I don't have a bishop to confess to. I don't like my eldest sister. So much so that I would side with a sister who abused me more than her.

Such drama for a middle aged man.

My eldest sister has always been obsessed with higher social class than we exhibited. And she has always been my father's favorite. He was the one who talked her into not marrying her high school sweetheart. She has always been the one he gave most of his attention to growing up.

And now they are going to put in into a home. His father Rulon Jeffs seems to have hit the same thing as my father. My father has boughts of clarity but most of the time he is silent or talks like a child.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rulon_Jeffs

If my father lives until 92 it will be 2027.

But my sister was right. She said he needed to be put in a home before his car accident. Thank God he didn't hurt or kill anyone. My sister understands the elderly. It was her master's degree focus. I hate to admit it but she is right.

And then there is my mother. My father is in good health for his age but she is a terrible care provider. In the last two weeks he has been left at the temple and one of her volunteer gigs and he walked away from both places. It took the charity of some people he was in the temple with to pick him up and take him home. My mother has told us that she wishes he would die. And actually at her volunteer gig he was so agitated and being forced to stay there that she took him to the ER for them to deal with him. I guess that was a blessing. They found he probably had had a small stroke. He is seeing a neurologist this week.

What shocks me is how affect I am about all of this. My wife gentle reminded me that my parents had provided for me and there were some good times and these are the ties that bind so it is understandable that I am affected.

I guess I just need to acknowledge to you and I will to my sister if I see her again that she was right. My mother is not going to want to care for him and I guess since they are close to the same age, it might on a couple of years not even be an option.

Thanks for listening. I feel stupid and petty and sad. I wouldn't want to put anyone in a home. I won't take care of my father and he doesn't even remember me anymore. I don't know if that hurts more or my own desire like that of my mother to not help the old man shuffle into his Mormon afterlife. Publicly acknowledging I was wrong does feel better.

Edit: God what a mess.

My younger brother (of the doodles) is a former doctor before his condition prevented him from doing surgery. He got the appointment with the specialist and just texted that getting any kind of appoint with quick requires pull. He can't reach my mother and was desperate to get our father to his appointment today.

My polygamist sister stepped up. My mother is probably working or volunteering and not at home. Who knows. My family is crazy. My father needs a god to help him at this point. My thoughts an fears are with him.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/24/2020 02:10PM by Elder Berry.

I am going through a version of this right now, and I really, really, REALLY understand.

The feelings are so mixed, and trying to identify the optimum "right" feeling [or decision, or action] can be so intensely difficult, especially if you're trying extremely hard to choose for optimum on all levels, and for all of the individuals concerned or affected.

I really feel for you, and I really do know what you are dealing with, and I wish you the very best possible in every way.

I am sorry.

Thank you. All the Utah siblings had a meeting last night. The 4 of us not there don't know what happened except we were texted that my father has a brain tumor. My mother isn't eating and is crying a lot. A part of me is glad I'm not seeing this stuff.

From what I have been able to make of things lately, the family need to get your dad a Zamboni.

I want a Zamboni!

I really feel for you to EB. I hope the situation works out in your favour, so you can get on with your life again.
I thought my sisters were mean and spiteful, but I see that I have company in that department.
None of my sisters are LDS, but all phoney " Christians " of the evangelical sort.
My husband and I had to do all the work when my dad died and we had to take care of my mother all alone.

I'm sorry you had to shoulder all the burden of care for your mother. I'm not a good person. It would literally kill me to care for mine. She makes all of us crazy but most of my siblings are in denial about it.

Good luck to you, EB. Sorry this is going on for you.

Thanks. The thing that is eating me up is how I didn't expect it to be this hard. I came from a couple of Mormon narcissists who shouldn't have married let alone had kids but did so because Mormonism.

They both came from neglectful and in my mother's case very very abusive homes. My father was a surrogate husband to my grandmother from an early age. And these parents of mine went and had 10 kids and tried to adopt some more.

Their crazy is palatable. And yet in my father's condition and my mother's selfishness I'm torn. She says one thing to me and does another but I don't know her pain. It is like she wants to be the painted saint up until the very end and get to keep eating her cake as well.

I can relate to your situation. As my father's health deteriorated, I felt that my Mom didn't give a damn. She became extremely indifferent and even antagonistic. My Dad suffered a series of strokes and collapsed several times before being taken via ambulance to the hospital. [Her only course of action was to call a brother from church to lift him back into bed~ She had to work the following day and was annoyed that her rest was interrupted.] I knew that the end was coming because he just could not recover from a serious stroke. The hospital was in a hell-bent hurry to get a feeding tube attached to his stomach and I knew that would be the end of his life.

I feel lucky that he went quick because my upside down dysfunctional family was becoming worse. One sibling shunned the entire family and another one attempted suicide.

No matter what decision is made, you will feel some sort of pain and guilt. Personally, I don't think it's wrong to place a person in a nursing home when round the clock medical attention is required. Very few of us have the stamina required to deal with a terminal illness 24/7.

The good news is that you have plenty of support here at RFM.

messygoop Wrote:
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> The good news is that you have plenty of support
> here at RFM.

Yes. And it is awesome. I'm so grateful.

And sorry about your father's shuffling off his mortal coil. It sounds worse than my situation. I appreciate your sharing.

I think no matter what, our parents effect us. My "husband's" parents were not good parents. I believe all of the children have attachment disorder. All of them grieved the parents they could have had after they died. His sister told me that she went through a bunch of his older letters (where he had sent money to the young girls living in his apartments at Ricks) and she said she didn't even know him. What I can't figure out is why he saved copies of all the letters for his kids to end up finding. He was always searching for his polygamous wives for the next life and was picked up a few times in his 80s for stalking.

I saw my "husband" suffer over his issues with his parents. I was shocked by how he took care of his mother for the funeral of his dad. He carefully took of her like doing her hair. She did end up in a home for many years as she was out of her mind. We went to see her a few times.

I was lucky in that my parents were both lucid up to the end. My dad died at home alone (with my brother sleeping downstairs) and my mother was in a nursing home for a short stay after a hospital admission, but she had been lucid all day long and was eating her dinner when she died. She had a fork in her hand. My older brother is disabled from an aneurysm in his brain at age 42, but functions pretty good considering he is considered blind from the stroke. But he took care of my parents and they paid him to do so.

My boyfriend's dad died at home alone with his wife. He was almost 92. He died the way he chose and she didn't call 911 until after he had died. She is now almost 90 and she is living with her daughter. They had enough money saved up to add onto her house. The daughter has MS and they kind of watch out for each other. Believe it or not, they just went to Disney World from AZ and his mother had a fantastic time. She went on all the roller coasters.

That is how I want to "die." Like his dad and my parents.

I type up people with cognitive disorders, Alheimber's, etc., and it is really sad, but they have to be in a home unless someone can be with them all the time.

I do believe that we grieve them in whatever way we need to. Even if my husband is gay, we are his family. I'm his mother. My boyfriend would even tell you that. He has a relationship with 2 of his sisters and that's it.

Death is really a difficult thing. It has been 11 years and I go through different stages of grief each year. I believe I'll grieve them until the day I die. They weren't perfect either, but after reading about parents on here, I feel really lucky.

"She went on all the roller coasters."

Love it Colleen. That is how I want to be remembered.

I'm sorry, Elder Berry. That sounds like a difficult situation.

Sometimes one sibling sees something that another doesn't. I lived with my mom for the last ten years of her life. She had a stroke six months before she died, and after a short stay in the hospital and a couple of weeks in the nursing home, she seemed to be mentally about 97% of her former self. Her physical recovery was somewhat slower -- she mainly appeared to be tired and weak, but she had full control of all of her muscles. I thought she would make a full recovery. But my brother saw something I didn't. He made sure that her will was up-to-date, and he and my mom did advance planning to prepare for her eventual death. Six months passed, and she died from what appeared to be another stroke. I never saw it coming. In retrospect, I probably should have.

It's very difficult caring for and helping to make decisions for a struggling, elderly parent. My heart goes out to you.

"I never saw it coming. In retrospect, I probably should have."

You had good reason to not see it. I don't think you should have.

But in my father's case I was part of the problem. I saw it and I still thought my mother's care would be enough. It never has been. Who was I fooling? I hate being a part of my family's delusions and my mother's machinations.

Thanks for your words.

This thread has been very revealing. DH will be treated a lot better around here.

He hasn't been treated badly, but still, he'll be treated even better.

Thanks, Elder Berry.

As someone who put their parent in a home, it is sometimes just the right thing to do. My mother could not be cared for by any of us, we just were not able to do what was needed.

She got better more consistent care in a facility equipped to handle both her physical and mental limitations.

It is hard, I beat myself up when I made the final decision it had to be. In the end I know I did what was necessary to keep her safe.

You are in my thoughts, this is not a fun ride to the end.

sbg Wrote:
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> You are in my thoughts, this is not a fun ride to
> the end.

Thanks. I wonder why Elohim, Jehovah, and Michael caught the last train to the coast? Because this is not a fun ride. All those hours upon hours he did "work for the dead" and now he is staring into their realm.

Update: The mess continues...

My mother is making this all about her. Big surprise!

She wants brothers to basically make my house a prison for my father.

She has had brothers give several "blessings" to my father to "release him" from this life.

My father saw the neurologist and he probably has a tumor.

My mother has been slowly starving him. He eats like a horse whenever he is around food.

He tries to hide from my mother in public and escape her presence in private.

My Utah siblings are each in turn having mini-breakdowns over these events.

My polygamist sister's daughters who have left her group are angry with her and while on Instagram things look good privately they are telling my little sister that their mother is horrible and they want very little to do with her.

My younger brother is telling my mother not to transfer the title to her home over to herself and to not grant power of attorney to my eldest brother and sister.

Youngest sister (most loved by my mother) is having a complete breakdown over seeing my mother acting like this. She has gotten in verbal fights with mother over her not releasing control over my father.

Everyone is worn out. Mother's heals are dug in so deep and she only trusts her kids that tell her what she wants to hear. When the others talk to her she either walks away, hangs up, or throws a tantrum of anger, crying or both.

It is bad.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2020 10:45AM by Elder Berry.

My FIL had a heart procedure and went home with more than one PICC line coming out his chest.

I went to their house one day and found him sitting at the table crying. He said she had been terrorizing him by threatening to rip the tubes out of his chest.

She was the most evil shit I’ve ever known.

Sadly many adult victims are afraid to cooperate with Adult Protective Services when they show up.

kathleen Wrote:
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> Sadly many adult victims are afraid to cooperate
> with Adult Protective Services when they show up.

I want to call them but that would probably really cut all ties.

Elder Berry Wrote:
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> kathleen Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Sadly many adult victims are afraid to
> cooperate
> > with Adult Protective Services when they show
> up.
>
> I want to call them but that would probably really
> cut all ties.



I'd "run the wire" on this one and chance it.

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to get on the phone with "my" people. I hope they take my calls. I wouldn't do it without warning anyone.

I made a call to all DH's siblings and left messages stating my intentions and asked for their support. They didn't support me, nor did they return my calls.

DH didn't even support me. They were all scared of the tyrant mother.

So, I had to act alone. If you move on this, prepare to be alone. (Except that you have us.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2020 07:08PM by kathleen.

kathleen Wrote:
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> So, I had to act alone. If you move on this,
> prepare to be alone. (Except that you have us.)

I've made some calls. You are probably right. Thanks.

Elder Berry Wrote:
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> I want to call them but that would probably really cut all ties.

I would. Your father has a right to adequate food if he is hungry and wishes to eat. He has a right to whatever medical care he wants, and if he is not capable of deciding, to have someone appointed with a power of medical attorney who will have his best interest at heart. It sounds like your mother may not be capable of making good decisions on his behalf.

My mother declined brain surgery after her first stroke (I call it a stroke, but in reality it was a cerebral hemorrhage.) She had a very fine brain surgeon lined up and ready to go, but her vitals were not quite where they needed to be the morning of surgery. After that, when her vitals improved, she made the decision not to proceed. I was disappointed, but it was what she wanted. And in retrospect, it was a very understandable decision. She maintained control right up until the end.

Your dad has rights, too, and if your mom will not uphold those rights, someone needs to step in. I can't imagine someone withholding adequate food from a frail, elderly person who wants to eat. Your dad deserves kindness in his last days. Food is kindness.

If your dad needs a hero, be that hero.

summer Wrote:
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> If your dad needs a hero, be that hero.

I'm trying but like Warren with Rulon, my father is surrounded by people yet controlled by one. If I have to make the call I will but they will be warned and I will never be able to speak to my mother again.

Yes, I agree with adult protective services. They should talk to your dad when no ones and ask him what he wants . It sounds like he's really scared. It sounds like you have a couple of family members who are afraid of your mom, if they'd speak up too.
My niece's husband's family had his grandfather living in a beat up , run down trailer. He had body sores all over and no AC( in NC). My husband convinced them to call adult services and they went over there, saw him and removed him. They put him in a temporary place, until they found a nice state run nursing home.
This was a couple of years ago.