at work.

I built my own little world and invited others in. That is how I deal with the modern contemporary world.

Me too, D&D. You've pretty much summed up my own solution. As Voltaire said at the end of 'Candide': "Il faut cultiver son jardin".

Make your own world (family, friends, pets, internet forums ;-) and live in it as much as you need while focusing on what you CAN do.

To use another quote, this time anonymous but dating from the 1968 "revolution":

"Il est interdit d'interdire" - Prohibiting is prohibited :-)

Tom in Paris
a non-smoker and non-drinker but a fan of coffee - and I'll plead the Fifth on the last one. Let's just say I cultivate my garden :-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2020 12:04PM by Soft Machine.

Love the quotes. Will add to my collection.

So nice to hear from you.

Both of you are hitting the rhetorical ball out of the park in this thread.

Not to sound "mormon" or anything, but it's the contemporary world's problem if they look at you funny for not doing any of those "normal" things; I think smoking is stupid, but I've played some roles where I had to smoke--no big deal; I don't like the taste of beer, but I'll swill Mike's Hard Lemonade or a strawberry daiquiri because I'm thirsty; I think drugs are a waste of time, but a couple of times I thought "Why am I being such a tight-ass" and tried a joint with a couple of buddies and then my brothers--it had zero effect on me, so why bother. And if I see a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf don't hold me back.
I've read many recent ex-mo's ask about drinking and sex as if they are expected to jump in with both feet, but just because you CAN doesn't mean you HAVE TO.
Anyway, just my 2 cents. But I realize there's a difference between not doing something and virtue signalling about it to make a big deal of "I can't--I'm Mormon" and "Nah, I don't need a beer--I'm good."

Is the cult of teetotalism any better than drinking? There’s always an “other” to make you feel better about yourself because you’re not them. This creation of “other” by religion is obscene. The reasons they do it are equally obscene. If you feel a conflict between you and Mormonism, rest assured it’s not you. It’s them. Don’t fall for their head games. Brigham Young had a body count. Not you.

Maybe you believe life is supposed to have meaning. How do you leave no stone unturned without getting wasted? History will tell you meaning isn’t at the bottom of a bottle, but unless you go there yourself you don’t know. At least the ones we judge went.

Mormon isn’t really a bad word. It’s just that the religion is unraveling. The wheels fell off so they turned it into a cult. Again, not my fault. Mormons used to be a people of faith. It was beautiful. Those days are gone.

Live your best life on YOUR terms and what others think of you is none of your business. Why care so much that you “don’t fit in”?

You acknowledge and accept that its not a one size fits all world.....and find peace in knowing that.

There is a lizard-brained murderous beast within you, though...

...and only smoking, drinking, drugs, and coffee will sate the beast?

            Whatever tricks it takes to tame it...

I don't think that nevermos really care, although they might find the no coffee/tea thing a bit odd. Many nevermos don't smoke, or don't do drugs. It is also socially acceptable to not drink alcoholic beverages, although if you are in a group of teenagers and early 20-somethings, they might possibly rib a peer about it (they'll likely lay off once the peer explains their thinking.)

The nice thing is choosing for yourself as opposed to a church choosing for you.

I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, or drink coffee, and I've never felt like I'm not a part of the contemporary world since leaving mormonism 18 years ago.


The stories they tell in YW made me think that as an adult that there would be endless pressure to do sinful things like drink coffee. Honestly, any time I've been offered coffee I respond with "no, thank you" and no one thinks anything of it. If I'm offered alcohol, a simple "no, thank you" is enough. Sometimes I add "I'm driving" or "I'm diabetic" (this one is usually reserved for people I will see socially again, so they know why I don't drink and it's never an issue between us).


I'm perfectly happy socializing with a glass of water (sometimes with a twist of lemon to dress it up) or some hot chocolate on a cold day. I'm in my mid-30s. Honestly? The people I socialize with don't care what I drink. They're happy that I'm there, and we enjoy each other's company.


You do you. That's all that matters.

I don't do any of those things, either. My lifestyle has changed very litte, since leaving the cult--but my life has changed completely! There's a myriad of options available, out there in the world! I have more time and money to do them!

I'm still nice to the Mormons who shun me, because that's who I am, and I value family and friendships.

I do wonder, though: How do you get Mormons to like you again, after you have resigned? I resigned quietly, without any arguing or whining. How do you get new Mormons you meet to like you? I've moved back here from CA, and though my colleagues and clients are non-Mormons, the people I work with in other companies, and most of my neighbors are Mormons.

What would it take to build new friendships in Mormonland? Would the only way back into my TBM family's good graces be to re-join their church? This is not an option with me.

Yes, tend my own garden. Focus on the positives. Cherish the good moments. Feel that feeling of being free, every day. It might be enough...I'm giving it a try. Thanks for the good advice.

There are baby squirrels in our apple tree, outside my window.

>^..^<



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2020 11:32PM by forestpal.

did when I was a mormon. Although my favorite neighbors have asked me to church functions a few times, they seem to have stopped now. It has been a year since they asked me. Their 6 kids love me, as do the parents. I'm not much of a social being. I don't even like to see my boyfriend every day and he wants to. I like to stay home and read or watch TV after I'm done working, cleaning, shopping, taking dogs for walks.

The less I have to do with people, the happier I am. Oh, and my family is mostly out except my daughter, one sister (who is not a believer) and a disabled brother. My family loves that I left and resigned as because I was so devout and they weren't, they feel validated.

anybody Wrote:
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> What do you do when you don't fit in the contemporary modern world?

I shrink it.

I just barely started drinking again. It definitely helped while i was filing banktrupcy thats for sure. It would have been so much worse without beer.

Thanks for this thread, Anybody.

You can be anybody you want to be!

A lot of my angst about no longer "fitting in" with Mormonism came from Mormon brainwashing, which teaches that Mormons should be extroverts. "Every member a missionary-- so get out there and recruit lots of friends!"

Mormon pushes obedience and conformity as paramount in importance. Also, appearance is everything!

After we resigned, I endured about three years of shunning by Mormon family and Mormon former friends--which hurt me so much I cried sometimes--until I realized that there were different ways of looking at things. Who says I have to "fit into the modern contemporary world", in the first place?

No one does! (Except to obey the laws of the land and do no harm, and follow the Golden Rule, etc.). Certainly, it is interesting and probably wise to learn all we can about the world, but we don't have to jump into every puddle in the road to find out how muddy it is.

I hear so many people say, "I didn't belong there, I felt uncomfortable in that situation, I feel alone in a crowd," and many similar statements of not fitting in, exactly. No one does fit a mold exactly. We're all part of the Human Race, and living on the same planet, and that should be enough to fit in. Usually, someone is gaslighting you, to deliberately give you that awkward feeling. The Mormon cult is an expert at this.

Who has been "annointed" to define which group or society you need to fit into, in the first place? After leaving the cult, I tried (and studied) different religions, joined groups with many different interests, but never fit perfectly into any of them. I skirt on the fringes of a book club, when they're reading a book that interests me, I play tennis with tennis buddies if the weather is nice, I love my work colleagues, but see only a handful of them outside of work. I'm 100% dedicated to my family, and 100% to four close friends since childhood, who went to BYU together, and were each other's bridesmaids. I don't miss the shunning, fake Mormon friends. To realize that happiness and love and success are not contingent on fitting any mold--that is so freeing!

Look at all of the facets that make you a unique invidual. I found most Mormons, as a group, to lack respect for individuality, individual rights, curiousity, creativity, humor, personality, or differences of any kind. I had to leave that cult, in order to find my true self--sorry to be so trite--and even now, that self is constantly growing and adapting, or at least trying to. People change so much, from hour to year, year to year--how can you love an individual without accepting changes?

The world is changing rapidly all around us. If we have children, they become the center of our universe, for a while, because they need us for their survival, but they grow up and eventually leave us. Spouses come and go, at least in my case. We lose our old parents. We change jobs and retire. Friends move away. We need an inner core of being that belongs to just us, and is inviolate. Some people cling to religion or Jesus, but I cling to my own self.

I focused on my famiy, and the Mormons criticized me for not putting the cult and my callings first. I'm so glad I didn't listen to them, because my children were loved, and they turned out well! After the kids' father left me for another woman, and quit working, I went to work, to support my children, and the Mormons told me to stay home with the children and go on welfare, and quickly find another temple husband. After fulfilling a calling in the regional singles for two years (It was the worst), I quit that calling, and the Mormons said I was a quitter and "not obedient." These are just a few examples, of how I had to go against what the Mormons thought of me, to do what I thought was the right thing for me and my family.

My inner soul has served me well, in raising my children, and in living all alone while they were away in college, and in living with them again when they returned with spouses and children of their own. I hope it will see me throughout the loneliness of retirement and old age. God isn't there for me, anymore. There's no such thing as the "Mormon support system." Likewise, they have no need for me, either.

There's nothing wrong with what you do! So, live your life according to the dictates of your own conscience.

Yeah, I like exercising and breathing the fresh air, so I don't smoke. I need all the brain cells I can keep alive, I have only one liver, I need to be alert for driving and my job, so I don't drink. Anyone who tries to make me feel bad for these personal health decisions, makes me suspicious. Personal stuff, including religion, underwear, What you ingest, how much money you have, inner values, sexual orientation, or whether or not you're married, or your hobbies, shouldn't be up for debate.

So much of modern life revolves around things that I don't do or have no interest in.

If you don't think any of the above is weird, try being a millennial classical music fan. That will really set you apart.

Or try classic cinema for example. Not thinking a movie is bad just because it's in black and white? That's really weird.

I got to see a lot of classic movies on PBS when I was growing up. My favourite movie scene of all time is the handshake scene in "Kameradschaft" (1931). You simply can't explain it to anyone. It's just frustrating.

https://youtu.be/c_u3sATu_Ok?t=58m30s



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2020 08:29AM by anybody.